The Commish's Points of Interest

A few point of interest and notes through Week 7:

1. Although the weekly recap seems dead, we certainly all wish Dr. Lynus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S. the best of luck in his new endeavors.

2. Last season, Pruss' hatred for his divisonal counterpart, Touchdown Ades, boiled over and he has now become the one thing he hated most - Touchdown Pruss. Although TD Ades' argyle sweaters do separate him from TD Pruss this Commish has found out through various league sources that they actually wear the same jeans. Coincidence, this Commish says no. Don't let Ades team name fool you, TD Pruss is the real Vader and has been mind-tricking his way through the season.

3. Current La Resistance Records Tied or Broken through Week 7...

- Longest Winning Streak - 7 (Danger Monkey, formerly 6 (El Che)

- Best Power Ranking - 36 (Danger Monkey, doesn't go any higher), formerly 35.5 (Lunch Money)

- Lowest Power Ranking - 3 (Hannukah Bears), fomerly 4 (Kimbo Slice, RIP)

- Most weeks of scoring the most points - Danger and Dark Side(formerly Straw hat brigade) tied at 4

4. For the first time in league history an owner has put his entire team on the trading block only to stir no interest. None of Robby's players will have any impact on the playoff hunt. The commish prediction is that the Hannukah Bears will continue to get fucked all season.

5. A fact brought up by Seth Pruss this weekend as his blackberry almost exploded. The matchup between HATAOWISF(Handjobs) vs. TNELHGK(Gingerkids) was and is the longest teamname battle in history.

6. THe Chili Con Carnival division, after entering three teams in the toilet bowl last season, has become this year's toughest division.

7. Only Robby has no shot of making the playoffs. Not since the inception of the wild card in baseball has something so exciting hit sports. With six teams able to make the playoffs the next six weeks of the season will make for some titillating football.

8. Sweet Tangy Limes has the toughest next three weeks...playing Douche Chills, Lunch Money and Danger Monkey in consecutive weeks. Ouch.

9. I was blessed with not having to play Pruss this season, while Erik Keentzull was screwed by not playing Robby.

10. Ludicrous Speed's owner Mike Hartman's only saving grace is his winning record, according to the breakdown, against fellow owner Evan "Sore-balls" Schmitt. 4-3...nice work Mike.

Game of the week... Lunch Money @ The Nearly-Extinct-Large-Headed-Ginger Kids

Most interesting... Face Fucked Hannukah Bears @ Pontoon Boats

Good Luck in Week 8!

-Commish

Week Three Recap (Now With 40% More Week Two Goodness)

By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

The 2008 LRFL season has finally started to heat up. We're talking about trades. We're talking about roster strategies. We're talking about good old fashion ass-whoopins. A few owners have sent out some pretty angry emails over the last few weeks and Commissioner Matlin continues to rule with an iron fist. Let's take a look at some of the more recent developments.

First, we would be remiss to not talk about the blockbuster trades that have shaken up the league. The first of the season, between perpetual trade machine Danger Monkey and perpetual bottom feeder Face Fucked Hannukah Bears, was scoffed at by most. It appears, however, that this trade could have a real impact on the league. The FFHBs and owner Robert Huntington Chesterton Frederickson IV were desperate for a running back after #1 overall pick Rudi Johnson assumed a backup role with the lowly Detroit Lions. Although Mr. Robby had little, if anything, to spare from his receiving "core," he used the inconsistent Roddy White to bargain for the Monkey's Julius Jones. For the Monkey and owner Sethadiah Pruss, White shores up what could be the best group of receivers in the league (White joins Wes Welker, Megatron Johnson, Hines Ward, and Eddie Royal). In Julius Jones, Mr. Robby has found a running back that can actually carry the load. Jones has already rushed for 312 yards and two touchdowns through 3 games, and that is without seeing significant touches in Week 1. Of course, the FFHBs now have a wide receiver "core" consisting of Dwayne Wayne Bowe, Isaac Bruce, and Laveranus Coles. Yep, just those three.

