Week Nine Recap

Week Nine Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

http://laresistancefootballleague.blogspot.com/

Last week the LRFL Winnebago took a left turn and haphazardly ended up in Trade City. What the Recap didn’t know then was that the Winnebago blew a few tires and there wasn’t enough money left in the league budget for any repairs. Alas, the LRFL is stranded in that dark, nefarious city where fantasy teams go to die. Let the Recap tell you about Trade City. It is a truly desolate place. Managers hear the call of a possibly season-saving trade, but much like Homer’s Sirens, the “season-saving trade” is a ruse (a.k.a. a cunning attempt to trick you). Such a trade is more likely to be the downfall of a team than its saving grace. Nevertheless, team managers in LRFL can’t seem to help themselves, and it seems like we’ve seen more trades in the last few days than during the whole season.

Of course, Danger Monkey has found itself back in the mix. The way other managers trade with Danger Monkey manager Sethadiah Pruss, you’d think he’s been giving out free handjobs all season long (note: league intern Paul Kennedy is currently investigating whether Pruss is, in fact, giving out a free handjob with each trade). This week Danger Monkey traded Derek Anderson, Donald Driver, and Kevin Jones to Your Mom’s Balls for Peyton Manning and Wes Welker. It’s probably too early to predict the impact of this trade other than that it’s going to give the Brownie Kaboom Sundaes the ‘ole screwjob this week when they face the previously-drained Balls. The Recap also guesses that the Balls are probably going to get some bad karma for trading away such a super whiteboy receiver like Welker. It’s also interesting to consider that Donald Driver and Kevin Jones were both acquired initially from the Pontoon Boats…if only the Schmitter would have known that he could have turned those slackers into Peyton and Welker.

Also mired in Trade City this past week was Commissioner Matlin, who has apparently thrown in the towel on his fantasy 2007. Jake Long’s Cock traded away prime assets Greg Jennings and Laurence Maroney for 2008 draft picks. “The Cock is completely deflated,” the Commish said. “The Cock needs to get itself up and running for next year.” Rumor has it that more of this type of trade will be emerging from the demented mind of the Commish. The trades will certainly prove a challenge for the LRFL Legal Committee as they present some serious keeper and pick forfeiting implications.

Finally, an old visitor to Trade City, Robert “Mr. Robbie” Chesterton Huntington Frederickson IV, made a triumphant return this week. Soul-Ja Boi Records sent Ben “5 touchdowns on MNF” Reotheresilajdfsburger to El Che y Los Guerilleros for father-of-the-year candidate Travis Henry. Henry has nagging rib and leg injuries, can’t lay off the sticky icky, and might be suspended in a few weeks…but we’re sure he’ll carry the Records to the playoffs.

With one week to go before the trade deadline, what crazy trades will the LRFL managers come up with? Are more draft picks going to go?? Will either Danger Monkey or the Pontoon Boats finish the season with any of the same players they started out the season with??? We shall see!

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

KIMBO SLICE (155.5) @ The Pontoon Boats (130.75)

Though they are probably irreparably relegated to the basement of the Nut Brown Division this season, no one can say that Kimbo Slice lacks heart. Slice and team manager Evan Herring picked up their second straight win this week and put up a decent 155.5 score. Slice was especially strong at running back with Reggie Bush’s 115 total yard, two touchdown game and Clinton Portis’s monster week against the Jets where he went for nearly 200 yards and a score. Lee Evans, given to Slice as a gift from the Records early in the season, had his third consecutive big game going for 9 catches, 165 yards, and a touchdown. The Pontoon Boats dropped an important game and one that should have been a gimme. Team manager Evan “The Schmitter” Schmidt’s wheeling and dealing has left the team thin at running back. This week, the Boats went with MBIII and…Maurice Hicks? Jeez. Hicks at least scored a touchdown but, otherwise, he didn’t do much. To think, the Boats could have a running back “core” right now of Stephen Jackson, Kevin Jones, and Ced Benson. Instead, they have Marion Barber, Ced Benson, and the San Fran back du jour. Also crippling the Boats this week was the Jaguars D/ST who allowed 35 points and would have put up even less than the 9 points they scored if it wasn’t for their kick return for a touchdown (if you recall, the Boats previously traded away the Pats D/ST to get the Jags D/ST back in return). As a result, the Boats are now in the cellar of the Oatmeal Stout Division and in the bottom half of the power rankings. Interestingly, post-game, Slice and the Boats swapped quarterbacks (McNabb to Slice; Bulger to Boats). Why the Boats would trade straight up to get an injured quarterback playing on a winless team is beyond the Recap’s comprehension.

