2010 LRFL Season Preview: Now with 30% More Poop References

The La Resistance Football League is back folks! It has been a busy and memorable offseason to say the least. The Triforce feat. Gittles led the push to raise league dues, Hartman avoided eating a dog biscuit or placing his hand in dog urine at the AAB (though there was an unfortunate mud incident), Gittles found a fifty dollar bill and a single on the streets of DC in consecutive days, Drago, Kennedy, and Keentsull all got engaged (to women), and, of course, Scantron (formerly the Jake Matlin Experience) released its major label debut, “No. 2 Pencils,” featuring the hit single “Blowies in Tel Aviv,” which was produced and mixed by Joe Epstein at Takoyaki Studios.

We are happy to report that the LRFL press office foresees a big return this year, hopefully with steady recaps and some quick hit columns that are sure to enthrall and delight. To get things off to a good start, we present the 2010 LRFL Season Preview, containing predictions (which will most likely all be wrong) and commentary (which mostly involves inside jokes that only three owners will get) that we hope will put everyone in the fantasy spirit before the draft on Sunday night. Last year we introduced each team with an esoteric gchat quote that, while entertaining, probably left most scratching their heads. This year we are introducing each team with an esoteric quote from Season 8 of the Simpsons (the best season in our opinion). Without further ado:

FAITH + 1 DIVISION

The Wiggle Jiggles
Owner/GM: Eriq Keentsull
Last Season: 11-2, won the whole shebang.

Keepers: Andre Johnson (1), Maurice Jones-Drew (1), Desean Jackson (5)

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[Homer dramatically reveals his wooden chili spoon.]Lenny: [whispering to Carl] They say he carved it himself... from a bigger spoon.

From “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer” (Episode 9)

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We chose this quote for two reasons. First, after winning the championship two out of the three years that the LRFL has existed, Keentsull has become somewhat legendary. His team never looks particularly strong after the draft, and then BAM BOOM, he’s hoisting the cup. Second, the quote comes from an episode of the Simpsons that features Homer consuming mass quantities of psychedelic insanity peppers. We only know one person who looks like he’s both capable of growing them and like he’s probably eaten one too many in his day.

The rest of the league better hope Keentsull is high on insanity peppers going into 2010 because he annihilated the league in 2009. The Keentsull-led Wiggle Jiggles were solid right out of the gate, going 3-0 in division play including an un-possible 212 point Week Two annihilation of the Pills. The Jiggles dropped a pair of games in mid-season, including a mind-blowing 80+ point loss to Hartman in Bird Form in Week Six, but the team didn’t look back after that. Keentsull’s 2009 keepers helped (Andre Johnson and Philip Rivers put up a good amount of points), but so did Keentsull’s trade skills. He swindled Larry Fitzgerald from Hollywood Hogwash for a fourth round pick in the 2010 draft and MJD from the Pills for his 2010 first overall pick (which translated to a third rounder) and other associated crap. The end result was an unstoppable roster that cruised to the championship despite the team’s dependence on solar power and lack of indoor plumbing.

We’re sure you’re asking yourself, “self, surely all this wheeling and dealing will cost the Jiggles in 2010?” Unfortunately not friends. Keentsull managed to keep two first round talents in Johnson and MJD and while we think Desean Jackson is overvalued for a 5th, there’s no doubt that he’ll make a contribution as a #2 receiver. The only joy the league will get out of Keentzull’s moves is that he won’ t have a pick until round six, and he’ll have to execute an amazing draft strategy to pull a solid #2 RB, a solid QB, and a solid #3 WR in the later rounds. Nevertheless, the Jiggles have ruled the Faith + 1 Division for years, and as with Keentsull’s t-shirt, we don’t see a change in the near future.

Biggest Plus Factors: intimidating reputation; formidable roster going into draft; cicadas in dreads won’t be surfacing for another 7 years.

Biggest Minus Factors: probably can’t swindle other owners this year (besides Matlin); Desean Jackson injury likely right around the corner; recent engagement means no more sleeping with Lady Hartman’s cousins.

Suggested Team Names: Heady Brosevelet; Strawberry Alarm Clock; The Insanity Peppers.

Prediction: We see nothing but continued domination. Keentsull goes 10-3, takes championship for a third time in four years.

Lunch Money
Owner/GM: Paul Kennedy
Last Season: 7-6, defeated the Pills in the second round of the Bizzarro Playoffs

Keepers: Drew Brees (1), Cedric Benson (7), Sidney Rice (15)

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Luanne Milhouse: Okay, Kirk, I'll tell a story. It's about a man whose father-in-law gave him a sweet job as manager of a cracker factory.

Homer: Bo-ring.Luanne: A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence...

Homer: Ooh, here we go!

Luanne: ...sent the number one cracker factory in town into a tie for sixth with "TableTime" and "Allied Biscuit."

From “A Milhouse Divided” (Episode 6)

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Last year, Owner/GM Paul Kennedy managed to take Lunch Money from defending champion status to near Toilet Bowl participant, essentially placing him among the TableTimes and Allied Biscuits of the LRFL. He also managed to lose the LRFL championship trophy to his d-bag former roommates, a move that simply can’t be tolerated.