The next trade was the mega-swindle that went on between Ludicrous Speed and ... um, unfortunately, a backroom deal was made to never speak of this trade again. It involved three midgets, a quart of ether, a girl who may or may not have Taysachs, and a chimpanzee on roller skates.

Finally, at 10:29 pm (EST) on September 24, the year of our lord 2008, Pubes On Soap traded Andre Johnson and Kevin Smith to El Che y Los Guerrilleros who in return sent back Anthony Gonzalez and Thomas Jones. Eriq Keentsull and the Guerrillas were seeking an upgrade at receiver, while the Commish and his Pubes sought more security at running back than his crew of rookie upstarts were giving him. We can speak from experience, however, that Thomas Jones hardly provides security and this may be a panic move from the Commish after Kevin Smith started to lose carries to Rudi Johnson last week. It also must have been hard for the Commish to part with Andre Johnson after he stole him from the Pontoon Boats last year. We think we may have seen a few tears at the press conference.

The other major development that we should touch on is the never-ending series of player transactions by Drago Schmitt of Pontoon Boats fame. Since the Week 1 Recap, the Boats have added and dropped a whopping 38 players (thought that number doesn't take into account the players that have been added and dropped multiple times). We are most impressed with the fact that 6 of the Boats' add/drops have involved kickers. Our theory is that Schmitt plans to have every possible quarterback and kicker on his team at some point this season. This theory may not get a chance to play itself out, as Mr. Drago has possibly started to see the errors of his ways. In an apology letter to the league, Schmitt wrote, "I did not realize that I was limiting the player pool size because people I drop after Wednesday cannot be picked up for that weekend. The fact is I need to use the waiver wire because I've had quite a bit of mishaps at various positions." Mishaps? That's like taking a dump in your boss's lunch and calling it a mishap.

Before we get onto the Week 3 games, we think we owe it to our tremendous readership to do an abbreviated Week 2 Recap so here it goes:

Ludicrous Speed (103.25) @ DANGER MONKEY (190.5): In his first game of the post-Braday era, Speed owner Mike Hartman was hoping that Kurt Warner could emulate his fallen leader. Warner came through with flying colors but the rest of his team played like they all had torn ACLs. Tomlinson and Turner didn't even combine for 100 total yards, Marvin Harrison caught 1 ball, and Vernon Davis posted a goose egg. Sethadiah Pruss and Danger Monkey easily dominated on the way to the highest point total of the week. Calvin Johnson is officially a stud and our preseason prediction of Ludicrous Speed to take the Jesus and Pals Division already seems horribly incorrect.

Poorly-Named Team (Handjobs) (160.75) @ LUNCH MONEY (178.75): The Handjobs had a decent week two, but at the end of the day, manager Jeremy Gilman left too many points on the bench and could have had the victory by starting Tory Holt and either MJD or Lendale White. Lunch Money and owner Paulus Tiberius Kennedy continued his winning ways from 2007. The Packers Defense proved to be the deciding factor, putting two pick-6s on the board. Yahoo for Lunch Money.

SWEET TANGY LIMES (177.5) @ Gangstalicious Resurection (144.5): Rickles Gittles and the Limes got a solid week from their young running back tandem of Darren McFadden and Adrian Peterson. Tangy. The Gs are still searching for their identity and their troubles at the quarterback spot prevented them from contending for a win in week two. Owner Emilio Badilio Pabon needs to make some moves if he is going to ever make that resurrection happen.

PONTOON BOATS (138.5) @ ΔΣ (110): The Boats picked up a very important win, with what could be described as the worst starting lineup in LRFL history (Brian Griese, Ike Hilliard, Bryant Johnson, Moose Muhammad, and Jon Carlson?). The Giants Defense really bailed out the Boats (pun!) with 6 sacks and an interception returned for a touchdown. ΔΣ continued its struggles, again starting Javon Walker who failed to play. Randy Moss began to self-destruct in week two which hopefully isn't a sign of things to come for Jonny HIV.

