Week Eight Recap

Week Eight Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

http://laresistancefootballleague.blogspot.com/

Do you know where you are? You’re in Trade City baby! Already this year, we’ve had fourteen, count them, fourteen trades in the La Resistance Football League. It seems like nearly 159 different players have changed hands, and team managers have revealed their fantasy genius, or lack thereof, with their crafty moves. Here are a few of the Recap’s favorites so far:

Trade: 9/21; Kimbo Slice trades DeShawn Wynn to Soul-Ja Boi Records for Lee Evans.

Wha Happened? This was the first trade of the year, and from its appearance, it looks to be the first trade that Records’ manager Robert Winchester “Mr. Robbie” Frederickson V has been involved in during his short, though glorious, life. Much like his first espresso and first taste of prosciutto, the idea of Mr. Robbie’s first trade seemed to blow his mind.

Where are they now? DeShawn Wynn was immediately relegated to the Packers’ bench and almost as quickly dropped from the Records roster five days after the trade. Meanwhile, Evans, a pre-draft top 10 receiver, is starting to turn around his season, catching 10 passes for 236 yards and a touchdown over the last two games.

Trade: 9/26; Danger Monkey trades Jerricho Cotchery and the Jaguars D/ST to the Pontoon Boats for Shaun McDonald and the Patriots D/ST.

Wha Happened? The trade itself wasn’t all that exciting but it represents the seemingly endless trades between the Monkey and the Boats. Both teams have been involved in 6 different trades in the LRFL this year. It was speculated that the teams both had a red phone, directly connecting them to each other, but the Recap has now discovered that Boats manager Evan “The Schmitter” Schmitt and Monkey manager Sethadiah Pruss had microchips implanted in their brains so that they could complete their trades instantaneously.

Where are they now? The Patriots are the number one D/ST, while the Jaguars D/ST is 11th. Cotchery is having a decent season, though he scored his lone touchdown this year on a hail mary. McDonald has less catches and yards than Cotchery, but has caught three touchdowns. Most importantly, the Boats turned Cotchery into Marques Colston via trade with the Sundaes, and Colston responded well to the change of scenery. Though this specific trade might turn out to be a draw, the rest of the league thinks it’s probably time for the Schmitter to take his finger off the button.

Trade: 10/4; Soul-Ja Boi Records trades Ahman Green and Amani Toomer to Your Mom’s Balls for Warrick Dunn and Kenton Keith.

Wha Happened? Mr. Robbie got back into the swing of things, trading one of his few performing wide receivers and a crappy running back for another crappy running back and one Mr. Kenton Keith. The Recap loves this trade simply because it led to Mr. Robbie referring to the Colts’ backup as Keith Kenton. Classic.

Where are they now? Sadly, Keith Kenton, er…Kenton Keith has moved on to greener pastures. Mr. Robbie traded him a few weeks ago to the Straw Hat Brigade for Kenny Watson. Keith did well for the Records, however, and this ended up being a pretty good trade despite the fact that the Records’ receiving “core” is still struggling.

Of course, there have been a lot of other great deals that have certainly shaken up the league. Are managers aware that the trading deadline is on November 15, 2007 at 11:59pm? The Recap predicts that there will be at least 14 trades between the Monkey and the Boats before that date and that Mr. Robbie will trade Chris Chambers away for a bag of circus peanuts.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

KIMBO SLICE (151.75) @ Jake Long’s Cock (146.5)

If you need a win, and it don’t look good, who ya gonna call? Jake Long’s Cock! Hopefully you just sang that out loud to the Ghostbuster’s theme song. The Commish and his Cock continued their descent into putridity, extending their losing streak to 5 games. The Slice had a better-than-decent week, with Mark Bulger throwing for 310 yards and a touchdown, Lee Evans going for 138 yards and a touchdown, and Vernon Davis returning from fantasy Bolivia to catch 6 passes and a touchdown. Manager Evan Herring, fresh off his 21st, will now get to legally pop the cork on his victory champagne for the first time after his drubbing last week at the hands of the Records. For the Commish, it’s back to the drawing board. This loss was actually worse than it looks as the Cock was only raised with the double-bubble points scored by Brett Favre and Greg Jennings on their overtime hookup. The big problem for the Cock is its lack of depth at running back, and the Commish sought to rectify that this week by trading rookie phenom Calvin Johnson to the Sundaes for Fred Taylor. This may be enough to put the Cock back on the winning track. Fortunately for the Commish, his team plays in the god awful Amber Division and even at 2-4, the Cock is only 2 games out of first.

EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (137.25) @ Gangstalicious Resurection (103.5)

In the words of Borat, this game was booreeng. Once again, the Guerrillas and team manager Eriq Keentsull got lucky, stealing a win while scoring a measly 137 points. Antonia Gates had a monster game and Willie Parker went for 100+ and a touchdown. The rest of the Guerrillas lineup was a yawner, especially the Giants D/ST who couldn’t amass more than 15 points against the lowly Dolphins. The Guerrillas are still tied for first in the Nut Brown Division, but it ain’t looking good. For the Gs, it was another disheartening loss. With Edge and LJ on byes, the Gs had to start Jamal Lewis coming off injury and Chargers backup Michael Turner. It actually looked like it might turn out ok when the Chargers went up big in the first have. Unfortunately, Turner still finished with just 4 carries. To make matters worse, Andre Davis and Lavnesersifsjsjus Coles left their respective games due to injury after each making only one catch. Reggie Wayne’s tremendous game and Philip Rivers three touchdown passes weren’t enough to salvage the week for the Gs, but at least they broke the 100 total point mark. Like Jake Long’s Cock, the Gs are in the Amber Division and still only sit 2 games out of first with a 2-6 record. The Recap still predicts a late season push by the Gs (but hopefully not until after Week 9).

Sweet Tangy Limes (103.75) @ PONTOON BOATS (143)

This was a disappointing performance from the Limes, who were certainly not sweet, nor were they tangy. Manager Rickles Gittles is going to have to make a move to get a more reliable quarterback, because Eli Manning looked like his normal Douche LaRouche self on the international stage in London. Gittles will also need Marvin Harrison to rebound from injury because Marty Booker just isn’t going to cut it. Don’t even get the Recap started on Shaun Alexander. At least Gittles picked up a nice -3 Wii Golf win at the League Conference for Recreational Activities this past weekend. Surprisingly, the Limes have been all but absent from the trade front despite a squad that clearly needs some improvement. In complete contrast, the Boats and the Schmitter have been all over the trade block and their squad barely resembles what they started with on draft day. The Boats’ running back situation still looks bad, and it sure looks like the Steven Jackson for Frank Gore trade is going to come back to haunt them. But, at least for a week, the Schmitter’s lineup was able to find a way to win. Even though he is black and thus faces more pressure, Donovan McNabb came through with a nice game against the Vikings and (as much as it pains the Recap to say this) Marques Colston had a ginormous week, scoring three touchdowns. The Recap, meanwhile, hopes that Colston catches a mean case of crabs or the clap from some nasty asian stripper at Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club on Bourbon Street (not that the Recap has ever been there or anything). The Pontoon Boats are desperately trying to crawl out of last place in the Oatmeal Stout division. Maybe the Schmitter should try not leaving Kevin Jones and his 23.75 points on the bench…oh wait, he traded Kevin Jones away for quarters on the dollar this week.

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (176) @ The Rape Stand (105.75)

The Sundaes are for real my friends. They now lead the league in total points scored and are second in the power rankings despite only a 4-4 record. You just cannot stop Thomas Brady. Not only are his passes as potent as his jism, but he also ran for two touchdowns this week. Team manager Mike “Wario” Hartman was quite pleased with Thomas Jones’s 104 total yards and the 6 catches, 59 yards, and touchdown the Sundaes got from tightend Gred Olsen. The Sundaes also got great games from Tory Holt and the Titans D/ST and ended up scoring the second highest total amount of points for the week. The Sundaes will need to pick up a big win against the Gs to move up in the very competitive Oatmeal Stout Division. League Intern and manager of the Rapists, Paul Kennedy, really can’t be blamed for his team being trounced. Half his team was on byes, he was forced to start Ladell Betts, Arnaz Battle, and Dennis Northcutt, and Tony Romo got a lapdance from Britney Spears last week likely leading to a scorching case of herpes between Week 10 and 11 (wow…two VD references in the Recap already). The Rapists (6-2, #1 in the Nut Brown Division, #1 in the power rankings) will look to rebound next week but can’t be happy about the patchouli stink invading their first-place air.

