Week Six Recap

Week Six Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S

Hoooooooooooly shit. After taking it in the keister from the Balls this week, Pontoon Boats manager Evan Schmitt has broken his self-imposed email embargo this week to contact the Recap and issue a direct challenge to Commissioner Matlin and his team,
Yossarian Lives. Fed up with what he feels is unfair treatment from the Commissioner’s office—as well as abuse of his personal relationship with the Commish—Schmitt has decided that this week’s matchup between Yossarian and the Boats should have some extra bragging rights on the line. Thus, Schmitt has issued this challenge: if the Boats lose, their name will be changed to the “Trojans,” but if Yossarian loses, the Commish must change his team name to the “Wolverines.” Here, is the challenge directly from the horse’s mouth (or fingers or hooves or whatever horses would type with):

“I am breaking my vow of silence . . . . [I] consider the upcoming game with matlin a grudge match and if i lose will change my team name to the Trojans, if I win however Nate must change his team name to the Wolverines. This is the gauntlet I throw down via [the] update since I will no longer speak to nate directly because he is a traitor and he broke my x-box.”

The Recap thinks that the challenge should be slightly amended and that the Boats should be forced to change their name to “John David Booty’s Monster Cock Magic” if they lose, but we’ll leave that up to the Commish if he decides to accept. This should add an extra special element to this week’s games, and here at the Recap, we welcome more personal challenges in the future and are happy to serve as a conduit.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

SWEET TANGY LIMES (209.75) @ The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes (192.5)

We must start of course with the game of the week. The battle between the Sweet Tangy Limes and the Sundaes not only sounds delicious, it did in fact bring the Kaboom in the form of a score-fest. The match looked to be an early runaway victory for Rickles Gittles and the Limes as Adrian Peterson officially emerged as a fantasy stud with his 224 yard, 3 touchdown performance. But, the Sundaes fought back with a monster 4-touchdown day from LT and an even more impressive 5-touchdown day from Tom Brady, whose throwing prowess this season is only matched by his super-sperm. Like any great fantasy battle, the winner would be determined by the Sunday night game and Monday Night Football. On Sunday night, neither team got a lot of help. Shaun Alexander was disappointing for the Limes and the Seahawks Defense and Special Teams once again crapped their pants for the Sundaes. Marques Colston did finally get on the board with a touchdown, but it was his only catch of the game…and was for two yards. Facing a deficit heading into MNF, the Sundaes had to hope that Roddy White could have the game of his life and that Eli Manning would be Eli Manning. Though White put up a valiant 4 catch, 64 yard game, Manning proved to be too much throwing for 300 yards and 2 touchdowns. His 3 turnovers weren’t enough to offset the otherwise impressive performance. Manning may just be the tangiest lime of them all.

The Sundaes are really at a loss this season. The team has put up the fourth most total points in the league and would have beat everybody this week except the Limes and those resurgent Balls. Unfortunately, only the Boats have had more points scored against them than the Sundaes. Sundaes’ manager Mike “You Can’t Handle the Truth” Hartman attributes the team’s 2-4 record to bad scheduling, and will have to get on track this week against the Guerrillas without the help of LT. The Sundaes also just found out that Javon Walker will be undergoing knee surgery, which will be a huge loss for the next few weeks. On the other side, the Limes now have a solid lead on first place in the Amber Division and Gittles can finally stop regretting his second round pick of Peterson. Maybe he should start regretting his first round pick of Alexander.

