Welcome to the World's Greatest Fake Football Press Event, presented by Dunkin' Donuts. Coach Kennichick will begin with an opening statement before taking your questions.
Sorry folks, this is going to have to be a short session due to the fact that I'm actually planning a real press conference for 1:00 this afternoon and have to be on a flight to Boston about three hours after that. We beat a quality opponent this week, there's no denying that, and it was tense for pretty much all day Sunday since I didn't have any Internet access. Any time the Giants score 33 points and you know your opponent has Brandon Jacobs and Plax, you know you're in for a battle. Thankfully we came out on top because God apparently isn't on Jon Kitna's side anymore.
Coach, devastating news about Ronnie Brown, what does this do to your team?
What do you think it does to my fucking team Sal? We're screwed. Would you ask Tony Dungy that question if Peyton Manning was out for the year? No, of course you wouldn't. Ronnie was our workhorse, our star, and it's awful that his season has come to an end. I feel bad for the young man. But I feel worse about myself, because this is the type of injury that eventually winds up costing a coach his job.
What about Andre Johnson?
That little pansy keeps whining about not having "full range of motion" in his knee, and now he says he might not be back until Week 11. Well, you know what, I don't need you to have full range of motion Andre, I only need one motion, straight ahead. Rub some dirt on it and quit limping around the facility hoping someone feels bad for you and bakes you a basket of muffins.
You're in a tough spot this week with the bye weeks in addition to your injury problems, how do you plan to overcome?
Well, quite frankly, we're prepared to punt this week. If we were matched up with a shitty opponent, we might be able to battle through this and make a game of it, but the Sundaes are on a roll right now, and don't look to be slowing down. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, but Tom Brady is on pace to throw 12 or 13 touchdown passes this week. I met with my staff this week, and we considered not sending a full team out there, because of all the adds and drops we'd have to put together, and the buzzsaw opponent, but that wouldn't be fair to the competitive spirit of the League. We'll do our best, and see what happens.
Coach, what will it take to pull of a victory this week?
Funny you should mention that Peter. Earlier this week I mentioned that only an act of God would give the Stand a fighting chance this week. Obviously I was using a cliche, that's what coaches do, we give you cliches and you love us for it. Well, as it turns out, an act of God could actually keep LDT and the Chargers off the field for my opponent this week. Does this mean that God is a Rape Stand fan?
Of course it does.
Another League manager has been calling impromptu press conferences over email this week, any comment on that?
It's an insult. You can't just slap three sentences on an email and call it a press conference. It's embarrassing, but I'd expect nothing less from that particular manager. It's not fair to you, the media, and it's not fair to the League. Show some dignity, you know?
Josh Beckett. Great post-season pitcher? Or the greatest post-season pitcher?
Sox in six. Remember, before there was Rocktober, there was Soxtober.
Thanks for your time everyone. I'm sure Dr. Bigtime will cover everything in his Recap.
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