Lunch Money started off the season with a solid win over the Pills, but then dropped three consecutive games including a loss to the Douche Chills by less than four points. After that, Lunch Money was on the ropes all season, ultimately getting tossed from the playoff hunt in an excruciating 0.42 point loss to eventual champion The Wiggle Jiggles. What went wrong? To begin with, Lunch Money could never establish a solid running back rotation. Pierre Thomas looked to be a golden keeper going into 2009 (costing nothing in the draft) but early injuries kept him from making a solid contribution. Although Cedric Benson proved to be a diamond in the rough, Laurence Maroney, Justin Forsett, and Kevin Smith do not a champion make. Another problem with Lunch Money’s 2009 was a simple case of wrong place at the wrong time. Teams seemed to come up with a big week whenever they played Kennedy’s squad. The Douche Chills put up 152 in that narrow Week Two loss, Hollywood Hogwash came with nearly 156 in Week Four, and the Limes put up 178 points to edge out Lunch Money by 8 points in Week Six. The final problem? Rumor has it that in addition to his new duties with the Chicago Blackhawks, Kennedy also was hired as Joakim Noah’s personal bong caretaker. Between arranging gems such as Beard Night at the United Center and making sure Noah’s 3-foot inside-out glass headpiece was in optimal condition, Kennedy may not have had time to put a winning game plan together.

Of course, now it’s 2010 and Kennedy is more comfortable with his duties outside the LRFL. The hopefully renamed-by-then Lunch Money will enter the draft with an already solid roster. Drew Brees may have been a stretch for a lost first rounder, but he probably wouldn’t have been there when Kennedy picks in the second. Cedric Benson presents good, not great, value at the cost of a 7th round draft pick and will likely be Kennedy’s #2 running back early on in the year. Saving the best for last of course, Kennedy kept Sidney Rice and gave up only a 15th round pick. Rice emerged last year as a top-15 wide receiver (and those are hard to come by) and even with some injury concerns, Rice is an unbelievable steal. Kennedy can focus on running back in the second round and will be able to fill in his receiver corps nicely over the other early rounds. The big question is whether Kennedy’s team will be able to take the division over the Wiggle Jiggles, who have tormented the Faith + 1 Division with their good looks and farming skills. Kennedy, for one, is confident: “If I can find success as the fourth assistant to the assistant to the Under-Secretary of Public Relations on a Stanley Cup-winning hockey team, then surely I can find a way to send that smelly hippy back to his Wookie home on Endor.” We got news for you buddy, getting one over on the Jiggles is tougher than planning a ticker-tape parade. Also, why would a Wookie live on Endor?

Biggest Plus Factors: keeper value (though we also said this last year); pooped in Stanley Cup.

Biggest Minus Factors: tough division; Rice could be flash-in-the-pan; nearly fired after ill-fated Dress Like Lady Gaga Night.

Suggested Team Names: The Rice Rockets; Cedric Benson Booze Cruise; The Abe Fromans (suggested this last year but still good).

Prediction: This was our prediction last year: “Lunch Money proves to be a one-year wonder, regresses and falls to 7-6, and misses out on the division championship based on head-to-head with El Che.” Nearly spot on aside from the fact that the Jiggles (then El Che) easily won the division. Kennedy’s team slightly improves this year, going 8-5 and losing the division to El Che on tiebreakers. A first-round playoff exit awaits.

Douche Chills
Owner/GM: Matt Katz
Last Season: 4-9, defeated Lunch Money in the first round of the Bizzarro Playoffs

Keepers: Brandon Marshall (4), Knowshon Moreno (6), Vernon Davis (15)

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[Rex Banner suspiciously eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]

Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?

Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged!

Rex Banner: (To Eddie and Lou) He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in! [Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy] Are you the Baron?

Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.

Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby!

Comic Book Guy: "Tubby!?" (looking at his ample gut) Oh, yes. "Tubby."

[Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]

Homer: Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?

Banner: (not noticing) None of your business!

From “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment” (Episode 18)

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To Douche Chills GM/owner Matt Katz, our resident reporter, who has refused steadfastly to contribute to this league’s most propitious press office in spite of investigatory skills that far exceed Rex Banner. Indeed, several other owners have continually called into question the commitment of Katz to the LRFL since he joined its ranks in 2008. These concerns appear to be well-founded after Katz’s performance last year. He made the interesting choice to keep Reggie Bush and sacrifice his first rounder. He skipped the draft and let conspiracy theorist Jacob Matlin run his war-room while he was eating schwarma in Israel. He closed the year with Anthony Gonzalez on his roster for no discernable reason. And, most importantly, he stumbled to a 4-9 regular season record that cemented his reputation as a fantasy amateur. The 2009 season wasn’t all Katz’s fault, however. Like Lunch Money, the Douche Chills seemed to go head-to-head with other teams when they had big weeks. The Chills lost in Week Four and Week Five despite putting up, respectively, 159 points and 166 points. Additionally, Katz was forced mid-season to sink a large portion of his team’s payroll into his house located in the Anderson Yards neighborhood of Philadelphia after he discovered that his electricity was coming from a mouse-wheel in the basement and his plumbing was made of a series of interlaced Twizzlers. Commissioner Matlin had no comment when asked if he ever tried to eat said plumbing.

The Douche Chills have a new look and a gleam in their eye heading into the 2010 LRFL season. Katz’s keepers present fairly good value, although we have questions about Brandon Marshall’s ability to avoid the South Beach lifestyle that has claimed so many. If Knowshon Moreno can stay healthy (and so far he has been anything but), the second year player could put up some major points as Katz’s #2 back. Katz also has enormous value in Vernon Davis at just the cost of a 15th round pick, although Davis, a perennial team cancer, is certainly no guarantee. Beyond his keepers, Katz also has a few other advantages up his sleeve. For one, he hired his cat, Shmelvis Katz, as a special assistant to the Douche Chills coaching staff. Reportedly, the decision is paying off—morale is up and the whole organization has learned how to poop in the team litter box. Another advantage, of course, is that Katz has the first overall pick in the draft and will have a lot of options in front of him. He can snag a #1 running back in Ryan Grant or a high-scoring quarterback in Peyton Manning, or he could complement Marshall’s talents with one of the many big-play receivers that will be draft-eligible. Of course, Reggie Bush will be there and Katz’s hipster leanings might force him to make a pick that would be semi-ironic. It will certainly be exciting when the Douche Chills are on the clock.