Kimbo Slice (109.25) @ THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (133.75)

Jonny T-Cells and the Brigade quietly moved to .500 this week with a solid 24 point victory over the reeling Kimbo Slice. Slice just looks cursed this year. Manager Evan Herring chose to start Kurt Warner at quarterback. On the bright side, Warner completed 100% of his passes. On the not so bright side, he only threw 2 passes the whole game before leaving with an elbow. Vince Young, his bench option, also left the game with an injury and only scored 8.5 points for the week. Already weak at quarterback because of Marc Bulger’s disappointing season, Slice will need help from elsewhere if the team hopes to rebound. The Brigade is still hanging tough in the Oatmeal Stout division and for this week at least, the Brigade got the better end of the Tory Holt-Lendale White trade. White ran for 64 yards and a touchdown and the Brigade got three touchdowns from Braylon Edwards and a nice rebound performance from Drew Brees. Jonny T-Cells told the Recap he plans to celebrate the victory by purchasing a submarine. “It’s the next logical move for me,” he said. “I’m going to paint the front like a shark head . . . fuck yeah.” The Brigade gets the Limes next week in another battle between former A710 residents.

Soul-Ja Boi Records (109.5) @ EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (135.25)

The Records continue to baffle the Recap. After a nice win in week 5, the Records and Robert Winchester Remington Frederickson V returned to form and put up one of the lowest point totals of the week. Carson Palmer and the Ravens Defense put up nice days that bookended the miserable performances of every other member of the Records’ starting lineup. The Records got 12 total points from its running backs (including a 1 point performance from Rudi Johnson). And, as League Intern Paul Kennedy rudely explained in a column earlier this week, starting wide receiver Santana Moss scored negative points. We’ve been dogging the Records’ receiver corps for weeks and it appears that the criticism has been warranted. Perhaps Chris Chambers’ change of scenery will provide a spark for the Records’ but we here at the Recap predict that he is actually going to be worse playing for the Charges.

The Guerrillas are now tied for first place in the Nut Brown Division. There was some question this week on whether the Guerrillas are rightfully the sole owner of first place as they have previously defeated the also 5-1 Rape Stand. Manager Eriq Keentsull got pretty fired up about this and other issues this week:

“In all of your eyes no patruli oil smelling hippie should even be playing fantasy football. In addition, my team has been getting lucky and that will probably soon come to a halt. However, at this point in the season i believe i deserve to be in the same breath as the top 2 if not considered number 2. Week 2 saw El Che put it in the back side of the rape stand, so by head to head i technically should be 1st in our division. Now it gets ugly. No love, not cool!”

Patruli? Whatever the case, Keentsull is right that his team has been getting lucky. This week he got touchdowns from Jason Wright and Lance Moore, 83 yards from Chester Taylor, and a solid day from Damon Huard. Will the Guerrillas find luck again against the Sundaes this week? And what about the rumor that Keentsull is thinking about bringing the also oddly-smelling Jay Hadden on as Director of Player Personnel?

YOUR MOM’S BALLS (192.75) @ Pontoon Boats (156.75)

Your Mom’s Balls are on fire! Mark it three in a row Dude. MJD is officially relevant again in the fantasy world and the Balls’ decision to start both Donte Stallworth and super-white boy Wes Welker was genius. The latter two along with Tony Gonzalez put up nearly 90 points. Yep, they were the three hugest Balls this week. The Balls put up the second highest point total for the week, but still have put up the second-fewest total points for the season so we are a bit dubious that the winning trend continues. The Boats droped to 2-4. They really didn’t have a bad week; it just follows a trend of the Boats meeting opponents on their big days. The Boats have had a whopping 1,017 points scored against them after six weeks, which is by far the most in the league. As we noted before, this week’s match up against the Commish will be huge and right now the Guru has the game as a coin flip. The Recap has been hard on Mr. Drago so far this season, but for the sake of his mental health, we wish him luck this week.

Yossarian Lives (107.25) @ DANGER MONKEY (117.5)

Danger Monkey and manager Sethadiah Pruss got back to their winning ways this week but certainly didn’t deserve it, scoring only 117 points. It was a low-scoring affair all around and it eventually came down to Plax Burress and Brandon Jacobs taking the Monkey to victory on Monday night. Perhaps Yossarian was looking ahead to its grudge match this week with the Boats or perhaps the Commish should have thought about starting Matt Hasselback against a weak Saints defense instead of Brett Favre. Favre returned to 2006 form against the Redskins, who possess perhaps the best safety tandem in the league. Anyway, since this game was pretty boring, the Recap will use this time to commend Sethadiah Pruss on his contributions to the league this week. For starters, he corrected our Sega Dreamcast comment (we mistakenly referred to the Dramcast’s predecessor, Sega Saturn). He then put Keentsull in his place and got to the bottom of the rules for determining division winners. He is now spearheading the rule amendments for next season. He also made peanut butter rice krispie treats for the rest of the league managers. Kudos Pruss! The Commissioner’s office is currently in talks to appoint Pruss as Chairman of the Rules Committee.

