COMEDY/TRAGEDY: Week 8

Thanks to a number of crippling bye weeks this weekend, there wasn't a single coaching decision that would have changed the outcome of a game. The true comedy/tragedy of the weekend (pointed out by the manager himself) was that despite gross mismanagement of Danger Monkey's personnel, the Monkey still pulled out a victory. Seth Pruss, distracted by the drafting of a constitution just as our forefathers were, made the wrong decision at quarterback, and a pair of wide receiver slots, and still made Soul-Ja Boi Records his bitch.

Speaking of bye weeks, we here at The Blog believe (without doing any research whatsoever) that Week 8 marked the first time this season that a team had zero points on the bench due to inactivity. Both The Sweet Tangy Limes and The Rape Stand struggled to put a full team on the field, and suffered predictable losses.

It's bad enough that six teams were off on bye this week and that alone sent owners scurrying for replacement players. But the week served up 14 NFL teams that only scored one touchdown in the entire game. Of 24 teams which played on Sunday, only ten managed to have more than one touchdown. Thirteen teams only had 13 points or less. Unless you had Lee Evans, Marques Colston, Braylon Edwards, Reggie Wayne, Antonio Gates, Joseph Addai, Brian Westbrook, Tom Brady, Derek Anderson or Drew Brees, you probably did not have much for a score this week.

This week, with all the low scores, there are just too many candidates for La Resistance Player of the Weak, with Plaxico Burress, Steve Smith, Ladell Betts, and Desmond Clark all receiving votes.

On to the lineups, with the Comedies especially thin at the wide receiver position. Comedy players were on their respective benches, while Tragedies hurt more than they helped in the starting lineup...

COMEDY
QB: Derek Anderson, Danger Monkey, 36.75 pts.
RB: Jesse Chatman, Kimbo Slice, 16.5 pts.
RB: Selvin Young, The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes, 18.5 pts.
WR: Santana Moss, Pontoon Boats, 7.0 pts.
WR: James Jones, Danger Monkey, 20.5 pts.
WR: Shaun MacDonald, Danger Monkey, 9.0 pts.
DST: Chargers, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 34.0 pts.

TRAGEDY:
QB: Eli Manning, Sweet Tangy Limes, 11.25 pts.
RB: Ladell Betts, The Rape Stand, 0.75 pts.
RB: Rueben Droughns, Jake Long's Cock, 4.0 pts.
WR: Steve Smith, Pontoon Boats, 2.0 pts.
WR: Laverneus Coles, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 1.5 pts.
WR: Plaxico Burress, Danger Monkey, 2.0 pts.
TE: Desmond Clark, Danger Monkey, 1.5 pts.
DST: Vikings, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 10.0 pts.

Week Seven Recap

Week Seven Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.
http://laresistancefootballleague.blogspot.com/

The Commish goes down! Or should I say, Jake Long’s Cock goes down! (Drago, that is the correct way to spell it…moron). Things were finally settled between Commissioner Nate “Smokey” Matlin and his previously named team, Yosarrian Lives, and Evan “Schmitter” Schmitt’s Pontoon Boats. The Boats took a narrow 3-point victory, with friendship and pride on the line. There was a minor controversy regarding the win and a suspect safety, but luckily Sethadiah Pruss, Chairman of the Rules Committee, stepped in and declared the Boats the victor. The Commish immediately manned up and changed his team name as promised. On the other side, Schmitt lifted his self-imposed media blackout in a less-than-triumphant manner. Here is the transcript from his “press-conference”:

“Listen...it's my job to coach the team so I'll coach the players I'm given. It's my job to make sure they are prepared for Sunday, I let the front office worry about who we put on the field. Right now I have to figure out how to beat the limes. Now, as far as the limes stealing play calls I'm not going to get into that. There is a commisioner of this league and I'll let him police it, right now I'm just focused on football.”

The other league managers were slightly confused by the ad-hoc press release and ultimately concluded that it was written by a four-year-old rhinoceros with down-syndrome named Pokey (see picture above right). Here at the Recap, we have some advice for the Boats: never, under any circumstances, take media relations advice from League Intern Paul Kennedy. Hopefully, Schmitt can right the Boats’ ship before his media campaign spins completely out of control…oh, wait…nevermind.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

Jake Long’s Cock (previously Yosarrian Lives) (112.5) @ PONTOON BOATS (115.25)

We might as well start with the big game this week. In truth, it was a bit of a yawner. Neither team topped the 120 total point mark and in my favorite bit of trivia this week, every other team in the league would have beaten BOTH the Cock and the Boats this week except for Kimbo Slice (shat of the week?). The Commish’s Cock is now hanging on by a thread at 2-5. He’s getting nothing out of Lawrence Maroney and the only other options on his bench at running back are the other Patriot ball-carriers. Chris Cooley catching one pass for 3 yards also isn’t going to cut it. Though the Boats are still afloat at 3-4, the Schmitter finds himself in a very tough Oatmeal Stout Division and the team has scored the second-fewest total points in the league. The Schmitter has now resorted to making panic moves, trading Jerricho Cotchery, who has been on fire, for Marques Colston, the early winner of fantasy-bust-of-the-year in the WR division. A quick look at the stats shows that Cotchery has caught nearly twice as many passes for twice as many yards as Colston. The Schmitter has also been trying unsuccessfully to trade Kevin Jones away, despite the fact that he easily outperformed both Frank Gore and Cedric Benson last week and most (if not all) fantasy analysts predict a big second-half of the season for Mr. Jones. “The Boats only want to sign the big names,” Commissioner Matlin said, “but who’s going to handle all those egos? Certainly not that Lurch-looking lanky-ass bitch.” Well said. Here at the Recap, we suggest that the Boats might want to look into a Co-Manager for next year.

El Che y los Guerrilleros (133.5) @ THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (162.75)

After the immensely disappointing loss to the Limes last week, the Sundaes responded valiantly and took the ugly stick to the Guerrillas. The Sundaes got the win despite getting no touchdowns from any of its wide receivers or running backs. Once again, third-round pick Tom Brady saved the day throwing for 350+ and six touchdowns. Kudos to Sundaes’ manager Mike Hartman for not panicking on Seattle’s DST after two awful performances. The Seahawks got their magic back, allowing only 6 points, forcing 5 turnovers, recording 7 sacks, and scoring a 91-yard kick return touchdown. Booyah! The Sundaes are now third in the power-rankings despite a 3-4 record and seem to be in the rise. On the other side of things, the luck finally ran out for the Guerrillas and team manager Eriq Keentsull. As you will all recall, Keentsull was complaining last week after the Guerrillas were not included in a discussion of the league’s best teams. Funny how these things work themselves out. The Recap was amazed to learn this week that the Guerrillas are currently carrying only one quarterback on their roster: Damon Huard. Wow…seriously? Huard couldn’t take the pressure this week, putting up only 12.5 points. Santonio Holmes (quickly becoming a favorite of the Recap) and Terrell Owens each caught a touchdown but there was no way the Guerrillas were getting out of the Huard hole. The Guerrillas fell to 5-2, second place in the Nut Brown Division. We’re pretty sure Keentsull feels Your Mom’s Balls on the back of his neck.

SOUL-JA BOI RECORDS (152) @ Kimbo Slice (110.25)

The Records inconsistency is starting to become predictably consistent. No doubt we just blew team manager Robert Winchester Frederickson V’s mind. What the Recap means is that it’s reasonably assured that the Records will follow up every dismal showing with a strong performance, and vice versa. After getting stomped last week, the Records spun their way to a win and 152 total points. Though we miss Keith Kenton (aka Kenton Keith) on Mr. Robbie’s roster, he’s found another backup running back to carry him to victory. Yes, Kenny Watson shocked the fantasy world this week when he ran for 130 yards and three touchdowns (45.25 total points). Unfortunately for the Records, Carson Palmer has not played like the 15th-overall pick should. And, despite what Mr. Robbie says, his receiver “core” is still pure crap. If anyone thinks Kevin Walter’s day was any more than a fluke is sorely mistaken. For Kimbo Slice, there isn’t much left to say. There doesn’t seem to be any answer at quarterback or DST and at 1-6, it may be time to start thinking about next year.