Biggest Plus Factors: first overall pick; Shmelvis Katz on staff; survived Afghanistan; super-thick-framed glasses will help Katz see screen better on draft day (lots of squinting in 2008).

Biggest Minus Factors: poor draft history; little cachet in being foremost expert on Camden, NJ; wife told him he looks like Rachel Maddow.

Suggested Team Names: Kabul Bar Mitzvah; The Swarming Schwarmas; Maddow Men

Prediction: The Douche Chills get better, but they can’t rearrange the hierarchy of the Faith + 1 Division. We see a 6-7 regular season and a first round victory in the Bizzarro Playoffs for the second year in a row.

Brett Maker’s Pill Extravaganza Bonanza
Owner/GM: Jeremy “Gittleman Jr.” Gilman
Last Season: 2-13, Toilet Bowl Loser

Keepers: Santonio Holmes (6th), Darren Sproles (9th), Jets D (N/A)

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Bart: I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.

From “The Canine Mutiny” (Episode 20)

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This pains the Recap as his Kappa Sigma Big Brother and, by all accounts, his wise mentor, but these are the franchise’s results over the first three seasons of the the LRFL:2009: 2-13, last in power rankings (loser of Toilet Bowl)2008: 3-12, second to last in power rankings (lost first round draft pick for failing to pay league dues on time, loser of Toilet Bowl))2007: 7-7, seventh in power rankings (team name was Your Mom’s Balls)Stating the obvious, Gilman’s franchise has been horrible since the inception of the LRFL and has gotten worse each year. Not to be outdone, Gilman has started off the 2010 season with a high-pitched wet fart, attempting to keep the Jets D, a defense that wasn’t even on the team’s roster. Even without this lapse of cognitive function, Gilman would still have the worst keepers in the league as he held onto the suspended Santonio Holmes for a sixth-round pick and backup Darren Sproles for a ninth-round pick. In other words, Gilman sacrificed two mid-round picks for players that will not likely be starting for him until after the first round of division play. Hence the above quote from our good friend Bart Simpson. At this point, it’s pretty clear Gilman isn’t trying. The league just hopes he’ll try to try.

We won’t even bother with recapping the Pills’ sorry 2009 campaign, though the highlights were the Pills’ 110-point Week Two loss to the Wiggle Jiggles and the Pills’ laughable 72.7 effort against the Day-Walker Dojo in Week Eight. Needless to say, Gilman has taken over for FFHB owner Bobby Frederickson as the least-trusted manager in the league. Pills fans hope he can right the ship and with six picks in the first five rounds (including the second overall) perhaps he can. But, it’s going to take a lot to climb to the top of the division over defending champion the Wiggle Jiggles and the always dangerous Lunch Money. We smell a third consecutive trip to the TB and it sure doesn’t smell good.

Biggest Plus Factors: can’t be worse than 2009; Santonio Holmes has huge member.

Biggest Minus Factors: probably will be just as bad as 2009; Darren Sproles has tiny member similar to Japanese people.

Suggested Team Names (if Gilman had option): Preemptive Blackballs; The San Antonio Santonio Big-Cocks; Toilet Bowl Lake House

Prediction: The Pills, or whatever they end up being called this year, continue to bottom feed, eking out a few surprise wins on the way to a 3-10 regular season. Serious questions abound about viability of franchise in the 2011 offseason.

CHILI CON CARNIVAL DIVISION

Sweet Tangy Limes
Owner/GM: Eric “Rickles Gittles” Gittleman
Last Season: 10-3, lost to Hollywood Hogwash in the second round of the playoffs

Keepers: Adrian Peterson (1), Dwayne Bowe (4), Alex Smith (15)

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Kirk Milhouse: Singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.

Homer: The one down the hall.

Kirk: Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you?

Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

Kirk: Oh. Yeah.

From “A Milhouse Divided” (Episode 6)

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This quote goes to Rickles Gittles, primarily because he’s the newest owner/GM to shack up with his lady-friend and sell his race-car bed. But, more poignantly, the Limes’ season had a certain pathetic quality about it despite the amazing regular season record. The Limes went 10-3, but failed to crack the top half of the power rankings as they amassed the fourth lowest point total in the league. The Limes’ roster was also downright ugly. Gittles ended the season with six running backs on his squad, leaving the team with a miniscule group of receivers featuring Roy E. Williams. Keeper Steve Slaton and first overall draft pick Darren McFadden (yes, you read that right) brought little, if anything, to the table. Not even Gittles’s long-time crush Kurt Warner could save this team. So how did Gittles rack up all those wins? In contrast to Lunch Money, the 2009 Limes seemed to hit every team when they were at their worst. DEVO Dance Party and the Pills put up sub-100 point efforts in the losses to the Limes, and Danger Monkey and the Douche Chills each barely cracked 100 points in their respective losses. Six of the Limes’ wins came by a combined 31 points (that averages to just over a five-point margin per win). In short, what looked like sweet, tangy limes were really bitter, shriveled-up lemons. It was no surprise when the Limes got destroyed in the playoffs after their week one bye, scoring only 91.87 points against Hollywood Hogwash.