Gangstalicious Resurection (107) @ THE RAPE STAND (148)

The Rape Stand continues to roll along with all its rapey goodness. Ronnie Brown is turning into an absolute monster and Brian Westbrook had a nice game as well. Throw in a surprisingly good day from Bobby Engram and consistent performances from the rest of the roster and it was an easy victory for manager Paul “Sweet Titties” Kennedy. It’s a huge matchup for the Stand this week against Danger Monkey (both teams are 5-1) and the game will begin to shake out the playoff picture. For the Resurection, it wasn’t such a great week as the team put up the lowest point total for week six. Looks like the Recap was wrong this week as the Resurection’s deep roster didn’t help the cause of victory on game day. The Resurection will need a very strong performance this week against the Balls to salvage the season. The Recap predicts a Resurection victory primarily because we think manager Emilio “Badelio” Pabon will be fired up after Pruss questioned his familiarity and aptitude with the internet. Watch out Pruss, you might catch a shiv this week.

NEWS & NOTES

Here at the Recap, we regularly observe that there are some rules that aren’t written, but nonetheless carry the full ambit of the law. One of these rules is simple: a team or its manager CANNOT choose their own nickname. The controversy has recently come up because some managers have begun to refer to League Intern Paul Kennedy’s team, the Rape Stand, as the Rapists. Kennedy would prefer, “The Stand,” or “The Stands.” The latter is just stupid and we certainly haven’t heard anyone calling them that. If the people say they’re the Rapists, then they’re the Rapists. Sorry brosef; should have thought of that before you picked that retarded name.

Speaking of rules, there is much ado in the LRFL about rule changes for the offseason and next year. Number of keepers, keeper system, home field advantage, and playoff schedule are just some of the rules at issue. The Commish has also suggested setting up a formal gambling ring for league wagers, which makes the Recap ask how many managers have actually paid their league dues so far? The Commissioner’s Office needs to get on top of this, as the Recap won’t support a gambling system until the League’s finances are in order.

Still on the rules tip, the Recap would like some suggestions for how to handle those teams that end up in the bottom half of the standings. Traditionally, draft order is determined from reverse standings, but this may give an incentive for teams to tank. The Recap likes a “Toilet Bowl”-themed idea where the team that finishes in last place has to suffer some infamy as a result of their putrid season. The Recap suggests that the last-place team has their name determined by the league for the following year and also is responsible for planning the end-of-season festivities, which by-the-way, the Recap also heartily supports. Any chance to get a drunk Drago and drunk Commish in the same room at the end of the season sounds good. Anyway, feel free to forward along suggestions on how to handle (a) tanking, (b) the draft order, or (c) end-of-year party. All proposals will be forwarded to the Rules Committee for examination and general farting.

Finally, the word on the street is that the formerly tubby, burned-out playboy, Matthew C. Baldwin has been looking into applying for a LRFL franchise in 2008. A Baldwin-led franchise would probably add some weclomed tomfoolery to the league, although Mr. Baldwin does have some things going against him. First, he would probably name his team “Vaginal Discharge” which is amusing, though extremely disgusting. Commissioner Matlin explained the second hurdle Baldwin faces: “Motherfucker didn’t even RSVP to my wedding.” We shall see what unfolds.

That’s it this week. Please send all questions, comments, black-and-white cookies, spicy griblets, Booey wraps, and pictures of team managers to League Intern Paul Kennedy.