The La Resistance Football League is back folks! It has been a busy and memorable offseason to say the least. The Triforce feat. Gittles led the push to raise league dues, Hartman avoided eating a dog biscuit or placing his hand in dog urine at the AAB (though there was an unfortunate mud incident), Gittles found a fifty dollar bill and a single on the streets of DC in consecutive days, Drago, Kennedy, and Keentsull all got engaged (to women), and, of course, Scantron (formerly the Jake Matlin Experience) released its major label debut, “No. 2 Pencils,” featuring the hit single “Blowies in Tel Aviv,” which was produced and mixed by Joe Epstein at Takoyaki Studios.
We are happy to report that the LRFL press office foresees a big return this year, hopefully with steady recaps and some quick hit columns that are sure to enthrall and delight. To get things off to a good start, we present the 2010 LRFL Season Preview, containing predictions (which will most likely all be wrong) and commentary (which mostly involves inside jokes that only three owners will get) that we hope will put everyone in the fantasy spirit before the draft on Sunday night. Last year we introduced each team with an esoteric gchat quote that, while entertaining, probably left most scratching their heads. This year we are introducing each team with an esoteric quote from Season 8 of the Simpsons (the best season in our opinion). Without further ado:
FAITH + 1 DIVISION
The Wiggle Jiggles
Owner/GM: Eriq Keentsull
Last Season: 11-2, won the whole shebang.
Keepers: Andre Johnson (1), Maurice Jones-Drew (1), Desean Jackson (5)
****
[Homer dramatically reveals his wooden chili spoon.]Lenny: [whispering to Carl] They say he carved it himself... from a bigger spoon.
From “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer” (Episode 9)
****
We chose this quote for two reasons. First, after winning the championship two out of the three years that the LRFL has existed, Keentsull has become somewhat legendary. His team never looks particularly strong after the draft, and then BAM BOOM, he’s hoisting the cup. Second, the quote comes from an episode of the Simpsons that features Homer consuming mass quantities of psychedelic insanity peppers. We only know one person who looks like he’s both capable of growing them and like he’s probably eaten one too many in his day.
The rest of the league better hope Keentsull is high on insanity peppers going into 2010 because he annihilated the league in 2009. The Keentsull-led Wiggle Jiggles were solid right out of the gate, going 3-0 in division play including an un-possible 212 point Week Two annihilation of the Pills. The Jiggles dropped a pair of games in mid-season, including a mind-blowing 80+ point loss to Hartman in Bird Form in Week Six, but the team didn’t look back after that. Keentsull’s 2009 keepers helped (Andre Johnson and Philip Rivers put up a good amount of points), but so did Keentsull’s trade skills. He swindled Larry Fitzgerald from Hollywood Hogwash for a fourth round pick in the 2010 draft and MJD from the Pills for his 2010 first overall pick (which translated to a third rounder) and other associated crap. The end result was an unstoppable roster that cruised to the championship despite the team’s dependence on solar power and lack of indoor plumbing.
We’re sure you’re asking yourself, “self, surely all this wheeling and dealing will cost the Jiggles in 2010?” Unfortunately not friends. Keentsull managed to keep two first round talents in Johnson and MJD and while we think Desean Jackson is overvalued for a 5th, there’s no doubt that he’ll make a contribution as a #2 receiver. The only joy the league will get out of Keentzull’s moves is that he won’ t have a pick until round six, and he’ll have to execute an amazing draft strategy to pull a solid #2 RB, a solid QB, and a solid #3 WR in the later rounds. Nevertheless, the Jiggles have ruled the Faith + 1 Division for years, and as with Keentsull’s t-shirt, we don’t see a change in the near future.
Biggest Plus Factors: intimidating reputation; formidable roster going into draft; cicadas in dreads won’t be surfacing for another 7 years.
Biggest Minus Factors: probably can’t swindle other owners this year (besides Matlin); Desean Jackson injury likely right around the corner; recent engagement means no more sleeping with Lady Hartman’s cousins.
Suggested Team Names: Heady Brosevelet; Strawberry Alarm Clock; The Insanity Peppers.
Prediction: We see nothing but continued domination. Keentsull goes 10-3, takes championship for a third time in four years.
Lunch Money
Owner/GM: Paul Kennedy
Last Season: 7-6, defeated the Pills in the second round of the Bizzarro Playoffs
Keepers: Drew Brees (1), Cedric Benson (7), Sidney Rice (15)
****
Luanne Milhouse: Okay, Kirk, I'll tell a story. It's about a man whose father-in-law gave him a sweet job as manager of a cracker factory.
Homer: Bo-ring.Luanne: A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence...
Homer: Ooh, here we go!
Luanne: ...sent the number one cracker factory in town into a tie for sixth with "TableTime" and "Allied Biscuit."
From “A Milhouse Divided” (Episode 6)
****
Last year, Owner/GM Paul Kennedy managed to take Lunch Money from defending champion status to near Toilet Bowl participant, essentially placing him among the TableTimes and Allied Biscuits of the LRFL. He also managed to lose the LRFL championship trophy to his d-bag former roommates, a move that simply can’t be tolerated.
Lunch Money started off the season with a solid win over the Pills, but then dropped three consecutive games including a loss to the Douche Chills by less than four points. After that, Lunch Money was on the ropes all season, ultimately getting tossed from the playoff hunt in an excruciating 0.42 point loss to eventual champion The Wiggle Jiggles. What went wrong? To begin with, Lunch Money could never establish a solid running back rotation. Pierre Thomas looked to be a golden keeper going into 2009 (costing nothing in the draft) but early injuries kept him from making a solid contribution. Although Cedric Benson proved to be a diamond in the rough, Laurence Maroney, Justin Forsett, and Kevin Smith do not a champion make. Another problem with Lunch Money’s 2009 was a simple case of wrong place at the wrong time. Teams seemed to come up with a big week whenever they played Kennedy’s squad. The Douche Chills put up 152 in that narrow Week Two loss, Hollywood Hogwash came with nearly 156 in Week Four, and the Limes put up 178 points to edge out Lunch Money by 8 points in Week Six. The final problem? Rumor has it that in addition to his new duties with the Chicago Blackhawks, Kennedy also was hired as Joakim Noah’s personal bong caretaker. Between arranging gems such as Beard Night at the United Center and making sure Noah’s 3-foot inside-out glass headpiece was in optimal condition, Kennedy may not have had time to put a winning game plan together.
Of course, now it’s 2010 and Kennedy is more comfortable with his duties outside the LRFL. The hopefully renamed-by-then Lunch Money will enter the draft with an already solid roster. Drew Brees may have been a stretch for a lost first rounder, but he probably wouldn’t have been there when Kennedy picks in the second. Cedric Benson presents good, not great, value at the cost of a 7th round draft pick and will likely be Kennedy’s #2 running back early on in the year. Saving the best for last of course, Kennedy kept Sidney Rice and gave up only a 15th round pick. Rice emerged last year as a top-15 wide receiver (and those are hard to come by) and even with some injury concerns, Rice is an unbelievable steal. Kennedy can focus on running back in the second round and will be able to fill in his receiver corps nicely over the other early rounds. The big question is whether Kennedy’s team will be able to take the division over the Wiggle Jiggles, who have tormented the Faith + 1 Division with their good looks and farming skills. Kennedy, for one, is confident: “If I can find success as the fourth assistant to the assistant to the Under-Secretary of Public Relations on a Stanley Cup-winning hockey team, then surely I can find a way to send that smelly hippy back to his Wookie home on Endor.” We got news for you buddy, getting one over on the Jiggles is tougher than planning a ticker-tape parade. Also, why would a Wookie live on Endor?
Biggest Plus Factors: keeper value (though we also said this last year); pooped in Stanley Cup.
Biggest Minus Factors: tough division; Rice could be flash-in-the-pan; nearly fired after ill-fated Dress Like Lady Gaga Night.
Suggested Team Names: The Rice Rockets; Cedric Benson Booze Cruise; The Abe Fromans (suggested this last year but still good).
Prediction: This was our prediction last year: “Lunch Money proves to be a one-year wonder, regresses and falls to 7-6, and misses out on the division championship based on head-to-head with El Che.” Nearly spot on aside from the fact that the Jiggles (then El Che) easily won the division. Kennedy’s team slightly improves this year, going 8-5 and losing the division to El Che on tiebreakers. A first-round playoff exit awaits.
Douche Chills
Owner/GM: Matt Katz
Last Season: 4-9, defeated Lunch Money in the first round of the Bizzarro Playoffs
Keepers: Brandon Marshall (4), Knowshon Moreno (6), Vernon Davis (15)
****
[Rex Banner suspiciously eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged!
Rex Banner: (To Eddie and Lou) He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in! [Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy] Are you the Baron?
Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
Comic Book Guy: "Tubby!?" (looking at his ample gut) Oh, yes. "Tubby."
[Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]
Homer: Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?
Banner: (not noticing) None of your business!
From “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment” (Episode 18)
****
To Douche Chills GM/owner Matt Katz, our resident reporter, who has refused steadfastly to contribute to this league’s most propitious press office in spite of investigatory skills that far exceed Rex Banner. Indeed, several other owners have continually called into question the commitment of Katz to the LRFL since he joined its ranks in 2008. These concerns appear to be well-founded after Katz’s performance last year. He made the interesting choice to keep Reggie Bush and sacrifice his first rounder. He skipped the draft and let conspiracy theorist Jacob Matlin run his war-room while he was eating schwarma in Israel. He closed the year with Anthony Gonzalez on his roster for no discernable reason. And, most importantly, he stumbled to a 4-9 regular season record that cemented his reputation as a fantasy amateur. The 2009 season wasn’t all Katz’s fault, however. Like Lunch Money, the Douche Chills seemed to go head-to-head with other teams when they had big weeks. The Chills lost in Week Four and Week Five despite putting up, respectively, 159 points and 166 points. Additionally, Katz was forced mid-season to sink a large portion of his team’s payroll into his house located in the Anderson Yards neighborhood of Philadelphia after he discovered that his electricity was coming from a mouse-wheel in the basement and his plumbing was made of a series of interlaced Twizzlers. Commissioner Matlin had no comment when asked if he ever tried to eat said plumbing.
The Douche Chills have a new look and a gleam in their eye heading into the 2010 LRFL season. Katz’s keepers present fairly good value, although we have questions about Brandon Marshall’s ability to avoid the South Beach lifestyle that has claimed so many. If Knowshon Moreno can stay healthy (and so far he has been anything but), the second year player could put up some major points as Katz’s #2 back. Katz also has enormous value in Vernon Davis at just the cost of a 15th round pick, although Davis, a perennial team cancer, is certainly no guarantee. Beyond his keepers, Katz also has a few other advantages up his sleeve. For one, he hired his cat, Shmelvis Katz, as a special assistant to the Douche Chills coaching staff. Reportedly, the decision is paying off—morale is up and the whole organization has learned how to poop in the team litter box. Another advantage, of course, is that Katz has the first overall pick in the draft and will have a lot of options in front of him. He can snag a #1 running back in Ryan Grant or a high-scoring quarterback in Peyton Manning, or he could complement Marshall’s talents with one of the many big-play receivers that will be draft-eligible. Of course, Reggie Bush will be there and Katz’s hipster leanings might force him to make a pick that would be semi-ironic. It will certainly be exciting when the Douche Chills are on the clock.
Biggest Plus Factors: first overall pick; Shmelvis Katz on staff; survived Afghanistan; super-thick-framed glasses will help Katz see screen better on draft day (lots of squinting in 2008).
Biggest Minus Factors: poor draft history; little cachet in being foremost expert on Camden, NJ; wife told him he looks like Rachel Maddow.
Suggested Team Names: Kabul Bar Mitzvah; The Swarming Schwarmas; Maddow Men
Prediction: The Douche Chills get better, but they can’t rearrange the hierarchy of the Faith + 1 Division. We see a 6-7 regular season and a first round victory in the Bizzarro Playoffs for the second year in a row.
Brett Maker’s Pill Extravaganza Bonanza
Owner/GM: Jeremy “Gittleman Jr.” Gilman
Last Season: 2-13, Toilet Bowl Loser
Keepers: Santonio Holmes (6th), Darren Sproles (9th), Jets D (N/A)
****
Bart: I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.
From “The Canine Mutiny” (Episode 20)
****
This pains the Recap as his Kappa Sigma Big Brother and, by all accounts, his wise mentor, but these are the franchise’s results over the first three seasons of the the LRFL:2009: 2-13, last in power rankings (loser of Toilet Bowl)2008: 3-12, second to last in power rankings (lost first round draft pick for failing to pay league dues on time, loser of Toilet Bowl))2007: 7-7, seventh in power rankings (team name was Your Mom’s Balls)Stating the obvious, Gilman’s franchise has been horrible since the inception of the LRFL and has gotten worse each year. Not to be outdone, Gilman has started off the 2010 season with a high-pitched wet fart, attempting to keep the Jets D, a defense that wasn’t even on the team’s roster. Even without this lapse of cognitive function, Gilman would still have the worst keepers in the league as he held onto the suspended Santonio Holmes for a sixth-round pick and backup Darren Sproles for a ninth-round pick. In other words, Gilman sacrificed two mid-round picks for players that will not likely be starting for him until after the first round of division play. Hence the above quote from our good friend Bart Simpson. At this point, it’s pretty clear Gilman isn’t trying. The league just hopes he’ll try to try.
