Week Five Recap

Week Five Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

So we all know what the big news was this week, right? Of course! Gittles won a dog named Laddie at a truth-telling contest two towns over!

Oh…not that news. We must be referring to the mysterious 10-point shutout bonus instituted by Commissioner Matlin this week. On Sunday afternoon, team managers received word from the Commissioner’s Office noting a seemingly innocuous point change in the battle royale between the Brownie Kaboom Sundaes and Kimbo Slice. Sundaes manager Mike “Napoleon” Hartman though something was fishy and phone calls to other team managers revealed similar concerns. “Ten points seemed like a lot for a bonus,” Hartman said, “and it was something I would have noticed in the rules. I thought at first that I might just have been distracted by the Pontoon Boats’ selection of Adam Vinatieri in the ninth round.” The Sundaes filed an immediate protest at league headquarters.

As it turned out, there was no 10-point shut bonus on the books. Rather than correct the error, a heated debate ensued on whether to adopt the bonus, thereby making it retroactive to the beginning of the season. The controversy grew during the second half of the Sunday night game between the Cowboys and the Bills. Kimbo Slice emerged holding onto a 9.75 point lead factoring in the extra ten points received from the Steelers’ shutout of those pieces-of-giraffe-crap Seahawks. The bonus would, thus, determine the Sundaes-Kimbo Slice winner. The Commish eventually put the rule to league vote. Revealing his legal genius, Danger Monkey manager Sethadiah Pruss weighed in on the matter. “I agree that rules is rules,” he wrote. “If someone still has the original email w/ the rules in it (it is not posted on the website) I think that should be dispositive. If it says 10 pt bonus, 10 pt bonus. If not, not.” Brilliant.

The Commish eventually determined that the poll was futile; he would strike down the bonus and leave the issue to the offseason. “This Kinkos is driving me mad,” the Commish said in his follow-up interview. “All the employees staring at me all day . . . I can’t take much more of this [insert sound of bong gurgling].” Despite absolutely lackluster days from Thomas Jones, Bernard Berrian, and Alge Crumpler, the Sundaes emerged with a .25 point win and kept themselves out of the basement, at least for another week.

Fellow manager Rickles Gittles of the Sweet Tangy Limes was happy for the Sundaes, but was even more impressed with his new dog Laddie. “Some call it the dog that never sleeps,” Gittles said, “though it actually does...while jogging.” Sounds like quite the scrappy mutt.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (112) @ Sweet Tangy Limes (96.25)

There was little the Limes could do this week as byes and injuries kept manager Rickles Gittles from starting a strong lineup. T.J. Houshmandzadeh was on an off week and Marvin Harrison, nursing an injury, sat out for the Colts. But that didn’t stop Gittles from starting the latter ball-catcher as he had no other options on the bench. The Limes couldn’t parlay big days from Derrick Mason and Antwaan Randle El into a victory and failed to get above the 100-point mark. Nevertheless, the Limes continue to sit in first place in the Amber Division but need to get on track. It was a nice win for the Guerillas, who moved to 4-1 and have a share of first place in the Nut Brown Division. It wasn’t a great day for the Guerrillas (Santonio Holmes never played a down and put up the goose egg) but Antonio Gates and the Cardinals Defense were enough. In related news, Guerrillas manager Eriq Keentsull said this week that he will use the remaining money in the team budget for dread wax and huckleberry bushes.

The Straw Hat Brigade (73.25) @ SOUL-JA BOI RECORDS (139)

The Records remain the Jeckyl and Hyde of the LRFL. One week, team manager Robert Winchester Frederickson IV appears to be the naïve, wide-eyed visor-wearing freshman that showed up on the steps of the Kappa Sigma house some seven years ago. The next week, he appears to be the resolute former McDonald’s manager, taking it to the opposition like oreos take it to a McFlurry (hmmm…not sure they made those when Robbie worked there). This week, the Records got a monster day from Kenton Keith (or Keith Kenton as Robbie likes to call him) and it was enough to cement the victory. Of course, the Records got absolutely nothing from its receiver corps; as the Recap has been noting for weeks, the Records’ wild trading strategy has left its wide receiver group bereft of any talent. The Recap especially enjoyed the Records’ On-The-Block Update this week:

“Looking for a #1 WR

Offered:
* Dunn, Warrick RB ATL
* Buckhalter, Correll RB PHI
* Ravens, DST DST BAL
* Roethlisberger, Ben QB PIT
* Ward, Derrick RB NYG”

Shocking! The Records are looking for a number one receiver. Speaking of which, the Brigade, desperate for a running back this week, traded away Tory Holt, no doubt a number one WR, to get Lendale White who had shown signs of promise in the last few weeks. It didn’t turn out so well for team manager Jon “T-Cells” Ades, as White put up a measley 4 points. To make matters worse, Ades started Joseph Addai and that had to watch in disbelief as his backup Kenton Keith got the start and paved the way for the Brigade’s loss. All we can say is Drew Brees better get on track or the Brigade is in for some real trouble.

