Week Three Recap (Now With 40% More Week Two Goodness)

By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

The 2008 LRFL season has finally started to heat up. We're talking about trades. We're talking about roster strategies. We're talking about good old fashion ass-whoopins. A few owners have sent out some pretty angry emails over the last few weeks and Commissioner Matlin continues to rule with an iron fist. Let's take a look at some of the more recent developments.

First, we would be remiss to not talk about the blockbuster trades that have shaken up the league. The first of the season, between perpetual trade machine Danger Monkey and perpetual bottom feeder Face Fucked Hannukah Bears, was scoffed at by most. It appears, however, that this trade could have a real impact on the league. The FFHBs and owner Robert Huntington Chesterton Frederickson IV were desperate for a running back after #1 overall pick Rudi Johnson assumed a backup role with the lowly Detroit Lions. Although Mr. Robby had little, if anything, to spare from his receiving "core," he used the inconsistent Roddy White to bargain for the Monkey's Julius Jones. For the Monkey and owner Sethadiah Pruss, White shores up what could be the best group of receivers in the league (White joins Wes Welker, Megatron Johnson, Hines Ward, and Eddie Royal). In Julius Jones, Mr. Robby has found a running back that can actually carry the load. Jones has already rushed for 312 yards and two touchdowns through 3 games, and that is without seeing significant touches in Week 1. Of course, the FFHBs now have a wide receiver "core" consisting of Dwayne Wayne Bowe, Isaac Bruce, and Laveranus Coles. Yep, just those three.

The next trade was the mega-swindle that went on between Ludicrous Speed and ... um, unfortunately, a backroom deal was made to never speak of this trade again. It involved three midgets, a quart of ether, a girl who may or may not have Taysachs, and a chimpanzee on roller skates.

Finally, at 10:29 pm (EST) on September 24, the year of our lord 2008, Pubes On Soap traded Andre Johnson and Kevin Smith to El Che y Los Guerrilleros who in return sent back Anthony Gonzalez and Thomas Jones. Eriq Keentsull and the Guerrillas were seeking an upgrade at receiver, while the Commish and his Pubes sought more security at running back than his crew of rookie upstarts were giving him. We can speak from experience, however, that Thomas Jones hardly provides security and this may be a panic move from the Commish after Kevin Smith started to lose carries to Rudi Johnson last week. It also must have been hard for the Commish to part with Andre Johnson after he stole him from the Pontoon Boats last year. We think we may have seen a few tears at the press conference.

The other major development that we should touch on is the never-ending series of player transactions by Drago Schmitt of Pontoon Boats fame. Since the Week 1 Recap, the Boats have added and dropped a whopping 38 players (thought that number doesn't take into account the players that have been added and dropped multiple times). We are most impressed with the fact that 6 of the Boats' add/drops have involved kickers. Our theory is that Schmitt plans to have every possible quarterback and kicker on his team at some point this season. This theory may not get a chance to play itself out, as Mr. Drago has possibly started to see the errors of his ways. In an apology letter to the league, Schmitt wrote, "I did not realize that I was limiting the player pool size because people I drop after Wednesday cannot be picked up for that weekend. The fact is I need to use the waiver wire because I've had quite a bit of mishaps at various positions." Mishaps? That's like taking a dump in your boss's lunch and calling it a mishap.

Before we get onto the Week 3 games, we think we owe it to our tremendous readership to do an abbreviated Week 2 Recap so here it goes:

Ludicrous Speed (103.25) @ DANGER MONKEY (190.5): In his first game of the post-Braday era, Speed owner Mike Hartman was hoping that Kurt Warner could emulate his fallen leader. Warner came through with flying colors but the rest of his team played like they all had torn ACLs. Tomlinson and Turner didn't even combine for 100 total yards, Marvin Harrison caught 1 ball, and Vernon Davis posted a goose egg. Sethadiah Pruss and Danger Monkey easily dominated on the way to the highest point total of the week. Calvin Johnson is officially a stud and our preseason prediction of Ludicrous Speed to take the Jesus and Pals Division already seems horribly incorrect.