We won’t even bother with recapping the Pills’ sorry 2009 campaign, though the highlights were the Pills’ 110-point Week Two loss to the Wiggle Jiggles and the Pills’ laughable 72.7 effort against the Day-Walker Dojo in Week Eight. Needless to say, Gilman has taken over for FFHB owner Bobby Frederickson as the least-trusted manager in the league. Pills fans hope he can right the ship and with six picks in the first five rounds (including the second overall) perhaps he can. But, it’s going to take a lot to climb to the top of the division over defending champion the Wiggle Jiggles and the always dangerous Lunch Money. We smell a third consecutive trip to the TB and it sure doesn’t smell good.
Biggest Plus Factors: can’t be worse than 2009; Santonio Holmes has huge member.
Biggest Minus Factors: probably will be just as bad as 2009; Darren Sproles has tiny member similar to Japanese people.
Suggested Team Names (if Gilman had option): Preemptive Blackballs; The San Antonio Santonio Big-Cocks; Toilet Bowl Lake House
Prediction: The Pills, or whatever they end up being called this year, continue to bottom feed, eking out a few surprise wins on the way to a 3-10 regular season. Serious questions abound about viability of franchise in the 2011 offseason.
CHILI CON CARNIVAL DIVISION
Sweet Tangy Limes
Owner/GM: Eric “Rickles Gittles” Gittleman
Last Season: 10-3, lost to Hollywood Hogwash in the second round of the playoffs
Keepers: Adrian Peterson (1), Dwayne Bowe (4), Alex Smith (15)
****
Kirk Milhouse: Singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.
Homer: The one down the hall.
Kirk: Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: Oh. Yeah.
From “A Milhouse Divided” (Episode 6)
****
This quote goes to Rickles Gittles, primarily because he’s the newest owner/GM to shack up with his lady-friend and sell his race-car bed. But, more poignantly, the Limes’ season had a certain pathetic quality about it despite the amazing regular season record. The Limes went 10-3, but failed to crack the top half of the power rankings as they amassed the fourth lowest point total in the league. The Limes’ roster was also downright ugly. Gittles ended the season with six running backs on his squad, leaving the team with a miniscule group of receivers featuring Roy E. Williams. Keeper Steve Slaton and first overall draft pick Darren McFadden (yes, you read that right) brought little, if anything, to the table. Not even Gittles’s long-time crush Kurt Warner could save this team. So how did Gittles rack up all those wins? In contrast to Lunch Money, the 2009 Limes seemed to hit every team when they were at their worst. DEVO Dance Party and the Pills put up sub-100 point efforts in the losses to the Limes, and Danger Monkey and the Douche Chills each barely cracked 100 points in their respective losses. Six of the Limes’ wins came by a combined 31 points (that averages to just over a five-point margin per win). In short, what looked like sweet, tangy limes were really bitter, shriveled-up lemons. It was no surprise when the Limes got destroyed in the playoffs after their week one bye, scoring only 91.87 points against Hollywood Hogwash.
The Limes’ 2010 season looks to be picking up where their 2009 season left off. There’s no way getting around the fact that Gittles’ keepers are atrocious (not that he had much to choose from). Adrian Peterson is of course a no brainer – although there are questions about him losing goal-line carries due to fumbles – but the Limes just aren’t getting any value with Dwayne Bowe at the cost of a 4th rounder. While the Chiefs may be throwing more this year with new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis, they also have several targets who could be fighting for the ball. Then there is the curious case of Alex Smith. In an apparent episode of over-thinking strategy, Gittles sacrificed a 15th round pick to keep Smith for his potential as a #2 QB. While the cost was low, this also means Gittles is sacrificing his ability to spend a sentimental pick in former QB/man-crush Kurt Warner in the 15th round. Also, Smith is a Mormon, and Gittles may be invoking the wrath of Warner, which you never want to do. On the bright side, Gittles will have the first pick of the second round and he can hope that a #1 WR will still be sitting there. Other than that, there’s not too many bright spots for Gittles heading into 2010, although one source reported that Gittles sold his bed to a real nerd, much to the amusement of its former owner. Gittles is also excited that he no longer has to hide his key under a rock in his front yard. Booyah!
Biggest Plus Factors: goes into season with at least one certified stud in AP; insane luck finding money on the street; makes a mean hoison-short rib pizza.
Biggest Minus Factors: questionable keeper strategy; bad draft position; Gittles will soon run out of restaurants to go to in Tampa.
Suggested Team Names: The More Sweet, Even-Tangier Limes; Sorry It’s Not in Packets (thanks Commish); The Black and White Cookies
Prediction: It pains us to say this, but we think the walls finally come crashing down on Mr. Gittles and his merry band of Limes. Those keepers are just too bad and the Limes’ bad draft position will be too much to overcome. We’re calling a 4-9 regular season with a potential TB appearance.
Hollywood Hogwash
Owner/GM: Nathan “The Commish” Matlin
Last Season: 7-6, lost the championship to the Wiggle Jiggles
Keepers: Chris Johnson (3), Chad Henne (14), Jamaal Charles (15)
****
Doug: Uh question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
June: Uh, well, uh...
Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar].
From “The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show” (Episode 14)
The Commish has had a lot of time on his hands this season to think about a championship that could have been. Unfortunately, he’s mostly spent that time watching television, regularly updating other league owners about the latest plot twist in the current episode of Futurama or Christopher Lambert’s ability to pull off an American accent in Highlander. Our ginger friend’s time would have been better spent figuring out why his team struggled so much in the regular season, despite scoring the most points in the league.
Matlin went into last season with great keepers (Larry Fitzgerald for a 4th, Peyton Manning for a 5th, and Chris Johnson for a 7th) and they did not disappoint. Johnson was easily the best running back in the league and Manning and Fitzgerald put up consistent numbers. Per the usual, however, Matlin was unable to assemble a roster through the draft that performed on a week-in, week-out basis and despite regular eye-popping performances from Johnson, Hogwash spent the first half the season below the .500 mark. Like he did in 2008, the Commish panicked, threw in the towel on his season, and made one of the all-time boner trades, sending Fitzgerald and Ahmad Bradshaw to the Jiggles for a combo platter of Julius Jones (blegh), Jerricho Cotchery (double blegh), and the Jiggles 2010 fourth round pick. Shockingly, after the trade was made, Hogwash went on a three-game winning streak (including besting Hong Kong Drago Schmidt in the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl) and cemented a wildcard birth with a three point victory in Week 13 against the FFHBs (this is known as the Jon Ades “Fall Ass Backwards into the Playoffs Move”). Building on the late season momentum, Hogwash edged out DEVO Dance Party in the wildcard round and then decimated the Limes in the semis. Matlin’s team eventually fell back to earth in the championship, succumbing to the Jiggles in a gut-wrenching loss in the championship. Matlin’s dream of a heated apartment through the winter quickly fell by the wayside.
The Commish hopes 2010 won’t be plagued by the same inconsistencies as last season, when Hogwash was either scoring big totals or failing to show up. CJ2K makes another appearance on the Hogwash roster, the likely first overall pick costing just a 3rd rounder. While this surely gives Matlin an advantage heading into draft night, his other keepers do not. We are still scratching our heads at the Chad Henne pick (what is it with this division and keeping subpar QBs?) and this looks like another case of an owner/GM outthinking himself. Henne likely could have been had off the waiver wire in any given week, so he presents little value at the cost of a 14th rounder. While we really can’t take issue with Jamaal Charles at the price of a 15th rounder, he will be time-sharing with Thomas Jones and isn’t a bona fide #2 RB as of yet. Additionally, because Hogwash has sacrificed its 14th and 15th round picks, Matlin may bite the bullet and take a kicker in the 12th round (Hogwash loses its 13th rounder because it has two 4th rounders). Unfortunately, this won’t beat the Douche Chills’ record for earliest pick spent on a kicker, as Katz’s draft assistant took Stephen Gostkowski in the 11th round last season. In any event, Hogwash’s season will really be left to the Commish’s draft skills which have belied him in the past (our favorite being his draft at the Phoenix Kinko’s branch two seasons ago). Hogwash does have four picks in the first four rounds (and CJ2K of course), so anything is possible. The Commish will be drafting at the new Hartman compound just a few blocks away from the Douche Chills’ headquarters. Will the change of scenery be inspiring or will Katz’s fluorescent orange Neighborhood Watch vest be too distracting after a long day of drinking? Tune in Sunday night to find out.
Biggest Plus Factors: best RB in football for the price of Joe Addai; met David Alan Grier at restaurant; has bested wife 17 consecutive times at foos.
Biggest Minus Factors: Chad Henne; never met Tommy Davidson at restaurant, Tarantino moving to Chile.
Suggested Team Names: Stonehenge!; Highlander, the Team; Chad Henne’s Monster Cock Magic
Prediction: The Commish goes 8-5 regular season, takes the division, again makes the championship game, again loses, and again sheds many tears out of massive head.
Face Fucked Hannukah Bears
Owner/GM: Robert “Bobby” Frederickson III
Last Season: 7-6, lost to Wiggle Jiggles in second round of playoffs
Keepers: Ray Rice (2), Steven Jackson (4), Steve Smith (10)
****
Homer: [gasps] Tom Landry's hat, and it's autographed. "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry."
Bart: Why don't you buy it?
Homer: I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. [gasps] Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!
From “You Only Move Twice” (Season 8, Episode 2)
****
2009 brought a marked change for Bobby Frederickson and his insatiable FFHBs. The Bears were far better than their 2009 regular season record would indicate and for the first time in their brief history, the Bears joined the other luminaries of the league in the playoffs. Even Bobby had to be surprised at his finish in the top three of the power rankings, but indeed, he is now a guy like him. Bobby’s successes were primarily the result of a shrewd keeper and draft strategy aimed at combining a plethora of young talent with a solid veteran core. Bobby started things off right with keeping Ray Rice for a 10th (we stupidly questioned this move at the time), grabbed Steven Jackson for some RB insurance, and lucked out with the young receiver trio of Steve Smith (NY), Vincent Jackson, and Robert Meacham. Veterans Donovan McNabb and Hines Ward rounded out a team that, despite dropping the first two games of the year, managed to put up mucho points over the course of the season—in fact, the Bears topped the 150 point mark nine times in the regular season. Unfortunately, the Bears also lost three of those big-point games, which prevented Bobby from winning his first division crown. “I felt like Burger King,” Bobby said after his Week Thirteen loss to Hollywood Hogwash, “when all I’ve ever wanted to be is McDonalds.”
Will 2010 be the year of the Golden Arches for Bobby? Answer uncertain. The Bears go into the draft with Ray Rice, likely a top three pick, for just the cost of a second rounder. Undoubtedly, he provides a strong foundation to build off of. However, things get murky after that. It’s unclear how much value the Bears will get from Steven Jackson at the price of a fourth rounder. With Sam Bradford taking the helm of the Rams, defenses might stack the box. On the other hand, Bradford may look for Jackson underneath and out on the flat, which could lead to some big receiving totals. Bobby’s final keeper, the Giants’ Steve Smith, is also a mystery. He had a huge 2009, but it could easily have been a fluke and there a lot of guys on the Giants can haul in passes. Bobby did manage to keep his first round pick (which will be the sixth overall) and he can look for QB or WR talent early on. For some reason, though, we see Bobby messing this pick up. Last year Bobby seemed to have lady luck on his side in the draft and as we all know, lady luck is a cruel lover. Additionally, despite the luck and the major point total, the Bears only finished a game above .500. With Bobby’s nuptials taking place just a week after the draft, it’s quite likely his head will be somewhere else when he’s on the clock…hopefully we won’t see the first auto-draft appearance since Gittles had to help his dad with an emergency coal delivery back in 2002.
Biggest Plus Factors: Ray Rice; upward momentum; apparently abnormally large ass makes Bobby a good water-skier.
Biggest Minus Factors: Drago made that last observation.
Suggested Team Names: Big Mac Attacks; Team Rudi Johnson; Frank’s Gun Locker
Prediction: Bobby’s squad takes a slight step backwards, goes 7-6 but puts up less points and fails to secure a Wildcard spot.
Jesus Juice Junkies
Owner/GM: Emilio “Emo” Pabon
Last Season: 5-8, beat Hartman in Bird Form in the second round of the Bizzarro Playoffs
Keepers: Deangelo Williams (3), Rashard Mendenhall (7), Shonne Greene (13)
****
Poochie: [rapping] The name's Poochie D, And I rock the telly. I'm half Joe Camel, And a third Fonzarelli. I'm the kung fu hippie, From gangsta city. I'm a rappin' surfer, You the fool I pity.
From “The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show” (Episode 14)
****
For our very own Poochie, the mysterious JJJ owner/GM Emo Pabon, 2009 presented a fresh start after a disastrous 2008 campaign. The JJJ’s season opened up with a bang, with Emo guiding his team to a 4-1 start, including two division victories and a huge and narrow win over the Wiggle Jiggles. Unfortunately, much like Poochie, what started with great fanfare ended up in great shame. The JJJs only picked up one win after Week Five (a 2 point victory over the Daywalker Dojo) and dropped their last six regular season games. Not even Emo’s illustrious pony-tail (like a black version of Chris Jericho’s former do) could put a positive sheen on a season that saw JJJ drop to the bottom of the barrel in the Chili Con Carnival Division. It was a familiar story for Emo’s squad. Like years past, the JJJs struggled to get solid play from the QB position despite an above-average year from Eli Manning. Emo also dealt with a banged-up WR corps and despite loads of talent, Emo’s young RBs failed to produce a steady amount of points. It ended up being a lost season, leaving Emo back at the drawing board.
