Week Seven Recap

Week Seven Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.
http://laresistancefootballleague.blogspot.com/

The Commish goes down! Or should I say, Jake Long’s Cock goes down! (Drago, that is the correct way to spell it…moron). Things were finally settled between Commissioner Nate “Smokey” Matlin and his previously named team, Yosarrian Lives, and Evan “Schmitter” Schmitt’s Pontoon Boats. The Boats took a narrow 3-point victory, with friendship and pride on the line. There was a minor controversy regarding the win and a suspect safety, but luckily Sethadiah Pruss, Chairman of the Rules Committee, stepped in and declared the Boats the victor. The Commish immediately manned up and changed his team name as promised. On the other side, Schmitt lifted his self-imposed media blackout in a less-than-triumphant manner. Here is the transcript from his “press-conference”:

“Listen...it's my job to coach the team so I'll coach the players I'm given. It's my job to make sure they are prepared for Sunday, I let the front office worry about who we put on the field. Right now I have to figure out how to beat the limes. Now, as far as the limes stealing play calls I'm not going to get into that. There is a commisioner of this league and I'll let him police it, right now I'm just focused on football.”

The other league managers were slightly confused by the ad-hoc press release and ultimately concluded that it was written by a four-year-old rhinoceros with down-syndrome named Pokey (see picture above right). Here at the Recap, we have some advice for the Boats: never, under any circumstances, take media relations advice from League Intern Paul Kennedy. Hopefully, Schmitt can right the Boats’ ship before his media campaign spins completely out of control…oh, wait…nevermind.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

Jake Long’s Cock (previously Yosarrian Lives) (112.5) @ PONTOON BOATS (115.25)

We might as well start with the big game this week. In truth, it was a bit of a yawner. Neither team topped the 120 total point mark and in my favorite bit of trivia this week, every other team in the league would have beaten BOTH the Cock and the Boats this week except for Kimbo Slice (shat of the week?). The Commish’s Cock is now hanging on by a thread at 2-5. He’s getting nothing out of Lawrence Maroney and the only other options on his bench at running back are the other Patriot ball-carriers. Chris Cooley catching one pass for 3 yards also isn’t going to cut it. Though the Boats are still afloat at 3-4, the Schmitter finds himself in a very tough Oatmeal Stout Division and the team has scored the second-fewest total points in the league. The Schmitter has now resorted to making panic moves, trading Jerricho Cotchery, who has been on fire, for Marques Colston, the early winner of fantasy-bust-of-the-year in the WR division. A quick look at the stats shows that Cotchery has caught nearly twice as many passes for twice as many yards as Colston. The Schmitter has also been trying unsuccessfully to trade Kevin Jones away, despite the fact that he easily outperformed both Frank Gore and Cedric Benson last week and most (if not all) fantasy analysts predict a big second-half of the season for Mr. Jones. “The Boats only want to sign the big names,” Commissioner Matlin said, “but who’s going to handle all those egos? Certainly not that Lurch-looking lanky-ass bitch.” Well said. Here at the Recap, we suggest that the Boats might want to look into a Co-Manager for next year.

El Che y los Guerrilleros (133.5) @ THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (162.75)

After the immensely disappointing loss to the Limes last week, the Sundaes responded valiantly and took the ugly stick to the Guerrillas. The Sundaes got the win despite getting no touchdowns from any of its wide receivers or running backs. Once again, third-round pick Tom Brady saved the day throwing for 350+ and six touchdowns. Kudos to Sundaes’ manager Mike Hartman for not panicking on Seattle’s DST after two awful performances. The Seahawks got their magic back, allowing only 6 points, forcing 5 turnovers, recording 7 sacks, and scoring a 91-yard kick return touchdown. Booyah! The Sundaes are now third in the power-rankings despite a 3-4 record and seem to be in the rise. On the other side of things, the luck finally ran out for the Guerrillas and team manager Eriq Keentsull. As you will all recall, Keentsull was complaining last week after the Guerrillas were not included in a discussion of the league’s best teams. Funny how these things work themselves out. The Recap was amazed to learn this week that the Guerrillas are currently carrying only one quarterback on their roster: Damon Huard. Wow…seriously? Huard couldn’t take the pressure this week, putting up only 12.5 points. Santonio Holmes (quickly becoming a favorite of the Recap) and Terrell Owens each caught a touchdown but there was no way the Guerrillas were getting out of the Huard hole. The Guerrillas fell to 5-2, second place in the Nut Brown Division. We’re pretty sure Keentsull feels Your Mom’s Balls on the back of his neck.

SOUL-JA BOI RECORDS (152) @ Kimbo Slice (110.25)

The Records inconsistency is starting to become predictably consistent. No doubt we just blew team manager Robert Winchester Frederickson V’s mind. What the Recap means is that it’s reasonably assured that the Records will follow up every dismal showing with a strong performance, and vice versa. After getting stomped last week, the Records spun their way to a win and 152 total points. Though we miss Keith Kenton (aka Kenton Keith) on Mr. Robbie’s roster, he’s found another backup running back to carry him to victory. Yes, Kenny Watson shocked the fantasy world this week when he ran for 130 yards and three touchdowns (45.25 total points). Unfortunately for the Records, Carson Palmer has not played like the 15th-overall pick should. And, despite what Mr. Robbie says, his receiver “core” is still pure crap. If anyone thinks Kevin Walter’s day was any more than a fluke is sorely mistaken. For Kimbo Slice, there isn’t much left to say. There doesn’t seem to be any answer at quarterback or DST and at 1-6, it may be time to start thinking about next year.