El Che y Los Guerrilleros (123.75) @ DOUCHE CHILLS (149.75): This was a shocking upset. While the Guerrillas didn't have a bad week, per se, no one stepped up and carried the team. Braylon Edwards, in particular, sent a gift wrapped turd sandwich right to owner Eriq Keentsull's front door, which Keentsull then used to fertilize his organic garden. Matt "Oilcan" Katz and the Douche Chills claimed the surprising victory on the shoulders of Jay Cutler, who is the early leader for LRFL MVP.

PUBES ON SOAP (172.75) @ Face Fucked Hannukah Bears (84): In a slaughter, the Pubes overwhelmed the FFHBs primarily due to big games from Larry Fitzgerald, Desean Jackson, and Barndon Marshall. Even with an Anthony Fasano goose egg, the fiery Pubes easily won. It was another tough week for Mr. Robby and his FFHBs, as 5 total points from quarterback Carson Palmer are never going to get the job done.

AND NOW, on to the (Week 3) games (winners in caps).

DANGER MONKEY (117.25) @ Pontoon Boats (111.75)

Sethadiah Pruss and his Monkey didn't do anything special last week, coming up with just enough points for the victory. Pruss will have a tough time choosing between Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre week in and week out, and luckily, the 18 points he left on the bench in Favre didn't cost him. Pruss is now sitting at 3-0, on top of the Jesus and Pals Division, and so far has not made any ridiculous panic trades with Drago. Pruss's ace-in-the-hole appears to be Matt Forte, the youngster from Chicago who posted 33.25 points while sitting on the Monkey's bench (perhaps this is why Pruss is only 11th in the coach ratings). Supposedly Forte is off the table, but we think it's only a matter of time before Pruss hits the red button. For the Boats, after securing a week two victory, Mr. Drago's team returned to form. Willy Parker had a bad day and injured himself, and, shockingly, the receiver trio of Devery Henderson, Bryant Johnson, and Steve Smith accounted for only 137 total yards and no scores. Fortunately for the Boats, Ronnie Brown may be coming back in full force and Drago will have bargaining chips at the trade table. Wait, maybe that's not a good thing.

Douche Chills (123.25) @ POORLY-NAMED TEAM (HANDJOBS) (134.75)

Matt "Oilcan" Katz couldn't give the LRFL the douche chills in week 3. Jay Cutler had an off-day by his standards and lets just say that the Matt Jones era doesn't look good for the Chills. It also appears that Chad Johnson's attempts to become Chad Ocho Cinco have left him exhausted and banged up, and thusly, a non-factor for the Chills. The lone bright spot on Katz's team is Reggie Bush who appears to be finally coming into form. Katz probably needs to make some trades to get the Chills nice and Douched-up, but word on the streets is that he's scared of further humiliation. The Handjobs got a much needed victory to keep from remaining winless in 2008. More importantly, owner Jeremy Gilman has taken over as the angriest man in the LRFL with his tirades about the recently-ratified constitution. The former angriest man, Mike Hartman, bowed out of his position gracefully. As far as Gilman's team goes, they got the win, but it wasn't pretty. MJD had a good game, but no one else is consistently providing the Handjobs with points besides the streaky Santana Moss. With Derek Anderson's benching imminent, the Handjobs also have problems at quarterback. We suggest that to inspire his team, Gilman should challenge the head of the Rules Committee, Sethadiah Pruss, to a foxy boxing match. Bakini tops optional.