Sweet Tangy Limes (117.25) @ THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (131.25)

Rickles Gittles needs to hit the panic button. Shaun Alexander is getting worse every week and it is starting to cost the Limes some sweet, tangy victories. Alexander could muster only 47 yards on 19 carries, and unless Adrian Peterson performs every week like he did in week 6, the Limes are going to be in some serious trouble. Eli Manning is still not playing well enough at quarterback and let’s fact it, he looks like a huge douche. Fortunately for Gittles, the Limes are in the absolutely putrid Amber Division, where 4-3 is good enough for first place. The Brigade continues to hang tough in the Oatmeal Stout Division, holding on to second-place with the win. Besides Randy Moss once again acting like a super-duper star, the Brigade’s lineup was fairly quiet, though Drew Brees is returning to consistent form and threw for 200+ and a pair of touchdowns. The big question for the Brigade is at running back. It was announced this week that Joe Addai would be sharing carries with Keith Kenton-Kenton Keith and Lamont Jordan hasn’t been the same as he was at the start of the season. Not to worry, however…manager Jon “Drug-Sniffing Dogs?” Ades’s brilliant move to get Lendale White should be paying dividends for the rest of the season. Anyway, it will be interesting to see if any bad blood remains between Gittles and Ades at the First Annual LRFL Conference on Recreational Activities, which convenes this weekend in Washington D.C. Hopefully things will have cooled off, but fellow attendants Mike Hartman and Sethadiah Pruss are ready with their tasers bro.

The Gangstalicious Resurection (160.5) @ YOUR MOM’S BALLS (169.25)

Those Balls are getting hot. That makes four-in-a-row for the Balls who also scored the highest point total for the week. Once again, the Patriots’ offense really helped the Balls out as Donte Stallworth and super white-boy Wes Welker went for a combined 189 yards and three touchdowns. The Patriots WRs, a decent day from Peyton, and a huge yardage day from Earnest Graham were enough, even with a goose-egg from Pat Crayton. The only question: where in the hell has team manager Jeremy Gilman been? The league has only heard from the reclusive manager once this year and league managers are starting to get worried that something is afoot. If the Recap had just won four straight games, we would certainly be proclaiming that our testicles were of larger girth and roundness than those of other managers. Hopefully Gilman will chime in soon or the Commish may have to send out a search party. The Resurection fell to 2-5 and retain a share of last place in the Amber Division. The team put up a nice point total this week, getting great games from Lavernersnreseus Coles, Andre Davis, and Reggie Wayne (Mr. Robbie, that is an example of a good receiving “core”). In fact, everything was pretty good for the Resurection except at quarterback where Matt Schaub left with an injury after throwing only 5 passes. It’s been that kind of year for the Resurection. The Recap still predicts a Balls-like run for the team at some point this season.

THE RAPE STAND (148.25) @ Danger Monkey (126.75)

This was supposed to be a game between powerhouses, but neither team lived up to the hype. The now 5-2 Danger Monkey didn’t get a whole lot from star receivers Plax Burress and Roy Williams. Most importantly, team manager Sethadiah Pruss must be wondering if Jon Kitna did something to piss off Jesus Christ, because he no longer appears to be willing Kitna to lights-out fantasy performances. The Rapists had a solid, if ho-hum day. No great performances outside of Heath Miller, but several good ones. Of course, the big news was Ronnie Brown’s season-ending knee injury. The 13th overall selection is currently leading the LRFL in total points among running backs, but that will now come to a screeching halt. The Recap doubts that Ladell Betts or Julius Jones can fill the jockstrap of Brown, so the Rapists may be in some trouble. Next week the Rapists get the surging Sundaes, and because of bye-weeks, team manager Paul Kennedy will have to trot out a less-than-stellar squad. On top of everything, Kennedy still hasn’t gotten the clue that the rest of the league thinks his weekly press conferences are pointless and getting in the way of all the other ingenious material on the league’s news website.

NEWS & NOTES

Not a whole lot to discuss this week. For starters, team managers PLEASE GO TO THE LEAGUE WEBSITE AND VOTE ON THE RULES POLLS. We need to get everything in shape so that the league’s legal counsel can begin drafting up all the paperwork.

Second, the Recap wishes a very happy 21st birthday to Kimbo Slice manager Evan Herring. We asked the Records to throw the game this past week, but Mr. Robbie can be a cock-smoker sometimes.

Third, if you want to know why the Commish’s former league (and current league for teams owned by Hartman, Pruss, Rickles, Ades, and Herring) sucks, just check out what the Commish of that league has been spending all his time on: http://www.heavy.com/video/28327#/channel/133525

That should cover it…again, team managers, please go to the league website and vote on the rule polls. Until next week, please forward any Tom Brady fatheads, sourpatch kids, karate headbands, and Kenny Loggins bootlegs to League Intern Paul Kennedy.

WEEK 8 PRESS CONFERENCE: The Rape Stand

Welcome to the World's Greatest Fake Football Press Event, presented by Dunkin' Donuts. Coach Kennichick will begin with an opening statement before taking your questions.
Sorry folks, this is going to have to be a short session due to the fact that I'm actually planning a real press conference for 1:00 this afternoon and have to be on a flight to Boston about three hours after that. We beat a quality opponent this week, there's no denying that, and it was tense for pretty much all day Sunday since I didn't have any Internet access. Any time the Giants score 33 points and you know your opponent has Brandon Jacobs and Plax, you know you're in for a battle. Thankfully we came out on top because God apparently isn't on Jon Kitna's side anymore.

Coach, devastating news about Ronnie Brown, what does this do to your team?
What do you think it does to my fucking team Sal? We're screwed. Would you ask Tony Dungy that question if Peyton Manning was out for the year? No, of course you wouldn't. Ronnie was our workhorse, our star, and it's awful that his season has come to an end. I feel bad for the young man. But I feel worse about myself, because this is the type of injury that eventually winds up costing a coach his job.

What about Andre Johnson?
That little pansy keeps whining about not having "full range of motion" in his knee, and now he says he might not be back until Week 11. Well, you know what, I don't need you to have full range of motion Andre, I only need one motion, straight ahead. Rub some dirt on it and quit limping around the facility hoping someone feels bad for you and bakes you a basket of muffins.

You're in a tough spot this week with the bye weeks in addition to your injury problems, how do you plan to overcome?
Well, quite frankly, we're prepared to punt this week. If we were matched up with a shitty opponent, we might be able to battle through this and make a game of it, but the Sundaes are on a roll right now, and don't look to be slowing down. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, but Tom Brady is on pace to throw 12 or 13 touchdown passes this week. I met with my staff this week, and we considered not sending a full team out there, because of all the adds and drops we'd have to put together, and the buzzsaw opponent, but that wouldn't be fair to the competitive spirit of the League. We'll do our best, and see what happens.

Coach, what will it take to pull of a victory this week?
Funny you should mention that Peter. Earlier this week I mentioned that only an act of God would give the Stand a fighting chance this week. Obviously I was using a cliche, that's what coaches do, we give you cliches and you love us for it. Well, as it turns out, an act of God could actually keep LDT and the Chargers off the field for my opponent this week. Does this mean that God is a Rape Stand fan?

Of course it does.

Another League manager has been calling impromptu press conferences over email this week, any comment on that?
It's an insult. You can't just slap three sentences on an email and call it a press conference. It's embarrassing, but I'd expect nothing less from that particular manager. It's not fair to you, the media, and it's not fair to the League. Show some dignity, you know?

Josh Beckett. Great post-season pitcher? Or the greatest post-season pitcher?
Sox in six. Remember, before there was Rocktober, there was Soxtober.

Thanks for your time everyone. I'm sure Dr. Bigtime will cover everything in his Recap.

Week Six Recap

Week Six Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S

Hoooooooooooly shit. After taking it in the keister from the Balls this week, Pontoon Boats manager Evan Schmitt has broken his self-imposed email embargo this week to contact the Recap and issue a direct challenge to Commissioner Matlin and his team,
Yossarian Lives. Fed up with what he feels is unfair treatment from the Commissioner’s office—as well as abuse of his personal relationship with the Commish—Schmitt has decided that this week’s matchup between Yossarian and the Boats should have some extra bragging rights on the line. Thus, Schmitt has issued this challenge: if the Boats lose, their name will be changed to the “Trojans,” but if Yossarian loses, the Commish must change his team name to the “Wolverines.” Here, is the challenge directly from the horse’s mouth (or fingers or hooves or whatever horses would type with):

“I am breaking my vow of silence . . . . [I] consider the upcoming game with matlin a grudge match and if i lose will change my team name to the Trojans, if I win however Nate must change his team name to the Wolverines. This is the gauntlet I throw down via [the] update since I will no longer speak to nate directly because he is a traitor and he broke my x-box.”