The Limes’ 2010 season looks to be picking up where their 2009 season left off. There’s no way getting around the fact that Gittles’ keepers are atrocious (not that he had much to choose from). Adrian Peterson is of course a no brainer – although there are questions about him losing goal-line carries due to fumbles – but the Limes just aren’t getting any value with Dwayne Bowe at the cost of a 4th rounder. While the Chiefs may be throwing more this year with new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis, they also have several targets who could be fighting for the ball. Then there is the curious case of Alex Smith. In an apparent episode of over-thinking strategy, Gittles sacrificed a 15th round pick to keep Smith for his potential as a #2 QB. While the cost was low, this also means Gittles is sacrificing his ability to spend a sentimental pick in former QB/man-crush Kurt Warner in the 15th round. Also, Smith is a Mormon, and Gittles may be invoking the wrath of Warner, which you never want to do. On the bright side, Gittles will have the first pick of the second round and he can hope that a #1 WR will still be sitting there. Other than that, there’s not too many bright spots for Gittles heading into 2010, although one source reported that Gittles sold his bed to a real nerd, much to the amusement of its former owner. Gittles is also excited that he no longer has to hide his key under a rock in his front yard. Booyah!

Biggest Plus Factors: goes into season with at least one certified stud in AP; insane luck finding money on the street; makes a mean hoison-short rib pizza.

Biggest Minus Factors: questionable keeper strategy; bad draft position; Gittles will soon run out of restaurants to go to in Tampa.

Suggested Team Names: The More Sweet, Even-Tangier Limes; Sorry It’s Not in Packets (thanks Commish); The Black and White Cookies

Prediction: It pains us to say this, but we think the walls finally come crashing down on Mr. Gittles and his merry band of Limes. Those keepers are just too bad and the Limes’ bad draft position will be too much to overcome. We’re calling a 4-9 regular season with a potential TB appearance.

Hollywood Hogwash
Owner/GM: Nathan “The Commish” Matlin
Last Season: 7-6, lost the championship to the Wiggle Jiggles

Keepers: Chris Johnson (3), Chad Henne (14), Jamaal Charles (15)

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Doug: Uh question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

June: Uh, well, uh...

Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar].

From “The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show” (Episode 14)

The Commish has had a lot of time on his hands this season to think about a championship that could have been. Unfortunately, he’s mostly spent that time watching television, regularly updating other league owners about the latest plot twist in the current episode of Futurama or Christopher Lambert’s ability to pull off an American accent in Highlander. Our ginger friend’s time would have been better spent figuring out why his team struggled so much in the regular season, despite scoring the most points in the league.

Matlin went into last season with great keepers (Larry Fitzgerald for a 4th, Peyton Manning for a 5th, and Chris Johnson for a 7th) and they did not disappoint. Johnson was easily the best running back in the league and Manning and Fitzgerald put up consistent numbers. Per the usual, however, Matlin was unable to assemble a roster through the draft that performed on a week-in, week-out basis and despite regular eye-popping performances from Johnson, Hogwash spent the first half the season below the .500 mark. Like he did in 2008, the Commish panicked, threw in the towel on his season, and made one of the all-time boner trades, sending Fitzgerald and Ahmad Bradshaw to the Jiggles for a combo platter of Julius Jones (blegh), Jerricho Cotchery (double blegh), and the Jiggles 2010 fourth round pick. Shockingly, after the trade was made, Hogwash went on a three-game winning streak (including besting Hong Kong Drago Schmidt in the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl) and cemented a wildcard birth with a three point victory in Week 13 against the FFHBs (this is known as the Jon Ades “Fall Ass Backwards into the Playoffs Move”). Building on the late season momentum, Hogwash edged out DEVO Dance Party in the wildcard round and then decimated the Limes in the semis. Matlin’s team eventually fell back to earth in the championship, succumbing to the Jiggles in a gut-wrenching loss in the championship. Matlin’s dream of a heated apartment through the winter quickly fell by the wayside.

The Commish hopes 2010 won’t be plagued by the same inconsistencies as last season, when Hogwash was either scoring big totals or failing to show up. CJ2K makes another appearance on the Hogwash roster, the likely first overall pick costing just a 3rd rounder. While this surely gives Matlin an advantage heading into draft night, his other keepers do not. We are still scratching our heads at the Chad Henne pick (what is it with this division and keeping subpar QBs?) and this looks like another case of an owner/GM outthinking himself. Henne likely could have been had off the waiver wire in any given week, so he presents little value at the cost of a 14th rounder. While we really can’t take issue with Jamaal Charles at the price of a 15th rounder, he will be time-sharing with Thomas Jones and isn’t a bona fide #2 RB as of yet. Additionally, because Hogwash has sacrificed its 14th and 15th round picks, Matlin may bite the bullet and take a kicker in the 12th round (Hogwash loses its 13th rounder because it has two 4th rounders). Unfortunately, this won’t beat the Douche Chills’ record for earliest pick spent on a kicker, as Katz’s draft assistant took Stephen Gostkowski in the 11th round last season. In any event, Hogwash’s season will really be left to the Commish’s draft skills which have belied him in the past (our favorite being his draft at the Phoenix Kinko’s branch two seasons ago). Hogwash does have four picks in the first four rounds (and CJ2K of course), so anything is possible. The Commish will be drafting at the new Hartman compound just a few blocks away from the Douche Chills’ headquarters. Will the change of scenery be inspiring or will Katz’s fluorescent orange Neighborhood Watch vest be too distracting after a long day of drinking? Tune in Sunday night to find out.

Biggest Plus Factors: best RB in football for the price of Joe Addai; met David Alan Grier at restaurant; has bested wife 17 consecutive times at foos.