LUNCH MONEY (113) @ El Che y los Guerrileros (100)

What was supposed to be a vicious matchup between two bitter rivals ended up being a bit of a snoozefest. Both sides put up low total scores. Lunch Money and owner Paulus Kennedy came out on top, but there has to be some concern with stud running back Brian Westbrook's recent ankle injury. To make matters worse, Santonio Holmes still hasn't emerged as the start he was predicted to be this offseason. Although Jerricho Cotchery has played well for Lunch Money, Kennedy needs Holmes to step up because he would be better off starting Steven Hawking at wide receiver than Ken Walter or Justin Gage. The other major problem Kennedy has is that he has been stashing away Drew Brees on his bench. Brees could easily be used to lure away a top receiver from an interested team, but Kennedy has refused to dangle out the mole-faced QB. Sitting at 3-0 and third in the power rankings, it appears that Kennedy can wait for now. As for El Che, the loss drops the defending champion to 1-2. Keentsull's squad struggled to reach the 100 point mark. Big Ben is banged up and it showed by his poor performance on Sunday. LJ Smith laid an egg and Braylon Edwards is a shell of his 2007 self. This has led to the former champ currently sitting at 11th in the power rankings. On the bright side, the aforementioned trade with the Pubes should invigorate the Guerrillas much like a chocolate-covered magic mushroom. Keentsull also has Rashard Mendenhall, getting the start for Pittsburgh this year, and Jon Stewart, who will no doubt be starting for the Panthers by season's end. If the Eagles Defense can keep performing, the Guerrillas will get back on track.

Gangstalicious Resurection (100) @ PUBES ON SOAP (129.75)

We don't have the manpower to check into these kind of things, but the Gs performance last week may be one of the few times that a team's bench has outscored its starting lineup. The Gs are still trying to find a suitable quarterback as neither of the team's drafted quarterbacks, Matt Schaub and David Garrard, have found any success. The Patriots Defense really hurt the Gs this week as they only managed to put up one measly point. In fact, had team owner E-Mo Pabon started Trent Edwards and the Cowboys Defense, the Gs could have pulled out the victory. The Gs have a formidable squad, but with the bye weeks starting, Pabon's thin team may be smoked, not unlike a blunt. The Pubes, on the other hand, had just enough in the tank to get to 3-0, and now find themselves tied for first in the power rankings. Brandon Marshall and Larry Fitzgerald are making team owner Nate "The Head" Matlin forget all about the fact that Peyton Manning has been less than stellar. the Commish will now get to add Thomas Jones to his starting lineup and has Chris Johnson and the the wildcard Tim Hightower on the bench. Losing Andre Johnson will hurt but the Jackson brothers, Desean and Vincent, should be able to hold down the fort. The only thing holding Matlin back is the fact that his wife doesn't let him run the air conditioning at team headquarters.

ΔΣ (138.25) @ Ludicrous Speed (126.25)

This was a close one and could have gone either way, but Jon Ades' tough gang did just enough to avoid falling to 0-3 in division play. Joe Addai had a two touchdown game and Willis McGahee performed adequately. More importantly, the Ravens Defense were monsters, tallying up 3 interceptions (one returned for a touchdown), 5 sacks, and a forced fumble, while only allowing 10 points. Still, Ades must be concerned about Jeremy Shockey's injury and the fact that Matt Cassel doesn't know how to throw a pass over 10 yards, thus severely hurting Randy Moss's performance. The Dark Side is going to have to unleash the force, make some major waiver wire moves, and perhaps execute a blockbuster trade if it is going to have a chance this year. For Ludicrous Speed and owner Mike "El Vampiro" Hartman, it was a particularly tough loss. Hartman chose not to start the newly acquired Philip Rivers, which cost him the victory. Speed's receiving corps could use some major help and rumor has it that El Vampiro had that help coming before some dirty hippy stepped in and ruined everything. The bright spot for Ludicrous Speed is the running back tandem of Michael Turner and LaDainian Tomlinson who accounted for 201 yards of total offense and 5 touchdowns this week. "Michael Turner can fart in my dinner tonight if he wants," Hartman said, "spray fart!" If Speed can get some receiver help and more production at the tight-end position, they may have a fighting chance going into interdivision play.