The Recap thinks that the challenge should be slightly amended and that the Boats should be forced to change their name to “John David Booty’s Monster Cock Magic” if they lose, but we’ll leave that up to the Commish if he decides to accept. This should add an extra special element to this week’s games, and here at the Recap, we welcome more personal challenges in the future and are happy to serve as a conduit.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

SWEET TANGY LIMES (209.75) @ The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes (192.5)

We must start of course with the game of the week. The battle between the Sweet Tangy Limes and the Sundaes not only sounds delicious, it did in fact bring the Kaboom in the form of a score-fest. The match looked to be an early runaway victory for Rickles Gittles and the Limes as Adrian Peterson officially emerged as a fantasy stud with his 224 yard, 3 touchdown performance. But, the Sundaes fought back with a monster 4-touchdown day from LT and an even more impressive 5-touchdown day from Tom Brady, whose throwing prowess this season is only matched by his super-sperm. Like any great fantasy battle, the winner would be determined by the Sunday night game and Monday Night Football. On Sunday night, neither team got a lot of help. Shaun Alexander was disappointing for the Limes and the Seahawks Defense and Special Teams once again crapped their pants for the Sundaes. Marques Colston did finally get on the board with a touchdown, but it was his only catch of the game…and was for two yards. Facing a deficit heading into MNF, the Sundaes had to hope that Roddy White could have the game of his life and that Eli Manning would be Eli Manning. Though White put up a valiant 4 catch, 64 yard game, Manning proved to be too much throwing for 300 yards and 2 touchdowns. His 3 turnovers weren’t enough to offset the otherwise impressive performance. Manning may just be the tangiest lime of them all.

The Sundaes are really at a loss this season. The team has put up the fourth most total points in the league and would have beat everybody this week except the Limes and those resurgent Balls. Unfortunately, only the Boats have had more points scored against them than the Sundaes. Sundaes’ manager Mike “You Can’t Handle the Truth” Hartman attributes the team’s 2-4 record to bad scheduling, and will have to get on track this week against the Guerrillas without the help of LT. The Sundaes also just found out that Javon Walker will be undergoing knee surgery, which will be a huge loss for the next few weeks. On the other side, the Limes now have a solid lead on first place in the Amber Division and Gittles can finally stop regretting his second round pick of Peterson. Maybe he should start regretting his first round pick of Alexander.

Kimbo Slice (109.25) @ THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (133.75)

Jonny T-Cells and the Brigade quietly moved to .500 this week with a solid 24 point victory over the reeling Kimbo Slice. Slice just looks cursed this year. Manager Evan Herring chose to start Kurt Warner at quarterback. On the bright side, Warner completed 100% of his passes. On the not so bright side, he only threw 2 passes the whole game before leaving with an elbow. Vince Young, his bench option, also left the game with an injury and only scored 8.5 points for the week. Already weak at quarterback because of Marc Bulger’s disappointing season, Slice will need help from elsewhere if the team hopes to rebound. The Brigade is still hanging tough in the Oatmeal Stout division and for this week at least, the Brigade got the better end of the Tory Holt-Lendale White trade. White ran for 64 yards and a touchdown and the Brigade got three touchdowns from Braylon Edwards and a nice rebound performance from Drew Brees. Jonny T-Cells told the Recap he plans to celebrate the victory by purchasing a submarine. “It’s the next logical move for me,” he said. “I’m going to paint the front like a shark head . . . fuck yeah.” The Brigade gets the Limes next week in another battle between former A710 residents.

Soul-Ja Boi Records (109.5) @ EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (135.25)

The Records continue to baffle the Recap. After a nice win in week 5, the Records and Robert Winchester Remington Frederickson V returned to form and put up one of the lowest point totals of the week. Carson Palmer and the Ravens Defense put up nice days that bookended the miserable performances of every other member of the Records’ starting lineup. The Records got 12 total points from its running backs (including a 1 point performance from Rudi Johnson). And, as League Intern Paul Kennedy rudely explained in a column earlier this week, starting wide receiver Santana Moss scored negative points. We’ve been dogging the Records’ receiver corps for weeks and it appears that the criticism has been warranted. Perhaps Chris Chambers’ change of scenery will provide a spark for the Records’ but we here at the Recap predict that he is actually going to be worse playing for the Charges.

The Guerrillas are now tied for first place in the Nut Brown Division. There was some question this week on whether the Guerrillas are rightfully the sole owner of first place as they have previously defeated the also 5-1 Rape Stand. Manager Eriq Keentsull got pretty fired up about this and other issues this week:

“In all of your eyes no patruli oil smelling hippie should even be playing fantasy football. In addition, my team has been getting lucky and that will probably soon come to a halt. However, at this point in the season i believe i deserve to be in the same breath as the top 2 if not considered number 2. Week 2 saw El Che put it in the back side of the rape stand, so by head to head i technically should be 1st in our division. Now it gets ugly. No love, not cool!”

Patruli? Whatever the case, Keentsull is right that his team has been getting lucky. This week he got touchdowns from Jason Wright and Lance Moore, 83 yards from Chester Taylor, and a solid day from Damon Huard. Will the Guerrillas find luck again against the Sundaes this week? And what about the rumor that Keentsull is thinking about bringing the also oddly-smelling Jay Hadden on as Director of Player Personnel?

YOUR MOM’S BALLS (192.75) @ Pontoon Boats (156.75)

Your Mom’s Balls are on fire! Mark it three in a row Dude. MJD is officially relevant again in the fantasy world and the Balls’ decision to start both Donte Stallworth and super-white boy Wes Welker was genius. The latter two along with Tony Gonzalez put up nearly 90 points. Yep, they were the three hugest Balls this week. The Balls put up the second highest point total for the week, but still have put up the second-fewest total points for the season so we are a bit dubious that the winning trend continues. The Boats droped to 2-4. They really didn’t have a bad week; it just follows a trend of the Boats meeting opponents on their big days. The Boats have had a whopping 1,017 points scored against them after six weeks, which is by far the most in the league. As we noted before, this week’s match up against the Commish will be huge and right now the Guru has the game as a coin flip. The Recap has been hard on Mr. Drago so far this season, but for the sake of his mental health, we wish him luck this week.

Yossarian Lives (107.25) @ DANGER MONKEY (117.5)

Danger Monkey and manager Sethadiah Pruss got back to their winning ways this week but certainly didn’t deserve it, scoring only 117 points. It was a low-scoring affair all around and it eventually came down to Plax Burress and Brandon Jacobs taking the Monkey to victory on Monday night. Perhaps Yossarian was looking ahead to its grudge match this week with the Boats or perhaps the Commish should have thought about starting Matt Hasselback against a weak Saints defense instead of Brett Favre. Favre returned to 2006 form against the Redskins, who possess perhaps the best safety tandem in the league. Anyway, since this game was pretty boring, the Recap will use this time to commend Sethadiah Pruss on his contributions to the league this week. For starters, he corrected our Sega Dreamcast comment (we mistakenly referred to the Dramcast’s predecessor, Sega Saturn). He then put Keentsull in his place and got to the bottom of the rules for determining division winners. He is now spearheading the rule amendments for next season. He also made peanut butter rice krispie treats for the rest of the league managers. Kudos Pruss! The Commissioner’s office is currently in talks to appoint Pruss as Chairman of the Rules Committee.

Gangstalicious Resurection (107) @ THE RAPE STAND (148)

The Rape Stand continues to roll along with all its rapey goodness. Ronnie Brown is turning into an absolute monster and Brian Westbrook had a nice game as well. Throw in a surprisingly good day from Bobby Engram and consistent performances from the rest of the roster and it was an easy victory for manager Paul “Sweet Titties” Kennedy. It’s a huge matchup for the Stand this week against Danger Monkey (both teams are 5-1) and the game will begin to shake out the playoff picture. For the Resurection, it wasn’t such a great week as the team put up the lowest point total for week six. Looks like the Recap was wrong this week as the Resurection’s deep roster didn’t help the cause of victory on game day. The Resurection will need a very strong performance this week against the Balls to salvage the season. The Recap predicts a Resurection victory primarily because we think manager Emilio “Badelio” Pabon will be fired up after Pruss questioned his familiarity and aptitude with the internet. Watch out Pruss, you might catch a shiv this week.