Biggest Minus Factors: Chad Henne; never met Tommy Davidson at restaurant, Tarantino moving to Chile.

Suggested Team Names: Stonehenge!; Highlander, the Team; Chad Henne’s Monster Cock Magic

Prediction: The Commish goes 8-5 regular season, takes the division, again makes the championship game, again loses, and again sheds many tears out of massive head.

Face Fucked Hannukah Bears
Owner/GM: Robert “Bobby” Frederickson III
Last Season: 7-6, lost to Wiggle Jiggles in second round of playoffs

Keepers: Ray Rice (2), Steven Jackson (4), Steve Smith (10)

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Homer: [gasps] Tom Landry's hat, and it's autographed. "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry."

Bart: Why don't you buy it?

Homer: I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. [gasps] Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!

From “You Only Move Twice” (Season 8, Episode 2)

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2009 brought a marked change for Bobby Frederickson and his insatiable FFHBs. The Bears were far better than their 2009 regular season record would indicate and for the first time in their brief history, the Bears joined the other luminaries of the league in the playoffs. Even Bobby had to be surprised at his finish in the top three of the power rankings, but indeed, he is now a guy like him. Bobby’s successes were primarily the result of a shrewd keeper and draft strategy aimed at combining a plethora of young talent with a solid veteran core. Bobby started things off right with keeping Ray Rice for a 10th (we stupidly questioned this move at the time), grabbed Steven Jackson for some RB insurance, and lucked out with the young receiver trio of Steve Smith (NY), Vincent Jackson, and Robert Meacham. Veterans Donovan McNabb and Hines Ward rounded out a team that, despite dropping the first two games of the year, managed to put up mucho points over the course of the season—in fact, the Bears topped the 150 point mark nine times in the regular season. Unfortunately, the Bears also lost three of those big-point games, which prevented Bobby from winning his first division crown. “I felt like Burger King,” Bobby said after his Week Thirteen loss to Hollywood Hogwash, “when all I’ve ever wanted to be is McDonalds.”

Will 2010 be the year of the Golden Arches for Bobby? Answer uncertain. The Bears go into the draft with Ray Rice, likely a top three pick, for just the cost of a second rounder. Undoubtedly, he provides a strong foundation to build off of. However, things get murky after that. It’s unclear how much value the Bears will get from Steven Jackson at the price of a fourth rounder. With Sam Bradford taking the helm of the Rams, defenses might stack the box. On the other hand, Bradford may look for Jackson underneath and out on the flat, which could lead to some big receiving totals. Bobby’s final keeper, the Giants’ Steve Smith, is also a mystery. He had a huge 2009, but it could easily have been a fluke and there a lot of guys on the Giants can haul in passes. Bobby did manage to keep his first round pick (which will be the sixth overall) and he can look for QB or WR talent early on. For some reason, though, we see Bobby messing this pick up. Last year Bobby seemed to have lady luck on his side in the draft and as we all know, lady luck is a cruel lover. Additionally, despite the luck and the major point total, the Bears only finished a game above .500. With Bobby’s nuptials taking place just a week after the draft, it’s quite likely his head will be somewhere else when he’s on the clock…hopefully we won’t see the first auto-draft appearance since Gittles had to help his dad with an emergency coal delivery back in 2002.

Biggest Plus Factors: Ray Rice; upward momentum; apparently abnormally large ass makes Bobby a good water-skier.

Biggest Minus Factors: Drago made that last observation.

Suggested Team Names: Big Mac Attacks; Team Rudi Johnson; Frank’s Gun Locker

Prediction: Bobby’s squad takes a slight step backwards, goes 7-6 but puts up less points and fails to secure a Wildcard spot.

Jesus Juice Junkies
Owner/GM: Emilio “Emo” Pabon
Last Season: 5-8, beat Hartman in Bird Form in the second round of the Bizzarro Playoffs

Keepers: Deangelo Williams (3), Rashard Mendenhall (7), Shonne Greene (13)

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Poochie: [rapping] The name's Poochie D, And I rock the telly. I'm half Joe Camel, And a third Fonzarelli. I'm the kung fu hippie, From gangsta city. I'm a rappin' surfer, You the fool I pity.

From “The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show” (Episode 14)

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For our very own Poochie, the mysterious JJJ owner/GM Emo Pabon, 2009 presented a fresh start after a disastrous 2008 campaign. The JJJ’s season opened up with a bang, with Emo guiding his team to a 4-1 start, including two division victories and a huge and narrow win over the Wiggle Jiggles. Unfortunately, much like Poochie, what started with great fanfare ended up in great shame. The JJJs only picked up one win after Week Five (a 2 point victory over the Daywalker Dojo) and dropped their last six regular season games. Not even Emo’s illustrious pony-tail (like a black version of Chris Jericho’s former do) could put a positive sheen on a season that saw JJJ drop to the bottom of the barrel in the Chili Con Carnival Division. It was a familiar story for Emo’s squad. Like years past, the JJJs struggled to get solid play from the QB position despite an above-average year from Eli Manning. Emo also dealt with a banged-up WR corps and despite loads of talent, Emo’s young RBs failed to produce a steady amount of points. It ended up being a lost season, leaving Emo back at the drawing board.