Danger Monkey (117) @ YOUR MOM’S BALLS (120)

“Watch out, the Balls are going to hit this league right in the face!” These were the words of Balls manager Jeremy Gilman on the heels of a huge win against the formerly 4-0 Danger Monkey. MJD finally got in track with a 52-yard touchdown run and the victory wouldn’t have been nearly as narrow if the Balls started Donte Stallworth over Amani Toomer (who laid the goose-egg). Toomer has now failed to put up more than ten points for four straight weeks. It’s tough to say what prevented the Monkey from pulling out the win. Some attribute to the wild wheeling and dealing that manager Sethadiah Pruss has been guilty of since week one. A closer look, however, shows that the players Pruss drafted failed come through this week. Frank Gore and Jon Kitna had horrible days, and Pruss hopes that his recent trade sending Frank Gore to the boats for Steven Jackson will put him back on the winning track. Still, Danger Monkey has a comfortable two game lead in the Oatmeal Stout Division. Plus, he was really good at that Sega Dreamcast game Soul Calibur.

THE RAPE STAND (160.5) @ Yossarian Lives (148.25)

This one was closer than it looks. Going into the Cowboys/Bills game on Sunday night, Yossarian and the Commish were up and Rape Stand quarterback Tony Romo almost kept it that way, throwing five interceptions before leading the Cowboys and the Stand to victory late in the game. Paul “Hartman just got that Kennichick is a hybrid name of Kennedy and Belichick" Kennedy has guided the Stand to a share of first place in the Nut Brown Division and sole possession of the number one spot in the power rankings. It was a particularly tough loss for the Commish as Yossarian had a chance to tie the Limes for first place in the Amber Division. The Commish hopes his recent trade with the Guerrillas will get his team back on track. The trade will add rookie phenom Calvin Johnson to a reeling Yossarian receiver corps and a surprisingly strong Sammy Morris to step in until Laurence Maroney comes back. But, Yossarian will lose Marshawn Lynch, who has one of the best football names we’ve seen in a while. The trade looks good on both sides, much like a black and white cookie. Look to the cookie…look to the cookie.

Pontoon Boats (117.25) @ GANGSTALICIOUS RESURECTION (128.5)

The Recap predicted a Boats’ slide and it looks like it’s getting to manager Evan “Joyless Existence” Schmitt. Hoping to float the ailing Boats, Schmitt recently flipped out via email when a trade offer was rebuffed:

“So...you reject my trade offer huh? HUH? GODDAMMIT NATE YOU PEICE OF SHIT!!!! ITS ONNN!!! YOU HAVE DRAGGED THIS FRIENDSHIP THROUGH THE OUT HOUSE OF YOUR MIDWEST INTOLERANCE AND MICHIGAN BASHING LONG ENOUGH!! ARRRGGG!!! JUST WAIT UNTIL KEVIN JONES BLOWS UP...YOU'LL SEE..YOU'LL COME CRAWLING BACK! AHHRRGGHH!!”

We can learn two things from this email. First, nothing is safe from the Recap…we will get the dirt no matter what. Second, Schmitt is really starting to lose it. The recap must ask a question: if Kevin Jones is to indeed blow up, why the eagerness to trade him? Anyway, it was a nice win for the Resurection and team manager Emilio “the Dealio” Pabon who are looking to get out of the shitter in the Amber Division. The Recap predicted last week that a team with a deep roster like the Resurection would be strong down the road, and it looks like we were right at least for a week especially considering how many points the Resurection left on the bench.

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (115.5) @ Kimbo Slice (115.25)

We’ve already covered this game at length in the intro, so here’s an interesting part of an email from Rickles Gittles regarding the mysterious origin of the Sundaes’ name:

“Wow, both [explanations] are wrong I think, although the incident with george at the baseball game was priceless. it started when I used to go to uno’s with pruss because matlin worked there. matlin brought us that brownie sundae and it was amazing. I think I started referring to it as the brownie kaboom sundae and I probably went back with Kaplan and made matlin bring it for us every time because it was so damn tasty. Of course, the original line is from the rex banner episode of the simpsons when he didn’t touch his birthday kaboom sundae (a banana boat sundae with sparklers in them).”

A banana boat sundae? Now that that’s cleared up and since we don’t have much more to say about this game, how about another entertaining Pontoon Boats snippet?

“Offered:
* Jones, Kevin RB DET

Needs:
* Running Backs”

Um…pretty sure Kevin Jones plays running back.

NEWS & NOTES

Not too many rumors circulating this week, although there has been quite a lot of trade activity. The Recap didn’t see any trades so egregious this week to warrant our stinging analysis. Instead, we have one bit of intriguing info. There are currently only four teams in the league with winning records. There are several teams with 2-3 records, including 3 in the Amber Division (the Limes lead the division with a 3-2 record). All the teams in the Amber Division have total point scores within 60 points of each other and this will no doubt be one of the tighter races down the main stretch of the season.

That’s it for now. Please direct all inquiries, rumors, ideas, illicit drugs, used Japanese school girl panties, and circus peanuts to league intern Paul Kennedy. See you next week!