Week Four Recap

Week Four Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

With the season heating up faster than Travis Henry’s vaporizer, team managers are going to be forced to make some serious decisions over the next few weeks. Some teams that had early season success may not have the rosters to carry them to the playoffs. On the other hand, teams that got out to slow starts may be one or two small moves away from becoming contenders. The bye weeks and short rosters are starting to generate some serious trade action and make waiver wire pickups all the more important.

Of course, the big story this week was the absolutely abysmal scores thrown up by a few teams. Last week Your Mom’s Balls became the first team this season to finish with a weekly point total of less than 100. The Pontoon Boats and trade-wizard Evan Schmitt joined the club this week as did Kimbo Slice, whose quarterback situation is starting to get truly depressing. The performances were terrible in the truest sense of the word as these two teams failed to even break the 66-point mark. This seems especially horrific in light of the fact that Tony Romo finished with 56 points all by himself. All I can say is that if a team fails to break the 50-point mark at any point this season, it will be more pathetic than when Kennedy used to shave his chest in college.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winner in caps).

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (146.25) @ Soul-Ja Boi Records (133.75)

The game was nearly-tied after Sunday and it came down to Thomas Brady vs. Carson Palmer and Kenny Watson on Monday Night Football. Mr. Brady performed sublimely and powered the Sundaes to their first win. LT finally got on track with 132 yards and a touchdown, although team manager Mike “Fritz” Hartman is still expecting a lot more. In the end, it was Tom Brady and Hartman’s brilliant move of picking up the Seahawks defense for the week that brought the team to victory. Although it was the Sundaes first win of the season, they are currently eighth in the power rankings and have outscored five other teams. On the other hand, the Records continue to be broken. Due to injuries, team manager and Aramark-visor spokesman Robert Frederickson was forced to start Correll Buckhalter (who actually had a nice day) and Kenny Watson (not so much) at runningback. The Records are still weak at wide receiver outside of upstart Dwayne Bowe. In fact, after the recent trade with YMB (more on this later), the Records wide receiver corps now consists of Dwayne Bowe, Chris Chambers, Santana Moss, Eddie Kennison, and, um, … that’s it. God help you little buddy.

Kimbo Slice (58.25) @ SWEET TANGY LIMES (123.25)

Kimbo Slice is in some very real trouble. Third-round pick Mark Bulger has been one of the biggest busts in fantasy football this year. He has been benched by the Rams, but not before putting up a measly 5 points in week five for Kimbo Slice and team manager Evan Herring. Only two players on Slice’s roster broke the 10-point mark this week and one of them was DeAngelo Williams who had 5 total yards rushing but was saved by a receiving touchdown. At least Lee Evans got back on track this week and Reggie Bush got some rest on his bye. That said, Clinton Portis now appears to be pretty banged up, leaving Slice with a decimated roster. The Limes, despite a less-than-stellar performance, move to 3-1 and take sole possession of first place in the Amber Division. Team manager Rickles Gittles does face an uphill battle, however, possibly losing Marvin Harrison to injury and still not having a solid quarterback. Gittles, if you need inspiration this season, we have two words for you: Danielle Sheer.

THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (147) @ El Che y los Guerrilleros (138.25)

One of the closer games of the week found Jon “Jonny HIV” Ades’s Straw Hat Brigade narrowly triumph over commie-pinko-leftist-liberal Eriq Keentsull and the Guerillas. All I can say is that Mr. Ades hit fantasy gold by picking up Daunte Culpepper off the waiver wire for the week. Will Culpepper become the permanent starter in light of Drew Brees’s collapse this year? It probably doesn’t even matter anyway, since Randy Moss continues to light it up each and every week. The only problem that the Brigade seems to be facing is the injury bug, as Joe Addai and Lamont Jordan both went down this week and the Brigade only has Tatum Bell and Ron Dayne sitting on the bench. For the Guerillas, it was a very tough loss especially considering Santonio Holmes’s big day. Interestingly, Keentsull decided to start an injured Calvin Johnson who responded by sitting on the bench and giving the Guerrillas a nice fat goose-egg. It really made no difference, however, as Isaac Bruce’s 2.5 points wouldn’t have helped much anyway. The big story is that it looks like the Guerrillas are going to lose Travis Henry because he couldn’t stay away from the sweet cheeba. See…this is what happens when you let a kid with dread-locks run a fantasy team. Unless Sammy Morris can continue to put up big numbers, this could be the beginning of the end for the Guerrillas who are currently tied for first in the Nut Brown Division.

