Westbrook Takes Knee; Bangs League Intern in Ass Post-Game

Philadelphia, PA -- Brian Westbrook had a picture perfect view of the end zone. The Eagles, up by 4 and looking to put the game out of reach, had the ball in Cowboys territory. Trying to run out the clock, Andy Reid called Westbrook's number. Westbrook took the handoff and ran through the gap between his right tackle and right guard and saw paydirt. For all intents and purposes, Westbrook was going to take it in and put the Cowboys down by two scores. But Westbrook had other plans. Instead of diving head first into the endzone, he took a knee at the one, ensuring that the Eagles would be able to run out the clock.

How did Westbrook celebrate the Eagles' big win over their archrival? "I found that pasty whiteboy, Paul Kennedy," Westbrook said, "you know; the LRFL League Intern...yeah, I bent him over and slammed it right up his butt." Indeed, Westbrook decided that after metaphorically fucking Kennedy in the rear, he might as well do it for real. Kennedy could not reached for comment as he is currently recuperaing at Mt. Sanai Hospital where he received 84 inner-rectum stitches.

Week Thirteen Recap

Week Thirteen Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

The Recap has been a little harder to write this week as League Intern Paul Kennedy seems to have disappeared in the mean streets of Birmingham, Alabama most likely fueled by crank and beef jerky. Coincidentally, Dr. Bigtime is also currently in the midst of final exams.

Accordingly, we are going to skip the snappy intro today and get right to the games (winners in caps).

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (158.75) @ Danger Monkey (134.5)

Danger Monkey could have locked up the Oatmeal Stout Division with a win in Week 13, but manager Sethadiah Pruss and his squad of rapscallions really blew it. Don’t blame Peyton Manning who threw for 4 touchdowns and 288 yards. Don’t blame Steven Jackson who is continuing to turn it on in the late going of the season and went for 167 total yards and a touchdown. Who should Pruss blame? How about those underperforming Patriots? Wes Welker caught only 3 passes for 18 measly yards and the Patriots Defense/Special Teams gave up 24 points to the Ravens’ anemic offense and failed to record a single sack in the game. Unfortunately for Pruss, he really couldn’t have managed the game any better as the only way he could have improved the Monkey’s total point score would have been to unreasonably start Shaun McDonald over Wes Welker or Plax Burress. More unfortunately for Pruss, he lost Roy Williams this week to a PCL sprain and it doesn’t look like he’ll get his stud receiver back until after the playoff push. Even if the Monkey gets to the playoffs, the prospects for post-season success aren’t looking good. Here at the Recap, we can only guess that Pruss’s players have started to quit on him as his priorities are clearly his duties as the Chairman of the Rules Committee and his endless searching for a league trophy. He also writes too many emails… Regardless, the Monkey still could have pulled out the win this week if not for the gritty performance of the Sundaes, who are trying to salvage some pride by finishing division play at .500 (they started the season 0-3). Ladanian Tomlinson finally realized he’s the best player in football this week and ran for 177 yards and two 20+ yard touchdowns (coincidentally, LT now has put up more points in the LRFL than any other running back). If he would have performed like that during the first half of the season, there’s no doubt that the Sundaes would be challenging for the division lead or at least a wild card spot. It would also have been nice for manager Mike Hartman if Thomas Jones didn’t wait until Week 13 to score his first touchdown of the season. At least the Lendale White/Tory Holt swap with the Brigade finally looks like a solid win for the Sundaes. Sitting at #4 in the power rankings, the Sundaes should have some momentum going into the 2008 season.

Kimbo Slice (129.25) @ YOUR MOM’S BALLS (180.5)

This game should be dubbed the Irrelevance Bowl as both teams were eliminated from playoff contention long ago. Slice once again put up a comparatively low point total, primarily because their roster is chock full of guys who were pre-season studs but failed to come through during the 2007 fantasy season: Reggie Bush, Lee Evans, Vince Young, and Vernon Davis. Young actually had his first nice game in a while and Kevin Curtis put up big numbers, but it wasn’t nearly enough to challenge the Balls for victory. In fact, those Balls put up the highest point total of the week at 180.5. The Balls have to be the toughest team in the league to figure out. One week the Balls are huge, pulsating beasts, and the next they are shriveled, liver-spotted prunes. This week the Balls and team manager Jeremy “Vagina Sand” Gilman got very nice games from Earnest Graham (106 rushing yards and a touchdown), Hines Ward (11 catches, 90 yards, two touchdowns), and Tony Gonzalez (10 catches, 140 yards), but it doesn’t really matter what the Balls do this year, it now matters what they are going to do next year. Looking at the Balls’ lineup, we don’t see a lot of keeper potential there. Derek Anderson is likely playing somewhere else next year and might not be able to carry the magic over. Earnest Graham might not be starting for the Bucs when Caddy returns. Donald Driver and Gonzo are getting old and haven’t been studs this year. MJD has some big games, but still shares carries and probably isn’t big enough to ever be an every-down back in the NFL. Looks like the Balls will be hanging low going into 2008.

Sweet Tangy Limes (133.75) @ JAKE LONG’S COCK (148.25)

This was no doubt the game of the week as the Commish’s Cock has come way out of nowhere to challenge the Limes for the Amber Division crown. If you recall, at one point this season the Limes were 5-4 and in control of the Amber Division and the Cock was mired in the cellar at 2-7. My lord, how the tides have turned. With the loss this week, the Limes have now dropped 4 straight and are in a 3-way tie for first place in the Amber Division where the Cock now owns all the tie-breakers. Where has it gone wrong for the Limes and team manager Rickles Gittles? Well, as the Recap has been saying all year, the Limes needed to make a move at some point to secure a better quarterback. Eli Manning is way too inconsistent and has been probably the worst quarterback in football as of late. Platooning him with the fragile Kurt Warner—who seems to just love losing football games—was certainly not the solution. The Limes also struggled to find consistency at running back. Adrian Peterson was no doubt the steal of the draft in the third round, but the few games he sat out with his PCL tear really cost the Limes some big games. The Limes also have had to suffer through the miserable season of Shaun Alexander, and DeShaun Foster and early waiver-wire pickup Chris Brown never lived up to their respective hypes. Let’s also not forget that Reggie Brown has been tremendously disappointing this year and that Starvin’ Marvin Harrison hasn’t played in what seems like an eternity. So, in short, Gittles really caught a lot of bad breaks this year but has the chance to go into next year with a very solid squad (Peterson, Housh, and Winslow perhaps?). In complete contrast to the Limes, the Cock has been growing stronger and more confident over the last few weeks. Winning three games in a row, the Cock now seems poised to take the Amber Division title and his squad is building momentum. We definitely need to point out that the Commish’s squad put up 149.25 points and beat the Limes by 14.5 points while getting negative points from the quarterback position. Yes it’s true, Brett Favre left the game in the first half after completing only 5 passes and throwing 2 interceptions for a grand total of -0.75 points. Even though the head of the Cock failed to perform, the rest of the team came through with flying colors. Willis McGahee ran for 138 yards and a touchdown against the Pats and the other Adrian Peterson accounted for 149 total yards. And how about that bamboozle job that Commissioner Matlin pulled on the Pontoon Boats? Andre Johnson and Joey Galloway combined for 16 catches, 275 yards, and a touchdown in Week 13. Anyone potentially meeting the Commish in the playoffs will have the Schmitter to thank if they fall victim to the pounding Cock.

Soul-Ja Boi Records (122.25) @ GANGSTALICIOUS RESURECTION (138.25)

Mr. Robbie and his Records really needed to come through with a win. If they had won, they would be in sole possession of first place in the Amber Division right now. Alas, it was a typical Records performance with 15 total points coming from the wide receiver “core,” and an 11.75 point day from Carson Palmer. There were some bright spots though. Waiver-wire pickup Justin Fargas had another good game and is now the 16th best running back in the LRFL points-wise despite not playing a whole lot during the first half of the season. Dallas Clark also had a really solid game, catching two touchdown passes. We also can’t forget the humongous news that Travis Henry will not be suspended after all for fathering tons of illegitimate children and smoking copious amounts of the sticky icky. The AP is reporting that Mr. Robbie and his star running back celebrated the news by taking six 4-footers and banging numerous groupies at a shoot for Lloyd Banks’ new video where the two were invited guests. Of course, no matter how many little Mr. Robbie’s shoot out of those skank’s nasty hair pies, the Records need a big win over the Cock this week to make the playoffs. For the Gs and manager Emilio “Badealio” Pabon, the win brought back a sense of pride to the team. It also helped pull the Gs out of last place in the Power Rankings. Jamal Lewis is still looking like one of the best drafts of 2007 and Reggie Wayne will no doubt be a great keeper (33 points this week), especially considering that Marvin Harrison is clearly no longer the #1 receiver in Indy. Mad blunts yo.

THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (123.25) @ Pontoon Boats (98.75)

The Brigade needed a win and they got a win. It wasn’t pretty and manager Jon “Jonny HIV” Ades should thank his lucky stars that he played the lowly Boats . In fact, every other team except the Records would have beaten the Brigade this week, but as Guerrillas manager Eriq Keentsull always says, “that’s why we play the games.” The Brigade did just enough to pull out the win this week. Drew Brees was adequate and Ryan Grant and Braylon Edwards both had great days which overshadowed subpar performances by Joe Addai, Randy Moss, and the Packers D/ST. Of course, Jonny HIV is going to be in trouble if he has to start Quinn Sypniewski at tightend in the future (big Quinn threw up the big goose egg this week). That future will depend on the Week 14 tussle between the Brigade and the Monkey. Whoever wins is probably the Oatmeal Stout Division winner, even though their records will be tied with a Brigade victory. The first tie-breaker is head-to-head record (which would be split at 1-1) and the second tie-breaker is total points (Brigade has a 76 point lead going into the game). It’s already been reported that there has been some serious ticket scalping going on for the Week 14 battle. The current going rate for lower-tier seats? Three handjobs and a Ray Lewis fathead. The playoffs aren’t really that much of a concern for the Pontoon Boats who continue to be terrible and were the only team to fail to break the 100-total point mark this past week. If you are wondering what the Boats’ problem is, you need only look as far as manager Evan “The Schmitter” Schmidt whose out-of-control trading has really started to backfire. Anquan Boldin? 2 catches, 25 yards (recall the Galloway and Andre Johnson numbers above). Marques Colston? 2 catches, 39 yards (what? Cotchery is out for the year? Nonsense!). Jaguars D/ST? 7 total points. With the loss, the Boats clinched last place in the Oatmeal Stout Division and will probably be battling it out for the Toilet Bowl (discussed below). Better double up on that rash guard, Schmitter.

EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (158.25) @ The Rape Stand (146.25)

As noted last week, this game was kind of pointless. Both teams already clinched playoff spots and they were going to meet in the first round no matter what as whoever won the Nut Brown Division would have the #1 seed and whoever lost would be the wild card team. This game was really just about pride. The Guerrillas and manager Eriq Keentsull pulled out a narrow 12-point win to remain undefeated in division play and claim the division title. But are the Guerrillas the favorite for the championship? After a closer look at the numbers, the Recap isn’t so sure. One number really stands out, which is that the Guerrillas have only had 1596 total points scored against them. That is, by far, the lowest number in the league and it’s nearly 100 points less than the team with the second least points scored against it (Danger Monkey). So, even though the Guerrillas have been impressive, stringing together 6 consecutive victories and scoring the second most points in the league, it also appears that they have encountered a considerable amount of luck on their way to an 11-2 record. Perhaps this is why, even after the loss, the Rapists and manager Paul “Squeal Like a Pig” Kennedy are #1 in the power rankings. Whatever the case, the foundation of a great rivalry has definitely been laid and it’s only going to add to the excitement of the playoffs. Dreads! Shaved chests! It’s the Rapists against the Guerrillas this week on FOX!!!!

NEWS & NOTES

Limes manager Rickles Gittles did some scouting work on the League Headquarters at Case de Pelo Rojo in New Haven, CT, the site of the 2007-08 LRFL Conference on Recreation and Leisure Activities. He reports that the clam pizza is quite tasty. One other manager, however, has expressed concerns that Case de Pelo Rojo may be a tight fit for attending league managers and their respective entourages. “I’m a little worried,” the anonymous source said, “between the managers and Otis, the place is going to stink worse than the time turkey gravy poured through the ceiling and sink of Matlin’s room in the frat house and he tried to vacuum it up, subsequently breaking the fraternity’s vaccum.”

Speaking of the Conference, the planners are still trying to get an adequate headcount for beverage and room stinkage purposes. Please send an email to chopstix@football.sportsline.com if you are planning or not planning on attending (Robby and Gilman, we are looking in your direction). The chance of League Intern Paul Kennedy making it seems dim, but fellow managers, have started to take up a “Save Kennedy” flight fund in an attempt to get his bare, pasty chest and video game skills to New Haven.

The Conference is going to have a lot of entertaining features, one of which came about this week. After it was announced that Michigan would be playing UF in the Capital One Bowl, Drago (aka the Schmitter), a lifelong Michigan fan, challenged Hartman, a lifelong UF fan, to a little wager (whether the Commish can be considered a lifelong USC fan is still in dispute). Whoever loses will have to wear the winner’s team apparel for the first night of the Conference and learn the winner’s fight song. If Hartman wins, Drago must refer to him as Dr. Bigtime all weekend. Oddly, Drago requested that if he should win, Hartman must refer to him as “Sparkles” all weekend. There may be some additional wagers as we near closer to the festivities.

Last, but certainly not least, a Toilet Bowl is in the works to determine the worst team in the league. The bottom 4 teams will be placed into a loser’s bracket during the playoffs, and whoever is the ultimate loser will have their 2008 team name determined by a majority vote of the league. Honestly, the Recap sincerely doubts that team names could get any worse than “Soul-Ja Boi Records,” “Pontoon Boats,” or “Your Mom’s Balls” (though the latter provided the Recap with a lot of material), but it will be a nice challenge to try.

That’s it for now. Please send any clam pizza, no-doze, Mario Galaxy tips, gas money, White Russians, and UF apparel in Lurch-sizes to League Intern Paul Kennedy (assuming he is still alive).

Week Twelve Recap

Week Twelve Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

And we’re baaaaaack…from our little Thanksgiving hiatus. The Recap sincerely apologizes, but the future Mrs. Bigtime probably wouldn’t have been happy if Dr. Bigtime had his laptop plopped on top of some delicious green bean casserole and pecan pie. It’s unfortunate, because a lot went down in Week 11, including Evan “the Schmitter” Schmidt’s complete mental breakdown (he has demanded mercy from the Recap and so we will let him off 92% free). There was also the monumental Cock Goes Kaboom Bowl where the Commish dashed the playoff hopes of the Sundaes. With better coaching by Mike “Business Hippy” Hartman, the Sundaes could have pulled it out, but alas, fuck Jerricho Cotchery. We would also be remiss to not mention the Pontoon Boats nearly 100-point loss to The Che and the Guerrillas which was a nice exclamation point on the feces that was the Boats’ season. And yes, in case you wondering, that was the worst loss of the season by any team.

But of course, we have moved on to the greener pastures of Week Twelve. The Recap would like to first say that these Thursday night games are really starting to screw us up—it just seems wrong to be writing a Recap for Week Twelve when Week Thirteen has already started. Oh well—the Recap is busy during the week and we would feel bad about ourselves if we spent any more time than we already do on our fantasy lives.

More importantly, the Recap is extremely concerned about the well-being of Commissioner Matlin. For those not in the know, the Commish took a nasty spill at his non-fantasy job and injured his back. His hack of a doctor made the mistake of supplying him with a gumball machine full of pain pills and we are afraid that the LRFL supreme commander has started a downward spiral. After the Recap received several confusing text messages on Thanksgiving Day, the Commish could only offer that he was “drugged up.” A few days later the Commish sent the following missive via email to the league targeting League Intern Paul Kennedy:

“paul,

it is clear through your pathetic excuse for a blog that you hate peyton manning, or are taking advantage of brady's record year to rub in manning's fans. none of which exist in this league. anyway, you must say that "priceless pep talks" are really funny. although everyone needs to see the new bud light "dude" commercials. great stuff.”

The Recap is as confused as anybody. The Commish seems to have since disappeared from the face of the earth although the Recap was in the shower during his latest attempt to contact the League Public Relations Office. Perhaps he was seeking out help, or perhaps he was seeing if the Recap could fake a knee injury to get more Percocets. We may never know.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

Kimbo Slice (121) @ EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (160)

Kimbo Slice put together a nice mid-season run, but have once again hit the skids, dropping two in a row. The decision to trade Mark Bulger straight up for Donovan McNabb looked great at first, but McNabb was soon injured leaving Slice to start an immensely disappointing Vince Young over the last few weeks. Young lived down to the hype in Week 12 neither running nor passing for a touchdown, while throwing a pick and losing a fumble. Lee Evans has also once again hit a rough patch and his shoddy performance couldn’t be overpowered by Chad Johnson’s monster day. The Recap, however, would like to note that he got to see the real Kimbo Slice in action this week (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOpXdexXprQ; warning: there is some very gross bodily harm) and he is definitely worthy of having a fantasy team named after him. On the other side of the field, Eriq Keentsull and his Guerrillas continued to roll even with Ben Roethakajdflkjadssburger having a pretty horrific game. Greg Jennings, TO, and Antonio Gates combined for 5 touchdowns and 230 yards and the Cowboys D was just nasty, putting up 30 points. Of course, Week 13 is the big matchup between the Guerrillas and the Rapists with first place in the Nut Brown Division on the line. Amazingly, the two teams are tied at 65 points after the Thursday night game. Less amazingly, this game is fairly unimportant as these teams will almost definitely meet again in the first round of the playoffs as whoever loses the division is guaranteed the Wild Card and whoever wins the division is probably going to be the #1 seed. In other news, Guerrillas manager Eriq Keentsull will be the spokesperson for the new Calvin Kline scent, “Patruli de Hippy.”

Note: for a very interesting article on YouTube street fight videos, check out http://www.slate.com/id/2178230/fr/flyout which contains a lot of links to wacky street fights.

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (125.5) @ The Straw Hat Brigade (116.5)

With the Cock laying the smacketh down on the Sundaes in Week 11 and eliminating them from the playoffs, the Sundaes are now playing for pride and draft position. Manager Mike Hartman once again made some terrible coaching decisions, choosing to sit Calvin Johnson, Bernard Berrian, and Roddy White over Javon Walker (0 catches) and Jerricho Cotchery (2 catches, 43 yards). “I just couldn’t start a guy named Roddy again and me and Javon go way back,” said Hartman. Danger Monkey manager Sethadiah Pruss had another theory, “Hartman loves anything named Jerricho; he just can’t get enough. Whether its in wrestling or football, Hartman loves him some Jerricho.” Whatever the case, the Sundaes were still able to pull out a big win this week, getting a lot of help from Tom Brady, who even in an off week still managed to throw for 380 yards and a touchdown. The Seahawks Defense/Special Teams also aided the effort with a 30-point game. Gred Olsen once again took a 4.3-couric crap in his pants and finished the day with 1.5 points, but it didn’t matter because the Brigade choked. Needing a big win to challenge Danger Monkey for first place in the Oatmeal Stout Division, the Brigade missed out on nearly 25 points by starting Lendale While over the crafty Ryan Grant. Manager Jon “Jonny T-Cells” Ades was also weak at the #3 receiver position, trying to catch lightning in a bottle with Nate Washington who responded by catching 1 pass for 6 yards. Unless the Brigade wins the next two games and the Monkey loses the next two games, the Brigade has no shot at the playoffs. The Recap is not even sure if winning out give the Brigade a shot as the rules are extremely complicated to figure out and its better to leave it to sportsline.com to crunch the numbers. One thing is certain, however, and that is that Jonny T-Cells will not forget this loss. This will be one of the fiercest rivalries in the league come next year and as we all know, living with Ades is a tough go.

Your Mom’s Balls (142.75) @ THE RAPE STAND (143)

So you look at this score and you say “Wowie Kazowie…Oh Lordy that was a close game! Good gosh, smack my ass and call me A-Mart.” Ok maybe you don’t say that, but the game appears to be shockingly close. More amazing is that when Balls manager Jeremy “The Truth” Gilman lay his head on his mulberry-scented pillow Monday night he had secured a narrow, and prideful, victory over those damn Rapists. But when he woke up on Tuesday, he was stunned to see that the NFL had corrected its statistics, tearing the Balls away from the comforting scrotum of victory. Don’t ask the Recap what stats were adjusted, because we have no fucking clue. It is a shame, though, that Gilman couldn’t pull off the victory. The Balls got strong games from Derek Anderson, Earnest Graham, Donald Driver, Hines Ward, and the Colts Defense/Special Teams. More importantly, Gilman made his triumphant return to communications with the LRFL last week with one of the most enjoyable emails in recent memory. Without his contribution, the Recap might have never learned that the Schmitter was down last weekend with Sand in the Vagina. The Balls deserved the win on that information alone, but the Rapists snatched victory away from Gilman with the help of the NFL. It wasn’t as if Paul “Where the Hell is the Comedy/Tragedy Lineup This Week” Kennedy didn’t coach some of his team to success. Tono Romo, Marion Barber, and Brian Westbrook all had decent games, and Larry Fitzgerald had one of the best performances of the week. Kennedy, however, also started Mike Furrey and Heath Miller who both threw up goose eggs. That was, in fact, the first time this year that a team with two goose eggs pulled out a win. It’s just more evidence that the Rapists success is due more to dumb luck than any skill on the part of their hairless-chest-sporting coach. Nevertheless, the Rapists are assured a playoff spot and look to be a favorite for the championship. Zorb kash mash dotes.

SOUL-JA BOI RECORDS (133.75) @ Sweet Tangy Limes (84.75)

The Records suck. The Limes suck. The whole Amber Division sucks with the exception of the Cock who actually has scored a lot of points this year. This game isn’t even worth talking about and it is sad that one of these teams is probably going to make the playoffs. Gittles, we don’t even know you anymore.