NEWS & NOTES

Here at the Recap, we regularly observe that there are some rules that aren’t written, but nonetheless carry the full ambit of the law. One of these rules is simple: a team or its manager CANNOT choose their own nickname. The controversy has recently come up because some managers have begun to refer to League Intern Paul Kennedy’s team, the Rape Stand, as the Rapists. Kennedy would prefer, “The Stand,” or “The Stands.” The latter is just stupid and we certainly haven’t heard anyone calling them that. If the people say they’re the Rapists, then they’re the Rapists. Sorry brosef; should have thought of that before you picked that retarded name.

Speaking of rules, there is much ado in the LRFL about rule changes for the offseason and next year. Number of keepers, keeper system, home field advantage, and playoff schedule are just some of the rules at issue. The Commish has also suggested setting up a formal gambling ring for league wagers, which makes the Recap ask how many managers have actually paid their league dues so far? The Commissioner’s Office needs to get on top of this, as the Recap won’t support a gambling system until the League’s finances are in order.

Still on the rules tip, the Recap would like some suggestions for how to handle those teams that end up in the bottom half of the standings. Traditionally, draft order is determined from reverse standings, but this may give an incentive for teams to tank. The Recap likes a “Toilet Bowl”-themed idea where the team that finishes in last place has to suffer some infamy as a result of their putrid season. The Recap suggests that the last-place team has their name determined by the league for the following year and also is responsible for planning the end-of-season festivities, which by-the-way, the Recap also heartily supports. Any chance to get a drunk Drago and drunk Commish in the same room at the end of the season sounds good. Anyway, feel free to forward along suggestions on how to handle (a) tanking, (b) the draft order, or (c) end-of-year party. All proposals will be forwarded to the Rules Committee for examination and general farting.

Finally, the word on the street is that the formerly tubby, burned-out playboy, Matthew C. Baldwin has been looking into applying for a LRFL franchise in 2008. A Baldwin-led franchise would probably add some weclomed tomfoolery to the league, although Mr. Baldwin does have some things going against him. First, he would probably name his team “Vaginal Discharge” which is amusing, though extremely disgusting. Commissioner Matlin explained the second hurdle Baldwin faces: “Motherfucker didn’t even RSVP to my wedding.” We shall see what unfolds.

That’s it this week. Please send all questions, comments, black-and-white cookies, spicy griblets, Booey wraps, and pictures of team managers to League Intern Paul Kennedy.

Underwood Attempts To Undermine Rape Stand

Startling news out of Dallas this morning, as a PR attack has been launched against Rape Stand quarterback Tony Romo. According to America's "Publication of Record", Entertainment Weekly, Carrie Underwood is denying that her rumored relationship with the Stand star ever happened:

"Though Underwood seemed to be enjoying a blossoming relationship with the Dallas Cowboy earlier this year — he was her date to the ACM Awards and each flew to the other's side for their respective birthdays — she swears they were never a couple. ''At one point it seemed like that's where it was headed,'' she says, ''but point blank, he is about football. I don't know if it's that I'm not quite his type or whatever, but I don't think he's at the point in his life where he would be willing to sacrifice football. He hated so much that people thought that he was paying more attention to me and that was causing him to not do well."

The revelation has caused an uproar in The Rape Stand's locker room, where teammates were atwitter with questions. For his part, Ronnie Brown has openly questioned his teammate's motivation:

"I’m not sure I believe Tony's excuse that he is too busy with football to fuck hot chicks. I appreciate his dedication but, I mean, Tom Brady is putting together the greatest season in the history of the NFL and he’s fucking Gisele while the Pats are on defense. Getting pussy doesn’t seem to be bothering him too much."

Brown never went so far as to call Romo gay, but as teammate Bobby Engram pointed out, "If Tony is gay, you know T.O. will out him sooner or later."

More details as this story develops, and how it will affect The Stand's titanic clash with Danger Monkey this weekend.

WEEK 7 PRESS CONFERENCE: The Rape Stand

Thanks for coming folks, and welcome to "The World's Greatest Fake Football Press Event, presented by Dunkin' Donuts" , Coach Kennichick will make his opening statement, and then take questions from you all but first, a word from our sponsor...



Remember, the Rape Stand runs on Dunkin'.

Good morning everyone, thanks for being here. We had strong performances across the board this past week, but nothing spectacular. We need our guys to get in the end-zone, and hopefully this week presents some matchups that we can exploit.

This game could be a measuring stick for your season to this point, how do you keep your guys from buying into the hype machine that has surrounded your squad?
This week's opponent is a totally different animal than last week. A monkey, in fact. There has been a lot of media jibber-jabber about this game, and it's created some backlash amongst the rest of the League, but whether or not this week is #1 vs #2, or #2 vs #3, it's a big game, and all eyes will be on Danger Monkey Stadium, affectionately known as "The Treehouse", this weekend. It's always tough to get a win on the road.

You made a controversial move to start the Tennessee defense last week instead of Dallas, what was the decision-making process there?
Well, technically that move was the wrong one in terms of points, but I'd make the same one again in a heartbeat. You don't pull on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, and you sure as hell don't start a defense against the New England Patriots right now. I think the only team with a chance to knock that bunch off would be the Colorado Rockies.

What's the deal with Bobby Engram? He's turned around a lot of doubters this year.
This guy made Kerry Collins look good at Penn State, he made Erik Kramer look good in Chicago, and he even helped Shane Matthews get a four-win improvement for da Bears. As much as I hate Matt Hasselbeck and his entire family (the Manning's of New England as they like to describe themselves), the guy can throw the ball a little bit and Bobby's going to catch it. He's not the most potent #2 option, but with Andre Johnson on the way back, he'll be one of the better #3 options in the League. He's undervalued because people aren't aware of the fact that a disease put him out most of last year. We care about our players, we care about their lives, their families. I'm not saying other coaches and organizations don't, I'm just saying it doesn't look like they do.

Coach, did your kicker make this onion dip?
From where we were standing, it didn't...look like he made it.

Coach, there have been some problems this week with the way your opponent has talked about this ballclub, what can you say about that?
I'm glad you brought this up Boomer. My players...my family...this organization doesn't deserve to wake up in the morning, open up the newspaper, and see that our opponent is disrespectfully referring to this team as "The Rapists". It's disgusting, and there's no excuse for that kind of imagery. The commissioner, in my opinion, should act accordingly and punish the offender. We have kids and families to think about...an image to uphold. The proper informal name of this team is, and I thought it was obvious enough to avoid explaining it, 'The Stands'. Not 'The Rapists'. And this isn't just a moral issue, there are licensing agreements to worry about here.

But coach, doesn't your team logo, perhaps, stray into "immoral" territory?
Who the hell let you in here? This logo is an example to children around the world. A statement. A mission. This logo will be associated with greatness much like the interlocking NY, or Touchdown Jesus.



Did you just compare Michael Vick holding a bag of contraband to Touchdown Jesus?
You said that, I didn't say that. NEXT QUESTION!

Coach, over one-third of the way through the season, who's the team to beat in LRFL?
Well, I'm not looking forward to running into the Sweet Tangy Limes, and I think the bye week situation presents a tough contest in Week 8 against the Brownie Kaboom Sundaes, but a lot can happen between now and then. Hell, Tank Johnson could be back in prison by then. Weeks 7 through 11 are going to be brutal. Having to run through the Nut Brown Division again, the winningest division thus far, is no cupcake either.

Coach, what do you think about the League's keeper situation?
I'll just say this, regardless of how many keepers will be settled upon, the decision needs to be made now, not at the end of the season when selfish interests will overwhelm the good of the League.

Thanks everyone, time to get back out there for our evening practice. We'll be pumping in a lot of canned crowd noise to try and prepare for "The Treehouse". Also, we will be serving punch and pie if you'd like to stick around.

COMEDY/TRAGEDY: Week 7

Not many nail-biters this week, but some decisions that could have tipped the scales, in two games especially.

In the Game of the Year thus far, the Sweet Tangy Limes prevailed in a shootout over the Brownie Kaboom Sundaes. The Sundaes left points on the bench with Bernard Berrian's solid day, but what really did them in was the woeful performance of the Seattle defense. The Seahawks contributed just eight points to BKS' cause, the second-lowest total of any defense that played on Sunday.