On the bright side, in the offseason Emo managed to frighten the bejesus of Rickles Gittles and his lady friend on the streets of DC by utilizing his Puerto Rican looks and shifty eyes. With one owner/GM already intimidated like a little girl, the JJJs might have a leg up on the competition. Adding to the JJJs’ potential in 2010 is the solid trio of young RBs that Emo brings into the draft. Rather than keep the veteran talents of Anquan Boldin, Reggie Wayne, or Steve Smith (Carolina), Emo chose to retain the services of DeAngelo Williams, Rashard Mendenhall, and Shonn Greene at the price of, respectively, 3rd, 7th, and 13th round picks. By doing so, Emo is set at the RB position and can concentrate on finding a #1 WR early on and, more importantly, finding the points-producing QB he’s always coveted. We do think a 3rd rounder is a little steep for Williams, but there is little doubt that he will be a solid part of a three-headed RB monster. As always, a lot will depend on what Emo does in the draft and many think that his pick in the first round will be pivotal in dictating the direction the draft turns. Many also think he will be pivotal in determining whether anyone freaks out the AAB, has to leave dinner to take a walk around the block, and subsequently burns a batch of taquitos at 2 in the morning. Exciting stuff!
Biggest Plus Factors: Pony tail; RBs with cool names; other owners’ lady friends fearful of, and simultaneously attracted to, mysterious Puerto Rican features.
Biggest Minus Factors: no one sure if Emo knows when the draft is.
Suggested Team Names: The Mofongos; Puerto Rican Chris Jerichos; The Udonis Haslems
Prediction: The JJJs semi-shock the world, go 7-6 and grab a Wildcard. The streets of San Juan erupt in celebration when Emo takes his team to the second round of the playoffs before exiting.
JESUS AND PALS
DEVO Dance Party
Owner/GM: Jonathan “Jonny HIV” Ades
Last Season: 10-3, lost to Hollywood Hogwash in the first round of the playoffs
Keepers: Tony Romo (4), Beanie Wells (6), Michael Crabtree (14)
****
Marge: Now the cat needs his medication--
Homer: No problem.
Marge: --every morning and the furnace--
Homer: Can do.Marge: --has been putting off--Homer: Right.
Marge: --a lot of carbon monoxide--
Homer: Uh-huh.
Marge: --so keep the window open.
Homer: Gotcha - cat in the furnace!
From “Bart After Dark” (Season 5)
****
The use of the quote is self explanatory, but especially reminds us of one of our favorite Jonny HIV anecdotes. Back in 2001, Ades was enjoying life in his apartment in the A Building of Columbia Plaza when he started experiencing some disconcerting phenomena. He reported being regularly tired despite sleeping for 10-12 hour periods at a time. His short-term memory was off. He got lost buying a pack of cigarettes in Virginia. While none of this was out-of-the-ordinary, it turned out that Ades had been living with a gas leak in his apartment for weeks.
What’s the point? The point is that Ades is unbelievably lucky. It is somewhat amazing that he never managed to blow up his apartment…no, not somewhat amazing, it is incredible. This luck seemingly spreads to every part of his world – whether it’s getting a free set of driving gloves with his purchase of a new helicopter or managing to go 10-3 in the 2009 regular season while being on the bottom half of the league in terms of point total. DEVO Dance Party had a formidable roster in 2009, but the team never reached its full potential. A 10-3 regular season was impressive, but few were surprised at the first round playoff exit. It’s hard to pinpoint the Dance Party’s problems, although they likely start and end with the team’s name, which is among the worst the LRFL has seen since the days of “Handjobs Are the Antithesis of What I Stand For.” Ades’s players just couldn’t get behind the name, and rumors abounded that by playoff time they had given up on the team. “I ain’t never heard of no Devo,” Dance Party’s RB Ryan Grant said, “and that creepy owl on Mr. Ades’s deck was giving me the heebyjeebies all year.”
Upset with his team’s playoff collapse, Jonny HIV cleaned house this offseason, making some surprising keeper choices in the process. Rather than keep Randy Moss (at the admittedly high cost of a 1st round pick) or Greg Jennings (at the seemingly low cost of a late 3rd round pick), Ades kept Beanie Wells and Michael Crabtree. Wells provides little value, costing the Dance Party the second pick in the sixth round, and while Crabtree certainly could exceed the output of your normal 14th rounder, he is an unknown quantity. We do think that keeping Tony Romo was a good move even if he’s no longer banging the voluptuous Jessica Simpson. Romo has looked good this preseason and he’s got a lot of weapons down in Dallas. The real question is what Ades will do with his first round pick, the 7th overall. Everyone knows that Ades covets Anquan Boldin, who may very well be sitting there when Ades picks. Nevertheless, Ades spurned Bird Form’s proposed trade that would have allowed the Dance Party to move up and lock down Boldin (reportedly the offer involved a pick exchange along with Ades’s new dog and his diamond-encrusted crab mallet). It’s that unwillingness to wheel and deal that may plague Ades this season and force the Dance Party back to the bottom of the division.
Biggest Plus Factors: Two years running of fantasy luck; food store running special on brie; Ades survived the gas leak incident.
Biggest Minus Factors: Let major WR talent walk away; “Whacko for Flacco” temporary tattoo starting to fade; Ades can’t stop secretly wearing purple Bart Scott jersey under his work clothes.
Suggested Team Names: Ades2B; Ades-burgers in Paradise; Ades n’ Stuff
Prediction: The Dance Party falls back to Earth, doomed by bad draft position and a more competitive division. 5-8 regular season, first round exit in the Bizzarro Playoffs, followed by Ades blowing lines of old bay.
Danger Monkey
Owner/GM: Sethadiah Pruss
Last Season: 8-5, lost to the FFHBs in the first round of the playoffs
Keepers: Calvin Johnson (1), Aaron Rodgers (3), Mike Sims-Walker (15)
****
Ralph: [to Chief Wiggum] Daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you!
Skinner: Better start eating, kid!
From “The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase” (Episode 24)
****
We had to throw this quote to the lone father in the LRFL, Mr. Sethadiah Pruss. Indeed, in 2009, Pruss was just a month or so into fatherhood and it clearly affected Danger Monkey’s season. Not that the season was so bad. Danger Monkey put up a solid 8-5 record in the regular season, scored the 4th most amount of points in the league, and secured a Wildcard berth. Yet, something was amiss. Pruss’s squad dropped its first two division games, including a humbling 80 point loss to then-titled Pontoon Boats, which was only salvaged with Danger Monkey went 3-0 in the second round of Jesus and Pals games. And, in spite of the record, none of Danger Monkey’s wins were particularly impressive outside of the 100+ point drubbing the team put on Bird Form late in the year. In truth, it was amazing that Danger Monkey put up the amount of points it did. One look at that roster, in its clear it was poo city. Pruss’s group of running backs included the hugely disappointing Matt Forte (who looked like a preseason gem), the aging Ricky Williams, the perennially underachieving Jerious Norwood, the subtastic Jerome Harrison, and the concussion-plagued brain of Brian Westbrook. Pruss’s WR group faired no better. Mike Sims-Walker was the lone bright spot in a corps that featured bust-of-the-year candidate Calvin Johnson, the injured Wes Welker, and the ball-sack that is Lee Evans. If it wasn’t for the twin talents of Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre, Danger Monkey would have been much worse.
Danger Monkey remains one of the biggest mysteries heading into 2010. Pruss has been a strong manager in recent years, but his keeper choices don’t necessarily inspire confidence. Calvin Johnson is probably not worth Danger Monkey’s 1st rounder (could have been the 7th overall) where bigger WR talents may have been available. Aaron Rodgers was a no-brainer, as he is predicted to be the highest-scoring QB this year, and no one can quibble with Mike Sims-Walker for a 15th. That said, several analysts see a down year from Sims-Walker as defenses are now aware of him and will key up accordingly. While Danger Monkey’s keepers present a small problem, even greater problems await. There is a swirling rumor that Pruss has sunk a good ¾ of his team’s payroll into Bonobos pants and polos, and that he may have an additional $1.7 million earmarked for the new line of cardigans expected out this fall (Limes owner Rickles Gittles reportedly has put in a similar offer in the neighborhood of $1.5 million). And, of course, we can’t forget that Pruss has been one of the most active GMs in the trade department in the past few years. While he’s yet to make a serious blunder, it’s only a matter of time before Danger Monkey ends up on the wrong side of a Lucky Pierre. Finally, other owners (and even some of the players) feel that Pruss’s franchise name has gotten stale. No one fears Danger Monkey anymore, even if he’s dressed like a ninja. Will Pruss cave and change it up this year? That is just one of the major questions hanging over the 2010 LRFL season.
Biggest Plus Factors: LRFL point system rewards gun-slinging QBs; New Scarsdale, NY team headquarters; bocce set finally good and broken in.
Biggest Minus Factors: Megatron = mega-disappointing; distance from Paul Smith; Quinn on verge of walking/talking, likely resulting in Danger Monkey taking Jemarcus Russell in the 9th round of the draft.
Suggested Team Names: Pitfall Chimpanzee; Jeopardy Gorilla; Peril Baboon
Prediction: Danger Monkey rides Rodgers to another 9-4 regular season record, but again fails to make the championship game after Rodgers gets caught up in torrid scandal with Leighton Meester.
Nunchuk Nate’s Day-Walker Dojo (formerly Pontoon Boats)
Owner/GM: Evan “Hong Kong Drago” Schmidt
Last Season: 4-9, beat the Jesus Juice Junkies in the first round of the Bizzarro Playoffs
Keepers: Frank Gore (1), Matt Schaub (5), Miles Austin (14)
****
Bart: [calling from outside a window of his factory] Hey, Milhouse! You want a job in my factory?
Milhouse: You don't have a factory.
Bart: Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not?
Milhouse: Okay!
From “Homer’s Enemy” (Season 8, Episode 23)
****
The funniest subplot of the offseason is undoubtedly Dojo GM/owner Hong Kong Drago’s appointment to the three-member Rules Committee. Throughout 2009, Drago was made to believe that membership on the committee was a thing to covet, when in truth it will result in nothing but scores of annoying emails and angry communications from owners about the minutiae of the league’s rules. Moreover, as the junior member of the committee, Drago will most likely find his participation limited to writing things down on a notepad at the AAB and tearing up the little pieces of paper that the attending GMs use to vote on new rule proposals. What a sucker! Of course, Drago is also responsible for the funniest subplot of the 2009 regular season, which was of course the insane amount of waiver wire fees the Dojo racked up over the course of the season. By Week 13, Drago owed the league office $27.50 (nearly double the second highest team total), including three separate $1 taxes for picking up and dropping a player within the same week. As we all remember, the waiver wire fee rule was created just for Drago, and he certainly did not disappoint in 2009.
A full paragraph and we haven’t said a word about the Dojo’s actual 2009 performance. What is there to say? Like years past, all those waiver wire pickups failed to amount to anything resembling a winning team. The Dojo finished with a 4-9 regular season record, including dropping the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl to the Commish’s squad. The Dojo finished in the bottom four of the Power Rankings, which was shocking considering that by year’s end the Dojo had the allstar talents of Tim Hightower, James Jones, Chris Brown, Marshawn Lynch, and Terrell Owens. The Dojo was also the first team that we can ever remember carrying two kickers and two defenses on its roster. In all honesty, had Drago not completely lucked out with Miles Austin, the Dojo was easily looking at a record that would have rivaled the Pills for worst in the league.
In 2010, it is likely that Drago will continue to cement his “league whipping-boy” reputation. Yet, we must say that we are impressed with Drago’s keeper selections. He did not have a ton to work with, and managed to come out with a #1 RB in Frank Gore (at the market value of a first rounder), a solid QB in Matt Schaub (slightly overvalued at the cost of a fifth rounder), and #1 WR in Miles Austin (with a tremendous value at the cost of a 14th rounder). We particularly like the Austin pick as he will not only be Tony Romo’s main man in Dallas but he will also celebrate each Dojo victory by planting his face firmly in Kim Kardashian’s ample backside. This is sure to give the Recap jokes throughout the year (not that Drago doesn’t do that anyway). Nevertheless, we still don’t see Drago’s squad having a good year. For starters, Drago will undoubtedly return to the “Pontoon Boats” moniker which has been one of the worst multiple-season names ever used. Drago also will likely make between two and six terrible trades during the course of the season which will decimate his team’s chemistry. Last, but certainly not least, there is that looming waiver wire fee and with league dues increased this year, Drago is going to have to watch himself. The league has hired Otis Matlin as it’s enforcer this year, and Drago doesn’t want to end up with any broken legs.
Biggest Plus Factors: Solid keepers for first time in franchise history; reportedly learned how to utilize the dreaded Kimura hold in the offseason; USC football transgressions temporarily take spotlight off of Michigan.
Biggest Minus Factors: Waiver wire tax; Kim Kardashian’s ass likely to distract Austin.
Suggested Team Names: The Ganglethors; The Rich-Rod Duffel Bags of Unmarked Bills; Denim Jacket Liberation Squad.
Prediction: Pressure from other owners causes Drago and his squad to crumble. We see a 4-9 regular season record and a trip to the Toilet Bowl.
Hartman in Bird Form
Owner/GM: Mike “Chicharito” Hartman
Last Season: 3-10, beat the Pills in the Toilet Bowl
Keepers: Tom Brady (2); Michael Turner (3); Jeremy Maclin (13)
****
Homer: Hey, what's all that commotion outside? Why, it's one of those pretzel wagons the movie stars are always talking about.
Lenny: (gasps) Here? At our plant?