Poorly-Named Team (Handjobs) (160.75) @ LUNCH MONEY (178.75): The Handjobs had a decent week two, but at the end of the day, manager Jeremy Gilman left too many points on the bench and could have had the victory by starting Tory Holt and either MJD or Lendale White. Lunch Money and owner Paulus Tiberius Kennedy continued his winning ways from 2007. The Packers Defense proved to be the deciding factor, putting two pick-6s on the board. Yahoo for Lunch Money.

SWEET TANGY LIMES (177.5) @ Gangstalicious Resurection (144.5): Rickles Gittles and the Limes got a solid week from their young running back tandem of Darren McFadden and Adrian Peterson. Tangy. The Gs are still searching for their identity and their troubles at the quarterback spot prevented them from contending for a win in week two. Owner Emilio Badilio Pabon needs to make some moves if he is going to ever make that resurrection happen.

PONTOON BOATS (138.5) @ ΔΣ (110): The Boats picked up a very important win, with what could be described as the worst starting lineup in LRFL history (Brian Griese, Ike Hilliard, Bryant Johnson, Moose Muhammad, and Jon Carlson?). The Giants Defense really bailed out the Boats (pun!) with 6 sacks and an interception returned for a touchdown. ΔΣ continued its struggles, again starting Javon Walker who failed to play. Randy Moss began to self-destruct in week two which hopefully isn't a sign of things to come for Jonny HIV.

El Che y Los Guerrilleros (123.75) @ DOUCHE CHILLS (149.75): This was a shocking upset. While the Guerrillas didn't have a bad week, per se, no one stepped up and carried the team. Braylon Edwards, in particular, sent a gift wrapped turd sandwich right to owner Eriq Keentsull's front door, which Keentsull then used to fertilize his organic garden. Matt "Oilcan" Katz and the Douche Chills claimed the surprising victory on the shoulders of Jay Cutler, who is the early leader for LRFL MVP.

PUBES ON SOAP (172.75) @ Face Fucked Hannukah Bears (84): In a slaughter, the Pubes overwhelmed the FFHBs primarily due to big games from Larry Fitzgerald, Desean Jackson, and Barndon Marshall. Even with an Anthony Fasano goose egg, the fiery Pubes easily won. It was another tough week for Mr. Robby and his FFHBs, as 5 total points from quarterback Carson Palmer are never going to get the job done.

AND NOW, on to the (Week 3) games (winners in caps).

DANGER MONKEY (117.25) @ Pontoon Boats (111.75)

Sethadiah Pruss and his Monkey didn't do anything special last week, coming up with just enough points for the victory. Pruss will have a tough time choosing between Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre week in and week out, and luckily, the 18 points he left on the bench in Favre didn't cost him. Pruss is now sitting at 3-0, on top of the Jesus and Pals Division, and so far has not made any ridiculous panic trades with Drago. Pruss's ace-in-the-hole appears to be Matt Forte, the youngster from Chicago who posted 33.25 points while sitting on the Monkey's bench (perhaps this is why Pruss is only 11th in the coach ratings). Supposedly Forte is off the table, but we think it's only a matter of time before Pruss hits the red button. For the Boats, after securing a week two victory, Mr. Drago's team returned to form. Willy Parker had a bad day and injured himself, and, shockingly, the receiver trio of Devery Henderson, Bryant Johnson, and Steve Smith accounted for only 137 total yards and no scores. Fortunately for the Boats, Ronnie Brown may be coming back in full force and Drago will have bargaining chips at the trade table. Wait, maybe that's not a good thing.