Next, Yossarian Lives dropped a heartbreaker to Danger Monkey in one of the lowest scoring contests of the La Resistance season thus far. The Commish decided to go with the gunslinger, Brett Favre, over Matt Hasselbeck. Unfortunately Favre turned in a performance reminiscent of 2005, while Hasselbeck lit up the Saints due to playing from behind most of the night. Thanks to the win over a quality opponent, the Danger Monkey climbed closer to the top of the Power Rankings.

Finally, we have our clubhouse leader for La Resistance Worst Week Ever. This standout, from Soul-Ja Boi Records, turned in such a horrible performance that he was removed from the Week 7 Tragedy lineup, so that we here at "The Blog" could call special attention to his suckitude, with an occasional new feature...

LA RESISTANCE PLAYER OF THE WEAK
SANTANA MOSS, WR, SOUL-JA-BOI RECORDS: Santana Moss took the wide receiver position to new lows, turning in a sterling week of -1.75 points. As in, less than zero. As in, you would have been better off starting David Boston in the lineup. Or David Blaine.

Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell completed passes to seven different receivers, but Moss managed no catches. He officially touched the ball only once in the game, when Campbell handed him the ball on a rush attempt around the left-end in the third quarter. Moss proceeded to fumble the ball, as "The Greatest College Football Player of All Time" Charles Woodson picked it up and returned it 57 yards for the game-breaking touchdown, and a Packer victory.

After Rudi Johnson and Moss helped him snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, Soul-Ja Boi Records head coach Robert Frederickson III said, "Only a McRib sandwich will take this sadness away."

On to the lineups. As always, Comedy players were on their respective benches, while Tragedies hurt more than they helped in the starting lineup.

COMEDY:
QB: Matt Hasselbeck, Yossarian Lives, 45.0 pts.
RB: Jerrious Norwood, Kimbo Slice, 24.5 pts.
RB: DeAngelo Williams, Kimbo Slice, 22.5 pts.
WR: 'Well Dressed' Amani Toomer, Your Mom's Balls, 17.5 pts.
WR: Bernard Berrian, The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes, 15.5 pts.
WR: Nate Burleson, The Straw Hat Brigade, 15.0 pts.
DST: San Diego, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 29.0 pts.

TRAGEDY:
QB: Kurt Warner, Kimbo Slice, 3.5 pts.
RB: Rudi Johnson, Soul-Ja Boi Records, 1.0 pts.
RB: Shaun Alexander, Sweet Tangy Limes, 6.5 pts.
WR: Torry Holt, The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes, 5.0 pts.
WR: Vincent Jackson, Kimbo Slice, 0.5 pts.
WR: Laverneus Coles, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 2.5 pts.
DST: Seattle, The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes, 8.0 pts.

Week Five Recap

Week Five Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

So we all know what the big news was this week, right? Of course! Gittles won a dog named Laddie at a truth-telling contest two towns over!

Oh…not that news. We must be referring to the mysterious 10-point shutout bonus instituted by Commissioner Matlin this week. On Sunday afternoon, team managers received word from the Commissioner’s Office noting a seemingly innocuous point change in the battle royale between the Brownie Kaboom Sundaes and Kimbo Slice. Sundaes manager Mike “Napoleon” Hartman though something was fishy and phone calls to other team managers revealed similar concerns. “Ten points seemed like a lot for a bonus,” Hartman said, “and it was something I would have noticed in the rules. I thought at first that I might just have been distracted by the Pontoon Boats’ selection of Adam Vinatieri in the ninth round.” The Sundaes filed an immediate protest at league headquarters.

As it turned out, there was no 10-point shut bonus on the books. Rather than correct the error, a heated debate ensued on whether to adopt the bonus, thereby making it retroactive to the beginning of the season. The controversy grew during the second half of the Sunday night game between the Cowboys and the Bills. Kimbo Slice emerged holding onto a 9.75 point lead factoring in the extra ten points received from the Steelers’ shutout of those pieces-of-giraffe-crap Seahawks. The bonus would, thus, determine the Sundaes-Kimbo Slice winner. The Commish eventually put the rule to league vote. Revealing his legal genius, Danger Monkey manager Sethadiah Pruss weighed in on the matter. “I agree that rules is rules,” he wrote. “If someone still has the original email w/ the rules in it (it is not posted on the website) I think that should be dispositive. If it says 10 pt bonus, 10 pt bonus. If not, not.” Brilliant.

The Commish eventually determined that the poll was futile; he would strike down the bonus and leave the issue to the offseason. “This Kinkos is driving me mad,” the Commish said in his follow-up interview. “All the employees staring at me all day . . . I can’t take much more of this [insert sound of bong gurgling].” Despite absolutely lackluster days from Thomas Jones, Bernard Berrian, and Alge Crumpler, the Sundaes emerged with a .25 point win and kept themselves out of the basement, at least for another week.

Fellow manager Rickles Gittles of the Sweet Tangy Limes was happy for the Sundaes, but was even more impressed with his new dog Laddie. “Some call it the dog that never sleeps,” Gittles said, “though it actually does...while jogging.” Sounds like quite the scrappy mutt.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (112) @ Sweet Tangy Limes (96.25)

There was little the Limes could do this week as byes and injuries kept manager Rickles Gittles from starting a strong lineup. T.J. Houshmandzadeh was on an off week and Marvin Harrison, nursing an injury, sat out for the Colts. But that didn’t stop Gittles from starting the latter ball-catcher as he had no other options on the bench. The Limes couldn’t parlay big days from Derrick Mason and Antwaan Randle El into a victory and failed to get above the 100-point mark. Nevertheless, the Limes continue to sit in first place in the Amber Division but need to get on track. It was a nice win for the Guerillas, who moved to 4-1 and have a share of first place in the Nut Brown Division. It wasn’t a great day for the Guerrillas (Santonio Holmes never played a down and put up the goose egg) but Antonio Gates and the Cardinals Defense were enough. In related news, Guerrillas manager Eriq Keentsull said this week that he will use the remaining money in the team budget for dread wax and huckleberry bushes.

The Straw Hat Brigade (73.25) @ SOUL-JA BOI RECORDS (139)

The Records remain the Jeckyl and Hyde of the LRFL. One week, team manager Robert Winchester Frederickson IV appears to be the naïve, wide-eyed visor-wearing freshman that showed up on the steps of the Kappa Sigma house some seven years ago. The next week, he appears to be the resolute former McDonald’s manager, taking it to the opposition like oreos take it to a McFlurry (hmmm…not sure they made those when Robbie worked there). This week, the Records got a monster day from Kenton Keith (or Keith Kenton as Robbie likes to call him) and it was enough to cement the victory. Of course, the Records got absolutely nothing from its receiver corps; as the Recap has been noting for weeks, the Records’ wild trading strategy has left its wide receiver group bereft of any talent. The Recap especially enjoyed the Records’ On-The-Block Update this week:

“Looking for a #1 WR

Offered:
* Dunn, Warrick RB ATL
* Buckhalter, Correll RB PHI
* Ravens, DST DST BAL
* Roethlisberger, Ben QB PIT
* Ward, Derrick RB NYG”

Shocking! The Records are looking for a number one receiver. Speaking of which, the Brigade, desperate for a running back this week, traded away Tory Holt, no doubt a number one WR, to get Lendale White who had shown signs of promise in the last few weeks. It didn’t turn out so well for team manager Jon “T-Cells” Ades, as White put up a measley 4 points. To make matters worse, Ades started Joseph Addai and that had to watch in disbelief as his backup Kenton Keith got the start and paved the way for the Brigade’s loss. All we can say is Drew Brees better get on track or the Brigade is in for some real trouble.

Danger Monkey (117) @ YOUR MOM’S BALLS (120)

“Watch out, the Balls are going to hit this league right in the face!” These were the words of Balls manager Jeremy Gilman on the heels of a huge win against the formerly 4-0 Danger Monkey. MJD finally got in track with a 52-yard touchdown run and the victory wouldn’t have been nearly as narrow if the Balls started Donte Stallworth over Amani Toomer (who laid the goose-egg). Toomer has now failed to put up more than ten points for four straight weeks. It’s tough to say what prevented the Monkey from pulling out the win. Some attribute to the wild wheeling and dealing that manager Sethadiah Pruss has been guilty of since week one. A closer look, however, shows that the players Pruss drafted failed come through this week. Frank Gore and Jon Kitna had horrible days, and Pruss hopes that his recent trade sending Frank Gore to the boats for Steven Jackson will put him back on the winning track. Still, Danger Monkey has a comfortable two game lead in the Oatmeal Stout Division. Plus, he was really good at that Sega Dreamcast game Soul Calibur.