Gangstalicious Resurection (146.25) @ JAKE LONG’S COCK (153.75)

The Gs season has really been depressing. Emilio “The Dealio” Pabon’s squad put up a pretty good total point score, but still couldn’t come away from the victory. Jamal Lewis, looking like one of the biggest steals of the draft, had a really nice game and Matt Schaub was decent. Deion Branch and Reggie Wayne combined for 158 yards and two touchdowns and the Chargers Defense/Special Teams scored 19 points for the Gs. Of course, the one week that Pabon decided not to start Phillip Rivers, he goes off for 249 yards and 3 touchdowns and his benching cost the Gs the win. At least Pabon has FIFA to look forward to in the offseason. For the surging Cock, it was a must-win situation and the team came through with its second straight win, keeping the Cock’s post-season hopes alive. Despite being “drugged up,” Commissioner Matlin constructed a good lineup which featured another huge day from Brett Favre and nice performances from Owen Daniels and Brandon Marshall. The Steelers Defense/Special Teams came through with a shut out as well (though unfortunately, the Cock received no 10-point shutout bonus). Reached via phone after the game, Commish Matlin commented on the big win. “Purple unicorns are awesome…errrr…uhhh…hey, who has the Doritos? Stop looking at me!” Get some help buddy…get some help. The Cock’s Week 13 battle with the Limes will be of dire importance to the playoff picture though the Cock looks limp coming out of the gate: Cock starting quarterback Brett Favre left Thursday night’s game in the first half after scoring the Cock a monstrous -0.75 points.

DANGER MONKEY (168.75) @ Pontoon Boats (162.75)

Like the Brigade, the Monkey needed a big win to pad its chances at reaching the postseason. Unlike the Brigade, the Monkey’s lineup came through. Peyton Manning, Steven Jackson, and Wes Welker were strong and Plax Burress returned from his absence as a fantasy stud. Manager Sethadiah Pruss’s team now looks posed to take first place in the Oatmeal Stout Division. Alas, Pruss learned soon after his victory that the first version of the LRFL Trophy had been stolen while in delivery to the League Offices. The Recap can only guess that somewhere in New Jersey, a mafia captain has a lovely dog trophy sitting on his mantle. Back to the game, it was a crushing defeat for the Boats. Though already eliminated from the playoffs, the Boats were playing for pride and a chance to show the league that all of the Schmitter’s crazy trades paid off. The Boats did put up an impressive point total primarily because of one of those trades. Yes, the Schmitter got the better of the Jackson-Gore trade this week as Gore went off, scoring 47.75 points. And Marques Colston once again had a big day. But, other mid-season acquisitions such as Matt Hasselbeck, Laurence Maroney, and Anquan Boldin had subpar performances and let’s not forget that the Schmitter has already traded one of his 2008 draft picks away. Let’s also not forget that the Schmitter thought he saw Tila Tequila a week and a half ago in some random bar in D.C. and proceeded to yell at her for ten minutes. That pretty much sums up the Baots’ season.

NEWS & NOTES

First and foremost, the Recap would like to dedicate the 2007 LRFL season to Sean Taylor. He was a young guy finally getting his life together and one of the best defenders and big hitters in the NFL. It is truly a tragedy and the Recap is deeply saddened at his loss.

On a brighter note, the Recap is growing more and more excited for the end-of-the-year party. There is already a caravan coming together for the trip to the league headquarters in New Haven, CT consisting of the Sundaes’ Mike Hartman, the Guerrillas’ Eriq Keenstull, the Boats’ Mr. Drago, and a player to be named later. Who will be the first one to pass out Friday night? Who will be the first one to kick Drago in the balls? How bad will Matlin’s apartment stink after we all sleep in there for a few nights? We shall find out in a little over a month!

Finally, on a non-LRFL related note, Super Smash Bros. Brawl is scheduled for release in February. A few managers have cemented their super-nerd status by preordering, which the Recap strongly suggests anyone with two balls, a wang, and an average or above-average sized brain do as well. Managers are already starting to claim characters—Gittles confirmed his creepy love of video game sluts by reserving both Princess Peach and the scantily clad Zero-Suit Samus. Pruss has reserved Pit, the newcomer from Kid Icarus. And Hartman has reserved Wario because he kills people with farts (sadly, there is no Chris Jericho character. But were you aware that there is a Chris Jericho biography out now that is currently in the top-10 bestsellers of sports books? No? Then you are a douche).

That’s it for now, see you all next week!

Please send all Super Smash Bros. Brawl YouTube clips, chicken wings, naked pictures of Chunks’ mom, Patruli de Hippy samples, missing dog trophies, and Tila Tequila t-shirts to League Intern Paul Kennedy.

The Weekly Recap Is on a Thankgiving Weekend Hiatus

The Cock Goes Kaboom Bowl, the battle for the Amber Division, and various Tila Tequila sightings will be discussed in the Week 12 Recap. Peace and Love.

COMEDY/TRAGEDY: Week 11

What the holy hell happened this week? Judging by the results, and with the benefit of 20/10 hindsight, managers followed the Saturday lead of Pontoon Boats manager Evan Schmitt and drunkenly mis-managed their rosters, resulting in boatloads of points left on the bench. Frighteningly for the League, this includes El Che head coach Erik Kintzel, who pulled down the biggest score of the week, but could have easily surpassed the 200-point barrier with a few moves.

For the first time in several weeks, the abundance of points on the bench would have changed the results of several of this week's games. We begin with the Kimbo Slice/Danger Monkey clash. In hindsight, both managers made the wrong decision at quarterback (though one was due to injury). Both managers make poor decisions at running back. And one made a poor decision at wide receiver. While it's oversimplifying things, Kimbo Slice would have taken the game by starting Vince Young over Donovan McNabb, but probably also could have pulled out a victory if McNabb had played the entire game.

In the game between Gangstalicious Resurrection and The Straw Hat Brigade, Resurrection manager Emilio Pabon finally relegated two-time defending Player of the Weak Philip Rivers to the bench (good to see he's paying attention). However, in the closest game of the week, starting Ronald Curry over any of his three WRs would have tilted the scales in the Resurrection's favor.

Finally, in a battle for basement supremacy, Dr. Bigtime and the Brownie Kaboom Sundays would have smoked Jake Long's Cock with two different decisions. Placing Thomas Jones and Calvin Johnson in the starting lineup for Selvin Young and Jerricho Cotchery would have given Hartman a 190.75-190.0 win over the Commish, and there was nothing Matlin could have done about having maxed out his roster's point potential this week.

Since the previous champeen, Phil Rivers, threw for over 300 yards on Resurrection's bench this week, that means we will have a new La Resistance Player of the WEAK. Talk about penthouse to poor-house. This week's Player of the WEAK is just 11 months removed from a Super Bowl championship, but on Sunday proved (for the second consecutive week) what he would have done with Tom Brady's supporting cast for the last six years. Celebrating his first Player of the WEAK award is the newest Danger Monkey, Peyton Manning. Manning, acquired by the Rules Czar this week, manged just 163 yards in the air to go along with an interception against Kansas City IN THE RCA DOME. For the second straight week, were it not for Joseph Addai the mighty Colts probably wouldn't have even advanced into the red zone. Congratulations Peyton, enjoy your Fleet Laboratories gift card, maybe you should give yourself a Priceless Pep Talk this week.

On to the lineups. As always, Comedy players were on their respective benches, while Tragedies hurt more than they helped in the starting lineup.

COMEDY:
QB: Vince Young, Kimbo Slice, 49.25 pts.
RB: Thomas Jones, Sundaes, 24.0 pts.
RB: Earnest Graham, YMB, 22.75 pts.
WR: Chris Henry, El Che, 18.0 pts.
WR: Brandon Stokely, El Che, 17.5 pts.
WR: Ronald Curry, Gangstalicious, 20.0 pts.
DST: Giants, El Che, 29.0 pts.

TRAGEDY:
QB: Peyton Manning, Monkey, 9.0 pts.
RB: Rudi Johnson, Soul-Ja Boi, 4.5 pts.
RB: Clinton Portis, Kimbo Slice, 7.0 pts.
WR: Patrick Crayton, YMB, 2.0 pts.
WR: Reggie Brown, Limes, 2.0 pts.
WR: Jerricho Cotchery, Sundaes, 0.5 pts.
TE: Randy McMichael, Sundaes, 0.5 pts.
DST: Bears, Pontoon Boats, 8.0 pts.

Week Ten Recap

Week Ten Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

http://laresistancefootballleague.blogspot.com/

There has been a lot of talk about trading draft picks and the pick forfeit rule. It’s a lot for the league and the Rules Committee to handle, especially the Schmitter who proved himself to be both semi-retarded and semi-illiterate this week when he requested an explanation of even the most basic of rules. Here at the Recap, we wonder why we need a draft at all? Several team managers have made so many trades and moves this season that their rosters bear little resemblance to those they went to battle with after the draft. Take these three teams for example:

Pontoon Boats Week 1 Roster: QB: Donovan McNabb, Trent Green; RB: Steven Jackson, Deuce McAllister, Kevin Jones, Vernand Morency; WR: Donald Driver, Joey Galloway, Steve Smith, Mike Furrey, DJ Hackett; TE: Jeremy Shockey. Heath Mellier; K: Adam Vinatieri (choke artist and 9th round pick); D/ST: New England Patriots

Pontoon Boats Current Roster: QB: Marc Bulger, Matt Hasselbeck; RB: Laurence Maroney, Frank Gore, Ladell Betts, Kevin Faulk; WR: Anquan Boldin, Marques Colston, Steve Smith, Darrell Jackson; TE: Jeremy Shockey; K: Adam Vinatieri; D/ST: Chicago Bears

Pontoon Boats remaining players from Week 1: 3

Danger Monkey Week 1 Roster: QB: Jon Kitna, Vince Young; RB: Cedric Benson, Frank Gore, MBIII, Kenton Keith (Keith Kenton), Leon Washington; WR: Plax Burress, Jerricho Cotchery, Roy Williams, Troy Williamson; TE: Jason Witten, LJ Smith; K: Jason Elam; D/ST: Jacksonville Jaguars.

Danger Monkey Week 2 Roster: QB: Jon Kitna, Peyton Manning; RB: Steven Jackson, Brandon Jacobs, Brian Leonard, Maurice Morris, Reuben Droughns; WR: Plax Burress, Wes Welker, Roy Williams, Shaun McDonald, James Jones; TE: Jason Witten; K: Josh Brown; D/ST New England Patriots

Danger Monkey remaining players from Week 1: 3

Yosarrian Lives Week 1 Roster: QB: Matt Hasselbeck, Brett Favre; RB: Laurence Maroney, Willis McGahee, Mike Anderson, Marshawn Lynch; WR: Anquan Boldin, Mark Clayton, Barndon Marshall, Devin Hester, Bryant Johnson; TE: Chris Cooley, Desmond Clark; K: Matt Stover; D/ST: Chicago Bears

Jake Long’s Cock Current Roster: QB: Brett Favre, Jay Cutler; RB: Cedric Benson, Willis McGahee, Vernand Morency, Adrian Peterson (Chi.); WR: Joey Galloway, Andre Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Nate Burleson, Vincent Jackson; TE: Chris Cooley, Owen Daniels; k: Rob Bironas; D/ST: Pittsburgh Steelers

Jake Long’s Cock remaining players from Week 1: 4

Maybe the LRFL should just abolish the draft altogether. Instead of the draft, we will just have a combined 180 player roster and allocate the players to the twelve teams each week through a random lottery where a monkey dressed as a police officer picks pingpong balls out of a football helmet filled with cottage cheese. The Brigade gets 8 tightends? Sucks for you! The Records get no wide receivers? Not a whole lot different from the current system.