On the bright side, in the offseason Emo managed to frighten the bejesus of Rickles Gittles and his lady friend on the streets of DC by utilizing his Puerto Rican looks and shifty eyes. With one owner/GM already intimidated like a little girl, the JJJs might have a leg up on the competition. Adding to the JJJs’ potential in 2010 is the solid trio of young RBs that Emo brings into the draft. Rather than keep the veteran talents of Anquan Boldin, Reggie Wayne, or Steve Smith (Carolina), Emo chose to retain the services of DeAngelo Williams, Rashard Mendenhall, and Shonn Greene at the price of, respectively, 3rd, 7th, and 13th round picks. By doing so, Emo is set at the RB position and can concentrate on finding a #1 WR early on and, more importantly, finding the points-producing QB he’s always coveted. We do think a 3rd rounder is a little steep for Williams, but there is little doubt that he will be a solid part of a three-headed RB monster. As always, a lot will depend on what Emo does in the draft and many think that his pick in the first round will be pivotal in dictating the direction the draft turns. Many also think he will be pivotal in determining whether anyone freaks out the AAB, has to leave dinner to take a walk around the block, and subsequently burns a batch of taquitos at 2 in the morning. Exciting stuff!

Biggest Plus Factors: Pony tail; RBs with cool names; other owners’ lady friends fearful of, and simultaneously attracted to, mysterious Puerto Rican features.

Biggest Minus Factors: no one sure if Emo knows when the draft is.

Suggested Team Names: The Mofongos; Puerto Rican Chris Jerichos; The Udonis Haslems

Prediction: The JJJs semi-shock the world, go 7-6 and grab a Wildcard. The streets of San Juan erupt in celebration when Emo takes his team to the second round of the playoffs before exiting.

JESUS AND PALS

DEVO Dance Party
Owner/GM: Jonathan “Jonny HIV” Ades
Last Season: 10-3, lost to Hollywood Hogwash in the first round of the playoffs

Keepers: Tony Romo (4), Beanie Wells (6), Michael Crabtree (14)

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Marge: Now the cat needs his medication--

Homer: No problem.

Marge: --every morning and the furnace--

Homer: Can do.Marge: --has been putting off--Homer: Right.

Marge: --a lot of carbon monoxide--

Homer: Uh-huh.

Marge: --so keep the window open.

Homer: Gotcha - cat in the furnace!

From “Bart After Dark” (Season 5)

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The use of the quote is self explanatory, but especially reminds us of one of our favorite Jonny HIV anecdotes. Back in 2001, Ades was enjoying life in his apartment in the A Building of Columbia Plaza when he started experiencing some disconcerting phenomena. He reported being regularly tired despite sleeping for 10-12 hour periods at a time. His short-term memory was off. He got lost buying a pack of cigarettes in Virginia. While none of this was out-of-the-ordinary, it turned out that Ades had been living with a gas leak in his apartment for weeks.

What’s the point? The point is that Ades is unbelievably lucky. It is somewhat amazing that he never managed to blow up his apartment…no, not somewhat amazing, it is incredible. This luck seemingly spreads to every part of his world – whether it’s getting a free set of driving gloves with his purchase of a new helicopter or managing to go 10-3 in the 2009 regular season while being on the bottom half of the league in terms of point total. DEVO Dance Party had a formidable roster in 2009, but the team never reached its full potential. A 10-3 regular season was impressive, but few were surprised at the first round playoff exit. It’s hard to pinpoint the Dance Party’s problems, although they likely start and end with the team’s name, which is among the worst the LRFL has seen since the days of “Handjobs Are the Antithesis of What I Stand For.” Ades’s players just couldn’t get behind the name, and rumors abounded that by playoff time they had given up on the team. “I ain’t never heard of no Devo,” Dance Party’s RB Ryan Grant said, “and that creepy owl on Mr. Ades’s deck was giving me the heebyjeebies all year.”

Upset with his team’s playoff collapse, Jonny HIV cleaned house this offseason, making some surprising keeper choices in the process. Rather than keep Randy Moss (at the admittedly high cost of a 1st round pick) or Greg Jennings (at the seemingly low cost of a late 3rd round pick), Ades kept Beanie Wells and Michael Crabtree. Wells provides little value, costing the Dance Party the second pick in the sixth round, and while Crabtree certainly could exceed the output of your normal 14th rounder, he is an unknown quantity. We do think that keeping Tony Romo was a good move even if he’s no longer banging the voluptuous Jessica Simpson. Romo has looked good this preseason and he’s got a lot of weapons down in Dallas. The real question is what Ades will do with his first round pick, the 7th overall. Everyone knows that Ades covets Anquan Boldin, who may very well be sitting there when Ades picks. Nevertheless, Ades spurned Bird Form’s proposed trade that would have allowed the Dance Party to move up and lock down Boldin (reportedly the offer involved a pick exchange along with Ades’s new dog and his diamond-encrusted crab mallet). It’s that unwillingness to wheel and deal that may plague Ades this season and force the Dance Party back to the bottom of the division.

Biggest Plus Factors: Two years running of fantasy luck; food store running special on brie; Ades survived the gas leak incident.

Biggest Minus Factors: Let major WR talent walk away; “Whacko for Flacco” temporary tattoo starting to fade; Ades can’t stop secretly wearing purple Bart Scott jersey under his work clothes.

Suggested Team Names: Ades2B; Ades-burgers in Paradise; Ades n’ Stuff

Prediction: The Dance Party falls back to Earth, doomed by bad draft position and a more competitive division. 5-8 regular season, first round exit in the Bizzarro Playoffs, followed by Ades blowing lines of old bay.

Danger Monkey
Owner/GM: Sethadiah Pruss
Last Season: 8-5, lost to the FFHBs in the first round of the playoffs

Keepers: Calvin Johnson (1), Aaron Rodgers (3), Mike Sims-Walker (15)

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Ralph: [to Chief Wiggum] Daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you!