Homer: That's right, Lenny. Let's all give in to deliciousness--The Pretzel Wagon way!( Everyone cheers)
Homer: Yeah! Homer's right!
From “The Twisted World of Marge Simpson” (Episode 11)
****
The only bright spot in Bird Form owner/GM Mike Hartman’s 2009 season was the bag of pretzels he brought to the AAB. The yeasty dough and sweet, spicy mustard helped to wipe away the bitter taste of a year that had many calling Hartman’s managerial skills into question. Looking back, Bird Form’s season was over before it started. Hartman chose to sacrifice his first three picks in the draft to keep Ladainian Tomlinson, Tom Brady, and Michael Turner. While Brady had a decent season, Tomlinson brought even less to the table than most expected, and Turner was out half the season with an injured ankle. Hartman’s keepers weren’t even close to his biggest problem though. Nope, the biggest problem was Hartman’s draft skills. In past seasons, Hartman was able to deftly navigate the draft, but it appeared that all logic and reason left his mind in 2009 in what can only be considered the worst draft by a team in LRFL history. Bird Form’s first pick was in the 4th round, and needing serious WR help, Hartman reached and took Bernard Berrian. He then followed this up with Kevin Walter in the 5th round (at this point, it was suspected that Hartman had been guzzling children’s cough syrup by the gallon) and Tory Holt and Lance Moore in the 7th. Hartman was able to net Jonathan Stewart in a trade, but overall, Bird Form came out of the draft with a roster with more holes than the plot of Avatar. It was with little fanfare that Bird Form sputtered to a 3-10 record (including two sub-100 point games) and an appearance in the Toilet Bowl.
In 2010, Hartman hopes to reverse his recent lapse of judgment and mount a serious challenge in the Jesus and Pals Division. Tom Brady and Michael Turner again make appearances on Bird Form’s roster and Brady has looked good in the preseason and Turner appears healthy. Bird Form also welcomes back Jeremy Maclin, who presents decent value at the cost of a 13th rounder if he can manage to stay healthy (his knee and shoulder say otherwise, causing further graying of Hartman’s hair). If Hartman can completely reverse his draft juju from a year ago, the 2010 incarnation of his squad might be a contender. Hartman will likely target WR with the third overall pick in the draft as that position has been his downfall over the last couple of seasons, although he is toying with the idea of drafting the first all-white WR corps in LRFL history. As Hartman noted in a press-conference last week, “when you have the opportunity to have Kevin Walter and Lance Moore on your team for two years in a row, you almost have to say yes.” Will Hartman once again over-think the draft in 2010, or will he return back to his mid 2000s form and vie for the division title? This is but one of the many questions that will be answered on Sunday night.
Biggest Plus Factors: healthy Turner; new team headquarters in southwest Center City; still controls the media.
Minus Factors: bad 2009 mojo; Bernard Berrian probably ending up on roster again; trouble reaching high cabinets in new facilities.
Suggested Team Names: The Reggie Cleveland Allstars; Runners in the Lane; Dog Biscuit Surprise
Prediction: Hartman’s team rebounds, goes 8-5 and takes a Wildcard spot. Falls in the playoffs when Brady’s knee, Turner’s ankle, and Maclin’s shoulder simultaneously explode.
***
That’s it ladies and gentlemen. We bid you adieu and will see you Sunday night. Get the pigs ready!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Top Worst/Best Picks in 2009 Draft
We're just hours a way from the kickoff of the 2009 LRFL season, but we'd be remiss if we didn't recount the worst and best picks of the draft. Without further ado:
Top 10 Worst:
#1: Tony Romo, First Round (#9 overall) - DEVO Dance Party (formerly Delta Sigma)
Presumably roped-in by the CBS analysts' rankings (which rated Romo as the best player available), GM Jon Ades selected Tony Romo with DEVO Dance Party's first round pick. In doing so, he passed up running backs Brandon Jacobs and Brian Westbrook, leaving him to start Thomas Jones as his #2. Romo, meanwhile, likely could have been had in the 4th or 5th round. Like his new name, Ades's decision with his first pick is quite distirbing.
#2: Marshawn Lynch, Fourth Round (#43 overall) - Pontoon Boats
Rather than shore up his receiving corps in the fourth round, perpetually underachieving GM Hong Kong Drago Schmidt chose Lynch, a perpetually underachieving running back on a horrible offense that just fired its offensive coordinator and who is suspended for the first three weeks of the season. Drago skipped receivers like Bernard Berrian, Anthony Gonzalez, Santonio Holmes, and Hines Ward, and running backs like Knowshon Moreno and Cedric Benson.
#3: Roy E. Williams, Second Round (#23 overall) - Brett Baker's Pill Bonanza Extravaganza
Despite not having a #2 running back, GM Jeremy Gilman reached for an overrated Roy Williams in the second round. Williams is, at best, a 4th round talent and the Extravaganza will be left to start either LenDale White and Jamal Lewis at running back on a weekly basis. The pick was an early dent in Gilman's campaign for "Most Improved Manager," although his email contributions to the LRFL so far have been a substantial upgrade from previous seasons.
#4: Stephen Gostkowski, Eleventh Round (#123 overall) - Douche Chills
Douche Chills GM Matt Katz is on vacation in Israel and decided to tap outside consultant Jake Matlin to run his war-room. Matlin did his best Katz impression and drafted Gostkowski, the first kicker taken, in the eleventh round. There is absolutely no excuse to take a kicker before the last round of the draft. The Douche Chills missed out on several potential sleepers and the remaining shreds of their dignity.
#5 (tie): Giants DST, Eighth Round (#96 overall) - Jesus Juice Junkies (formerly Gangstalicious Resurrection); Steelers DST, Ninth Round (#100 overall) - FFHBs
Like #4, Triple J GM Emo Pabon and FFHBs GM Bobby Frederickson IV reached and took defenses far too early. Though defenses are capable of putting up big points, there isn't much disparity, pointwise, between the top 15. More negative points to Federickson for panicking once he saw Emo take the first defense of the draft--it was if someone just put a plate of melon and prosciutto in front of him and he had no idea what to do.
#6: Carson Palmer, Fifth Round (#49 overall) - Jesus Juice Junkies
GM Emo Pabon makes a second appearance on this list for his pick of Carson Palmer with the first pick of the fifth round. Needing a solid #3 running back in light of questions surrounding Willie Parker, Pabon decided to take Palmer, a quarterback who was projected to go somewhere between round eight and round ten. Pabon later spent two draft picks on Eli Manning and Chad Pennington.
#7: Devin Hester, Sixth Round (#70 overall) - Douche Chills
The consensus is that the Douche Chills had one of the worst drafts. Hester was ranked high on several draft boards, but most of that was due to his name. He did not demonstrate an ability to develop a connection with Jay Cutler in the preseason and his route-running is suspect. Many analysts feel that Earl Bennett will be the better receiver in Chicago and the Douche Chills skipped out on Santana Moss, Tory Holt, and Derrick Mason in favor of Hester. Hey, at least Katz used his first rounder on Reggie Bush!
#8: Beanie Wells, Fifth Round (#57 overall) - DEVO Dance Party
Another name pick. In college, Wells was regularly injured and has already been banged up in the offseason. Once you add the facts that Arizona passes 75% of the time and that no Arizona running back has had a good year statwise in the 2000s, Ades's decision to take Wells so early seems as curious as the banana cream pie he ate on draft night.
#9: Desean Jackson, Third Round (#34 overall) - The Wiggle Jiggles (formerly El Che y los Guerrilleros)
El Che GM Eriq Keentsull admitted that this pick was based on his love for the Eagles. With Lee Evans, Braylon Edwards, Larry Johnson, and Knowshon Moreno hanging out there, Keentsull would have been wise to wait to pick Jackson until a later round where he would likely have been available. It was a shaky draft in general for Keentsull who was too busy admiring Bird Form GM Mike Hartman's basil plant to keep track of his picks.
#10: Bernard Berrian, Fourth Round (#44 overall) - Hartman in Bird Form
While Hartman's team entered the draft with a core of LaDainian Tomlinson, Michael Turner, and Tom Brady, Hartman in Bird Form did not have a pick until the fourth round and desparately needed to grab a receiver. Though the pickings were slim, Hartman probably put too much faith in Brett Farve's ability to get the ball to Berrian, who has never been a consistent pass-catcher. Hartman could, and probably should, have taken the more sure-handed Anthony Gonzalez or Hines Ward. Frazzled by the pick, Hartman later drafted two white wide receivers--never a good sign.
Honorable Mention: Jason Witten, Second Round (#18 overall) - Lunch Money (too early); Willie Parker, Third Round (#25 overall) - Jesus Juice Junkies (too early and sharing carries); Gred Olsen, Fifth Round (#56 overall) - Sweet Tangy Limes (too early and Cooley still on the board); Chris Cooley, Sixth Round (#61 overall) - Hollywood Hogwash (too early and based on man-love); John Carlson, Seventh Round (#76 overall) - Douche Chills (way too early); Percy Harvin, Eighth Round (#88 overall) - DEVO Dance Party (another name pick); Ted Ginn, Jr., Eighth Round (#91 overall) - Lunch Money (too early); Steve Smith, Eighth Round (#94 overall) - FFHBs (don't trust any NY receivers); Eli Manning, Tenth Round (#120 overall) - Jesus Juice Junkies (too early and took Palmer in the 5th).
Top 10 Best:
#1: James Davis, Tenth Round (#109 overall) - Hollywood Hogwash
Davis looked great in the preseason and there were even rumors that Jamal Lewis was going to be released. It is shocking that players like Steve Smith (NYG), Chris Chambers, and Patrick Crayton went ahead of Davis, who could be starting for Cleveland by mid-season. Hogwash GM Nate Matlin has come a long way since his Kinko's days.
#2: Donald Brown, Sixth Round (#68 overall) - Hartman in Bird Form
It wasn't a great draft for Bird Form GM Mike Hartman, but he managed to grab Brown late in the sixth round much to the chagrin of fellow GMs. Many are predicting Brown to have a great rookie season, potentially taking over Joe Addai's starting job in Indy. Considering Brown's potential, it was surprising to see other GMs reach for tightends Greg Olsen and Owen Daniels with earlier picks. If Brown pans out, Hartman will have enough depth at running back to trade for a much-needed receiver, although he has his eye on Brandon Stokley to complete the white receiver trifecta.
#3: Cadillac Williams, Twelfth Round (#136 overall) - DEVO Dance Party
Like Hartman, Dance Party GM Jon Ades did not have the strongest draft but he managed to make a few picks really count. Caddy Williams now sits atop the Buccaneers' depth chart, yet Williams went seven rounds after fellow Buc running back Derrick Ward. Although his stat lines will likely not wow anybody this season, Williams presents unbelievable value so late in the draft and clearly was a better pick than Devery Henderson, Domenick Hixon, and Joey Galloway who were taken in the picks leading up to Dance Party's selection.
#4: Chris Henry, Ninth Round (#107 overall) - Danger Monkey
Four preseason games, four touchdowns. The Bengals offense could be rejuvenated this year with a healthy Carson Palmer and Henry has shown a new dedication to the game of football that could catapult him into the limelight. The albariňo that GM Sethadiah Pruss was drinking during the draft must have been filled with magic pixie dust as Pruss had one of the best drafts of the night. Henry, taken after other GMs spent picks on Chris Chambers and Patrick Crayton, was Pruss's best value.
#5: Knowshon Moreno, Fifth Round (#51 overall) - Douche Chills
For most of the draft, consultant Jake Matlin executed GM Matt Katz's normal draft strategy to a T (i.e. making inexplicable picks that defy common sense). The primary exception was the Chills' fifth round selection of Knowshon Moreno. The braintrust in Denver is high on the rookie, and we see him putting up 900+ yards and potentially double-digit touchdowns. The pick will allow the Douche Chills to relegate Reggie Bush to his proper role as a #3 running back.
#6: Felix Jones, Sixth Round (#62 overall) - Danger Monkey
Felix Jones provides great value in the sixth round. Although he is #2 on the Cowboys' depth chart, he was getting serious touches last year before being injured and he made the most of them. Another solid pick for Pruss who laid the smacketh down to the off-season detractors who questioned his ability to manage his team in the face of fatherdom.
#7: LeSean McCoy, Seventh Round (#82 overall) - The Wiggle Jiggles
Jiggles GM Eriq Keentsull traded back into the seventh round to nab McCoy. While its not clear that he presents a better value in round seven than Jonathan Stewart (who Keentsull traded along with his 9th round pick to Bird Form for their 7th and 8th rounders), McCoy looked good in the preseason and could step up big when Brian Westbrook eventually gets injured. Keentsull's beard beetles approved with racous applause.
#8: Leon Washington, Ninth Round (#101 overall) - Hartman in Bird Form
Bird Form suprisingly makes its second appearance in the top ten best picks with the selection of Leon Washingon in the ninth round. Washington is another player on the verge of a breakout year, especially with only an aging Thomas Jones in front of him. Plus, any time you have a chance to take a guy named Leon, you do it.
#9: Ahmad Bradhshaw, Eighth Round (#85 overall) - Hollywood Hogwash
Bradshaw looked great last year when he had a chance to get carries. With Derrick Ward gone, Bradshaw becomes the second banana and it just feels like Brandon Jacobs is due for an injury. In the eighth round, Bradshaw was a no brainer for Matlin, despite the fact that he needed a third receiver. Value is value and a toll is a toll...if we don't get no tolls then we don't eat no rolls.