Would this be any more crazy than the shenanigans we’ve seen this year in the LRFL? The Recap says no way.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winner in caps).

Gangstalicious Resurection (81) @ KIMBO SLICE (131.5)

For the second week in a row the Gs failed to break the 100-point mark. Phillip Rivers has just been terrible as of late, notching only 1.5 points in Week 10. The Vikings D/ST put up only 3 points and Edge and Jamal Lewis were nearly as terrible. Deion Branch threw up the goose egg for good measure. Just been that kind of season. At 2-8, it’s nearly over for the Gs (though the Amber Division truly sucks). Not much more to say than that…the Resurection needs to be resurrected. On the other hand, Kimbo Slice is proving to be a tough team after starting the season at 1-6. Slice didn’t have a great week, but managed to parlay a very nice day from the newly acquired Donovan McNabb and a solid day from Clinton Portis into an easy victory. It may be too late for Slice and manager Evan Herring, who currently sit 3 games back in the Nut Brown Division, but with 4 games remaining, nothing is out of the question. Slice faces off with the wily Danger Monkey next week which may have some serious playoff and wildcard implications.

Jake Long’s Cock (142) @ EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (176.25)

There are only four remaining teams in the LRFL who have not dipped below the 100-point mark in any single week. The surprise member of that club: the Cock! The Cock has scored the 5th most amount of points in the league. Somehow, the Commish’s Cock is still sitting limp at 2-8 for a share of last place in the Amber Division. How is this happening? Well, without fail the Cock’s opponents seem to always have their biggest point weeks when they play against him. Week 10 was no different. Even though the Cock put up a strong 142 points, the Guerrillas 176.25 was too much for the Commish’s squad. Brett Favre was phenomenal this past week, but Anquan Boldin, Chris Cooley, and the Steelers D/ST were not. The Guerrillas and team manager Eriq Keentsull rose to 8-2, getting solid performances all around. Ben Roethhelsrjseisburger had another very nice day and Marshawn Lynch and Willie Parker each chipped in with 22.5 points. Don’t even get the Recap started on Mr. Terrell Owens, who has been nothing short of spectacular this year. The Guerrillas are in solid shape to challenge for first place in the Nut Brown Division or at least grab the wildcard. Keentsull is also feeling good about the fact that he recently trained 45 hampsters to power his house with their hamster wheels. So far he’s got a lightbulb and a blender working. Getting back to the Cock, the Commish’s season would be over if he wasn’t managing a team in the pathetically horrible Amber Division. The Cock can still make a late season push and luckily for the Commish, this week he swindled the Schmitter and his Pontoon Boats into making a ridiculous trade that will send Andre Johnson, Joey Galloway, and Jay Cutler to the Cock for an injured Boldin, underperforming Matt Hasselback, and the always-useless Fred Taylor. Right in time to completely fuck the Sundaes who play the Cock this week!

YOUR MOM’S BALLS (137.5) @ The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes (99)

Speaking of those dripping, melting, Sundaes, they finally joined the sub-100 club this week, throwing up an embarrassing 99 point performance and falling to those slippery Balls. Manager Manager Mike “The Pants Hater” Hartman knew he was in trouble this week with Thomas Brady and Jerricho Cotchery on bye weeks, but he never thought it would be this bad. Early in the week he dropped #2 quarterback Jason Campbell to pick up Damon Huard, who he then dropped to pick up Brian Griese. Well, we all know how it turned out: Campbell threw for 215 yards and three touchdowns (and 36 total points). Griese started out okay but then left with a shoulder injury late in the first half and didn’t return. Campbell’s points alone wouldn’t have helped the Sundaes win, but they may have if Hartman started Bernard Berrian over Calvin Johnson or Roddy White. On the bright side, LDT had a decent day, and Selvin Young was very strong in his first NFL start. Fellow rookies Greg Olsen and Calvin Johnson, on the other hand, were terrible (Olsen had a goose egg, Johnson caught 3 passes for 36 yards). Across the field, the Balls were lucky to meet the Sundaes on Brady’s off-week. Donald Driver and Tony Gonzalez had a combined 7 catches for 92 yards and Kevin Jones ran for -4 yards (though he did score a touchdown). The Balls trail both the Guerrillas and the Rapists in the Nut Brown Division and with team manager Jeremy Gilman still missing in action, the Recap predicts a late season slide.

DANGER MONKEY (148.5) @ Sweet Tangy Limes (111.75)

This was supposed to be a big game, but in the end Danger Monkey cruised to victory and reclaimed first place in the Oatmeal Stout Division. Though Peyton Manning, the Monkey’s newly acquired quarterback, threw 6 interceptions, he also threw for 328 yards and 2 touchdowns. Steven Jackson also had a great rebound day, passing for a touchdown, and running for 76 yards and a score (if you recall, the Schmitter traded Jackson to the Monkey straight up for Frank Gore a few weeks ago). Brandon Jacobs had a solid day and Roy Williams finally is relevant to the fantasy world again after he caught six balls, including 2 touchdowns. Still, with Plax hurting, James Jones no longer being in Brett Favre’s favor, and Jason Witten’s recent decline, it is not clear whether the Monkey and manager Sethadiah Pruss will be able to keep their hands on first place. Wes Welker’s Danger Monkey debut this week will undoubtedly help the cause. For the Limes and manager Rickles Gittles, the rest of the season looks bleak. Eli Manning is definitely not a #1 fantasy quarterback, and Kurt Warner is too inconsistent to start the rest of the way. More importantly, Adrian Peterson went down this week with a bad knee injury and Shaun Alexander and Marvin Harrison have already been out with multiple injuries. At 5-5, the Limes are still in first in the Amber Division (8th in power rankings), but they get the first-place Rapists next week, and then face tough division battles for the rest of the way. Gittles better do something and we are pretty sure the answer isn’t playing Guitar Hero III for hours on end.

PONTOON BOATS (160) @ Soul-Ja Boi Records (107)

The Schmitter’s trade sending McNabb to Kimbo Slice straight up for Mark Bulger didn’t look that bad this week as Bulger completed over 80 percent of his passes and threw for 300+ and two touchdowns. The Boats, however, need to be very concerned about the rest of their roster. The Cowboys scored a ton of points in Week 10, but MBIII ran for only 33 yards and no touchdowns. Frank Gore has just been terrible this year and ran the ball only 13 times for 72 yards. Steve Smith is still getting nothing with the terrible Carolina quarterback situation. The bright spots? As much as it pains the Recap to say this, the Marques Colston trade is proving ingenious as Colston had another gigantic receiving day. Jeremy Shockey also had his best game of the season with 129 yards, 12 catches, and a touchdown. The Boats, however, still sit in last place in the Oatmeal Stout Division and face the 8-2 Guerrillas in Week 11. For some reason, the Schmitter thinks it’s a good idea to start trading away draft picks. The Recap knows that lightning never strikes the same place twice…there is no way that any of the other Boats’ trades will pan out this season. Mark it dude. And what about those Records? Well…at least they have broken the Jeckyl and Hyde pattern (by losing 3 in a row) and scored more than 100 points this week (by scoring a whopping 107). We can’t really blame Records’ manager Robert Winchester Chesterton Huntington Chesterhunt Winchesting Frederickson IV for the performance of Carson Palmer this year, but somehow Mr. Robbie has decimated both his running back “core” and his wide receiver “core.” Mr. Robbie also might want to try starting a tightend next week that is actually going to play in an NFL game. But, like the Cock and the Gs, the Records are in the god-awful Amber Division and at 3-7, still have a chance at taking the division and making the playoffs.

THE RAPE STAND (187.25) @ The Straw Hat Brigade (103)

Rapists manager Paul Tiberius Kennedy was a little nervous about his matchup against the Brigade this week. “The world has to face it,” said Kennedy before his Week 10 matchup, “Ades kills.” As it turned out, Kennedy had nothing to fear except sunburn on his pasty white masshole skin. He put up the highest point total this week getting a 4 touchdown day from Tony Romo and an absolute monster of a game from Fantasy MVP candidate Brian Westbrook. Strong days from Larry Fitzgerald and Heath Miller added to the huge point total as well. Kennedy made a risky move earlier this week, however, sending Andre Johnson and Jay Cutler to the Boats in exchange for Mike Furrey and MBIII. Yes, the Rapists probably need some help at running back after losing Ronnie Brown earlier in the season. But, the Rapists wide receiver “core” consisting of Larry Fitz, Bobby Engram, Arnaz Battle, Dennis Northcutt, and the newly acquired Mike Furrey is hardly championship caliber. This was an interesting choice of roster management considering that the Rapists will have to fight the rest of the season to take first place in the Nut Brown Division. But what about that crazy Jon Ades and that wacky Brigade? Besides Drew Brees and the Packers D, it was a terrible day all around. Lendale White had 17 total yards; Joe Addai had 72 total yards and no touchdowns; Braylon Edwards caught one pass; and the rest of the roster barely contributed at all. With the loss, the Brigade slides back into second place in the Oatmeal Stout Division which looks like it is going to be a royal rumble until the end. Ades better get his shit together or his season is going to end in one big starwipe.

NEWS & NOTES

The LRFL divisions are currently going through the renaming process. As of next year, the Oatmeal Stout Division will be known as the Jesus and Pals Division and the Amber Division will be known as The Chili Con Carnival Division. The League is eagerly awaiting the unveiling of the new name for the Nut Brown Division, though it will probably be months before the rest of the managers can track down Gilman for his vote.

The Constitution is almost finished but we need to settle some final rules. Managers, please go to the league website and vote on the most recent poll(s). After that Pruss and Hartman will finalize the constitution and add in provisions that require Kennedy to come dressed to the end-of-season party as Cookie Monster.

That’s it for now (short news & notes section this week). Please send all suggestions, rumors, Cookie Monster costumes, Denim Jackets, Gorillaz CDs, weight benches, and Chipotle burritos to League Intern Paul Kennedy. All hail Commissioner Matlin.

COMEDY/TRAGEDY: Week 10

The benches were deep with running back talent this week, but for the second consecutive week there wasn't a single coaching move that would have shifted the outcome of a La Resistance matchup. The closest game this week still had a margin of 34 points, and the only way Jake Long's Cock could have beaten El Che was to start two quarterbacks. In the real world, Jake Long's cock and the artist formerly known as Lloyd Carr DID use two quarterbacks....and still didn't win at Wisconsin.

Significant points were left on the bench all over the League this week, but mostly in the area of quarterback and running back. Matt Hasselbeck's 41.25 points were tops for a pine riding quarterback, but he failed to qualify since Brett Favre more than held his own in the starting lineup for Mr. Matlin. Maurice Morris (24.5 pts) and Jesse Chatman (28.25 pts) both put up their best games of the season, but didn't make the cut for the Tragedy lineup, which gives you some idea of the depth at the running back position.