Skinner: Better start eating, kid!

From “The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase” (Episode 24)

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We had to throw this quote to the lone father in the LRFL, Mr. Sethadiah Pruss. Indeed, in 2009, Pruss was just a month or so into fatherhood and it clearly affected Danger Monkey’s season. Not that the season was so bad. Danger Monkey put up a solid 8-5 record in the regular season, scored the 4th most amount of points in the league, and secured a Wildcard berth. Yet, something was amiss. Pruss’s squad dropped its first two division games, including a humbling 80 point loss to then-titled Pontoon Boats, which was only salvaged with Danger Monkey went 3-0 in the second round of Jesus and Pals games. And, in spite of the record, none of Danger Monkey’s wins were particularly impressive outside of the 100+ point drubbing the team put on Bird Form late in the year. In truth, it was amazing that Danger Monkey put up the amount of points it did. One look at that roster, in its clear it was poo city. Pruss’s group of running backs included the hugely disappointing Matt Forte (who looked like a preseason gem), the aging Ricky Williams, the perennially underachieving Jerious Norwood, the subtastic Jerome Harrison, and the concussion-plagued brain of Brian Westbrook. Pruss’s WR group faired no better. Mike Sims-Walker was the lone bright spot in a corps that featured bust-of-the-year candidate Calvin Johnson, the injured Wes Welker, and the ball-sack that is Lee Evans. If it wasn’t for the twin talents of Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre, Danger Monkey would have been much worse.

Danger Monkey remains one of the biggest mysteries heading into 2010. Pruss has been a strong manager in recent years, but his keeper choices don’t necessarily inspire confidence. Calvin Johnson is probably not worth Danger Monkey’s 1st rounder (could have been the 7th overall) where bigger WR talents may have been available. Aaron Rodgers was a no-brainer, as he is predicted to be the highest-scoring QB this year, and no one can quibble with Mike Sims-Walker for a 15th. That said, several analysts see a down year from Sims-Walker as defenses are now aware of him and will key up accordingly. While Danger Monkey’s keepers present a small problem, even greater problems await. There is a swirling rumor that Pruss has sunk a good ¾ of his team’s payroll into Bonobos pants and polos, and that he may have an additional $1.7 million earmarked for the new line of cardigans expected out this fall (Limes owner Rickles Gittles reportedly has put in a similar offer in the neighborhood of $1.5 million). And, of course, we can’t forget that Pruss has been one of the most active GMs in the trade department in the past few years. While he’s yet to make a serious blunder, it’s only a matter of time before Danger Monkey ends up on the wrong side of a Lucky Pierre. Finally, other owners (and even some of the players) feel that Pruss’s franchise name has gotten stale. No one fears Danger Monkey anymore, even if he’s dressed like a ninja. Will Pruss cave and change it up this year? That is just one of the major questions hanging over the 2010 LRFL season.

Biggest Plus Factors: LRFL point system rewards gun-slinging QBs; New Scarsdale, NY team headquarters; bocce set finally good and broken in.

Biggest Minus Factors: Megatron = mega-disappointing; distance from Paul Smith; Quinn on verge of walking/talking, likely resulting in Danger Monkey taking Jemarcus Russell in the 9th round of the draft.

Suggested Team Names: Pitfall Chimpanzee; Jeopardy Gorilla; Peril Baboon

Prediction: Danger Monkey rides Rodgers to another 9-4 regular season record, but again fails to make the championship game after Rodgers gets caught up in torrid scandal with Leighton Meester.

Nunchuk Nate’s Day-Walker Dojo (formerly Pontoon Boats)
Owner/GM: Evan “Hong Kong Drago” Schmidt
Last Season: 4-9, beat the Jesus Juice Junkies in the first round of the Bizzarro Playoffs

Keepers: Frank Gore (1), Matt Schaub (5), Miles Austin (14)

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Bart: [calling from outside a window of his factory] Hey, Milhouse! You want a job in my factory?

Milhouse: You don't have a factory.

Bart: Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not?

Milhouse: Okay!

From “Homer’s Enemy” (Season 8, Episode 23)

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The funniest subplot of the offseason is undoubtedly Dojo GM/owner Hong Kong Drago’s appointment to the three-member Rules Committee. Throughout 2009, Drago was made to believe that membership on the committee was a thing to covet, when in truth it will result in nothing but scores of annoying emails and angry communications from owners about the minutiae of the league’s rules. Moreover, as the junior member of the committee, Drago will most likely find his participation limited to writing things down on a notepad at the AAB and tearing up the little pieces of paper that the attending GMs use to vote on new rule proposals. What a sucker! Of course, Drago is also responsible for the funniest subplot of the 2009 regular season, which was of course the insane amount of waiver wire fees the Dojo racked up over the course of the season. By Week 13, Drago owed the league office $27.50 (nearly double the second highest team total), including three separate $1 taxes for picking up and dropping a player within the same week. As we all remember, the waiver wire fee rule was created just for Drago, and he certainly did not disappoint in 2009.

A full paragraph and we haven’t said a word about the Dojo’s actual 2009 performance. What is there to say? Like years past, all those waiver wire pickups failed to amount to anything resembling a winning team. The Dojo finished with a 4-9 regular season record, including dropping the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl to the Commish’s squad. The Dojo finished in the bottom four of the Power Rankings, which was shocking considering that by year’s end the Dojo had the allstar talents of Tim Hightower, James Jones, Chris Brown, Marshawn Lynch, and Terrell Owens. The Dojo was also the first team that we can ever remember carrying two kickers and two defenses on its roster. In all honesty, had Drago not completely lucked out with Miles Austin, the Dojo was easily looking at a record that would have rivaled the Pills for worst in the league.