THE RAPE STAND (160.5) @ Yossarian Lives (148.25)

This one was closer than it looks. Going into the Cowboys/Bills game on Sunday night, Yossarian and the Commish were up and Rape Stand quarterback Tony Romo almost kept it that way, throwing five interceptions before leading the Cowboys and the Stand to victory late in the game. Paul “Hartman just got that Kennichick is a hybrid name of Kennedy and Belichick" Kennedy has guided the Stand to a share of first place in the Nut Brown Division and sole possession of the number one spot in the power rankings. It was a particularly tough loss for the Commish as Yossarian had a chance to tie the Limes for first place in the Amber Division. The Commish hopes his recent trade with the Guerrillas will get his team back on track. The trade will add rookie phenom Calvin Johnson to a reeling Yossarian receiver corps and a surprisingly strong Sammy Morris to step in until Laurence Maroney comes back. But, Yossarian will lose Marshawn Lynch, who has one of the best football names we’ve seen in a while. The trade looks good on both sides, much like a black and white cookie. Look to the cookie…look to the cookie.

Pontoon Boats (117.25) @ GANGSTALICIOUS RESURECTION (128.5)

The Recap predicted a Boats’ slide and it looks like it’s getting to manager Evan “Joyless Existence” Schmitt. Hoping to float the ailing Boats, Schmitt recently flipped out via email when a trade offer was rebuffed:

“So...you reject my trade offer huh? HUH? GODDAMMIT NATE YOU PEICE OF SHIT!!!! ITS ONNN!!! YOU HAVE DRAGGED THIS FRIENDSHIP THROUGH THE OUT HOUSE OF YOUR MIDWEST INTOLERANCE AND MICHIGAN BASHING LONG ENOUGH!! ARRRGGG!!! JUST WAIT UNTIL KEVIN JONES BLOWS UP...YOU'LL SEE..YOU'LL COME CRAWLING BACK! AHHRRGGHH!!”

We can learn two things from this email. First, nothing is safe from the Recap…we will get the dirt no matter what. Second, Schmitt is really starting to lose it. The recap must ask a question: if Kevin Jones is to indeed blow up, why the eagerness to trade him? Anyway, it was a nice win for the Resurection and team manager Emilio “the Dealio” Pabon who are looking to get out of the shitter in the Amber Division. The Recap predicted last week that a team with a deep roster like the Resurection would be strong down the road, and it looks like we were right at least for a week especially considering how many points the Resurection left on the bench.

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (115.5) @ Kimbo Slice (115.25)

We’ve already covered this game at length in the intro, so here’s an interesting part of an email from Rickles Gittles regarding the mysterious origin of the Sundaes’ name:

“Wow, both [explanations] are wrong I think, although the incident with george at the baseball game was priceless. it started when I used to go to uno’s with pruss because matlin worked there. matlin brought us that brownie sundae and it was amazing. I think I started referring to it as the brownie kaboom sundae and I probably went back with Kaplan and made matlin bring it for us every time because it was so damn tasty. Of course, the original line is from the rex banner episode of the simpsons when he didn’t touch his birthday kaboom sundae (a banana boat sundae with sparklers in them).”

A banana boat sundae? Now that that’s cleared up and since we don’t have much more to say about this game, how about another entertaining Pontoon Boats snippet?

“Offered:
* Jones, Kevin RB DET

Needs:
* Running Backs”

Um…pretty sure Kevin Jones plays running back.

NEWS & NOTES

Not too many rumors circulating this week, although there has been quite a lot of trade activity. The Recap didn’t see any trades so egregious this week to warrant our stinging analysis. Instead, we have one bit of intriguing info. There are currently only four teams in the league with winning records. There are several teams with 2-3 records, including 3 in the Amber Division (the Limes lead the division with a 3-2 record). All the teams in the Amber Division have total point scores within 60 points of each other and this will no doubt be one of the tighter races down the main stretch of the season.

That’s it for now. Please direct all inquiries, rumors, ideas, illicit drugs, used Japanese school girl panties, and circus peanuts to league intern Paul Kennedy. See you next week!

WEEKLY PRESS CONFERENCE: The Rape Stand

Thanks for coming folks, Coach Kennichick will make his opening statement, and then take questions from you all...
Had to sweat that one out didn't we? Phew. That Cowboys-Bills game damn near killed me, but if your star can have the worst game of his career and you still get the win, that's the mark of a good team right there. Anytime you match up with an X-and-O mind like Nathan Matlin, you know it'll be a hard fought weekend. I'm disappointed in Ladell Betts, for sure, I thought he was more determined than that, but we'll talk about that later. Going into this weekend as the favorite is uncharted territory for this team, I hope we can respond. Questions?

Coach, is that a new banner behind you?
Thanks for noticing Sal, good eye. Because of the overwhelming success of this little get-together we have each week, and the need to create new revenue streams to keep up with the big-market teams like the Brownies and Danger Monkey, we've teamed with a new corporate sponsor. This pants-party shall henceforth be referred to as "The World's Greatest Fake Football Press Event, presented by Dunkin' Donuts". The Rape Stand runs on Dunkin'.


Any qualms starting Tony "6 Turnovers" Romo against the New England Patriots this week?
In one word...sort of. Last week was one of those bizarre games where a guy does so many things to lose that you assume he has to be shaving points. Thankfully, Dick Jauron was doing even more to lose the game. Tony is our quarterback.

What happened to Ladell Betts last week?
Great question Pedro, glad you could peel yourself off of Barry's front lawn to join us this week. Ladell ran into a problem that no one could have anticipated. This guy...

Mike Sellers is the boom king.

Your team has played well as the underdog all season, now you're favored by a mile and a half, any worries about a letdown?
As with any time I've dealt with Senor Pabon, I expect my team to come out sky-high. They know there's a target on their backs right now. Anyone can play as a 'dog, when there's no pressure, no expectations. For a guy like Ronnie Brown, now is the time to show that he can be a star. This is an opponent who has come out of the blocks slowly, but with a lot of sleeping talent, especially in the backfield. There's the potential for a shootout here.

There seems to have been a lot of activity around here this week, have there been additions to the staff?
We've added a few small roles to the staff, and one senior member to the administration. The Rape Stand is proud to announce the addition of New York city councilman James Oddo as Head Bullshit Detective. Look out media, there's a new sheriff in town.


Will 'Cavemen' be canceled before Tom Coughlin?
I'll reserve judgment until I hear what Tiki Barber thinks.

Alright folks, that's all the time I have today. Enjoy the veal, don't forget to tip your waiter, and visit your local Dunkin' Donuts for a commemorative Coach Kennichick bobble-head this weekend.

CONGRATS ON #420 BRETT....

It's a celebration, bitches. This could really be any number of people in this league, but the voice is too deep to be Brett's manager, the Commish.

COMEDY/TRAGEDY LINEUP

Because second-guessing is at least 24% more accurate than first-guessing.

Very few coaching decisions could have tipped games in the other direction, with winning teams generally having the lion's share of bench points as well. The decision to start the Lions DST rather than the Jaguars proved to be the wrong move for the Pontoon Boats, but Gangstalicious would have blown the Boats out of the water by starting Philip Rivers and Brian Leonard anyways. Complicating Drago's decision on Sunday was the fact that he claims to be a Lions fan, but owns a Sean Taylor jersey.

Injured players this week are not eligible for the following lists, and there were several zeros, but special attention needs to be given to the Straw Hat/Soul-Ja Boi match-up where not only did Ades get nothing out of Joseph Addai, but had it shoved in his face by Kenton Keith posting the week's top point total while starting for his opponent. That's a topic better explored by Hartman's weekly recap. I don't care when your birthday is Mike. Happy Birthday.

Like last week, Comedy players sat on their respective benches, while the Tragedies hurt more than they helped in the starting lineup.

TRAGEDY
QB: Jon Kitna, Danger Monkey, 10.0 pts.
RB: Shaun Alexander, Sweet Tangy Limes, 6.25 pts.
RB: Larry Johnson, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 5.75 pts.
WR: Terrell Owens, El Che y los Guerrilleros, 3.0 pts.
WR: Roy Williams, Danger Monkey, 4.5 pts.
WR: Randy Moss, The Straw Hat Brigade, 5.5 pts.
TE: Alge Crumpler, The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes, 1.0 pts.