*GAME OF THE WEEK*

FACE FUCKED HANNUKAH BEARS (156.75) @ Sweet Tangy Limes (124)

After failing to top the 100-point mark two weeks in a row, the FFHBs and owner Robert Chesterton Willington Buffington Frederickson IV came out of no where to score the highest point total of the week. Though Carson Palmer did a fine job on Sunday, he looked on from the FFHBs bench to see J.T. O'Sullivan have a nice day. Newly-acquired Julius Jones was a beast and Dwayne Bowe, Isaac Bruce, and Laveraneus Coles each caught touchdown passes en route to victory. The Vikings Defense also played a remarkable game for the FFHBs, who got their first week of the season despite being last in the power rankings. Unfortunately, the FFHBs still don't have a #2 running back and actually don't have enough active running backs this week to field a full starting lineup. Something tells us that the FFHBs aren't going to be putting together any kind of winning streak, but we hope that the squad feels all warm and fuzzy for now. The Limes, dropping to 1-2, need to make a trade. Plax Burress will be out for the next two weeks with a bye week and 1-game suspension. Kellen Winslow continues to struggle along with Cleveland's anemic offense. Team owner Rickles Gittles may want to try to deal one of his young stud running backs, such as Steve Slaton, to get some receiver or quarterback help, or else the Limes are going to shrivel up like John Mccain's balls. Gross.

NEWS & NOTES

In the "Rumor Has It" department, some owners are starting to stir about new franchisee Matt Katz's journalistic contributions thus far. He has been somewhat quiet on the email front and hasn't yet submitted any type of written work to the LRFL Public Relations' Office. He also thinks that Robby's name is Bobby.

There have also been some grumblings about the fact that the phrase "vagina sand" hasn't yet appeared in any intraleague emails.

On another note, Week 4 marks the beginning of interdivision play. It's going to get interesting from here because the division leaders all sit at 3-0, while every other team is at 1-2. This is go time. With 6 playoff spots this season, the fighting is going to be incredible.
Finally, in case you haven't noticed, discussion has already started about offseason rule changes. So far, the 50 cent waiver wire tax and an injured reserve spot have been suggested. If you have any other ideas about how the league could be improved and your name isn't Jeremy Gilman or Evan Schmitt, please forward your suggestions to Sethadiah Pruss so that he can obsess about them until the end of the season to the detriment of his team.

That's it for now. Please send all crushed USC national championship dreams, karate belts, fish tacos, and trade gossip to league intern Paul Kennedy.

Week One Recap

By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

The 2008 La Resistance Football League season has officially begun, and already team owners are feeling the pressure to make moves. There were some significant personnel losses, most notably Tom Brady of Ludicrous Speed fame, which will force some major activity on the waiver wire and trade market. One of the running subplots to the season will certainly be whether some of the less-experienced owners will be able to manage their teams to any measure of success. Judging by the draft and Week 1 results, it appears that many teams will only be able to perform up to their owners' limitations.

Along those lines, we would be remiss unless we noted that every one of our Week 1 picks in the pre-season predictions column was correct, except for the fact that the scoring was much lower than presumed. All this means is that the teams that are expected to be horrible this season held form during the first weekend of league play. Will any of these teams make the right adjustments in time for Week 2? What about Week 8? Week 10? One owner doesn't want to wait around to find out and is already trying to break the record for most waiver transactions for the season by Week 3. Yes, Evan "Drago" Schmitt, owner of the lowly Pontoon Boats, has picked up right where he left off last year, executing a whopping 17 drop/adds so far this year (10 of these came in a single day). He's added and dropped 5 quarterbacks already, including J.T. O'Sullivan twice. On four separate occasions he's picked up a player only to drop him later the same day. Give it a rest already! LRFL Commissioner Nathan "Smokey" Matlin has speculated that now that Schmitt is on a 6-day-a-week karate habit, he can't help but do everything else in his life with a high degree of repetition...fantasy football, denim-jacket wearing, compulsive masturbation, you name it. Here at the Recap, we simply believe that he's over-thinking himself and that he needs to pop a couple of Quaaludes to calm down.