Can it be? A back-to-back "winner" for La Resistance Player of the Weak?!? Friends, colleagues, countrymen, one player has hit a new low, being honored consecutively by the Blog as the worst of the worst....

This week's La Resistance Player of the Weak is Gangstalicious Resurrection quarterback Philip "Marmalard" Rivers. Last week Rivers posted a pedestrian 8.5 points for the Gangstas. This week, the poster-boy for the Norv Turner regime in San Diego turned in a truly awful 1.5 points...in a Chargers win. Rivers seems to be getting worse and worse every week, and this season has scored over one-hundred fewer points than the man he forced out of Southern California, Drew Brees, despite Brees' difficult start to the season. Also, he'd probably seem like less of a douchebag if he just went by "Phil". Congratulations Phil, and enjoy your Lady Foot Locker gift card....again.

In addition to Rivers, special attention must be paid to two other horrible performances. First, to Pontoon Boats placekicker Adam "Captain Calm Eyes" Vinatieri. Vinatieri's one point for the high-powered Colts offense is magnified by the fact that he missed not one, but two chip-shot field goals, one of which would have most assuredly clinched an Indianapolis win.

Next, to the Vikings defense. We here at the Blog don't want to pile on Gangstalicious Resurrection because starting the Vikings defense over San Diego was the right move at the time, but with the advantage of hindsight...ugh. Minnesota's defense turned in just 3.0 points, one of the lowest defensive point totals of the year, while on the Gangstas bench San Diego had a whopping 37.0 points, one of the higher totals of the year, thanks to six interceptions of "God's gift to marketing" Peyton Manning and a pair of special teams touchdowns.

On to the lineups. As always, Comedy players were on their respective benches, while Tragedies hurt more than they helped in the starting lineup.

COMEDY:
QB: Kurt Warner, Limes, 39.5 pts
RB: Warrick Dunn, Soul-Ja Boi, 32.0 pts
RB: Ryan Grant, Straw Hat, 32.75 pts
WR: Bernard Berrian, Brownie Kaboom, 19.0 pts
WR: Shaun McDonald, Danger Monkey, 8.25 pts
WR: Chris Henry, El Che, 14.0 pts
TE: Donald Lee, Your Mom's Balls, 10.0 pts
DST: San Diego, Gangstalicious, 37.0 pts

TRAGEDY:
QB: Philip Rivers, Gangstalicious, 1.5 pts
RB: Marion Barber, Pontoon Boats, 7.5 pts
RB: LenDale White, Straw Hat, 3.5 pts
WR: Anquan Boldin, Jake Long, 3.5 pts
WR: Calvin Johnson, Brownie Kaboom, 4.5 pts
WR: Plaxico Burress, Danger Monkey, 4.0 pts
TE: Tony Gonzalez, Your Mom's Balls, 3.5 pts
K: Adam Vinatieri, Pontoon Boats, 1.0 pts
DST: Minnesota, Gangstalicious, 3.0 pts

Week Nine Recap

Week Nine Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

http://laresistancefootballleague.blogspot.com/

Last week the LRFL Winnebago took a left turn and haphazardly ended up in Trade City. What the Recap didn’t know then was that the Winnebago blew a few tires and there wasn’t enough money left in the league budget for any repairs. Alas, the LRFL is stranded in that dark, nefarious city where fantasy teams go to die. Let the Recap tell you about Trade City. It is a truly desolate place. Managers hear the call of a possibly season-saving trade, but much like Homer’s Sirens, the “season-saving trade” is a ruse (a.k.a. a cunning attempt to trick you). Such a trade is more likely to be the downfall of a team than its saving grace. Nevertheless, team managers in LRFL can’t seem to help themselves, and it seems like we’ve seen more trades in the last few days than during the whole season.

Of course, Danger Monkey has found itself back in the mix. The way other managers trade with Danger Monkey manager Sethadiah Pruss, you’d think he’s been giving out free handjobs all season long (note: league intern Paul Kennedy is currently investigating whether Pruss is, in fact, giving out a free handjob with each trade). This week Danger Monkey traded Derek Anderson, Donald Driver, and Kevin Jones to Your Mom’s Balls for Peyton Manning and Wes Welker. It’s probably too early to predict the impact of this trade other than that it’s going to give the Brownie Kaboom Sundaes the ‘ole screwjob this week when they face the previously-drained Balls. The Recap also guesses that the Balls are probably going to get some bad karma for trading away such a super whiteboy receiver like Welker. It’s also interesting to consider that Donald Driver and Kevin Jones were both acquired initially from the Pontoon Boats…if only the Schmitter would have known that he could have turned those slackers into Peyton and Welker.

Also mired in Trade City this past week was Commissioner Matlin, who has apparently thrown in the towel on his fantasy 2007. Jake Long’s Cock traded away prime assets Greg Jennings and Laurence Maroney for 2008 draft picks. “The Cock is completely deflated,” the Commish said. “The Cock needs to get itself up and running for next year.” Rumor has it that more of this type of trade will be emerging from the demented mind of the Commish. The trades will certainly prove a challenge for the LRFL Legal Committee as they present some serious keeper and pick forfeiting implications.

Finally, an old visitor to Trade City, Robert “Mr. Robbie” Chesterton Huntington Frederickson IV, made a triumphant return this week. Soul-Ja Boi Records sent Ben “5 touchdowns on MNF” Reotheresilajdfsburger to El Che y Los Guerilleros for father-of-the-year candidate Travis Henry. Henry has nagging rib and leg injuries, can’t lay off the sticky icky, and might be suspended in a few weeks…but we’re sure he’ll carry the Records to the playoffs.

With one week to go before the trade deadline, what crazy trades will the LRFL managers come up with? Are more draft picks going to go?? Will either Danger Monkey or the Pontoon Boats finish the season with any of the same players they started out the season with??? We shall see!

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

KIMBO SLICE (155.5) @ The Pontoon Boats (130.75)

Though they are probably irreparably relegated to the basement of the Nut Brown Division this season, no one can say that Kimbo Slice lacks heart. Slice and team manager Evan Herring picked up their second straight win this week and put up a decent 155.5 score. Slice was especially strong at running back with Reggie Bush’s 115 total yard, two touchdown game and Clinton Portis’s monster week against the Jets where he went for nearly 200 yards and a score. Lee Evans, given to Slice as a gift from the Records early in the season, had his third consecutive big game going for 9 catches, 165 yards, and a touchdown. The Pontoon Boats dropped an important game and one that should have been a gimme. Team manager Evan “The Schmitter” Schmidt’s wheeling and dealing has left the team thin at running back. This week, the Boats went with MBIII and…Maurice Hicks? Jeez. Hicks at least scored a touchdown but, otherwise, he didn’t do much. To think, the Boats could have a running back “core” right now of Stephen Jackson, Kevin Jones, and Ced Benson. Instead, they have Marion Barber, Ced Benson, and the San Fran back du jour. Also crippling the Boats this week was the Jaguars D/ST who allowed 35 points and would have put up even less than the 9 points they scored if it wasn’t for their kick return for a touchdown (if you recall, the Boats previously traded away the Pats D/ST to get the Jags D/ST back in return). As a result, the Boats are now in the cellar of the Oatmeal Stout Division and in the bottom half of the power rankings. Interestingly, post-game, Slice and the Boats swapped quarterbacks (McNabb to Slice; Bulger to Boats). Why the Boats would trade straight up to get an injured quarterback playing on a winless team is beyond the Recap’s comprehension.

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (128.5) @ Gangstalicious Resurection (94.5)

The Sundaes and manager Mike “Ghost Pirates” Hartman knew they were in for a tough week. Fantasy superduper star Tom Brady was playing against the Colts and the Sundaes were without #1 wide receiver Tory Holt. The Sundaes also received tough news this week that Chris Henry, who looked like an ingenious waiver wire pickup, is facing a four game suspension. Fortunately for the Sundaes, Brady, LT, and the Titans D/ST did just enough to take the team to victory and above the .500 mark for the first time this year. In his post-game press conference, Hartman didn’t have much to say. “We were lucky to win…I just hope I don’t have to start a guy named Roddy for too many more games.” On the other side of the ball, the Gs lost another one, this week failing to break the 100-total point mark. Phillip Rivers was horrible, despite an easy matchup, Edge finished with a measley 15 yards, and the Charges D/ST had 35 points scored against them. The Gs left Jamal Lewis on the bench where he promptly scored four touchdowns. On top of everything, LJ went down with a bad foot sprain and may be out of commission for a while. It’s just been that kind of season. The Gs now sit in dead last in the Amber Division and in the Power Rankings. It may be time to start dealing some draft picks my friends.

EL CHE y LOS GUERRILEROS (174.25) @ Danger Monkey (122.25)

The Guerrillas only know how to do one thing: win. Four teams have outscored the Guerrillas in total points this year but they are still tied for the best record in the league. The Guerrillas and manager Eriq Keentsull had an impressive outing scoring nearly 175 points mostly on the backs of rookie Marshwn Lynch (160 total yards, a rushing TD, and a passing TD) and Terell Owens (10 catches, 174 yards, and a touchdown). The scary part is that the Guerrillas would have won even without Lynch and their total score would have been even higher if Keentsull had started the newly acquired Ben Roethhsieajldfaburger over J.P. Losman and Santonio Holmes over Antwaan Randle El. The Guerrillas are tied for first place in the Nut Brown Division, where the Rapists seem to have a strangle hold on first place. That Week 13 matchup is going to be innnnnnnsane. On the flip side of things, the loss for Danger Monkey actually sent them back into a tie for first place in the Oatmeal Stout Division with the Brigade. Though the Monkey defeated the Brigade earlier in the season, the Brigade has the points lead. Those teams will face off right before the playoffs in Week 14. Wowsers! Kablammo! Perhaps Peyton Manning and Wes Welker will spark the Monkey back into its winning ways, but Sethadiah Pruss is going to be in some real trouble if Steven Jackson or Brandon Jacobs get banged up again.

THE SWEET TANGY LIMES (154) @ Your Mom’s Balls (128.5)

This game really only needs a two-word explanation: Adrian Peterson. Peterson’s 315 toal yards and three touchdowns were good for 68 points, nearly 45% of the Limes’ total score for the week. With that kind of day, the Limes still got the win despite 7.5 points from Kurt Warner and 7 points from Shaun Alexander. Kellen Winslow added a nice day, and it sure looks like those Limes are back to being truly sweet and most definitely tangy. Peterson is now looking like the steal of the draft, confirming manager Rickles Gittles’ status of the LRFL’s mad scientist. The Limes also now have a comfortable first place lead in the Amber Division. On the other hand, Your Mom’s Balls are smelling fishy. After an impressive run, the Balls have dropped two in-a-row and just made a panic trade, sending #1 pick Peyton Manning off to greener pastures. Manager Jeremy “Where’s Waldo?” Gilman can’t expect many more 125 yard and a touchdown games from Earnest Graham, and a running back “core” of Ahman Green, Kevin Jones, and MJD may not be enough to compensate for the drop at quarterback. It doesn’t even really matter though since the Recap isn’t actually sure if Gilman is still alive or if his kidnapper is allowing him to watch football this season. So far, Captain Ades’ search of the Atlantic hasn’t turned up any clues.