Douche Chills (123.25) @ POORLY-NAMED TEAM (HANDJOBS) (134.75)

Matt "Oilcan" Katz couldn't give the LRFL the douche chills in week 3. Jay Cutler had an off-day by his standards and lets just say that the Matt Jones era doesn't look good for the Chills. It also appears that Chad Johnson's attempts to become Chad Ocho Cinco have left him exhausted and banged up, and thusly, a non-factor for the Chills. The lone bright spot on Katz's team is Reggie Bush who appears to be finally coming into form. Katz probably needs to make some trades to get the Chills nice and Douched-up, but word on the streets is that he's scared of further humiliation. The Handjobs got a much needed victory to keep from remaining winless in 2008. More importantly, owner Jeremy Gilman has taken over as the angriest man in the LRFL with his tirades about the recently-ratified constitution. The former angriest man, Mike Hartman, bowed out of his position gracefully. As far as Gilman's team goes, they got the win, but it wasn't pretty. MJD had a good game, but no one else is consistently providing the Handjobs with points besides the streaky Santana Moss. With Derek Anderson's benching imminent, the Handjobs also have problems at quarterback. We suggest that to inspire his team, Gilman should challenge the head of the Rules Committee, Sethadiah Pruss, to a foxy boxing match. Bakini tops optional.

LUNCH MONEY (113) @ El Che y los Guerrileros (100)

What was supposed to be a vicious matchup between two bitter rivals ended up being a bit of a snoozefest. Both sides put up low total scores. Lunch Money and owner Paulus Kennedy came out on top, but there has to be some concern with stud running back Brian Westbrook's recent ankle injury. To make matters worse, Santonio Holmes still hasn't emerged as the start he was predicted to be this offseason. Although Jerricho Cotchery has played well for Lunch Money, Kennedy needs Holmes to step up because he would be better off starting Steven Hawking at wide receiver than Ken Walter or Justin Gage. The other major problem Kennedy has is that he has been stashing away Drew Brees on his bench. Brees could easily be used to lure away a top receiver from an interested team, but Kennedy has refused to dangle out the mole-faced QB. Sitting at 3-0 and third in the power rankings, it appears that Kennedy can wait for now. As for El Che, the loss drops the defending champion to 1-2. Keentsull's squad struggled to reach the 100 point mark. Big Ben is banged up and it showed by his poor performance on Sunday. LJ Smith laid an egg and Braylon Edwards is a shell of his 2007 self. This has led to the former champ currently sitting at 11th in the power rankings. On the bright side, the aforementioned trade with the Pubes should invigorate the Guerrillas much like a chocolate-covered magic mushroom. Keentsull also has Rashard Mendenhall, getting the start for Pittsburgh this year, and Jon Stewart, who will no doubt be starting for the Panthers by season's end. If the Eagles Defense can keep performing, the Guerrillas will get back on track.

Gangstalicious Resurection (100) @ PUBES ON SOAP (129.75)

We don't have the manpower to check into these kind of things, but the Gs performance last week may be one of the few times that a team's bench has outscored its starting lineup. The Gs are still trying to find a suitable quarterback as neither of the team's drafted quarterbacks, Matt Schaub and David Garrard, have found any success. The Patriots Defense really hurt the Gs this week as they only managed to put up one measly point. In fact, had team owner E-Mo Pabon started Trent Edwards and the Cowboys Defense, the Gs could have pulled out the victory. The Gs have a formidable squad, but with the bye weeks starting, Pabon's thin team may be smoked, not unlike a blunt. The Pubes, on the other hand, had just enough in the tank to get to 3-0, and now find themselves tied for first in the power rankings. Brandon Marshall and Larry Fitzgerald are making team owner Nate "The Head" Matlin forget all about the fact that Peyton Manning has been less than stellar. the Commish will now get to add Thomas Jones to his starting lineup and has Chris Johnson and the the wildcard Tim Hightower on the bench. Losing Andre Johnson will hurt but the Jackson brothers, Desean and Vincent, should be able to hold down the fort. The only thing holding Matlin back is the fact that his wife doesn't let him run the air conditioning at team headquarters.