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (128.5) @ Gangstalicious Resurection (94.5)

The Sundaes and manager Mike “Ghost Pirates” Hartman knew they were in for a tough week. Fantasy superduper star Tom Brady was playing against the Colts and the Sundaes were without #1 wide receiver Tory Holt. The Sundaes also received tough news this week that Chris Henry, who looked like an ingenious waiver wire pickup, is facing a four game suspension. Fortunately for the Sundaes, Brady, LT, and the Titans D/ST did just enough to take the team to victory and above the .500 mark for the first time this year. In his post-game press conference, Hartman didn’t have much to say. “We were lucky to win…I just hope I don’t have to start a guy named Roddy for too many more games.” On the other side of the ball, the Gs lost another one, this week failing to break the 100-total point mark. Phillip Rivers was horrible, despite an easy matchup, Edge finished with a measley 15 yards, and the Charges D/ST had 35 points scored against them. The Gs left Jamal Lewis on the bench where he promptly scored four touchdowns. On top of everything, LJ went down with a bad foot sprain and may be out of commission for a while. It’s just been that kind of season. The Gs now sit in dead last in the Amber Division and in the Power Rankings. It may be time to start dealing some draft picks my friends.

EL CHE y LOS GUERRILEROS (174.25) @ Danger Monkey (122.25)

The Guerrillas only know how to do one thing: win. Four teams have outscored the Guerrillas in total points this year but they are still tied for the best record in the league. The Guerrillas and manager Eriq Keentsull had an impressive outing scoring nearly 175 points mostly on the backs of rookie Marshwn Lynch (160 total yards, a rushing TD, and a passing TD) and Terell Owens (10 catches, 174 yards, and a touchdown). The scary part is that the Guerrillas would have won even without Lynch and their total score would have been even higher if Keentsull had started the newly acquired Ben Roethhsieajldfaburger over J.P. Losman and Santonio Holmes over Antwaan Randle El. The Guerrillas are tied for first place in the Nut Brown Division, where the Rapists seem to have a strangle hold on first place. That Week 13 matchup is going to be innnnnnnsane. On the flip side of things, the loss for Danger Monkey actually sent them back into a tie for first place in the Oatmeal Stout Division with the Brigade. Though the Monkey defeated the Brigade earlier in the season, the Brigade has the points lead. Those teams will face off right before the playoffs in Week 14. Wowsers! Kablammo! Perhaps Peyton Manning and Wes Welker will spark the Monkey back into its winning ways, but Sethadiah Pruss is going to be in some real trouble if Steven Jackson or Brandon Jacobs get banged up again.

THE SWEET TANGY LIMES (154) @ Your Mom’s Balls (128.5)

This game really only needs a two-word explanation: Adrian Peterson. Peterson’s 315 toal yards and three touchdowns were good for 68 points, nearly 45% of the Limes’ total score for the week. With that kind of day, the Limes still got the win despite 7.5 points from Kurt Warner and 7 points from Shaun Alexander. Kellen Winslow added a nice day, and it sure looks like those Limes are back to being truly sweet and most definitely tangy. Peterson is now looking like the steal of the draft, confirming manager Rickles Gittles’ status of the LRFL’s mad scientist. The Limes also now have a comfortable first place lead in the Amber Division. On the other hand, Your Mom’s Balls are smelling fishy. After an impressive run, the Balls have dropped two in-a-row and just made a panic trade, sending #1 pick Peyton Manning off to greener pastures. Manager Jeremy “Where’s Waldo?” Gilman can’t expect many more 125 yard and a touchdown games from Earnest Graham, and a running back “core” of Ahman Green, Kevin Jones, and MJD may not be enough to compensate for the drop at quarterback. It doesn’t even really matter though since the Recap isn’t actually sure if Gilman is still alive or if his kidnapper is allowing him to watch football this season. So far, Captain Ades’ search of the Atlantic hasn’t turned up any clues.