Soul-Ja Boi Records (94) @ THE RAPE STANDS (184.75)

Mr. Robbie and the Records finally broke their Jekyll and Hyde ways. Yes indeedy, they’ve finally managed to throw up two consecutive stinkers. For the second week in a row, Mr. Robbie’s team failed to break the 100-point mark. It’s actually amazing that the Records failed to break the 100-point mark considering they got 38.25 points form Carson Palmer alone. So how did they do it? The newly acquired Travis Henry put up 44 total yards and now TDs. The Records’ receiving “core” of Bowe, Chambers, and Walter, combined for 8 total catches and 92 total yards. The Ravens D/ST allowed 38 points and forced only one turnover. The team is now second-to-last in the power rankings. Yes, the Records suck. The Rapists, on the other hand, most definitely do not. A week after losing to the Sundaes, the Rapists responded nicely and managed to retain a share of first place in their division. Everyone in the lineup contributed strongly, but the biggest surprise came from Bobby Engram who caught a whopping 14 passes for 139 yards and a touchdown. “Most people I have met named Bobby are huge d-bags,” manager Paul Kennedy said. “Bobby Barnett, Justin Bobby from the Hills…they are all huge douches. But Bobby Engram…that boy good.” The Rapists have to do something at running back, where they are still reeling from the loss of Ronnie Brown. But, the Rapists also have Andre Johnson returning soon from injury. Will the Rapists continue their rapey goodness? They certainly will face a very tough challenge in Week 10 against the Brigade.

THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (221.5) @ Jake Long’s Cock (156.25)

Speaking of the Brigade, they had a huge win this week, taking the weekly honors for total points scored and moving into a tie for first place in the Oatmeal Stout Division. Drew Brees has really started to come on, and helped Brigade manager Jon “Jonny T-Cells” Ades this week with a 445 yard, three touchdown monster of a game. As good as Brees was, Joseph Addai was an absolute juggernaut, totaling 226 total yards and scoring a touchdown. Ades also got another 100 yard and a touchdown performance from LenDale White (whom the Sundaes sorely miss) and a typical 9 catch, 145 yards, and a touchdown game from Randy Moss. Even the Packers D/ST chipped in this week with 26 points. Who will find the cure for Ades??? Someone better, because we have a full-scale epidemic on our hands here. As already noted above, the Cock has thrown in the towel on this season. At 2-7, there isn’t much playoff hope for the Commish, and it seems like no matter what team the Cock plays, that team always has their best game of the season. Few can blame the Commish; despite the awful record, the Cock is still firm at 7th in the power rankings. The Cock has the 4th toughest schedule in the league and the injury bug (Maroney, Boldin, etc.) hasn’t helped. As a result, the Commish has decided to let the fire sale begin is going to concentrate for the rest of the year on designing matching tanktops for all the team managers to wear at the end-of-the season gala.

NEWS & NOTES

If you were paying attention to the above, you would have noticed that only one home team won this week (the Rapists, making the Records the only losing visiting team). The Recap is pretty sure that’s the only time it’s been close to a sweep for the visiting (or home) teams. Not much to say about that, but pretty interesting.

More interesting is this: the championship trophy has been purchased. As you can see in the picture above, it is a nice little specimen, about eight inches high with a scary-looking German Shephard on top. Now that you have all seen the trophy, it may be easier to come up with some names. Please send all suggestions to Sethadiah Pruss, Chairman of the Rules Committee.

Finally, it has been officially decided that division names for next year will be South Park references. Each division is responsible for coming up with its own name, so please don’t make it stupid (Nut Brown Division, we’re looking in your direction). Let’s try to have this wrapped up by next week.

Just in case you missed it: http://www.rocketvid.com/ (not safe for work!)

That’s it for now. Please send all Sexy Joe videos, Chef Boyardee raviolis, shrimp and scallion dumplings, and reservations for Super Smash Bros. Brawl to League Intern Paul Kennedy.

COMEDY/TRAGEDY: Week 9

Points were scored in bunches this week, resulting in many points on the field (The Straw Hat Brigade's League-best 221.5 points) and on the bench. The closest battle of the weekend was the war of attrition between Soul-Ja Boi's starting lineup and his bench. In a match-up that was too close to call until the late afternoon on Sunday, the starters barely edged the reserves 94-92.5, probably due to the fact that there was no quarterback representing the bench. Soul-Ja Boi's two starting running backs combined didn't equal the production of pine riding Warrick Dunn.

Regardless, different personnel decisions would not have swayed the game for Robby Bobby, or any other manager in the League for that matter. Several changes would have made for closer contests, but nothing would have tipped the scales. The Sweet Tangy Limes overcame awful performances from their QB and a RB, but still mnaged a win thanks to 'All Day' Peterson.

The coaching the League has improved considerably over the course of the year, from the level of the Big 10 in the early going, to the level of the Pac-10 recently, and is approaching SEC caliber as we head down the stretch.

The current Coach Ratings, as determined by CBSSportsline are as follows:

1) The Rape Stand
2) The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes
3) Sweet Tangy Limes
4) The Straw Hat Brigade
5) Soul-Ja Boi Records
6) El Che y los Guerrileros
7) Jake Long's Cock
8) Kimbo Slice
9) Pontoon Boats
10) Danger Monkey
11) Your Mom's Balls
12) Gangstalicious Resurrection

The many points left on the bench by managers this week created quite a competition for the Comedy Lineup. Brett Favre (47.5), Justin Fargas (23.75), and Ron Dayne (25.25) all appeared on the radar, but did not make the cut. The Tragedy Lineup had many potential candidates as well, with someone named "A. Echemandu" registering 0.5 points, but he was disqualified because I don't know who he is, or which team he plays for.

This week's La Resistance Player of the Weak is San Diego and Gangstalicious Resurrection QB Philip Rivers. Rivers did not have the lowest point total at his position this weekend, but the fact that he managed just 8.5 points against Minnesota got him the nod over Kurt Warner. Rivers went up against the Vikings defense, which had allowed the third-most fantasy points to quarterbacks this season, and put up a terrible effort (just like the rest of the Chargers). Rivers completed less than half of his pass attempts for a paltry 197 yards and a pick. Congratulations Phil!

On to the lineups. As always, Comedy players were on their respective benches, while Tragedies hurt more than they helped in the starting lineup.

COMEDY:
QB: Ben Roethlisberger, El Che, 49.25 pts.
RB: Jamal Lewis, Gangstalicious, 40.0 pts.
RB: Warrick Dunn, Soul-Ja Boi, 27.75 pts.
WR: Santonio Holmes, El Che, 28.0 pts.
WR: Shaun McDonald, Danger Monkey, 18.75 pts
WR: DJ Hackett, Soul-Ja Boi, 14.0 pts

TRAGEDY:
QB: Kurt Warner, Limes, 7.5 pts.
RB: Edgerrin James, Gangstalicious, 9.5 pts
RB: Shaun Alexander, Limes, 7.0 pts.
WR: Hines Ward, YMB, 4.0 pts.
WR: Steve Smith, Pontoon, 2.5 pts.
WR: A. Randle-El, El Che, 3.5 pts
TE: Antonio Gates, El Che, 1.5 pts.

Week Eight Recap

Week Eight Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

http://laresistancefootballleague.blogspot.com/

Do you know where you are? You’re in Trade City baby! Already this year, we’ve had fourteen, count them, fourteen trades in the La Resistance Football League. It seems like nearly 159 different players have changed hands, and team managers have revealed their fantasy genius, or lack thereof, with their crafty moves. Here are a few of the Recap’s favorites so far:

Trade: 9/21; Kimbo Slice trades DeShawn Wynn to Soul-Ja Boi Records for Lee Evans.

Wha Happened? This was the first trade of the year, and from its appearance, it looks to be the first trade that Records’ manager Robert Winchester “Mr. Robbie” Frederickson V has been involved in during his short, though glorious, life. Much like his first espresso and first taste of prosciutto, the idea of Mr. Robbie’s first trade seemed to blow his mind.

Where are they now? DeShawn Wynn was immediately relegated to the Packers’ bench and almost as quickly dropped from the Records roster five days after the trade. Meanwhile, Evans, a pre-draft top 10 receiver, is starting to turn around his season, catching 10 passes for 236 yards and a touchdown over the last two games.

Trade: 9/26; Danger Monkey trades Jerricho Cotchery and the Jaguars D/ST to the Pontoon Boats for Shaun McDonald and the Patriots D/ST.

Wha Happened? The trade itself wasn’t all that exciting but it represents the seemingly endless trades between the Monkey and the Boats. Both teams have been involved in 6 different trades in the LRFL this year. It was speculated that the teams both had a red phone, directly connecting them to each other, but the Recap has now discovered that Boats manager Evan “The Schmitter” Schmitt and Monkey manager Sethadiah Pruss had microchips implanted in their brains so that they could complete their trades instantaneously.

Where are they now? The Patriots are the number one D/ST, while the Jaguars D/ST is 11th. Cotchery is having a decent season, though he scored his lone touchdown this year on a hail mary. McDonald has less catches and yards than Cotchery, but has caught three touchdowns. Most importantly, the Boats turned Cotchery into Marques Colston via trade with the Sundaes, and Colston responded well to the change of scenery. Though this specific trade might turn out to be a draw, the rest of the league thinks it’s probably time for the Schmitter to take his finger off the button.

Trade: 10/4; Soul-Ja Boi Records trades Ahman Green and Amani Toomer to Your Mom’s Balls for Warrick Dunn and Kenton Keith.

Wha Happened? Mr. Robbie got back into the swing of things, trading one of his few performing wide receivers and a crappy running back for another crappy running back and one Mr. Kenton Keith. The Recap loves this trade simply because it led to Mr. Robbie referring to the Colts’ backup as Keith Kenton. Classic.

Where are they now? Sadly, Keith Kenton, er…Kenton Keith has moved on to greener pastures. Mr. Robbie traded him a few weeks ago to the Straw Hat Brigade for Kenny Watson. Keith did well for the Records, however, and this ended up being a pretty good trade despite the fact that the Records’ receiving “core” is still struggling.

Of course, there have been a lot of other great deals that have certainly shaken up the league. Are managers aware that the trading deadline is on November 15, 2007 at 11:59pm? The Recap predicts that there will be at least 14 trades between the Monkey and the Boats before that date and that Mr. Robbie will trade Chris Chambers away for a bag of circus peanuts.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

KIMBO SLICE (151.75) @ Jake Long’s Cock (146.5)

If you need a win, and it don’t look good, who ya gonna call? Jake Long’s Cock! Hopefully you just sang that out loud to the Ghostbuster’s theme song. The Commish and his Cock continued their descent into putridity, extending their losing streak to 5 games. The Slice had a better-than-decent week, with Mark Bulger throwing for 310 yards and a touchdown, Lee Evans going for 138 yards and a touchdown, and Vernon Davis returning from fantasy Bolivia to catch 6 passes and a touchdown. Manager Evan Herring, fresh off his 21st, will now get to legally pop the cork on his victory champagne for the first time after his drubbing last week at the hands of the Records. For the Commish, it’s back to the drawing board. This loss was actually worse than it looks as the Cock was only raised with the double-bubble points scored by Brett Favre and Greg Jennings on their overtime hookup. The big problem for the Cock is its lack of depth at running back, and the Commish sought to rectify that this week by trading rookie phenom Calvin Johnson to the Sundaes for Fred Taylor. This may be enough to put the Cock back on the winning track. Fortunately for the Commish, his team plays in the god awful Amber Division and even at 2-4, the Cock is only 2 games out of first.

EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (137.25) @ Gangstalicious Resurection (103.5)

In the words of Borat, this game was booreeng. Once again, the Guerrillas and team manager Eriq Keentsull got lucky, stealing a win while scoring a measly 137 points. Antonia Gates had a monster game and Willie Parker went for 100+ and a touchdown. The rest of the Guerrillas lineup was a yawner, especially the Giants D/ST who couldn’t amass more than 15 points against the lowly Dolphins. The Guerrillas are still tied for first in the Nut Brown Division, but it ain’t looking good. For the Gs, it was another disheartening loss. With Edge and LJ on byes, the Gs had to start Jamal Lewis coming off injury and Chargers backup Michael Turner. It actually looked like it might turn out ok when the Chargers went up big in the first have. Unfortunately, Turner still finished with just 4 carries. To make matters worse, Andre Davis and Lavnesersifsjsjus Coles left their respective games due to injury after each making only one catch. Reggie Wayne’s tremendous game and Philip Rivers three touchdown passes weren’t enough to salvage the week for the Gs, but at least they broke the 100 total point mark. Like Jake Long’s Cock, the Gs are in the Amber Division and still only sit 2 games out of first with a 2-6 record. The Recap still predicts a late season push by the Gs (but hopefully not until after Week 9).

Sweet Tangy Limes (103.75) @ PONTOON BOATS (143)

This was a disappointing performance from the Limes, who were certainly not sweet, nor were they tangy. Manager Rickles Gittles is going to have to make a move to get a more reliable quarterback, because Eli Manning looked like his normal Douche LaRouche self on the international stage in London. Gittles will also need Marvin Harrison to rebound from injury because Marty Booker just isn’t going to cut it. Don’t even get the Recap started on Shaun Alexander. At least Gittles picked up a nice -3 Wii Golf win at the League Conference for Recreational Activities this past weekend. Surprisingly, the Limes have been all but absent from the trade front despite a squad that clearly needs some improvement. In complete contrast, the Boats and the Schmitter have been all over the trade block and their squad barely resembles what they started with on draft day. The Boats’ running back situation still looks bad, and it sure looks like the Steven Jackson for Frank Gore trade is going to come back to haunt them. But, at least for a week, the Schmitter’s lineup was able to find a way to win. Even though he is black and thus faces more pressure, Donovan McNabb came through with a nice game against the Vikings and (as much as it pains the Recap to say this) Marques Colston had a ginormous week, scoring three touchdowns. The Recap, meanwhile, hopes that Colston catches a mean case of crabs or the clap from some nasty asian stripper at Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club on Bourbon Street (not that the Recap has ever been there or anything). The Pontoon Boats are desperately trying to crawl out of last place in the Oatmeal Stout division. Maybe the Schmitter should try not leaving Kevin Jones and his 23.75 points on the bench…oh wait, he traded Kevin Jones away for quarters on the dollar this week.

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (176) @ The Rape Stand (105.75)

The Sundaes are for real my friends. They now lead the league in total points scored and are second in the power rankings despite only a 4-4 record. You just cannot stop Thomas Brady. Not only are his passes as potent as his jism, but he also ran for two touchdowns this week. Team manager Mike “Wario” Hartman was quite pleased with Thomas Jones’s 104 total yards and the 6 catches, 59 yards, and touchdown the Sundaes got from tightend Gred Olsen. The Sundaes also got great games from Tory Holt and the Titans D/ST and ended up scoring the second highest total amount of points for the week. The Sundaes will need to pick up a big win against the Gs to move up in the very competitive Oatmeal Stout Division. League Intern and manager of the Rapists, Paul Kennedy, really can’t be blamed for his team being trounced. Half his team was on byes, he was forced to start Ladell Betts, Arnaz Battle, and Dennis Northcutt, and Tony Romo got a lapdance from Britney Spears last week likely leading to a scorching case of herpes between Week 10 and 11 (wow…two VD references in the Recap already). The Rapists (6-2, #1 in the Nut Brown Division, #1 in the power rankings) will look to rebound next week but can’t be happy about the patchouli stink invading their first-place air.

Soul-Ja Boi Records (88.75) @ DANGER MONKEY (109)

It is really starting to amaze the league at how up-and-down the Records are. One week they are throwing up 150 and annihilating the competition; the next week, they can’t even break the 100-point mark. The Recap has been tormenting Mr. Robbie and the Records about their receiving “core” but let’s take a look for a moment at their running back “core.” Mr. Robbie’s only starting RBs are Warrick Dunn (awful and about to lose his job to Jerious Norwood) and Rudi Johnson (a nagging hamstring injury that isn’t going away). He also has Kenny Watson who has been serviceable but will lose carries once Rudi Johnson comes back and Chicago’s Adrian Peterson (the blagh of all blaghs). Not looking good my man. Hey, at least Roydell Williams chipped in this week with a catch and 3 yards. Sethadiah Pruss and the Danger Monkey stole a win, scoring only 109 points and remaining in first place in the Oatmeal Stout Division. There weren’t many bright spots for the Monkey except for Brandon Jacobs 137 total yards. Perhaps Pruss, the Chairman of the League Rules Committee, needs to spend less time locked away in his room drafting the league constitution and bidding on championship trophies on eBay. Perhaps…but the Recap doesn’t really want to live in a league where at least one member isn’t consumed with finding the most perfect 1972 Canadian curling championship trophy that he can find.

THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (192.75) @ Your Mom’s Balls (106)

Your Mom’s Balls had been making a nice run, but the HIV easily shrunk those Balls with their 192.75 point performance. Drew Brees showed us that he is back to form, throwing for 300+ and four touchdowns. Then Joe Addai had to go and put up 109 total yards and three touchdowns. Oh and don’t forget Lendale White’s 133 rushing yards. Wait, what? Oh right, Braylon Edwards also managed to catch 8 passes for 117 yards and two touchdowns. Overshadowed in this impressive display of fantasy prowess? Randy Moss, who only had 47 yards and a touchdown. Jon “Johnny HIV” Ades has a scary squad and it is not out of the question that the Brigade can put up these numbers (or close to them) every week. But what about those Balls? For starters, Ahman Green was benched at the last minute and thus, put up the goose egg for the Balls (not that MJD would have helped). Peyton had a good, but not Peyton-esque performance. The Broncos D/ST is also not looking all that stellar these days. The Balls look to be in trouble at running back, only carrying Green (oft-injured), Pocket Hercules, and Earnest Graham (a Florida Gator, but still…) on the roster. The problems at running back combined with the 0-3 start this season might prevent the Balls from rising any higher than 3rd place in the Nut Brown Division this year. There are also growing concerns that someone has kidnapped team manager Jeremy Gilman. “I’m on it,” Commissioner Matlin said earlier this week. “Ades is taking his yacht out to search the ocean; Mr. Robbie is scouting the local McDonalds; my dog Otis is rummaging around in the trash back in the alley. We will find him damnit.” The Recap’s guess? Guerrillas manager Keentsull chopped up Gilman to fertilize his mushroom farm. We’ll report on this more next week.

NEWS & NOTES

The best division? Clearly it’s the smooth, creamy, euphoric Oatmeal Stout. Teams in the division own the #2 (Sundaes), #3 (Brigade), and #4 (Monkey) spots in the Power Rankings. Even the lowly Pontoon Boats are still #7 in the Power Rankings. This is especially intriguing considering the recent league vote to keep continuity in the divisions from year to year. The Recap smells rough rivalries for years to come.

The worst division? Clearly it’s the light-bodied, watery, soulless Amber. The first place Sweet Tangy Limes are only 4-4. Second-place Soul-Ja Boi Records are 3-5 and, considering the way this year has been going, there is no way they are going to finish better than 6-8. The Cock and the Gs are a combined 4-12. All four teams combined have gotten only 5 wins against the other divisions (Oatmeal Stout has gotten 13). It wouldn’t be a shock to see the winner of the Amber Division finish with a sub-.500 record.

In more uplifting news, there were a lot of new developments in the league this week. The quest began to find a championship trophy worthy of crowning the LRFL winner, and we are currently taking name suggestions (there have been none to date). It also seems that the end-of-the-season party is coming together. The Commish has offered up his New Haven palace sometime in early January where fellow team managers will be treated to great pizza and less-than-great homeless people. Team managers, please let the Commish know if any of the proposed dates work for you so we can get this baby rolling. At the party, the championship trophy will be presented and, if the lottery rule passes, we may conduct the lottery at the festivities. We will also drink a lot of beer, play video games, eat beef jerky, hit each other in the balls, shave Drago’s head, and possibly pursue some illicit recreational activities (like cutting off mattress tags).

Finally, just a reminder to the managers: PLEASE VOTE ON ALL THE LEAGUE POLLS. Some have been really close and require all 12 teams to vote. We really want to get the constitution drawn up before the end-of-the-season party so that we can all sign it in our blood.

That’s it for this week. Please forward all Miis, queso, baby eel videos, coupons for Britney Spears lapdances, and tennis shoes to League Intern Paul Kennedy.

COMEDY/TRAGEDY: Week 8

Thanks to a number of crippling bye weeks this weekend, there wasn't a single coaching decision that would have changed the outcome of a game. The true comedy/tragedy of the weekend (pointed out by the manager himself) was that despite gross mismanagement of Danger Monkey's personnel, the Monkey still pulled out a victory. Seth Pruss, distracted by the drafting of a constitution just as our forefathers were, made the wrong decision at quarterback, and a pair of wide receiver slots, and still made Soul-Ja Boi Records his bitch.

Speaking of bye weeks, we here at The Blog believe (without doing any research whatsoever) that Week 8 marked the first time this season that a team had zero points on the bench due to inactivity. Both The Sweet Tangy Limes and The Rape Stand struggled to put a full team on the field, and suffered predictable losses.

It's bad enough that six teams were off on bye this week and that alone sent owners scurrying for replacement players. But the week served up 14 NFL teams that only scored one touchdown in the entire game. Of 24 teams which played on Sunday, only ten managed to have more than one touchdown. Thirteen teams only had 13 points or less. Unless you had Lee Evans, Marques Colston, Braylon Edwards, Reggie Wayne, Antonio Gates, Joseph Addai, Brian Westbrook, Tom Brady, Derek Anderson or Drew Brees, you probably did not have much for a score this week.

This week, with all the low scores, there are just too many candidates for La Resistance Player of the Weak, with Plaxico Burress, Steve Smith, Ladell Betts, and Desmond Clark all receiving votes.

On to the lineups, with the Comedies especially thin at the wide receiver position. Comedy players were on their respective benches, while Tragedies hurt more than they helped in the starting lineup...