ANYWAY, on to the games (winners in caps).

DANGER MONKEY (149.75) @ ΔΣ (130.5)

The Sethadiah Pruss-owned Danger Monkey was pegged as an early season contender, but much of that hinged on whether quarterback Brett Favre would shine in his new surroundings. Though the verdict is still out on Favre (one of his touchdowns was a fluke which made Chris Berman's head explode), the Monkey coasted to a fairly easy victory against the other monkey, Jon Ades, and his Dark Side squad. Danger Monkey put a lot of points on the board early on, thanks to Brandon Jacobs's Thursday night performance, and Hines Ward's big two-touchdown day. The Monkey also got the standard day from Jason Witten (6 catches, 96 yards) and it looks like Calvin Johnson may be living up to the hype this year. Most importantly for the Monkey, with Steven Jackson looking like he's in for a long season, Pruss appears to have struck gold in the draft with his 5th round pick of Matt Forte, who looked like a beast against the Colts much like Pruss looked like a drunken beast at the Ades wedding. As for Jonny HIV, he couldn't turn a gigantic day from Donovan McNabb into a win. Perhaps his decision to manage his team from Greece, resulting in starting an inactive Javon Walker, hurt his team's morale. Joe Addai had a horrible game which hopefully is not a harbinger for the Dark Side's season, but Ades has to be worried both about what he saw from Addai and about the fact that stud wide receiver Randy Moss no longer has the best quarterback in football throwing to him. Still, the Dark Side look like a solid squad in the hotly contested Jesus and Pals Division and Ades can feel good about the fact that he looks great in a cummerbund.

PUBES ON SOAP (152) @ Sweet Tangy Limes (104.5)

The Pubes were on the Limes early, and much like real pubes on soap, the Limes had no way to wash them off. Commissioner Matlin and his out-of-control Pubes put up the most points this week, but it's fairly impossible to single out one performance as his key to victory. Instead, the Pubes' victory was a matter of consistency, as each of his players did just enough to have a solid day. Most notably was Pubes rookie DeSean Jackson who impressed with a 6 catch, 106 yard performance. This early success gives the Commish the most intimidating receiving corps in the league with Brandon Marshall returning in Week 2 to join Larry Fitz, Andre Johnson, the previously-noted DeSean Jackson, and sleeper Vincent Jackson. Shockingly, it appears that the Commish actually had a good draft, which marks a huge departure from his Kinko's-fueled 2007. On the other side of the field, it looks like it might be a long season for the Sweet Tangy Limes who barely topped 100 points this week. All looked good as Plaxico Burress started things right for the Limes with a 10 catch, 133-yard performance on Thursday night. Any sign of hope dimmed when Marc Bulger took the field on Sunday afternoon. Bulger completed just over 53% of his passes and threw for under 200 yards and no touchdowns. To make matters worse, stud wide receiver TJ Houshdkmsfnalkssazadeh caught just 3 balls for 44 yards, prompting owner Rickles Gittles to call the league office to make sure that TJ was in fact playing. The biggest problems that the Limes face, other than weevils, is the fact that 1st round pick Darren McFadden looks like he is #2 on the totem pole behind Justin Fargas. McFadden saw just 10 touches and got a little banged up in the process. Gittles can't expect victory unless McFadden gets more looks. However, without a solid #3 running back on his bench, Gittles doesn't have the luxury of waiting for McFadden to come around even if he does have the luxury of driving around all day in his shiny Prius.