Soul-Ja Boi Records (94) @ THE RAPE STANDS (184.75)

Mr. Robbie and the Records finally broke their Jekyll and Hyde ways. Yes indeedy, they’ve finally managed to throw up two consecutive stinkers. For the second week in a row, Mr. Robbie’s team failed to break the 100-point mark. It’s actually amazing that the Records failed to break the 100-point mark considering they got 38.25 points form Carson Palmer alone. So how did they do it? The newly acquired Travis Henry put up 44 total yards and now TDs. The Records’ receiving “core” of Bowe, Chambers, and Walter, combined for 8 total catches and 92 total yards. The Ravens D/ST allowed 38 points and forced only one turnover. The team is now second-to-last in the power rankings. Yes, the Records suck. The Rapists, on the other hand, most definitely do not. A week after losing to the Sundaes, the Rapists responded nicely and managed to retain a share of first place in their division. Everyone in the lineup contributed strongly, but the biggest surprise came from Bobby Engram who caught a whopping 14 passes for 139 yards and a touchdown. “Most people I have met named Bobby are huge d-bags,” manager Paul Kennedy said. “Bobby Barnett, Justin Bobby from the Hills…they are all huge douches. But Bobby Engram…that boy good.” The Rapists have to do something at running back, where they are still reeling from the loss of Ronnie Brown. But, the Rapists also have Andre Johnson returning soon from injury. Will the Rapists continue their rapey goodness? They certainly will face a very tough challenge in Week 10 against the Brigade.

THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (221.5) @ Jake Long’s Cock (156.25)

Speaking of the Brigade, they had a huge win this week, taking the weekly honors for total points scored and moving into a tie for first place in the Oatmeal Stout Division. Drew Brees has really started to come on, and helped Brigade manager Jon “Jonny T-Cells” Ades this week with a 445 yard, three touchdown monster of a game. As good as Brees was, Joseph Addai was an absolute juggernaut, totaling 226 total yards and scoring a touchdown. Ades also got another 100 yard and a touchdown performance from LenDale White (whom the Sundaes sorely miss) and a typical 9 catch, 145 yards, and a touchdown game from Randy Moss. Even the Packers D/ST chipped in this week with 26 points. Who will find the cure for Ades??? Someone better, because we have a full-scale epidemic on our hands here. As already noted above, the Cock has thrown in the towel on this season. At 2-7, there isn’t much playoff hope for the Commish, and it seems like no matter what team the Cock plays, that team always has their best game of the season. Few can blame the Commish; despite the awful record, the Cock is still firm at 7th in the power rankings. The Cock has the 4th toughest schedule in the league and the injury bug (Maroney, Boldin, etc.) hasn’t helped. As a result, the Commish has decided to let the fire sale begin is going to concentrate for the rest of the year on designing matching tanktops for all the team managers to wear at the end-of-the season gala.

NEWS & NOTES

If you were paying attention to the above, you would have noticed that only one home team won this week (the Rapists, making the Records the only losing visiting team). The Recap is pretty sure that’s the only time it’s been close to a sweep for the visiting (or home) teams. Not much to say about that, but pretty interesting.

More interesting is this: the championship trophy has been purchased. As you can see in the picture above, it is a nice little specimen, about eight inches high with a scary-looking German Shephard on top. Now that you have all seen the trophy, it may be easier to come up with some names. Please send all suggestions to Sethadiah Pruss, Chairman of the Rules Committee.

Finally, it has been officially decided that division names for next year will be South Park references. Each division is responsible for coming up with its own name, so please don’t make it stupid (Nut Brown Division, we’re looking in your direction). Let’s try to have this wrapped up by next week.

Just in case you missed it: http://www.rocketvid.com/ (not safe for work!)

That’s it for now. Please send all Sexy Joe videos, Chef Boyardee raviolis, shrimp and scallion dumplings, and reservations for Super Smash Bros. Brawl to League Intern Paul Kennedy.