#10: Cedric Benson, Fifth Round (#55 overall) - Lunch Money
Though Lunch Money GM Paul Kennedy makes his first appearance in the besk pick top ten, he had a good draft based on needs. Benson looked like he finally got his proverbial shit together at the end of last year, and could be a solid #2 running back. We see decent numbers for him--at least similar or better than Joseph Addai and Marshawn Lynch who were taken earlier than Benson (can't stress enough how bad that Lynch pick was -- he's suspended, plays on perhaps the worst offense in the league and behind an already horrible offensive line that is now starting two rookies). Perhaps motivated by the press office's Season Preview, which predicted that Lunch Money would underwhelm in 2009, Kennedy drafted a team that looks to be an early championship contender.
Honorable Mention: Tory Holt, Seventh Round (#77 overall) - Hartman in Bird Form (Holt's not done yet); Steve Breaston, Eighth Round (#86 overall) - Danger Monkey (#2 WR numbers at a #4 price); Nate Washington, Eighth Round (#94 overall) - Douche Chills (sleeper potential); Chester Taylor, Ninth Round (#104 overall) - Sweet Tangy Limes (solid value in ninth); Glen Coffee, Eleventh Round (#126 overall) - Pontoon Boats (Drago shockingly makes good pick and gets handcuff for Gore); Zach Miller, Twelfth Round (#135 overall) - The Wiggle Jiggles (great value); Mike Bell, Twelfth Round (#137 overall) - Sweet Tangy Limes (getting week one start and could take carries from Lucky Pierre Thomas).
Monday, September 7, 2009
2009 LRFL Season Preview: The Search for More Shrimp
It's that great time of year when the air grows heavy with the hot morning dew, halter tops are in full effect, and El Che-owner Eriq Keentsull thinks about shaving his beard and unleashing a plague of dung beetles into the summer-kissed world. Yes, we're talking about the first drops from the cumulo-nimbus cloud of happiness and delight that is the La Resistance Football League. This season promises to continue the magic of 2008, with some new intriguing rules and 23% more crying from Pontoon Boats owner Evan "Hong Kong Drago" Schmidt. Here at the LRFL Office of Public Relations, we would be remiss if we didn't give an all-encompassing preview of the ensuing madness.
This year, there have been a lot of developments extrinsic to the LRFL, including the rise in popularity of Gmail and GChat which have spawned some of the greatest ideas known to man. In that vein, each franchise will be introduced by a quote taken from a real-life offseason GChat session involving some of the more notable franchise owners in the league (aka not Gilman). Without further ado:
Chili Con Carnival Division
Hollywood Hogwash (formerly The Nearly-Extinct Large-Headed Ginger Kids)
Owner/GM: Nathan "the Commish" Matlin
Last Season: 10-3 (Division Champ); lost in second round of playoffs to Lunch Money.
Keepers: Larry Fitzgerald (4), Peyton Manning (5). Chris Johnson (7)
Matlin: you already have a backpack full of stale pretzels anway
Danger Monkey's roster at the end of the 2008 season read like the starting lineup of the Pro Bowl: Matt Forte, Brandon Jacobs, Steven Jackson, Calvin Johnson, Wes Welker, Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez, Jason Witten, and Aaron Rodgers. Picking keepers for Pruss was like shooting fish in a barrel (town's the fish, people the barrel), but the media has questioned Pruss's decision to keep Aaron Rodgers as opposed to Steven Jackson, who would have cost a first rounder, or Roddy White or Tony Gonzalez, who would have each cost a sixth rounder. Rodgers is surely a great value at the cost of a 14th round pick, but many question whether he should be rated so high entering the season. Even if Rodgers costs little, we wonder whether it makes sense to give up the rights to known commodities in Jackson, White, Witten, and Gonzalez. Decisions like this aren't new to Danger Monkey, however. Pruss tends to be one of those GMs that constantly out-thinks himself, always tinkering with an already solid roster. Though it worked out in 2008 for the most part, that kind of over-analysis usually results in some very poor trade decisions from Pruss. When you add the distraction of his new child--which he disconcertingly refers to as "my man"--and his never-ending quest to strike the right facial pose in pictures with said baby, it is not entirely out of the question that Pruss could end up making some really bad decisions for Danger Monkey. We haven't even gotten to Pruss's 80 hour-a-week job as a blogger for thesejeansaresweet.com.
Fortunately for Pruss, Danger Monkey heads into the draft with a fool-proof starting duo of Johnson and Forte, both top-20 picks. Both players played significant roles in nabbing a division championship for Danger Monkey and both must live up to their 2009 hype for Pruss to repeat a deep playoff run. With Pruss having draft picks in the first four rounds, he should be able to add another solid running back and assemble an all-together frightening receiver group. As such, it's no surprise that Danger Monkey will be the early-season favorite in the Jesus and Pals Division. Pruss's nagging problem, as always, will be the direct phone line he keeps with Hong Kong Drago Schmidt. The phone line has led to countless horrible trades in previous seasons, and Pruss will be desparate for another human voice since his son cannot yet speak and his wife is involved in a torrid WordTwist affair with other league owners. Danger Monkey faces further problems as a result of its leaders's poor judgment. This offseason, Pruss has been openly and confusingly referring to his franchise as "America's team," both irking and drawing puzzled stares from other owners. Also angering fellow owners is Pruss's habit of soliciting roster and draft advice and then failing to return the same when asked. Surely all this is doing is painting a giant target on the back of Pruss's heather-gray cashmere cardigan. If Pruss can get out of his own way, Danger Monkey might have a chance--but that's a big if.
Bigget Plus Factors: Enters draft loaded with players and picks; recently retained private denim tailor to ensure Ades can't copy jeans; bocce skills.
Biggest Minus Factors: Poor trade judgment; still doesn't realize that Notre Dame isn't part of a division one conference.
Suggested Team Names: Blue Steel; The Manwhores; Baby Bjorn Ballers; My Men
Prediction: Danger Monkey goes 9-4 in the regular season, failing to repeat their 5-1 inter-division record from a year ago, and wins the division tie-breaker on overall points.
ΔΣ (Dark Side)
Owner/GM: Jonathan "Jonny HIV" Ades
Last Season: 7-6 (wildcard), lost in first round of playoffs to Lunch Money
Keepers: Randy Moss (2); Ryan Grant (3); Gregg Jennings (6)
Bigtime: so you know they give you a choice of ketchup or catsup at Hellburger? the catsup just looks so good in the bottle. it looks kind of thick and all crimson colored...like someone really cared for it. so i wanted some on my tater puffs and i took off the cap
This year, there have been a lot of developments extrinsic to the LRFL, including the rise in popularity of Gmail and GChat which have spawned some of the greatest ideas known to man. In that vein, each franchise will be introduced by a quote taken from a real-life offseason GChat session involving some of the more notable franchise owners in the league (aka not Gilman). Without further ado:
Chili Con Carnival Division
Hollywood Hogwash (formerly The Nearly-Extinct Large-Headed Ginger Kids)
Owner/GM: Nathan "the Commish" Matlin
Last Season: 10-3 (Division Champ); lost in second round of playoffs to Lunch Money.
Keepers: Larry Fitzgerald (4), Peyton Manning (5). Chris Johnson (7)
Matlin: you already have a backpack full of stale pretzels anway
Bigtime: next time you are in philly we are going to Reading Terminal and you are going to pay for me to fill a wagon-fullim just going to ask for a bucket of melted butter and brush it on myself
Matlin: i will wait till the wagon is full and then tip it over - boom. butter everywhere
Matlin: i will wait till the wagon is full and then tip it over - boom. butter everywhere
Bigtime: If you think im above eating pretzels and butter off the street, you are sorely mistaken.
To the Commish, a franchise owner who has been accused by certain other owners (Jon Ades) of some shady business and of not being above stooping to gain competitive advantages (see the 17-man roster he emerged with after last years's draft). In 2008, the Ginger Kids, beginning as the aptly-named Pubes on Soap, had quite a season. Nate Matlin--owner, general manager, and lead daywalker of the Kids--shocked everyone by displaying some real savvy in the draft. In seasons past, he was content to take bong hits and head to the local Kinko's where he executed his draft "strategy" to less-than-stellar results. Last year, however, Matlin drafted a strong combination of wily veterans (Larry Fitzgerald, Peyton Manning, Andre Johnson) and young talent (Chris Johnson, Desean Jackson) and the new approach was a great success early on. Of course, the bulbous-headed Commish could not maintain the momentum and started to panic, rightfully not trusting himself to have drafted a squad capable of winning the championship. He traded Andre Johnson and underperforming rookie Kevin Smith to El Che y los Guerrilleros for perrenial letdown Thomas Jones and Anthony Gonzalez. While Jones had a decent second half of the season, Anthony Gonzalez was released from the squad shortly after the trade and the Commish could never recoup the production of Andre Johnson. If only the trade was Matlin's biggest problem, he might have felt better about the 2008 campaign. As we all know, the Commish and his team again lost in the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl, the annual pissing contest between the respective franchises of Commissioner Matlin and Evan Schmidt where the loser's team is renamed by the winner. Thus, the Commish's team took on the moniker of the Nearly-Extinct Large-Headed Ginger Kids (credit goes to the genius intellect of Mike "Magic Elf" Hartman for dreaming that one up). Commissioner Matlin was disappointed: "Pubes on Soap...just rolls right off your tongue." Fortunately for Matlin, from dark shadows came a great light. The Kids were able to put the demoralizing loss aside and had a hell of a second half of the year, including a 5-game win streak to close out the regular season and ensure the division title. Being division champion was a huge coup for the Commish but, like so many teams before them, the Kids crashed and burned in the playoffs, putting up only 106.25 points against eventual champion Lunch Money. Matlin was left to go back to the drawing board.
Fans are curious to see if the Commish can wash off the stench of the playoff loss and regroup for the start of the 2009-2010 season. One can't help but think of the ghost of drafts past which has haunted Matlin for years. It brings to mind the 2006 Royal Football League draft, where a drunken enraged Matlin overturned his desk after an ill-fated Kevan Barlow pick in the 6th round. Matlin claims to have been spooked by a "sureptitious" Harms and A-Mart pop-in, but we all know that in reality, he crumbles under the pressures of draft day. Fortunately for the Commish, the newly minted Hollywood Hogwash (narrowly edging the Dreck Squad) heads into the 2009 draft with a formidable foundation. Larry Fitzgerald, surely a first-round talent, will only cost Hogwash a fourth round pick (much to the chagrin of Ades), and Peyton Manning for a fifth rounder and Chris Johnson for a seventh rounder have similar value. We wonder if Chris Johnson really has the talent to be a #1 running back with a svelt non-tequila drinking LenDale White behind his back, but with picks in rounds 1-3, Matlin should be able to set up a reliable group of backs and can play matchups. Yet, the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl looms like a dark cloud over Hogwash's season, much like the monstrous and heinous Lambda class loomed over GW's Kappa Sigma fraternity. Can he finally get one over on Drago this season? It remains to be seen.
Biggest Plus Factors: New foosball table; New Haven pizza; South African strippers; Lauren Tarantino
Biggest Minus Factors: Likelihood of unscrupulous panic trading; wife doesn't let him turn on the air conditioner; redheads to be extinct by 2012
Suggested Team Names: Air Conditioning (AC) United; The Tasty Beards; The 3-song Lunchtime Rockband Sets; Skittle Showers
Prediction: Hogwash finishes somewhere in the 9-4 range and grabs a wildcard.
Sweet Tangy Limes
Owner/GM: Eric "Rickles Gittles" Gittleman
Last Season: 9-4 (Wildcard); lost in second round of playoffs to Danger Monkey.
Keepers: Adrian Peterson (1), Steve Slaton (10), Kurt Warner (13)
Bigtime: "Enjoy it as a dessert beer, or tilt it back while sitting under a shady tree on a warm summer afternoon."
To the Commish, a franchise owner who has been accused by certain other owners (Jon Ades) of some shady business and of not being above stooping to gain competitive advantages (see the 17-man roster he emerged with after last years's draft). In 2008, the Ginger Kids, beginning as the aptly-named Pubes on Soap, had quite a season. Nate Matlin--owner, general manager, and lead daywalker of the Kids--shocked everyone by displaying some real savvy in the draft. In seasons past, he was content to take bong hits and head to the local Kinko's where he executed his draft "strategy" to less-than-stellar results. Last year, however, Matlin drafted a strong combination of wily veterans (Larry Fitzgerald, Peyton Manning, Andre Johnson) and young talent (Chris Johnson, Desean Jackson) and the new approach was a great success early on. Of course, the bulbous-headed Commish could not maintain the momentum and started to panic, rightfully not trusting himself to have drafted a squad capable of winning the championship. He traded Andre Johnson and underperforming rookie Kevin Smith to El Che y los Guerrilleros for perrenial letdown Thomas Jones and Anthony Gonzalez. While Jones had a decent second half of the season, Anthony Gonzalez was released from the squad shortly after the trade and the Commish could never recoup the production of Andre Johnson. If only the trade was Matlin's biggest problem, he might have felt better about the 2008 campaign. As we all know, the Commish and his team again lost in the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl, the annual pissing contest between the respective franchises of Commissioner Matlin and Evan Schmidt where the loser's team is renamed by the winner. Thus, the Commish's team took on the moniker of the Nearly-Extinct Large-Headed Ginger Kids (credit goes to the genius intellect of Mike "Magic Elf" Hartman for dreaming that one up). Commissioner Matlin was disappointed: "Pubes on Soap...just rolls right off your tongue." Fortunately for Matlin, from dark shadows came a great light. The Kids were able to put the demoralizing loss aside and had a hell of a second half of the year, including a 5-game win streak to close out the regular season and ensure the division title. Being division champion was a huge coup for the Commish but, like so many teams before them, the Kids crashed and burned in the playoffs, putting up only 106.25 points against eventual champion Lunch Money. Matlin was left to go back to the drawing board.