Soul-Ja Boi Records (88.75) @ DANGER MONKEY (109)

It is really starting to amaze the league at how up-and-down the Records are. One week they are throwing up 150 and annihilating the competition; the next week, they can’t even break the 100-point mark. The Recap has been tormenting Mr. Robbie and the Records about their receiving “core” but let’s take a look for a moment at their running back “core.” Mr. Robbie’s only starting RBs are Warrick Dunn (awful and about to lose his job to Jerious Norwood) and Rudi Johnson (a nagging hamstring injury that isn’t going away). He also has Kenny Watson who has been serviceable but will lose carries once Rudi Johnson comes back and Chicago’s Adrian Peterson (the blagh of all blaghs). Not looking good my man. Hey, at least Roydell Williams chipped in this week with a catch and 3 yards. Sethadiah Pruss and the Danger Monkey stole a win, scoring only 109 points and remaining in first place in the Oatmeal Stout Division. There weren’t many bright spots for the Monkey except for Brandon Jacobs 137 total yards. Perhaps Pruss, the Chairman of the League Rules Committee, needs to spend less time locked away in his room drafting the league constitution and bidding on championship trophies on eBay. Perhaps…but the Recap doesn’t really want to live in a league where at least one member isn’t consumed with finding the most perfect 1972 Canadian curling championship trophy that he can find.

THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (192.75) @ Your Mom’s Balls (106)

Your Mom’s Balls had been making a nice run, but the HIV easily shrunk those Balls with their 192.75 point performance. Drew Brees showed us that he is back to form, throwing for 300+ and four touchdowns. Then Joe Addai had to go and put up 109 total yards and three touchdowns. Oh and don’t forget Lendale White’s 133 rushing yards. Wait, what? Oh right, Braylon Edwards also managed to catch 8 passes for 117 yards and two touchdowns. Overshadowed in this impressive display of fantasy prowess? Randy Moss, who only had 47 yards and a touchdown. Jon “Johnny HIV” Ades has a scary squad and it is not out of the question that the Brigade can put up these numbers (or close to them) every week. But what about those Balls? For starters, Ahman Green was benched at the last minute and thus, put up the goose egg for the Balls (not that MJD would have helped). Peyton had a good, but not Peyton-esque performance. The Broncos D/ST is also not looking all that stellar these days. The Balls look to be in trouble at running back, only carrying Green (oft-injured), Pocket Hercules, and Earnest Graham (a Florida Gator, but still…) on the roster. The problems at running back combined with the 0-3 start this season might prevent the Balls from rising any higher than 3rd place in the Nut Brown Division this year. There are also growing concerns that someone has kidnapped team manager Jeremy Gilman. “I’m on it,” Commissioner Matlin said earlier this week. “Ades is taking his yacht out to search the ocean; Mr. Robbie is scouting the local McDonalds; my dog Otis is rummaging around in the trash back in the alley. We will find him damnit.” The Recap’s guess? Guerrillas manager Keentsull chopped up Gilman to fertilize his mushroom farm. We’ll report on this more next week.

NEWS & NOTES

The best division? Clearly it’s the smooth, creamy, euphoric Oatmeal Stout. Teams in the division own the #2 (Sundaes), #3 (Brigade), and #4 (Monkey) spots in the Power Rankings. Even the lowly Pontoon Boats are still #7 in the Power Rankings. This is especially intriguing considering the recent league vote to keep continuity in the divisions from year to year. The Recap smells rough rivalries for years to come.

The worst division? Clearly it’s the light-bodied, watery, soulless Amber. The first place Sweet Tangy Limes are only 4-4. Second-place Soul-Ja Boi Records are 3-5 and, considering the way this year has been going, there is no way they are going to finish better than 6-8. The Cock and the Gs are a combined 4-12. All four teams combined have gotten only 5 wins against the other divisions (Oatmeal Stout has gotten 13). It wouldn’t be a shock to see the winner of the Amber Division finish with a sub-.500 record.

In more uplifting news, there were a lot of new developments in the league this week. The quest began to find a championship trophy worthy of crowning the LRFL winner, and we are currently taking name suggestions (there have been none to date). It also seems that the end-of-the-season party is coming together. The Commish has offered up his New Haven palace sometime in early January where fellow team managers will be treated to great pizza and less-than-great homeless people. Team managers, please let the Commish know if any of the proposed dates work for you so we can get this baby rolling. At the party, the championship trophy will be presented and, if the lottery rule passes, we may conduct the lottery at the festivities. We will also drink a lot of beer, play video games, eat beef jerky, hit each other in the balls, shave Drago’s head, and possibly pursue some illicit recreational activities (like cutting off mattress tags).

Finally, just a reminder to the managers: PLEASE VOTE ON ALL THE LEAGUE POLLS. Some have been really close and require all 12 teams to vote. We really want to get the constitution drawn up before the end-of-the-season party so that we can all sign it in our blood.

That’s it for this week. Please forward all Miis, queso, baby eel videos, coupons for Britney Spears lapdances, and tennis shoes to League Intern Paul Kennedy.