COMEDY
QB: Phillip Rivers, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 39.75 pts.
RB: Brian Leonard, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 22.0 pts.
RB: Ron Dayne, The Straw Hat Brigade, 14.5 pts.
WR: Donte Stallworth, Your Mom's Balls, 15.25 pts.
WR: Devery Henderson, El Che y los Guerrilleros, 15.0 pts.
WR: Arnaz Battle, The Rape Stand, 10.5 pts.
TE: Desmond Clark, Danger Monkey, 13.5 pts.

Week Four Recap

Week Four Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

With the season heating up faster than Travis Henry’s vaporizer, team managers are going to be forced to make some serious decisions over the next few weeks. Some teams that had early season success may not have the rosters to carry them to the playoffs. On the other hand, teams that got out to slow starts may be one or two small moves away from becoming contenders. The bye weeks and short rosters are starting to generate some serious trade action and make waiver wire pickups all the more important.

Of course, the big story this week was the absolutely abysmal scores thrown up by a few teams. Last week Your Mom’s Balls became the first team this season to finish with a weekly point total of less than 100. The Pontoon Boats and trade-wizard Evan Schmitt joined the club this week as did Kimbo Slice, whose quarterback situation is starting to get truly depressing. The performances were terrible in the truest sense of the word as these two teams failed to even break the 66-point mark. This seems especially horrific in light of the fact that Tony Romo finished with 56 points all by himself. All I can say is that if a team fails to break the 50-point mark at any point this season, it will be more pathetic than when Kennedy used to shave his chest in college.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winner in caps).

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (146.25) @ Soul-Ja Boi Records (133.75)

The game was nearly-tied after Sunday and it came down to Thomas Brady vs. Carson Palmer and Kenny Watson on Monday Night Football. Mr. Brady performed sublimely and powered the Sundaes to their first win. LT finally got on track with 132 yards and a touchdown, although team manager Mike “Fritz” Hartman is still expecting a lot more. In the end, it was Tom Brady and Hartman’s brilliant move of picking up the Seahawks defense for the week that brought the team to victory. Although it was the Sundaes first win of the season, they are currently eighth in the power rankings and have outscored five other teams. On the other hand, the Records continue to be broken. Due to injuries, team manager and Aramark-visor spokesman Robert Frederickson was forced to start Correll Buckhalter (who actually had a nice day) and Kenny Watson (not so much) at runningback. The Records are still weak at wide receiver outside of upstart Dwayne Bowe. In fact, after the recent trade with YMB (more on this later), the Records wide receiver corps now consists of Dwayne Bowe, Chris Chambers, Santana Moss, Eddie Kennison, and, um, … that’s it. God help you little buddy.

Kimbo Slice (58.25) @ SWEET TANGY LIMES (123.25)

Kimbo Slice is in some very real trouble. Third-round pick Mark Bulger has been one of the biggest busts in fantasy football this year. He has been benched by the Rams, but not before putting up a measly 5 points in week five for Kimbo Slice and team manager Evan Herring. Only two players on Slice’s roster broke the 10-point mark this week and one of them was DeAngelo Williams who had 5 total yards rushing but was saved by a receiving touchdown. At least Lee Evans got back on track this week and Reggie Bush got some rest on his bye. That said, Clinton Portis now appears to be pretty banged up, leaving Slice with a decimated roster. The Limes, despite a less-than-stellar performance, move to 3-1 and take sole possession of first place in the Amber Division. Team manager Rickles Gittles does face an uphill battle, however, possibly losing Marvin Harrison to injury and still not having a solid quarterback. Gittles, if you need inspiration this season, we have two words for you: Danielle Sheer.

THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (147) @ El Che y los Guerrilleros (138.25)

One of the closer games of the week found Jon “Jonny HIV” Ades’s Straw Hat Brigade narrowly triumph over commie-pinko-leftist-liberal Eriq Keentsull and the Guerillas. All I can say is that Mr. Ades hit fantasy gold by picking up Daunte Culpepper off the waiver wire for the week. Will Culpepper become the permanent starter in light of Drew Brees’s collapse this year? It probably doesn’t even matter anyway, since Randy Moss continues to light it up each and every week. The only problem that the Brigade seems to be facing is the injury bug, as Joe Addai and Lamont Jordan both went down this week and the Brigade only has Tatum Bell and Ron Dayne sitting on the bench. For the Guerillas, it was a very tough loss especially considering Santonio Holmes’s big day. Interestingly, Keentsull decided to start an injured Calvin Johnson who responded by sitting on the bench and giving the Guerrillas a nice fat goose-egg. It really made no difference, however, as Isaac Bruce’s 2.5 points wouldn’t have helped much anyway. The big story is that it looks like the Guerrillas are going to lose Travis Henry because he couldn’t stay away from the sweet cheeba. See…this is what happens when you let a kid with dread-locks run a fantasy team. Unless Sammy Morris can continue to put up big numbers, this could be the beginning of the end for the Guerrillas who are currently tied for first in the Nut Brown Division.

YOUR MOM’S BALLS (154.25) @ Yossarian Lives (148.25)

The Balls win! The Balls win! Like the Sundaes, Your Mom’s Balls and team manager Jeremy Gilman notched their first win this week, taking down the Commish and Yossarian Lives. The difference? A 7.75 point performance by super white-boy Wes Welker on Monday night. Gilman should thank his lucky stars that he started Patrick Crayton over Donte Stallworth because he wouldn’t have come close to beating the Commish without his 41.5 point day. This week wasn’t all puppies, ice cream, and roses for the Balls however, as Caddilac Williams went down for the season with a knee. Commissioner Matlin couldn’t lead his team to victory but did get nice games from the rejuvenated Brett Favre and the Bears defense. What he really needed, however, was a better day from Ronald Curry who finished with only 1.5 points. Yossarian Lives is still in second place in the Amber Division, but the Commish isn’t happy. He has imposed a team-wide media blackout after some of his players reported being psyched out by the Weekly Recap. What a bunch of pussies.

Pontoon Boats (65.25) @ THE RAPE STAND (161.25)

After masterminding last week’s 6-player trade with Danger Monkey, the Boats manager Evan Schmitt showed that the Boats were who we though they were. Here’s what we wrote last week:

“Although the Boats are currently second in the power rankings, we predict the run ends here. He just lost Deuce for the season and Steven Jackson for at least a few games and traded away his second best receiver. This week at running back he’ll be starting underachieving Ced Benson and Kevin Jones against the Bears’ D. Good luck asshole.”

Although the trade didn’t actually hurt the Boats this week, the lack of depth at running back did. The Boats also suffered from having a black quarterback, because as we all know, black quarterbacks have to try harder and Donovan choked this week under the pressure. It should also be noted that the Broncos defense laid the goose-egg this week…good thing the Boats traded away the Pats D last week! In a complete contrast, League Intern Paul Kennedy and the Rape Stand surged to first place in the Nut Brown Division and are tied for first in the power rankings despite only being 3-1. Rape Stand quarterback Tono Romo nearly outscored the Boats entire team. In fact, Kennedy could have won just by starting Romo and the Cowboys D. Fart.

DANGER MONKEY (127.75) @ The Gangstalicious Resurection (119.75)

In another close game, Danger Monkey and manager Sethadiah Pruss improved to 4-0 and the Monkey is now the only team to remain undefeated. On the losing end, the Resurection looks like another team suffering from QB woes and manager Emilio Pabon will probably start Matt Schaub from here on out. It would have been nice if Rusurection tight-end Ben Watson could have caught a touchdown as he did in the first three weeks, as that would probably have given the team the win. Although the Resurrection is 1-3, a look at their roster shows them to be one of the deeper, more well-rounded teams in the league and they may start to turn it on now that byes and injuries are starting to make an impact. On the flipside, although Danger Monkey started the season on fire, on paper the team looks a little weak. The runningback corps is inconsistent and a lot will depend on whether Jesus is smiling upon Jon Kitna in a given week. The next few weeks will show whether the Monkey can stay on top.

NEWS & NOTES

First of all, I don’t know how this escaped us here at the Weekly Recap, but we should quickly shed light on a trade that occurred a few weeks ago between Soul-Ja Boi Records and Kimbo Slice. Slice got Lee Evans and the Records got . . . DeShawn Wynn. Seriously Robbie? Lee Evans looked to be getting back to his game this past week, and DeShawn Wynn has been doing a nice job adjusting his athletic supporter on the Packers’ bench. This trade may end up having some serious implications down the road.