Fans are curious to see if the Commish can wash off the stench of the playoff loss and regroup for the start of the 2009-2010 season. One can't help but think of the ghost of drafts past which has haunted Matlin for years. It brings to mind the 2006 Royal Football League draft, where a drunken enraged Matlin overturned his desk after an ill-fated Kevan Barlow pick in the 6th round. Matlin claims to have been spooked by a "sureptitious" Harms and A-Mart pop-in, but we all know that in reality, he crumbles under the pressures of draft day. Fortunately for the Commish, the newly minted Hollywood Hogwash (narrowly edging the Dreck Squad) heads into the 2009 draft with a formidable foundation. Larry Fitzgerald, surely a first-round talent, will only cost Hogwash a fourth round pick (much to the chagrin of Ades), and Peyton Manning for a fifth rounder and Chris Johnson for a seventh rounder have similar value. We wonder if Chris Johnson really has the talent to be a #1 running back with a svelt non-tequila drinking LenDale White behind his back, but with picks in rounds 1-3, Matlin should be able to set up a reliable group of backs and can play matchups. Yet, the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl looms like a dark cloud over Hogwash's season, much like the monstrous and heinous Lambda class loomed over GW's Kappa Sigma fraternity. Can he finally get one over on Drago this season? It remains to be seen.
Biggest Plus Factors: New foosball table; New Haven pizza; South African strippers; Lauren Tarantino
Biggest Minus Factors: Likelihood of unscrupulous panic trading; wife doesn't let him turn on the air conditioner; redheads to be extinct by 2012
Suggested Team Names: Air Conditioning (AC) United; The Tasty Beards; The 3-song Lunchtime Rockband Sets; Skittle Showers
Prediction: Hogwash finishes somewhere in the 9-4 range and grabs a wildcard.
Sweet Tangy Limes
Owner/GM: Eric "Rickles Gittles" Gittleman
Last Season: 9-4 (Wildcard); lost in second round of playoffs to Danger Monkey.
Keepers: Adrian Peterson (1), Steve Slaton (10), Kurt Warner (13)
Bigtime: "Enjoy it as a dessert beer, or tilt it back while sitting under a shady tree on a warm summer afternoon."
Matlin: always makes my day easier
Bigtime: what could be better
Matlin: who cares what it tastes like, that description is awesome
Bigtime: definitely -- the only thing better would be if it was like "Our unique blend of hops and awesomeness is sure to blow your curly-haired friends valve."
Matlin: when we got krunked on the elf we just kept ordering not knowing how bad we were, it just tasted so good
Bigtime: it tastes like warm delicious fruit cake right out of the oven
Getting Steve Slaton for a 10th rounder couldn't be better than that shady tree and owner/GM Rickles Gittles likes Warner almost as much as he likes fruitcake. Ok, he doesn't really like fruitcake (or does he??) but you get the idea. Despite his solid keepers, Gittles will need to formulate a better draft strategy for the 2009 season. Last year, he shocked the world by taking supposed rookie phenom Darren McFadden with the 5th overall pick. The selection proved less than stellar as McFadden was a bust and rode the Limes' pine most of the season. In fact, the poor draft led the Limes to an abysmal 2-3 start, including an absolutely embarassing loss to the Face Fucked Hannukah Bears. "A loss is always tough," Gittles said when reached for comment after that game, "but losing to the FFHBs is like getting killed by Jiggly Puff in Smash Brothers...that means it's bad." The Limes' biggest problem last year: quarterback. Gittles waited until late in the draft to nab a signal caller and drafted the craptastic duo of Marc Bulger and Jason Campbell. Fortunately for Gittles, by late October Ludicrous Speed's season was over and owner/GM Mike Hartman was looking to unload Kurt Warner, who had by then emerged as a top 5 quarterback. For only a 7th round pick in the 2009 draft, Gittles finally added his man-crush to the Limes' roster. Gittles spent the rest of the season praying with Warner and his wife Brenda, and the Limes went on a huge run grabbing an elusive wildcard spot. The Limes even managed to take down 2008 champion El Che y los Guerrilleros in the first round of the playoffs before succumbing to Danger Monkey in round two.
Gittles will no doubt be looking to get over the hump this year (that's the playoff hump, not the Commish's gigantic head). He has told media that he's developed a three part plan to achieve success. Part one, go on a national carnival tour as a ring-toss apprentice eating every possible deep-fried food imaginable and 19 different colors of cotton candy. Part two, get a special japanese treatment on his jew-fro for permanent straightening. Part three, draft some solid wideouts to go with the strong starting roster of Peterson, Slaton, and Warner. Admittedly, the first two parts sound much more exciting and entertaining to the rest of the league, but the third part will probably be the most important to the Rickler's squad. The grapevine has Gittles targeting Steve Smith or Roddy White in round two. The grapevine also has Gittles regularly going to Thursday night bible chat with Kurt and Brenda. Will Jesus be enough in 2009? What if Gittles makes him a braised rib roast? The rest of the owners better hope that never happens or the LRFL could be all Gittles all the time.
Biggest Plus Factors: Steve Slaton; peanut-chicken stew, resemblance to Rockband character
Biggest Minus Factors: Valve issues; pictures of flat-ironed hair circulating internet; Jewish girls whose names go well with the word "bullion"
Suggested Team Names: The Explosive Valves; Pot Roasts of Fury; Beer-Braised Death Rays; Facebook Stalkers; Sweeter Tangier Limes
Prediction: The Limes stay healthy and go 10-3, taking the division.
GANGSTALICIOUS RESURECTION
Owner/GM: Emilio "Badelio" Pabon
Last Season: 6-7, lost (fortunately) in the Toilet Bowl
Keepers: Reggie Wayne (2), Anquan Boldin (4), DeAngelo Williams (9)
Getting Steve Slaton for a 10th rounder couldn't be better than that shady tree and owner/GM Rickles Gittles likes Warner almost as much as he likes fruitcake. Ok, he doesn't really like fruitcake (or does he??) but you get the idea. Despite his solid keepers, Gittles will need to formulate a better draft strategy for the 2009 season. Last year, he shocked the world by taking supposed rookie phenom Darren McFadden with the 5th overall pick. The selection proved less than stellar as McFadden was a bust and rode the Limes' pine most of the season. In fact, the poor draft led the Limes to an abysmal 2-3 start, including an absolutely embarassing loss to the Face Fucked Hannukah Bears. "A loss is always tough," Gittles said when reached for comment after that game, "but losing to the FFHBs is like getting killed by Jiggly Puff in Smash Brothers...that means it's bad." The Limes' biggest problem last year: quarterback. Gittles waited until late in the draft to nab a signal caller and drafted the craptastic duo of Marc Bulger and Jason Campbell. Fortunately for Gittles, by late October Ludicrous Speed's season was over and owner/GM Mike Hartman was looking to unload Kurt Warner, who had by then emerged as a top 5 quarterback. For only a 7th round pick in the 2009 draft, Gittles finally added his man-crush to the Limes' roster. Gittles spent the rest of the season praying with Warner and his wife Brenda, and the Limes went on a huge run grabbing an elusive wildcard spot. The Limes even managed to take down 2008 champion El Che y los Guerrilleros in the first round of the playoffs before succumbing to Danger Monkey in round two.
Gittles will no doubt be looking to get over the hump this year (that's the playoff hump, not the Commish's gigantic head). He has told media that he's developed a three part plan to achieve success. Part one, go on a national carnival tour as a ring-toss apprentice eating every possible deep-fried food imaginable and 19 different colors of cotton candy. Part two, get a special japanese treatment on his jew-fro for permanent straightening. Part three, draft some solid wideouts to go with the strong starting roster of Peterson, Slaton, and Warner. Admittedly, the first two parts sound much more exciting and entertaining to the rest of the league, but the third part will probably be the most important to the Rickler's squad. The grapevine has Gittles targeting Steve Smith or Roddy White in round two. The grapevine also has Gittles regularly going to Thursday night bible chat with Kurt and Brenda. Will Jesus be enough in 2009? What if Gittles makes him a braised rib roast? The rest of the owners better hope that never happens or the LRFL could be all Gittles all the time.
Biggest Plus Factors: Steve Slaton; peanut-chicken stew, resemblance to Rockband character
Biggest Minus Factors: Valve issues; pictures of flat-ironed hair circulating internet; Jewish girls whose names go well with the word "bullion"
Suggested Team Names: The Explosive Valves; Pot Roasts of Fury; Beer-Braised Death Rays; Facebook Stalkers; Sweeter Tangier Limes
Prediction: The Limes stay healthy and go 10-3, taking the division.
GANGSTALICIOUS RESURECTION
Owner/GM: Emilio "Badelio" Pabon
Last Season: 6-7, lost (fortunately) in the Toilet Bowl
Keepers: Reggie Wayne (2), Anquan Boldin (4), DeAngelo Williams (9)
Matlin: gittles and i will be in puerto rico at the AAB. with sharif...on the beach in our dresses
Bigtime: well i will be in puerto rico at the end of december. maybe i can hire that puerto rican girl to start the bacon whiskey and ill be able to search for a good butcher to provide us with all of our bacon needs
Matlin: whose got my bacon???
Bigtime: paella and mofongo and bacon explosion...what could be better than that?
What a difference a year makes for our Puerto Rican brother. What a difference a year makes. The Gs were amongst the bottom-feeders in 2007, never being able to put together a winning streak on the legs of their aging running backs. Owner/ GM Emilio Badelio Pabon managed to turn things around in 2008 and the Gs were much better than their 6-7 record would seem to indicate. The biggest change had to be the newly acquired waiver wire wizardry of Pabon, who nabbed DeAngelo Williams after he was released mid-season by Ludicrous Speed. Williams ended up finishing as a top five running back and gave the Gs a glimmer of hope. Pabon reportedly sent Hartman a nice fruit basket for his role in the acquisition. Unfortunately, the front office moves couldn't carry the day and there was too much amiss with the team to go on a serious run in the regular season. Pabon struggled to find a reliable quarterback, vascillating between the inadequate talents of Matt Schaub (eventually injured) and David Garrard. The Gs running back crew also was poor outside of Williams: Gs early season scoring leader Larry Johnson found himself on an indefinite stay on the Kansas City bench and Jamal Lewis's numbers sputtered with the Cleveland offense. Additionally, the Gs season took a big hit when Anquan Boldin's head exploded -- Emo supposedly saw footage of the injury after hotboxing the downstairs bathroom at the District Chophouse. Said an unnamed friend of Pabon's, "watching Boldin's head blow up blew Emo's mind which was blown when Boldin's head blew up from that hit." The injury took its toll, and Pabon never got active enough in the trade market to put together a winning roster.
One thing that the Gs can take solace in is the fact that all seven regular season losses were to playoff teams. Of course, this also means that the Gs are going to have to win at least two more division games this season to challenge for a playoff spot. The Gs appear to have a good starting base with Wayne, Boldin, and Williams, and also possess the first overall pick in the draft. We've heard inklings that Pabon is leaning towards shoring up his receiving corps with Roddy White, but he also supposedly likes Steven Jackson due to his shared hatred of haircuts. Pabon would be wise to take care of the quarterback position early on, lest he find himself in the same position as last year. The rest of the league is curious to see how Pabon executes his war-room from the small screen of his iPhone and whether the unreliable touchscreen will result in him taking Roddy Piper instead of Roddy White with the first pick. No matter how the draft goes though, the Gs must take down either the Limes in week two or Hollywood Hogwash in week three to make a statement that they are for real. As far as we know, there isn't an app for that (thanks, I'll be here all week).
Biggest Plus Factors: Waiver wire skills; iPhone typing ability; looks like a young version of Sean Connery's character in Highlander.
Biggest Minus Factors: Potential to get pony-tail caught in a bearing press, Matlin's comments about Puerto Ricans.
Suggested Team Names: Latino Heat; The Chimichongas (Commish suggestion); Not Quite America (ditto); Porn Staches
Prediction: The Gs finish 7-6, challenge for a wildcard spot but ultimately fall short.
Face Fucked Hannukah Bears
Owner/GM: Robert "Bobby" Frederickson IV
Last Season: 2-11, beat the Gs in the Toilet Bowl playoffs to avoid a repeat Toilet Bowl victory.
Keepers: Dallas Clark (7), Ray Rice (10), Antonio Bryant (15)
Gittles: so i think shmanet is throwing a happy hour tonight at ESL. Should i ask how the party went or is that a touchy subject?
What a difference a year makes for our Puerto Rican brother. What a difference a year makes. The Gs were amongst the bottom-feeders in 2007, never being able to put together a winning streak on the legs of their aging running backs. Owner/ GM Emilio Badelio Pabon managed to turn things around in 2008 and the Gs were much better than their 6-7 record would seem to indicate. The biggest change had to be the newly acquired waiver wire wizardry of Pabon, who nabbed DeAngelo Williams after he was released mid-season by Ludicrous Speed. Williams ended up finishing as a top five running back and gave the Gs a glimmer of hope. Pabon reportedly sent Hartman a nice fruit basket for his role in the acquisition. Unfortunately, the front office moves couldn't carry the day and there was too much amiss with the team to go on a serious run in the regular season. Pabon struggled to find a reliable quarterback, vascillating between the inadequate talents of Matt Schaub (eventually injured) and David Garrard. The Gs running back crew also was poor outside of Williams: Gs early season scoring leader Larry Johnson found himself on an indefinite stay on the Kansas City bench and Jamal Lewis's numbers sputtered with the Cleveland offense. Additionally, the Gs season took a big hit when Anquan Boldin's head exploded -- Emo supposedly saw footage of the injury after hotboxing the downstairs bathroom at the District Chophouse. Said an unnamed friend of Pabon's, "watching Boldin's head blow up blew Emo's mind which was blown when Boldin's head blew up from that hit." The injury took its toll, and Pabon never got active enough in the trade market to put together a winning roster.