Poorly-Named Gilman Team (Handjobs) (105) @ EL CHE Y HUMPTY EL UMPTY (138.5)

Jeremy "Slippery Pete" Gilman lost his team's 2008 first round draft pick when he failed to pay his league dues by any of the 17 deadlines imposed on him. As a result, without a single allstar on his lineup, Gilman struggled to get his team over the century mark. Gilman's whole team is littered with problems--Derek Anderson's offense is a mess, St. Louis is horrible and Tory Holt is suffering, and Maurice Jones-Drew just lost two of his starting offensive linemen for the season. This is what happens when you don't pay your dues. As Douche Chills' owner Matt "Oilcan" Katz pointed out, "This isn't Nam. There are rules." Gilman's lack of firepower in his lineup made it easy for defending LRFL champion Eriq Keentsull to guide his newly-christened El Che y Humpty el Umpty to a 30+ point victory. We aren't bilingual here, but we're pretty sure the new name roughly translates to "The Che and Humpty the Umpty," which really makes no sense. Perhaps Keentsull's motive was to confuse and overwhelm his opponents (much like he did last year with his Patruli scent). If that's the case, it appears to be working. Even with a horrible day from Braylon Edwards, the Umpty packed on the points with solid output from Big Ben, TO, and the Eagles defense. More astounding, Keentsull somehow has brought Thomas Jones back from fantasy mediocrity (101 yards and a touchdown). We've learned that Keentsull has has put Mr. Jones on a strict diet of vegetables grown at the Umpty's Pittsburgh, PA headquarters, rumored to be laced with metabolic steroids and Giraffe semen. More details to come.

LUNCH MONEY (149) @ Douche Chills (141)

While the outcome was foreseen, the proximity of scores was not. We all expected Paul "Deer in the Headlights" Kennedy to guide his team to a strong Week 1 showing, but who knew that young whippersnapper Matt "Oilcan" Katz would rise to the challenge. For Lunch Money, Kennedy pretty much got the what he expected out of his team. Tony Romo was solid (though Drew Brees's 49.5 points sat wasted on the bench), and Marion Barber and Brian Westbrook combined for nearly 60 points for Lunch Money. Kennedy's Achilles heel, however, will continue to be in the wide receiver department. While Jerricho Cotchery was decent, most of his points came on his 56-yard touchdown reception which isn't going to happen every week. Santonio Holmes hasn't shed his inconsistency and Kennedy lucked out when Kevin Walter caught a touchdown. With Barber now a little banged up, the Lunch Money squad certainly looks vulnerable. Katz's Douche Chills almost made the most of that vulnerability in Week 1 but couldn't quite pull out the victory. Jay Cutler looks like he has his diabetes under control and will be a strong quarterback for the Chills. Reggie Bush also looks like he might finally be ready to break out, which prompted Katz to send taunting emails to the rest of the league. Other owners were confused as Katz claimed to be in Greece, picking up dinner for his new wife. What was he picking up? Feta cheese? Olives? A fish to roast with his vaporizer? Whatever the case, perhaps the Chills will be a little more Douchey than we all expected and will actually challenge for the Faith +1 Division. Probably not though.

LUDICROUS SPEED (126.5) @ Pontoon Boats (125.75)

With a fierce rivalry on the line, Ludicrous Speed's season appeared to be over before it even started as quarterback Tom Brady went down with a season-ending knee injury. Fortunately for owner Mike Hartman, the rest of the team rallied and came up with a much-needed early season victory. Michael "The Burner" Turner showed why Atlanta gave him the big money this offseason, rushing for 220 yards and 2 touchdowns and scoring the most points by any running back in Week 1. Even with this big day however, without any points coming from the quarterback position Ludicrous Speed went into Monday night down 5.75 points. That's when Marvin Harrison stepped up to the plate, returning to days of yore and doing just enough to give Speed the .75 point victory. "It's a great day when you can take down a rival," owner Mike Hartman said. "It's even better when you can do it without a quarterback." Poor Drago. After playing quarterback musical chairs all week, he actually got quite a nice day from young Trent Edwards and saw a whopping 72.75 points scored by his running back tandem of Frank Gore and Willie Parker. So what went wrong? 0 points from Jabar Gaffney. 3.5 points from stud wide receiver Marques Colston (who coincidentally is out for 4-6 weeks with a thumb injury). 8 points from Muhsin Muhammad. And our favorite: -1.5 points from Todd Heap. Yes, if Drago had decided to start a grapefruit at tight end instead of Todd Heap, he would have won the game. Drago only had one thing to say: "AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHAAARRRRAGGHHHMichaelTurnerARRRRGGGAAAARRGGGAARRGGAR!!!!AARGARRGGFGSFRRRAAGGFUCK!FUCK!ARGARRAAGRRRAGGGCOLSTONOUT4TO6ARRRGARGGGGGHASSELBECKBULGEINGDISKAAAARGFUCKPAULAAAAHHHH!FUCK!"