Sweet Tangy Limes (117.25) @ THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (131.25)

Rickles Gittles needs to hit the panic button. Shaun Alexander is getting worse every week and it is starting to cost the Limes some sweet, tangy victories. Alexander could muster only 47 yards on 19 carries, and unless Adrian Peterson performs every week like he did in week 6, the Limes are going to be in some serious trouble. Eli Manning is still not playing well enough at quarterback and let’s fact it, he looks like a huge douche. Fortunately for Gittles, the Limes are in the absolutely putrid Amber Division, where 4-3 is good enough for first place. The Brigade continues to hang tough in the Oatmeal Stout Division, holding on to second-place with the win. Besides Randy Moss once again acting like a super-duper star, the Brigade’s lineup was fairly quiet, though Drew Brees is returning to consistent form and threw for 200+ and a pair of touchdowns. The big question for the Brigade is at running back. It was announced this week that Joe Addai would be sharing carries with Keith Kenton-Kenton Keith and Lamont Jordan hasn’t been the same as he was at the start of the season. Not to worry, however…manager Jon “Drug-Sniffing Dogs?” Ades’s brilliant move to get Lendale White should be paying dividends for the rest of the season. Anyway, it will be interesting to see if any bad blood remains between Gittles and Ades at the First Annual LRFL Conference on Recreational Activities, which convenes this weekend in Washington D.C. Hopefully things will have cooled off, but fellow attendants Mike Hartman and Sethadiah Pruss are ready with their tasers bro.

The Gangstalicious Resurection (160.5) @ YOUR MOM’S BALLS (169.25)

Those Balls are getting hot. That makes four-in-a-row for the Balls who also scored the highest point total for the week. Once again, the Patriots’ offense really helped the Balls out as Donte Stallworth and super white-boy Wes Welker went for a combined 189 yards and three touchdowns. The Patriots WRs, a decent day from Peyton, and a huge yardage day from Earnest Graham were enough, even with a goose-egg from Pat Crayton. The only question: where in the hell has team manager Jeremy Gilman been? The league has only heard from the reclusive manager once this year and league managers are starting to get worried that something is afoot. If the Recap had just won four straight games, we would certainly be proclaiming that our testicles were of larger girth and roundness than those of other managers. Hopefully Gilman will chime in soon or the Commish may have to send out a search party. The Resurection fell to 2-5 and retain a share of last place in the Amber Division. The team put up a nice point total this week, getting great games from Lavernersnreseus Coles, Andre Davis, and Reggie Wayne (Mr. Robbie, that is an example of a good receiving “core”). In fact, everything was pretty good for the Resurection except at quarterback where Matt Schaub left with an injury after throwing only 5 passes. It’s been that kind of year for the Resurection. The Recap still predicts a Balls-like run for the team at some point this season.

THE RAPE STAND (148.25) @ Danger Monkey (126.75)

This was supposed to be a game between powerhouses, but neither team lived up to the hype. The now 5-2 Danger Monkey didn’t get a whole lot from star receivers Plax Burress and Roy Williams. Most importantly, team manager Sethadiah Pruss must be wondering if Jon Kitna did something to piss off Jesus Christ, because he no longer appears to be willing Kitna to lights-out fantasy performances. The Rapists had a solid, if ho-hum day. No great performances outside of Heath Miller, but several good ones. Of course, the big news was Ronnie Brown’s season-ending knee injury. The 13th overall selection is currently leading the LRFL in total points among running backs, but that will now come to a screeching halt. The Recap doubts that Ladell Betts or Julius Jones can fill the jockstrap of Brown, so the Rapists may be in some trouble. Next week the Rapists get the surging Sundaes, and because of bye-weeks, team manager Paul Kennedy will have to trot out a less-than-stellar squad. On top of everything, Kennedy still hasn’t gotten the clue that the rest of the league thinks his weekly press conferences are pointless and getting in the way of all the other ingenious material on the league’s news website.

NEWS & NOTES

Not a whole lot to discuss this week. For starters, team managers PLEASE GO TO THE LEAGUE WEBSITE AND VOTE ON THE RULES POLLS. We need to get everything in shape so that the league’s legal counsel can begin drafting up all the paperwork.

Second, the Recap wishes a very happy 21st birthday to Kimbo Slice manager Evan Herring. We asked the Records to throw the game this past week, but Mr. Robbie can be a cock-smoker sometimes.

Third, if you want to know why the Commish’s former league (and current league for teams owned by Hartman, Pruss, Rickles, Ades, and Herring) sucks, just check out what the Commish of that league has been spending all his time on: http://www.heavy.com/video/28327#/channel/133525

That should cover it…again, team managers, please go to the league website and vote on the rule polls. Until next week, please forward any Tom Brady fatheads, sourpatch kids, karate headbands, and Kenny Loggins bootlegs to League Intern Paul Kennedy.