COMEDY
QB: Derek Anderson, Danger Monkey, 36.75 pts.
RB: Jesse Chatman, Kimbo Slice, 16.5 pts.
RB: Selvin Young, The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes, 18.5 pts.
WR: Santana Moss, Pontoon Boats, 7.0 pts.
WR: James Jones, Danger Monkey, 20.5 pts.
WR: Shaun MacDonald, Danger Monkey, 9.0 pts.
DST: Chargers, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 34.0 pts.

TRAGEDY:
QB: Eli Manning, Sweet Tangy Limes, 11.25 pts.
RB: Ladell Betts, The Rape Stand, 0.75 pts.
RB: Rueben Droughns, Jake Long's Cock, 4.0 pts.
WR: Steve Smith, Pontoon Boats, 2.0 pts.
WR: Laverneus Coles, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 1.5 pts.
WR: Plaxico Burress, Danger Monkey, 2.0 pts.
TE: Desmond Clark, Danger Monkey, 1.5 pts.
DST: Vikings, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 10.0 pts.

Week Seven Recap

Week Seven Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.
http://laresistancefootballleague.blogspot.com/

The Commish goes down! Or should I say, Jake Long’s Cock goes down! (Drago, that is the correct way to spell it…moron). Things were finally settled between Commissioner Nate “Smokey” Matlin and his previously named team, Yosarrian Lives, and Evan “Schmitter” Schmitt’s Pontoon Boats. The Boats took a narrow 3-point victory, with friendship and pride on the line. There was a minor controversy regarding the win and a suspect safety, but luckily Sethadiah Pruss, Chairman of the Rules Committee, stepped in and declared the Boats the victor. The Commish immediately manned up and changed his team name as promised. On the other side, Schmitt lifted his self-imposed media blackout in a less-than-triumphant manner. Here is the transcript from his “press-conference”:

“Listen...it's my job to coach the team so I'll coach the players I'm given. It's my job to make sure they are prepared for Sunday, I let the front office worry about who we put on the field. Right now I have to figure out how to beat the limes. Now, as far as the limes stealing play calls I'm not going to get into that. There is a commisioner of this league and I'll let him police it, right now I'm just focused on football.”

The other league managers were slightly confused by the ad-hoc press release and ultimately concluded that it was written by a four-year-old rhinoceros with down-syndrome named Pokey (see picture above right). Here at the Recap, we have some advice for the Boats: never, under any circumstances, take media relations advice from League Intern Paul Kennedy. Hopefully, Schmitt can right the Boats’ ship before his media campaign spins completely out of control…oh, wait…nevermind.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

Jake Long’s Cock (previously Yosarrian Lives) (112.5) @ PONTOON BOATS (115.25)

We might as well start with the big game this week. In truth, it was a bit of a yawner. Neither team topped the 120 total point mark and in my favorite bit of trivia this week, every other team in the league would have beaten BOTH the Cock and the Boats this week except for Kimbo Slice (shat of the week?). The Commish’s Cock is now hanging on by a thread at 2-5. He’s getting nothing out of Lawrence Maroney and the only other options on his bench at running back are the other Patriot ball-carriers. Chris Cooley catching one pass for 3 yards also isn’t going to cut it. Though the Boats are still afloat at 3-4, the Schmitter finds himself in a very tough Oatmeal Stout Division and the team has scored the second-fewest total points in the league. The Schmitter has now resorted to making panic moves, trading Jerricho Cotchery, who has been on fire, for Marques Colston, the early winner of fantasy-bust-of-the-year in the WR division. A quick look at the stats shows that Cotchery has caught nearly twice as many passes for twice as many yards as Colston. The Schmitter has also been trying unsuccessfully to trade Kevin Jones away, despite the fact that he easily outperformed both Frank Gore and Cedric Benson last week and most (if not all) fantasy analysts predict a big second-half of the season for Mr. Jones. “The Boats only want to sign the big names,” Commissioner Matlin said, “but who’s going to handle all those egos? Certainly not that Lurch-looking lanky-ass bitch.” Well said. Here at the Recap, we suggest that the Boats might want to look into a Co-Manager for next year.

El Che y los Guerrilleros (133.5) @ THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (162.75)

After the immensely disappointing loss to the Limes last week, the Sundaes responded valiantly and took the ugly stick to the Guerrillas. The Sundaes got the win despite getting no touchdowns from any of its wide receivers or running backs. Once again, third-round pick Tom Brady saved the day throwing for 350+ and six touchdowns. Kudos to Sundaes’ manager Mike Hartman for not panicking on Seattle’s DST after two awful performances. The Seahawks got their magic back, allowing only 6 points, forcing 5 turnovers, recording 7 sacks, and scoring a 91-yard kick return touchdown. Booyah! The Sundaes are now third in the power-rankings despite a 3-4 record and seem to be in the rise. On the other side of things, the luck finally ran out for the Guerrillas and team manager Eriq Keentsull. As you will all recall, Keentsull was complaining last week after the Guerrillas were not included in a discussion of the league’s best teams. Funny how these things work themselves out. The Recap was amazed to learn this week that the Guerrillas are currently carrying only one quarterback on their roster: Damon Huard. Wow…seriously? Huard couldn’t take the pressure this week, putting up only 12.5 points. Santonio Holmes (quickly becoming a favorite of the Recap) and Terrell Owens each caught a touchdown but there was no way the Guerrillas were getting out of the Huard hole. The Guerrillas fell to 5-2, second place in the Nut Brown Division. We’re pretty sure Keentsull feels Your Mom’s Balls on the back of his neck.

SOUL-JA BOI RECORDS (152) @ Kimbo Slice (110.25)

The Records inconsistency is starting to become predictably consistent. No doubt we just blew team manager Robert Winchester Frederickson V’s mind. What the Recap means is that it’s reasonably assured that the Records will follow up every dismal showing with a strong performance, and vice versa. After getting stomped last week, the Records spun their way to a win and 152 total points. Though we miss Keith Kenton (aka Kenton Keith) on Mr. Robbie’s roster, he’s found another backup running back to carry him to victory. Yes, Kenny Watson shocked the fantasy world this week when he ran for 130 yards and three touchdowns (45.25 total points). Unfortunately for the Records, Carson Palmer has not played like the 15th-overall pick should. And, despite what Mr. Robbie says, his receiver “core” is still pure crap. If anyone thinks Kevin Walter’s day was any more than a fluke is sorely mistaken. For Kimbo Slice, there isn’t much left to say. There doesn’t seem to be any answer at quarterback or DST and at 1-6, it may be time to start thinking about next year.

Sweet Tangy Limes (117.25) @ THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (131.25)

Rickles Gittles needs to hit the panic button. Shaun Alexander is getting worse every week and it is starting to cost the Limes some sweet, tangy victories. Alexander could muster only 47 yards on 19 carries, and unless Adrian Peterson performs every week like he did in week 6, the Limes are going to be in some serious trouble. Eli Manning is still not playing well enough at quarterback and let’s fact it, he looks like a huge douche. Fortunately for Gittles, the Limes are in the absolutely putrid Amber Division, where 4-3 is good enough for first place. The Brigade continues to hang tough in the Oatmeal Stout Division, holding on to second-place with the win. Besides Randy Moss once again acting like a super-duper star, the Brigade’s lineup was fairly quiet, though Drew Brees is returning to consistent form and threw for 200+ and a pair of touchdowns. The big question for the Brigade is at running back. It was announced this week that Joe Addai would be sharing carries with Keith Kenton-Kenton Keith and Lamont Jordan hasn’t been the same as he was at the start of the season. Not to worry, however…manager Jon “Drug-Sniffing Dogs?” Ades’s brilliant move to get Lendale White should be paying dividends for the rest of the season. Anyway, it will be interesting to see if any bad blood remains between Gittles and Ades at the First Annual LRFL Conference on Recreational Activities, which convenes this weekend in Washington D.C. Hopefully things will have cooled off, but fellow attendants Mike Hartman and Sethadiah Pruss are ready with their tasers bro.

The Gangstalicious Resurection (160.5) @ YOUR MOM’S BALLS (169.25)

Those Balls are getting hot. That makes four-in-a-row for the Balls who also scored the highest point total for the week. Once again, the Patriots’ offense really helped the Balls out as Donte Stallworth and super white-boy Wes Welker went for a combined 189 yards and three touchdowns. The Patriots WRs, a decent day from Peyton, and a huge yardage day from Earnest Graham were enough, even with a goose-egg from Pat Crayton. The only question: where in the hell has team manager Jeremy Gilman been? The league has only heard from the reclusive manager once this year and league managers are starting to get worried that something is afoot. If the Recap had just won four straight games, we would certainly be proclaiming that our testicles were of larger girth and roundness than those of other managers. Hopefully Gilman will chime in soon or the Commish may have to send out a search party. The Resurection fell to 2-5 and retain a share of last place in the Amber Division. The team put up a nice point total this week, getting great games from Lavernersnreseus Coles, Andre Davis, and Reggie Wayne (Mr. Robbie, that is an example of a good receiving “core”). In fact, everything was pretty good for the Resurection except at quarterback where Matt Schaub left with an injury after throwing only 5 passes. It’s been that kind of year for the Resurection. The Recap still predicts a Balls-like run for the team at some point this season.

THE RAPE STAND (148.25) @ Danger Monkey (126.75)

This was supposed to be a game between powerhouses, but neither team lived up to the hype. The now 5-2 Danger Monkey didn’t get a whole lot from star receivers Plax Burress and Roy Williams. Most importantly, team manager Sethadiah Pruss must be wondering if Jon Kitna did something to piss off Jesus Christ, because he no longer appears to be willing Kitna to lights-out fantasy performances. The Rapists had a solid, if ho-hum day. No great performances outside of Heath Miller, but several good ones. Of course, the big news was Ronnie Brown’s season-ending knee injury. The 13th overall selection is currently leading the LRFL in total points among running backs, but that will now come to a screeching halt. The Recap doubts that Ladell Betts or Julius Jones can fill the jockstrap of Brown, so the Rapists may be in some trouble. Next week the Rapists get the surging Sundaes, and because of bye-weeks, team manager Paul Kennedy will have to trot out a less-than-stellar squad. On top of everything, Kennedy still hasn’t gotten the clue that the rest of the league thinks his weekly press conferences are pointless and getting in the way of all the other ingenious material on the league’s news website.

NEWS & NOTES

Not a whole lot to discuss this week. For starters, team managers PLEASE GO TO THE LEAGUE WEBSITE AND VOTE ON THE RULES POLLS. We need to get everything in shape so that the league’s legal counsel can begin drafting up all the paperwork.

Second, the Recap wishes a very happy 21st birthday to Kimbo Slice manager Evan Herring. We asked the Records to throw the game this past week, but Mr. Robbie can be a cock-smoker sometimes.

Third, if you want to know why the Commish’s former league (and current league for teams owned by Hartman, Pruss, Rickles, Ades, and Herring) sucks, just check out what the Commish of that league has been spending all his time on: http://www.heavy.com/video/28327#/channel/133525

That should cover it…again, team managers, please go to the league website and vote on the rule polls. Until next week, please forward any Tom Brady fatheads, sourpatch kids, karate headbands, and Kenny Loggins bootlegs to League Intern Paul Kennedy.