In 2010, it is likely that Drago will continue to cement his “league whipping-boy” reputation. Yet, we must say that we are impressed with Drago’s keeper selections. He did not have a ton to work with, and managed to come out with a #1 RB in Frank Gore (at the market value of a first rounder), a solid QB in Matt Schaub (slightly overvalued at the cost of a fifth rounder), and #1 WR in Miles Austin (with a tremendous value at the cost of a 14th rounder). We particularly like the Austin pick as he will not only be Tony Romo’s main man in Dallas but he will also celebrate each Dojo victory by planting his face firmly in Kim Kardashian’s ample backside. This is sure to give the Recap jokes throughout the year (not that Drago doesn’t do that anyway). Nevertheless, we still don’t see Drago’s squad having a good year. For starters, Drago will undoubtedly return to the “Pontoon Boats” moniker which has been one of the worst multiple-season names ever used. Drago also will likely make between two and six terrible trades during the course of the season which will decimate his team’s chemistry. Last, but certainly not least, there is that looming waiver wire fee and with league dues increased this year, Drago is going to have to watch himself. The league has hired Otis Matlin as it’s enforcer this year, and Drago doesn’t want to end up with any broken legs.

Biggest Plus Factors: Solid keepers for first time in franchise history; reportedly learned how to utilize the dreaded Kimura hold in the offseason; USC football transgressions temporarily take spotlight off of Michigan.

Biggest Minus Factors: Waiver wire tax; Kim Kardashian’s ass likely to distract Austin.

Suggested Team Names: The Ganglethors; The Rich-Rod Duffel Bags of Unmarked Bills; Denim Jacket Liberation Squad.

Prediction: Pressure from other owners causes Drago and his squad to crumble. We see a 4-9 regular season record and a trip to the Toilet Bowl.

Hartman in Bird Form
Owner/GM: Mike “Chicharito” Hartman
Last Season: 3-10, beat the Pills in the Toilet Bowl

Keepers: Tom Brady (2); Michael Turner (3); Jeremy Maclin (13)

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Homer: Hey, what's all that commotion outside? Why, it's one of those pretzel wagons the movie stars are always talking about.

Lenny: (gasps) Here? At our plant?

Homer: That's right, Lenny. Let's all give in to deliciousness--The Pretzel Wagon way!( Everyone cheers)

Homer: Yeah! Homer's right!

From “The Twisted World of Marge Simpson” (Episode 11)

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The only bright spot in Bird Form owner/GM Mike Hartman’s 2009 season was the bag of pretzels he brought to the AAB. The yeasty dough and sweet, spicy mustard helped to wipe away the bitter taste of a year that had many calling Hartman’s managerial skills into question. Looking back, Bird Form’s season was over before it started. Hartman chose to sacrifice his first three picks in the draft to keep Ladainian Tomlinson, Tom Brady, and Michael Turner. While Brady had a decent season, Tomlinson brought even less to the table than most expected, and Turner was out half the season with an injured ankle. Hartman’s keepers weren’t even close to his biggest problem though. Nope, the biggest problem was Hartman’s draft skills. In past seasons, Hartman was able to deftly navigate the draft, but it appeared that all logic and reason left his mind in 2009 in what can only be considered the worst draft by a team in LRFL history. Bird Form’s first pick was in the 4th round, and needing serious WR help, Hartman reached and took Bernard Berrian. He then followed this up with Kevin Walter in the 5th round (at this point, it was suspected that Hartman had been guzzling children’s cough syrup by the gallon) and Tory Holt and Lance Moore in the 7th. Hartman was able to net Jonathan Stewart in a trade, but overall, Bird Form came out of the draft with a roster with more holes than the plot of Avatar. It was with little fanfare that Bird Form sputtered to a 3-10 record (including two sub-100 point games) and an appearance in the Toilet Bowl.

In 2010, Hartman hopes to reverse his recent lapse of judgment and mount a serious challenge in the Jesus and Pals Division. Tom Brady and Michael Turner again make appearances on Bird Form’s roster and Brady has looked good in the preseason and Turner appears healthy. Bird Form also welcomes back Jeremy Maclin, who presents decent value at the cost of a 13th rounder if he can manage to stay healthy (his knee and shoulder say otherwise, causing further graying of Hartman’s hair). If Hartman can completely reverse his draft juju from a year ago, the 2010 incarnation of his squad might be a contender. Hartman will likely target WR with the third overall pick in the draft as that position has been his downfall over the last couple of seasons, although he is toying with the idea of drafting the first all-white WR corps in LRFL history. As Hartman noted in a press-conference last week, “when you have the opportunity to have Kevin Walter and Lance Moore on your team for two years in a row, you almost have to say yes.” Will Hartman once again over-think the draft in 2010, or will he return back to his mid 2000s form and vie for the division title? This is but one of the many questions that will be answered on Sunday night.

Biggest Plus Factors: healthy Turner; new team headquarters in southwest Center City; still controls the media.

Minus Factors: bad 2009 mojo; Bernard Berrian probably ending up on roster again; trouble reaching high cabinets in new facilities.

Suggested Team Names: The Reggie Cleveland Allstars; Runners in the Lane; Dog Biscuit Surprise

Prediction: Hartman’s team rebounds, goes 8-5 and takes a Wildcard spot. Falls in the playoffs when Brady’s knee, Turner’s ankle, and Maclin’s shoulder simultaneously explode.

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That’s it ladies and gentlemen. We bid you adieu and will see you Sunday night. Get the pigs ready!