YOUR MOM’S BALLS (154.25) @ Yossarian Lives (148.25)

The Balls win! The Balls win! Like the Sundaes, Your Mom’s Balls and team manager Jeremy Gilman notched their first win this week, taking down the Commish and Yossarian Lives. The difference? A 7.75 point performance by super white-boy Wes Welker on Monday night. Gilman should thank his lucky stars that he started Patrick Crayton over Donte Stallworth because he wouldn’t have come close to beating the Commish without his 41.5 point day. This week wasn’t all puppies, ice cream, and roses for the Balls however, as Caddilac Williams went down for the season with a knee. Commissioner Matlin couldn’t lead his team to victory but did get nice games from the rejuvenated Brett Favre and the Bears defense. What he really needed, however, was a better day from Ronald Curry who finished with only 1.5 points. Yossarian Lives is still in second place in the Amber Division, but the Commish isn’t happy. He has imposed a team-wide media blackout after some of his players reported being psyched out by the Weekly Recap. What a bunch of pussies.

Pontoon Boats (65.25) @ THE RAPE STAND (161.25)

After masterminding last week’s 6-player trade with Danger Monkey, the Boats manager Evan Schmitt showed that the Boats were who we though they were. Here’s what we wrote last week:

“Although the Boats are currently second in the power rankings, we predict the run ends here. He just lost Deuce for the season and Steven Jackson for at least a few games and traded away his second best receiver. This week at running back he’ll be starting underachieving Ced Benson and Kevin Jones against the Bears’ D. Good luck asshole.”

Although the trade didn’t actually hurt the Boats this week, the lack of depth at running back did. The Boats also suffered from having a black quarterback, because as we all know, black quarterbacks have to try harder and Donovan choked this week under the pressure. It should also be noted that the Broncos defense laid the goose-egg this week…good thing the Boats traded away the Pats D last week! In a complete contrast, League Intern Paul Kennedy and the Rape Stand surged to first place in the Nut Brown Division and are tied for first in the power rankings despite only being 3-1. Rape Stand quarterback Tono Romo nearly outscored the Boats entire team. In fact, Kennedy could have won just by starting Romo and the Cowboys D. Fart.

DANGER MONKEY (127.75) @ The Gangstalicious Resurection (119.75)

In another close game, Danger Monkey and manager Sethadiah Pruss improved to 4-0 and the Monkey is now the only team to remain undefeated. On the losing end, the Resurection looks like another team suffering from QB woes and manager Emilio Pabon will probably start Matt Schaub from here on out. It would have been nice if Rusurection tight-end Ben Watson could have caught a touchdown as he did in the first three weeks, as that would probably have given the team the win. Although the Resurrection is 1-3, a look at their roster shows them to be one of the deeper, more well-rounded teams in the league and they may start to turn it on now that byes and injuries are starting to make an impact. On the flipside, although Danger Monkey started the season on fire, on paper the team looks a little weak. The runningback corps is inconsistent and a lot will depend on whether Jesus is smiling upon Jon Kitna in a given week. The next few weeks will show whether the Monkey can stay on top.

NEWS & NOTES

First of all, I don’t know how this escaped us here at the Weekly Recap, but we should quickly shed light on a trade that occurred a few weeks ago between Soul-Ja Boi Records and Kimbo Slice. Slice got Lee Evans and the Records got . . . DeShawn Wynn. Seriously Robbie? Lee Evans looked to be getting back to his game this past week, and DeShawn Wynn has been doing a nice job adjusting his athletic supporter on the Packers’ bench. This trade may end up having some serious implications down the road.

Of course, we had a big trade this week also involving the Records. This one is a little confusing. The Records get Warrick Dunn and Kenton Keith and the Balls get Ahman Green and Amani Toomer. As we already noted above, the Records’ receiving corps was already weak and now they lose Toomer. That part of the trade is certainly a head-scratcher. Warrick Dunn certainly hasn’t been anything special and Kenton Keith is a backup. Green has actually been decent but was injured last week. So let’s call the Dunn/Green trade a wash. If the trade boils down to Toomer for Kenton Keith, we have to say that Mr. Robert is the big loser here. Keith may get a start or two with Addai’s injury, but the Records have no receivers and would be fine at running back after this week with the return of Rudi Johnson. Robbie, we love you, please take your hand off the trade button. It’s enough already.

More trade news…Rumor has it that Guerrillas manager Eriq Keentsull has been less than easy to deal with for managers inquiring about the availability of Sammy Morris. Karma bitch. Keentsull may now be on the begging end now that Travis Henry’s season appears to be over. He won’t be able to start Morris as his number two back for the rest of the year if he hopes to win, and his only other option is Chester Taylor. We predict it won’t belong before he’s knocking on some managers’ doors asking for change.

On the managerial end, we’ve heard through the grape vine that Monkey manager Sethadiah Pruss has been asking other managers for lineup and roster advice prior to the Sunday games despite his undefeated record and top spot in the power rankings. This was his same strategy for the draft, telling other teams that he didn’t know what he was doing. We here at the Recap think he is just being a crafty weasel. Like the goalie shot in Foos, you never see him coming. Other managers are starting to rethink their decisions to help the Monkey with roster management. We shall see how it affects the rest of the season.

That’s it for this week…thanks for all the contributions and keep ‘em coming.

Bigtime-crest out!