Of course, we had a big trade this week also involving the Records. This one is a little confusing. The Records get Warrick Dunn and Kenton Keith and the Balls get Ahman Green and Amani Toomer. As we already noted above, the Records’ receiving corps was already weak and now they lose Toomer. That part of the trade is certainly a head-scratcher. Warrick Dunn certainly hasn’t been anything special and Kenton Keith is a backup. Green has actually been decent but was injured last week. So let’s call the Dunn/Green trade a wash. If the trade boils down to Toomer for Kenton Keith, we have to say that Mr. Robert is the big loser here. Keith may get a start or two with Addai’s injury, but the Records have no receivers and would be fine at running back after this week with the return of Rudi Johnson. Robbie, we love you, please take your hand off the trade button. It’s enough already.

More trade news…Rumor has it that Guerrillas manager Eriq Keentsull has been less than easy to deal with for managers inquiring about the availability of Sammy Morris. Karma bitch. Keentsull may now be on the begging end now that Travis Henry’s season appears to be over. He won’t be able to start Morris as his number two back for the rest of the year if he hopes to win, and his only other option is Chester Taylor. We predict it won’t belong before he’s knocking on some managers’ doors asking for change.

On the managerial end, we’ve heard through the grape vine that Monkey manager Sethadiah Pruss has been asking other managers for lineup and roster advice prior to the Sunday games despite his undefeated record and top spot in the power rankings. This was his same strategy for the draft, telling other teams that he didn’t know what he was doing. We here at the Recap think he is just being a crafty weasel. Like the goalie shot in Foos, you never see him coming. Other managers are starting to rethink their decisions to help the Monkey with roster management. We shall see how it affects the rest of the season.

That’s it for this week…thanks for all the contributions and keep ‘em coming.

Bigtime-crest out!

WEEKLY PRESS CONFERENCE: The Rape Stand

Thanks for coming folks, Coach Kennichick will make his opening statement, and then take questions from you all...
Thank you all for your patience this week. Being involved in the Monday night game has given us a short week to prepare, and time for talking has been limited all week. Great win this past weekend against an opponent we really didn't have any respect for going into the game. We expected to win , despite everything the 'Guru' has had to say this year, and figured that Cedric Benson and Kevin Jones wouldn't put up much of a fight. It was difficult to not have Westbrook out there, but Ronnie Brown looked like he was playing against Mississippi State, and Tony keeps on being Tony. Questions?...

Coach, wasn't it a bit of a gamble to leave Brian Westbrook in the lineup?
Yeah, and that's definitely a move that could be second-guessed if Pontoon Boats had put up a fight. Going into Sunday, if there was anyone available in Monday night's game to be picked up as insurance, we would have brought them in, but when it came down to gambling with Brian or putting Julius "Post-Concussion" Jones in the lineup at 1:00, we had to go with our star.

So, what happened?
Well, all indications are that Brian wanted to play, so I'm putting this one squarely on the shoulders of Andy Reid. I can only assume he was busy bailing his son out of jail in the hours leading up to the game, rather than listening to his star running back. You can't have it both ways, you know? Sometimes you have to make choices in life, and when it comes down to football or family, we separate the winners from the losers. Bill Belichick has alienated and ignored his entire family over the last six years, and three rings and a divorce later it's totally worth it. Andy Reid should take notes. As Sun Tzu said, "If he sends reinforcements everywhere, he will be everywhere weak." Pick a side Andy, we're at war here.

What has happened to Ronnie Brown over the last two weeks?
Ronnie Brown is a badass. Anyone who played NCAA Football 2005 realizes that Brown was the heart of that Auburn team, not the Porcelain Cadillac. Cam Cameron worked with LDT, he knows you have to get the ball into your best player's hands as often as possible, and on an offense that features Trent Green, Marty Booker, that's going to be Ronnie more often than not. Dan Marino's not walking through that door despite Dr. Bigtime's nightly bedtime prayers. Oh, and we got Ronnie on a pretty good "pharmaceutical" plan.

Is Tony Romo the most relaxed guy in the League?
Now that Tom Brady has to worry about his ex-girlfriend pulling the single-mom, guilt card on newsstands around the country, yes. Carrie Underwood would never have pulled the goalie on Tony. That's low.

Who had a tougher week: Pontoon Boats, or Barry Bonds?
Until Drago's former mistress gets naked in Playboy and simultaneously gives eyewitness testimony about how steroids shrunk his testicles, I'm going to give that one to Barry. Worst. Week. Ever.

We know you're a baseball fan, care to pick a winner in MLB?
I'll take the Mets. I still believe.

Did you have anything to do with Clinton Portis' injury?
Next question...

You're an underdog for the fifth consecutive week according to the Guru, this week against Yossarian Lives. Do you use that as motivation?
Our bulletin board can't handle any more material. The whole thing is covered with Calvin and Hobbes cartoons and Sudoku puzzles. That Bobby Engram is such a show-off.

Do you have any prediction for your match-up with Der Commissar?
My prediction? Pain.

Shat of the Week

This is a new running feature which we're calling "Shat of the Week." We hope to shed light on one interesting (and for at least one team, incredibly frustrating) weekly statistic. And let's face it, it gives us a perfect opportunity to make fun of Drago this week. Your Shat of the Week:

Week 4:

Giants D/ST (free agent): 48 points

Justin Fargas (free agent): 33.5 points

Pontoon Boats: 65.25 total points

Kimbo Slice: 58.25 total points

Quite a rough week. Look for another new feature exposing the true stories behind the La Resistance Football League team names.

-Bigtimecrest Out

FIRST QUARTER PRO BOWLERS

Through four weeks, here are the top performers at each position in the League. Honorees will be presented with an IFC Academic Cup from 2002 stained by constant usage as a beer pong water cup.

QB: Tony Romo, The Rape Stand, 183.5 pts.
RB: LaMont Jordan, The Straw Hat Brigade, 110.0 pts.
RB: Ronnie Brown, The Rape Stand, 109.0 pts.
WR: Randy 'Effing' Moss, The Straw Hat Brigade, 120.5 pts.
WR: TJ Houshmandzadeh, Sweet Tangy Limes, 94.0 pts.
WR: Chad Johnson, Kimbo Slice, 92.2 pts.
TE: Antonio Gates, El Che y los Guerrileros, 66.5 pts.
K: Adam Vinatieri, Pontoon Boats, 41.0 pts.
DST: Vikings, Gangstalicious Resurrection, 101.0 pts.

COMEDY/TRAGEDY LINEUP

Because second-guessing is at least 86% more accurate than first-guessing...

Pretty good coaching all around this week, with only a few bench spots having the potential to tip games in the other direction. Gangstalicious Resurrection's decision to start Philip Rivers over Matt Schaub cost him a victory.

Soul-Ja Boi Records would have cranked (see what I did there?) out a win if Roethlisberger and Derrick Ward had started in place of Carson Palmer and Kenny Watson. The lack of faith in the Giants running game shown by Robert Frederickson III, Esq., opting to start a backup against the League's best defense instead of Ward, is a bad sign for the New York Football Giants, who might actually be better off with Willie Randolph coaching the team (too soon?).

Like last week, Comedy players sat on their respective benches, while the Tragedies hurt more than they helped in the starting lineup. Justin Fargas, and the Giants defense are excluded as they weren't on a league roster this weekend.

COMIC
Matt Schaub............QB.....Gangstalicious Resurrection......41.25 pts.
Sammy Morris.........RB.....El Che y los Guerrilleros........26.25 pts.
Jamal Lewis.............RB.....Gangstalicious Resurrection........19.75 pts.
Jerry Porter.............WR.....Pontoon Boats...........18.50 pts.
Mike Furrey.............WR.....Danger Monkey...........14.50 pts.
Muhsin Muhammad..WR.....The Straw Hat Brigade..........12.50 pts.

TRAGIC
Mark Bulger.........QB.....Kimbo Slice....................5.00 pts.
Thomas Jones........RB.....The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes.....9.00 pts.
Jerrious Norwood....RB.....Kimbo Slice....................6.25 pts.
Terrell Owens.......WR.....El Che y Los Guerrilleros......4.50 pts.
Joey Galloway.......WR.....Pontoon Boats..................0.50 pts.
Marvin Harrison.....WR.....Sweet Tangy Limes..............0.50 pts.