One thing that the Gs can take solace in is the fact that all seven regular season losses were to playoff teams. Of course, this also means that the Gs are going to have to win at least two more division games this season to challenge for a playoff spot. The Gs appear to have a good starting base with Wayne, Boldin, and Williams, and also possess the first overall pick in the draft. We've heard inklings that Pabon is leaning towards shoring up his receiving corps with Roddy White, but he also supposedly likes Steven Jackson due to his shared hatred of haircuts. Pabon would be wise to take care of the quarterback position early on, lest he find himself in the same position as last year. The rest of the league is curious to see how Pabon executes his war-room from the small screen of his iPhone and whether the unreliable touchscreen will result in him taking Roddy Piper instead of Roddy White with the first pick. No matter how the draft goes though, the Gs must take down either the Limes in week two or Hollywood Hogwash in week three to make a statement that they are for real. As far as we know, there isn't an app for that (thanks, I'll be here all week).
Biggest Plus Factors: Waiver wire skills; iPhone typing ability; looks like a young version of Sean Connery's character in Highlander.
Biggest Minus Factors: Potential to get pony-tail caught in a bearing press, Matlin's comments about Puerto Ricans.
Suggested Team Names: Latino Heat; The Chimichongas (Commish suggestion); Not Quite America (ditto); Porn Staches
Prediction: The Gs finish 7-6, challenge for a wildcard spot but ultimately fall short.
Face Fucked Hannukah Bears
Owner/GM: Robert "Bobby" Frederickson IV
Last Season: 2-11, beat the Gs in the Toilet Bowl playoffs to avoid a repeat Toilet Bowl victory.
Keepers: Dallas Clark (7), Ray Rice (10), Antonio Bryant (15)
Gittles: so i think shmanet is throwing a happy hour tonight at ESL. Should i ask how the party went or is that a touchy subject?
Bigtime: touchy
Gittles: i won't smirk when i ask
Matlin: stay away from the subject
Gittles: it would be worse if i didn't ask though. its like the fat girl breaking a chair...you have to laugh
Matlin: true...always laugh at that
It's fairly obvious that when it comes to the LRFL, Bobby Frederickson's franchise is the fat girl breaking the chair...and it would be wrong if we didn't laugh. What is there to say about a team that has nothing? In 2008, Bobby forfeited the first overall pick in the draft, deciding to keep his 2007 first round pick, Rudi Huxtable Johnson, as the centerpiece of his club. Johnson didn't last 3 weeks on the roster, failing to ever record a single point for the FFHBs. As if that wasn't bad enough, Bobby's second round pick, Carson Palmer, was injured for most of the season and wasn't particularly good when he was under center. Third round pick, Laurence Maroney, only gave the FFHBs 93 yards of offense as a starter before being placed on injured reserve. Bobby's draft also included taking the first defense/special teams (Vikings in the seventh) and octogenarian Isaac Bruce in the eighth. It got worse from there. The FFHBs' season also included the trade of Roddy White to Danger Monkey for the somewhat resurgent Julius Jones. As we all know, White was one of the best receivers in the league last year and would have made a great keeper going into 2009. Jones returned to his craptastic ways in late 2008 and will be lucky to be drafted before the 10th round this season. Needless to say, the trade did nothing for the losing ways of the FFHBs. As a quick example, shortly after the trade, Bobby's running back platoon consisted of Jones, LeRon McClain, Ricky Williams, Shaun Alexander, and Correll Buckhalter. It would have been awesome if it was 5 years ago, but it wasn't exactly a murderers row in 2008. The FFHBs finished at the bottom of the power rankings, scored the least amount of points, and had the dubious distinction of having five--yes five--sub-100 point game. This included a week one loss in which they scored only 59.25 points against the Gs (avoiding the LRFL record for least points scored in a game by one point). The only thing that prevented the franchise from completely imploding is that they managed to avoid a second straight loss in the LRFL Toilet Bowl, besting the Gs in the second round of the TB playoffs by unfathomably putting up 180 points.
Other owners have speculated that Bobby's second career as a young associate in a large Boston-based law firm is clouding his football brain. There is also a rumor that there is some potentially-damaging video of him attempting to swing-dance at Hartman's wedding, which may be weighing on his managerial decisions. However, the Office of Public Relations recently discovered that Bobby has, in fact, been moonlighting as a cereal box model:
It's fairly obvious that when it comes to the LRFL, Bobby Frederickson's franchise is the fat girl breaking the chair...and it would be wrong if we didn't laugh. What is there to say about a team that has nothing? In 2008, Bobby forfeited the first overall pick in the draft, deciding to keep his 2007 first round pick, Rudi Huxtable Johnson, as the centerpiece of his club. Johnson didn't last 3 weeks on the roster, failing to ever record a single point for the FFHBs. As if that wasn't bad enough, Bobby's second round pick, Carson Palmer, was injured for most of the season and wasn't particularly good when he was under center. Third round pick, Laurence Maroney, only gave the FFHBs 93 yards of offense as a starter before being placed on injured reserve. Bobby's draft also included taking the first defense/special teams (Vikings in the seventh) and octogenarian Isaac Bruce in the eighth. It got worse from there. The FFHBs' season also included the trade of Roddy White to Danger Monkey for the somewhat resurgent Julius Jones. As we all know, White was one of the best receivers in the league last year and would have made a great keeper going into 2009. Jones returned to his craptastic ways in late 2008 and will be lucky to be drafted before the 10th round this season. Needless to say, the trade did nothing for the losing ways of the FFHBs. As a quick example, shortly after the trade, Bobby's running back platoon consisted of Jones, LeRon McClain, Ricky Williams, Shaun Alexander, and Correll Buckhalter. It would have been awesome if it was 5 years ago, but it wasn't exactly a murderers row in 2008. The FFHBs finished at the bottom of the power rankings, scored the least amount of points, and had the dubious distinction of having five--yes five--sub-100 point game. This included a week one loss in which they scored only 59.25 points against the Gs (avoiding the LRFL record for least points scored in a game by one point). The only thing that prevented the franchise from completely imploding is that they managed to avoid a second straight loss in the LRFL Toilet Bowl, besting the Gs in the second round of the TB playoffs by unfathomably putting up 180 points.
Other owners have speculated that Bobby's second career as a young associate in a large Boston-based law firm is clouding his football brain. There is also a rumor that there is some potentially-damaging video of him attempting to swing-dance at Hartman's wedding, which may be weighing on his managerial decisions. However, the Office of Public Relations recently discovered that Bobby has, in fact, been moonlighting as a cereal box model:
Now in 2009, Bobby must dig down deep, turn his modeling career aside, and get back to his duties as GM of the FFHBs. Unfortunately, his keepers have started him out on the wrong foot. While Antonio Bryant--a top 20 receiver--is a great value for a 15th pick, Dallas Clark probably would have gone in the 6th or 7th round, and Ray Rice's season is as unpredictable as a Magic Hat sampler pack. We certainly don't think that he's a reliable #2 running back. Bobby will need to exercise some real savvy in the draft and fellow GMs are dying to see what he does with the 4th overall pick. We hear Edgerin James is available.
Biggest Plus Factors: Used to losing.
Biggest Minus Factors: Used to losing.
Suggested Team Names: Models, Inc.; FC Skechers; Badunkadunks; Rudi Johnson Relief Fund
Prediction: Bobby's franchise repeats its 2-11 performance, finishes at the bottom of the power rankings, and finally sets the record for least amount of points scored in a game.
Faith + 1 Division
Lunch Money
Owner/GM: Paul Kennedy
Last Season: 9-4 (Division Champ); defeated Danger Monkey in LRFL Championship
Keepers: Drew Brees (4), Kevin Smith (6), Pierre Thomas (15)
Bigtime: oh, this? this is a triple-cream brie from southwestern france. the cows feed exclusively on allspice and wheatberries.
League champion Lunch Money returns stocked with Grade A keepers that will cost little in the way of draftpicks. Owner/GM Paul Kennedy has reportedly been going all over town telling people how good his team is and calling all of the other owners "pear-shaped losers." In other words, he's turned into a bit of an elitest. How did Lunch Money get to this position of prominence? It was obvious to all that the team needed a fresh start after it crashed and burned in the 2007 playoffs. The primary culprit was Kennedy's chosen team name, the Rape Stand, which could only be described as a truly awful idea. Rechristening his team Lunch Money, Kennedy embarked on a new run-heavy philosophy and displayed true draft genius. He initially drew jeers when he took Drew Brees with the 13th overall pick despite already having the quarterback and Jessica Simpson-pearl-necklacing skills of Tony Romo on his roster. Kennedy quickly quieted his critics, however, picking up a week one win over the Douche Chills where his team scored nearly 150 points all while starting Santonio Holmes, Jerricho Cotchery, and Kevin Walter at wide receiver. It was predicted that the weak receiver corps of Lunch Money would prevent Kennedy from once again unleashing his fury on the league. Instead, Lunch Money rolled through its first four opponents and Kennedy found himself with the top-ranked receiving corps in the league. Soon after, Tony Romo broke his thumb while giving Simpson a "bowling ball," and the Brees pick was looking pretty good. The 2008 season was not without its struggles though -- Lunch Money dropped three games in a row late in the season (including a soul-crushing 0.5 point loss to the Pontoon Boats), giving El Che y los Guerrilleros a chance to take the division. Like any good team does, however, Lunch Money beat who they were supposed to beat, both destroying the Douche Chills in week twelve and beating the welcome-mat resembling Handjobs in week thirteen. From there, Lunch Money went on a fairly easy road to playoff victory, culminating in a championship win against the Sethadiah Pruss-led Danger Monkey.
Heading into 2009 there are lingering questions about Kennedy's team. Can they hold up to the pressure of repeating? Will Kennedy finally get a good team name? Will Drago ever make amends for drinking Kennedy's bottle of red wine? One thing that is not in question is Kennedy's management skills. He heads into the season with three top-36 players on his roster, yet somehow still has picks in the first three rounds of the draft. We expect big things from Drew Brees and Kevin Smith and although something is askew with Pierre Thomas's knee, much like something is askew with Kennedy's pronunciation of the word "scallop," he is a more than serviceable #2 running back and costs next-to-nothing. The team still lacks a bona fide #1 running back and will need to add some talented receivers to have a chance at challenging for the title once again. In reality though, the only thing holding the team back is Kennedy's new position with the Chicago Blackhawks, which will undoubtedly cut into the time he can spend managing Lunch Money (clearly the more important and more successful franchise). Commissioner Matlin is reportedly unhappy that Kennedy's full attention might not be devoted to the LRFL: "Unless this leads to a Hartman-themed "Beard Night" at a Blackhawks home game," he said earlier in the week, "this may be grounds for expulsion." Owner owners have also expressed some discontent that Kennedy did not attend the 2008 Annual Awards Banquet in Washington, DC. Pruss was particularly upset, as he had to wait for his regular-season points championship trophy to arrive in the mail. Pruss was visibly upset when talking to reporters earlier in the week: "Not getting that trophy in person was like showing up for a guys-weekend and one of your buddies is wearing the same jeans as you. You guys know what I'm talking about...right?" Kennedy has promised to maintain his LRFL activity but he clearly has his detractors. The coming weeks will show whether his squad is ready to return to the Elysian fields of victory.
Biggest Plus Factors: Keeper value; more free time after abandoning his duties with the LRFL Public Relations Office to join the press office of a "real" sports franchise.
Biggest Minus Factors: Pressure to repeat; no one being able to confirm or deny that Kennedy still shaves his chest.
Suggested Team Names: The Chicago Blackcocks; The Abe Fromans; The No Talent MassClowns
Prediction: Lunch Money proves to be a one-year wonder, regresses and falls to 7-6, and misses out on the division championship based on head-to-head with El Che.
El Che y Los Guerrilleros
Biggest Plus Factors: Used to losing.
Biggest Minus Factors: Used to losing.
Suggested Team Names: Models, Inc.; FC Skechers; Badunkadunks; Rudi Johnson Relief Fund
Prediction: Bobby's franchise repeats its 2-11 performance, finishes at the bottom of the power rankings, and finally sets the record for least amount of points scored in a game.
Faith + 1 Division
Lunch Money
Owner/GM: Paul Kennedy
Last Season: 9-4 (Division Champ); defeated Danger Monkey in LRFL Championship
Keepers: Drew Brees (4), Kevin Smith (6), Pierre Thomas (15)
Bigtime: oh, this? this is a triple-cream brie from southwestern france. the cows feed exclusively on allspice and wheatberries.