ΔΣ (138.25) @ Ludicrous Speed (126.25)

This was a close one and could have gone either way, but Jon Ades' tough gang did just enough to avoid falling to 0-3 in division play. Joe Addai had a two touchdown game and Willis McGahee performed adequately. More importantly, the Ravens Defense were monsters, tallying up 3 interceptions (one returned for a touchdown), 5 sacks, and a forced fumble, while only allowing 10 points. Still, Ades must be concerned about Jeremy Shockey's injury and the fact that Matt Cassel doesn't know how to throw a pass over 10 yards, thus severely hurting Randy Moss's performance. The Dark Side is going to have to unleash the force, make some major waiver wire moves, and perhaps execute a blockbuster trade if it is going to have a chance this year. For Ludicrous Speed and owner Mike "El Vampiro" Hartman, it was a particularly tough loss. Hartman chose not to start the newly acquired Philip Rivers, which cost him the victory. Speed's receiving corps could use some major help and rumor has it that El Vampiro had that help coming before some dirty hippy stepped in and ruined everything. The bright spot for Ludicrous Speed is the running back tandem of Michael Turner and LaDainian Tomlinson who accounted for 201 yards of total offense and 5 touchdowns this week. "Michael Turner can fart in my dinner tonight if he wants," Hartman said, "spray fart!" If Speed can get some receiver help and more production at the tight-end position, they may have a fighting chance going into interdivision play.

*GAME OF THE WEEK*

FACE FUCKED HANNUKAH BEARS (156.75) @ Sweet Tangy Limes (124)

After failing to top the 100-point mark two weeks in a row, the FFHBs and owner Robert Chesterton Willington Buffington Frederickson IV came out of no where to score the highest point total of the week. Though Carson Palmer did a fine job on Sunday, he looked on from the FFHBs bench to see J.T. O'Sullivan have a nice day. Newly-acquired Julius Jones was a beast and Dwayne Bowe, Isaac Bruce, and Laveraneus Coles each caught touchdown passes en route to victory. The Vikings Defense also played a remarkable game for the FFHBs, who got their first week of the season despite being last in the power rankings. Unfortunately, the FFHBs still don't have a #2 running back and actually don't have enough active running backs this week to field a full starting lineup. Something tells us that the FFHBs aren't going to be putting together any kind of winning streak, but we hope that the squad feels all warm and fuzzy for now. The Limes, dropping to 1-2, need to make a trade. Plax Burress will be out for the next two weeks with a bye week and 1-game suspension. Kellen Winslow continues to struggle along with Cleveland's anemic offense. Team owner Rickles Gittles may want to try to deal one of his young stud running backs, such as Steve Slaton, to get some receiver or quarterback help, or else the Limes are going to shrivel up like John Mccain's balls. Gross.

NEWS & NOTES

In the "Rumor Has It" department, some owners are starting to stir about new franchisee Matt Katz's journalistic contributions thus far. He has been somewhat quiet on the email front and hasn't yet submitted any type of written work to the LRFL Public Relations' Office. He also thinks that Robby's name is Bobby.

There have also been some grumblings about the fact that the phrase "vagina sand" hasn't yet appeared in any intraleague emails.

On another note, Week 4 marks the beginning of interdivision play. It's going to get interesting from here because the division leaders all sit at 3-0, while every other team is at 1-2. This is go time. With 6 playoff spots this season, the fighting is going to be incredible.
Finally, in case you haven't noticed, discussion has already started about offseason rule changes. So far, the 50 cent waiver wire tax and an injured reserve spot have been suggested. If you have any other ideas about how the league could be improved and your name isn't Jeremy Gilman or Evan Schmitt, please forward your suggestions to Sethadiah Pruss so that he can obsess about them until the end of the season to the detriment of his team.

That's it for now. Please send all crushed USC national championship dreams, karate belts, fish tacos, and trade gossip to league intern Paul Kennedy.