*GAME OF THE WEEK*

Face Fucked Hannukah Bears (59.25) @ GANGSTALICIOUS RESURECTION (127.25)

How could this possibly be the game of the week you ask? It's a huge blowout you say? Cucumbers taste better pickled you opine? Well we have an answer. This is the game of the week because of how close FFHB and owner Robby "Mr. Robby" Frederickson came to setting the LRFL record for least points scored in a week. The FFHB's 59.25 points beat the record low (owned by the now defunct Kimbo Slice) by 1 measly point. Wowie! How did Mr. Robby manage to pull it off? Carson Palmer's sub-100 yard game helped, along with a combined 4 receptions for 67 yards from Laveraneus Coles, Roddy White, and Dallas Clark. A certain red-headed New Havenite also pointed out that several teams' bench players outscored Mr. Robby's starting lineup including Handjobs, Lunch Money, Douche Chills, Danger Monkey (with a whopping 113 on the bench), Pubes on Soap, and the Limes. That 1st overall pick of Rudi Johnson sure is doing some face-fucking. For the Gs and owner Emilio Badilio Pabon, the Week 1 win means redemption from a lackluster 2007. The Gs have the making of a solid veteran team, but E-Mo Pabon will need to shore up a stronger bench and get the tired legs of Larry Johnson and Jamal Lewis hooked up to the juvenation machine. On another note, league owners have been concerned about the lack of communication received from E-Mo, but he has told us that any absence of communication is merely a result of it taking a really long time to type emails from his iPhone.

NEWS & NOTES

From the Rumor Has It Department, we've heard rumblings that there have been some tense negotiations between the Limes and Ludicrous Speed regarding their respective quarterback situations. It all started when Speed owner Mike Hartman selected Kurt Warner in the 12th round just three picks before Limes owner Rickles Gittles was all set to take the Jesus-loving veteran. Gittles was forced to settle with Jason Campbell as his backup and with starter Marc Bulger looking so awful in Week 1, Gittles was not happy. Lo and behold, when Tom Brady went down, Gittles used his superior position in the waiver wire order to snatch backup Matt Cassel away from Hartman. Since then, the two have been mired in trade talks. The current offer on the table? Kurt Warner for Bulger, a churro, Cassel, and an amish soft pretzel (with butter). Word is that Hartman is demanding two pretzels which Gittles says is just too high.

Another college football wager brewing? With the University of Michigan looking so terrible in the first few weeks of the NCAA season, the fierce shit-talking has already started between Commissioner Matlin and Pontoon Boats owner Drago Schmitt (a lifelong Michigan fan). Last year the conflict resulted in a name-changing wager between the two based on their head-to-head match up in the LRFL and this was followed by a wager between Hartman and Drago regarding the Michigan-UF bowl game (sadly, Michigan proved victorious leaving Hartman with no choice but to semi-welch on the bet). What will come of the renewed college football tension? We shall see...we shall see.

On a final note, it appears somewhat confusing whether the LRFL Constitution still remains unratified. Sethadiah Pruss, please comment in time for next week's Recap. Thank you.

That’s it for now, see you all next week!

Please send all Pepe's pizza, babyboomer blog links, pubeless soap, and non-torn anterior cruciate ligaments to League Intern Paul Kennedy.

Welcome Back!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.