League champion Lunch Money returns stocked with Grade A keepers that will cost little in the way of draftpicks. Owner/GM Paul Kennedy has reportedly been going all over town telling people how good his team is and calling all of the other owners "pear-shaped losers." In other words, he's turned into a bit of an elitest. How did Lunch Money get to this position of prominence? It was obvious to all that the team needed a fresh start after it crashed and burned in the 2007 playoffs. The primary culprit was Kennedy's chosen team name, the Rape Stand, which could only be described as a truly awful idea. Rechristening his team Lunch Money, Kennedy embarked on a new run-heavy philosophy and displayed true draft genius. He initially drew jeers when he took Drew Brees with the 13th overall pick despite already having the quarterback and Jessica Simpson-pearl-necklacing skills of Tony Romo on his roster. Kennedy quickly quieted his critics, however, picking up a week one win over the Douche Chills where his team scored nearly 150 points all while starting Santonio Holmes, Jerricho Cotchery, and Kevin Walter at wide receiver. It was predicted that the weak receiver corps of Lunch Money would prevent Kennedy from once again unleashing his fury on the league. Instead, Lunch Money rolled through its first four opponents and Kennedy found himself with the top-ranked receiving corps in the league. Soon after, Tony Romo broke his thumb while giving Simpson a "bowling ball," and the Brees pick was looking pretty good. The 2008 season was not without its struggles though -- Lunch Money dropped three games in a row late in the season (including a soul-crushing 0.5 point loss to the Pontoon Boats), giving El Che y los Guerrilleros a chance to take the division. Like any good team does, however, Lunch Money beat who they were supposed to beat, both destroying the Douche Chills in week twelve and beating the welcome-mat resembling Handjobs in week thirteen. From there, Lunch Money went on a fairly easy road to playoff victory, culminating in a championship win against the Sethadiah Pruss-led Danger Monkey.
Heading into 2009 there are lingering questions about Kennedy's team. Can they hold up to the pressure of repeating? Will Kennedy finally get a good team name? Will Drago ever make amends for drinking Kennedy's bottle of red wine? One thing that is not in question is Kennedy's management skills. He heads into the season with three top-36 players on his roster, yet somehow still has picks in the first three rounds of the draft. We expect big things from Drew Brees and Kevin Smith and although something is askew with Pierre Thomas's knee, much like something is askew with Kennedy's pronunciation of the word "scallop," he is a more than serviceable #2 running back and costs next-to-nothing. The team still lacks a bona fide #1 running back and will need to add some talented receivers to have a chance at challenging for the title once again. In reality though, the only thing holding the team back is Kennedy's new position with the Chicago Blackhawks, which will undoubtedly cut into the time he can spend managing Lunch Money (clearly the more important and more successful franchise). Commissioner Matlin is reportedly unhappy that Kennedy's full attention might not be devoted to the LRFL: "Unless this leads to a Hartman-themed "Beard Night" at a Blackhawks home game," he said earlier in the week, "this may be grounds for expulsion." Owner owners have also expressed some discontent that Kennedy did not attend the 2008 Annual Awards Banquet in Washington, DC. Pruss was particularly upset, as he had to wait for his regular-season points championship trophy to arrive in the mail. Pruss was visibly upset when talking to reporters earlier in the week: "Not getting that trophy in person was like showing up for a guys-weekend and one of your buddies is wearing the same jeans as you. You guys know what I'm talking about...right?" Kennedy has promised to maintain his LRFL activity but he clearly has his detractors. The coming weeks will show whether his squad is ready to return to the Elysian fields of victory.
Biggest Plus Factors: Keeper value; more free time after abandoning his duties with the LRFL Public Relations Office to join the press office of a "real" sports franchise.
Biggest Minus Factors: Pressure to repeat; no one being able to confirm or deny that Kennedy still shaves his chest.
Suggested Team Names: The Chicago Blackcocks; The Abe Fromans; The No Talent MassClowns
Prediction: Lunch Money proves to be a one-year wonder, regresses and falls to 7-6, and misses out on the division championship based on head-to-head with El Che.
El Che y Los Guerrilleros
Owner/GM: Eriq Keentsull
Last Season: 8-5 (wildcard), lost in first round of playoffs to the Sweet Tangy Limes
Keepers: Andre Johnson (1), Jonathan Stewart (7), Phillip Rivers (10)
Matlin: i would go see Tebow preachin if he put out some crablegs
Last Season: 8-5 (wildcard), lost in first round of playoffs to the Sweet Tangy Limes
Keepers: Andre Johnson (1), Jonathan Stewart (7), Phillip Rivers (10)
Matlin: i would go see Tebow preachin if he put out some crablegs
Bigtime: who doesnt like crab legs?
Matlin: i know jesus does
Bigtime: thats why he made them that way
Matlin: are you claiming jesus came up with crabs?
Bigtime: yes that is exactly what I am claiming
El Che y los Guerrilleros, championed by our resident Jesus look-a-like (who, unfortunately, does not eat crab legs), took the LRFL by storm in 2007, winning the championship and striking a blow for poorly-named franchises everywhere. 2008 was a bit of a different story. Keentsull's team had a rough 1-3 start to the year and could never really get its mojo going. Many suspected that the team lost its winning ways because Keentsull was heartbroken once Hartman's cousin-in-law spurned his amorous advances after finding out that Keentsull was a real-deal hippy and not some poser pseudo-hippy hipster dude. The real story, however, is that Keentsull was heartbroken when his rutabaga crop was infested by a rowdy bunch of aphids, leaving it to ruin. El Che did have a nice mid-season run, stringing together five straight wins, but ultimately it could not maintain the momentum and had a crushing 5-point loss to the Matt Katz-helmed Douche Chills in week thirteen. Failing to win the division, the team all but rolled over in the playoffs and the once-rich fields of El Che lay fallow. His spirits crushed, Keentsull moved to no-mans land in Philadelphia, where he has taken to using his own feces to draw up and revise his draft board on his living-room wall. In related news, other Philadelphia-based GMs will not be drafting at the El Che headquarters.
While he couldn't repeat as champ in 2008, Keentsull made some keen in-season moves that have set his team up for success in 2009. He acquired Andre Johnson in the aforementioned trade with the Ginger Kids and picked up Phillip Rivers from Ludicrous Speed for his 2009 seventh round draft pick. Both players will be on the El Che roster heading into this season and should put up some big points. Keentsull also finds value in Jonathan Stewart for a seventh round pick, although Stewart appears a bit hobbled and DeAngelo Williams has so far looked like a monster in the preseason. This points to Keentsull's need to still draft two starting running backs early on and thsi could ultimately hurt his ability to put together a winning roster. Another problem for El Che heading into 2009 include Keentsull's new team rule requiring players to travel exclusively by bicycle. Some GMs think that this may prevent the team from arriving to practice and games on time. Rickles Gittles, for one, saw better alternatives, commenting that Keentsull could have simply bought every player a Prius which is 100% powered by good vibes and positive thinking. Other GMs also have noted that Keentsull's patruli stink continues to disorient his team whenever they try to run the two-minute drill. It's tough to say whether Keentsull will be able to get these issues straightened out before the season starts, but if he can teach urbanites to set up compost piles in their apartments, then certainly he should be able to teach his players about the benefits of holistic living. Whether this results in a championship is a horse, er, a horseradish of an entirely different color.
Biggest Plus Factors: Inexplicable fantasy luck; weak division; spiders living in dreadlocks keep flies out.
Biggest Minus Factors: DeAngelo Williams; tomato blight; olfactory nerves of others.
Suggested Team Names: The Fighting Rhubarb; Is That Vegan?; Beard Beetles; The Communist Socalist Lefty Pinko Radicals
Prediction: El Che also takes a step back and finishes 7-6, with two of those wins coming against Kennedy thus guaranteeing the division championship.
Douche Chills
Owner/GM: Matt Katz
Last Season: 5-8, defeated the Pontoon Boats in first round of Toilet Bowl playoffs
Keepers Reggie Bush (1), Clinton Portis (3), Matt Ryan (15)
Matlin: you don't pop your head in the window and look when they ride by -- especially when you hear woo woo
El Che y los Guerrilleros, championed by our resident Jesus look-a-like (who, unfortunately, does not eat crab legs), took the LRFL by storm in 2007, winning the championship and striking a blow for poorly-named franchises everywhere. 2008 was a bit of a different story. Keentsull's team had a rough 1-3 start to the year and could never really get its mojo going. Many suspected that the team lost its winning ways because Keentsull was heartbroken once Hartman's cousin-in-law spurned his amorous advances after finding out that Keentsull was a real-deal hippy and not some poser pseudo-hippy hipster dude. The real story, however, is that Keentsull was heartbroken when his rutabaga crop was infested by a rowdy bunch of aphids, leaving it to ruin. El Che did have a nice mid-season run, stringing together five straight wins, but ultimately it could not maintain the momentum and had a crushing 5-point loss to the Matt Katz-helmed Douche Chills in week thirteen. Failing to win the division, the team all but rolled over in the playoffs and the once-rich fields of El Che lay fallow. His spirits crushed, Keentsull moved to no-mans land in Philadelphia, where he has taken to using his own feces to draw up and revise his draft board on his living-room wall. In related news, other Philadelphia-based GMs will not be drafting at the El Che headquarters.
While he couldn't repeat as champ in 2008, Keentsull made some keen in-season moves that have set his team up for success in 2009. He acquired Andre Johnson in the aforementioned trade with the Ginger Kids and picked up Phillip Rivers from Ludicrous Speed for his 2009 seventh round draft pick. Both players will be on the El Che roster heading into this season and should put up some big points. Keentsull also finds value in Jonathan Stewart for a seventh round pick, although Stewart appears a bit hobbled and DeAngelo Williams has so far looked like a monster in the preseason. This points to Keentsull's need to still draft two starting running backs early on and thsi could ultimately hurt his ability to put together a winning roster. Another problem for El Che heading into 2009 include Keentsull's new team rule requiring players to travel exclusively by bicycle. Some GMs think that this may prevent the team from arriving to practice and games on time. Rickles Gittles, for one, saw better alternatives, commenting that Keentsull could have simply bought every player a Prius which is 100% powered by good vibes and positive thinking. Other GMs also have noted that Keentsull's patruli stink continues to disorient his team whenever they try to run the two-minute drill. It's tough to say whether Keentsull will be able to get these issues straightened out before the season starts, but if he can teach urbanites to set up compost piles in their apartments, then certainly he should be able to teach his players about the benefits of holistic living. Whether this results in a championship is a horse, er, a horseradish of an entirely different color.
Biggest Plus Factors: Inexplicable fantasy luck; weak division; spiders living in dreadlocks keep flies out.
Biggest Minus Factors: DeAngelo Williams; tomato blight; olfactory nerves of others.
Suggested Team Names: The Fighting Rhubarb; Is That Vegan?; Beard Beetles; The Communist Socalist Lefty Pinko Radicals
Prediction: El Che also takes a step back and finishes 7-6, with two of those wins coming against Kennedy thus guaranteeing the division championship.
Douche Chills
Owner/GM: Matt Katz
Last Season: 5-8, defeated the Pontoon Boats in first round of Toilet Bowl playoffs
Keepers Reggie Bush (1), Clinton Portis (3), Matt Ryan (15)
Matlin: you don't pop your head in the window and look when they ride by -- especially when you hear woo woo
Bigtime: what happens?
Matlin: danger
The above exchange could refer to Katz's new digs -- a burgeoning neighborhood in Philly that is still rife with crack dealers and registered sex offenders -- but if mostly refers to Katz's management philosophy. Katz's franchise was brand new to the LRFL in 2008, and his record reflects his identity as a green fantasy owner. While starting off on the good foot with a great team name, Katz soon drew some harsh criticism due to his performance at the Hartman compound during the 2008 draft. For those not in attendance, here was the standard Katz pick timeline:
0:00: Katz's turn to pick comes up -- Katz too busy reading Gawker to notice.
0:30: After thirty seconds, Katz clicks on the draft wesbite: "Oh, my pick!"
0:31-1:45: Katz alternately stares blankly at his many fantasy websites and glances puppy-eyed at Jake Matlin for assistance.
1:45-2:00: Other GMs begin to irrately ask Katz to make his pick.
2:00-3:30: More blank staring.
3:30: "Dante Stallworth!!!"
The draft "strategy" led to a particularly weak roster, including an end-of-season receiving corps that consisted of Chad Ochocino, Lee Evans, Derrick Mason, Amani Toomer, and Matt Jones. It was actually worse than that before Katz flabbergastingly traded Phillip Rivers straight up to Ludicrous Speed for Jones mid-season. Said Katz of the trade, "any time you can make a deal for a perpetually disappointing white wide-receiver with a coke problem on a run-first offense you have to do it." The trade sparked the ire of other owners/GMs, who were already questioning their decision to vote Katz in to the league. There was off-season talk that Katz had made the least contribution to the league last year and was going to be on a short leash come 2009. Writing off-season emails in Hebrew did not help his cause.
Well it's now time for the 2009 draft. Katz has a new headquarters for the Douche Chills and, more importantly, he has decided inexpicably to travel to Israel and will not be in attendance for the draft. The consensus is that this will actually help his team out since consultant Jake Matlin will have to man the head of the table in the Douche Chills' war room. Matlin, however, will have his work cut out for him. Against the great weight of advice and available analysis, Katz chose to sacrifice his team's first round pick for the rights to Reggie Bush. Bush, of course, has never put up impressive numbers and would likely have been available in the 5th or 6th round of the draft. The Douche Chills will be forced to rely on an aging Clinton Portis and a young Matt Ryan, who carries the significant risk of regressing in his sophomore campaign. On top of the roster concerns, Katz has managed to find himself in raging rivalries with two other owners, Boats owner "Hong Kong Drago" Schmidt and El Che owner Eriq Keentsull. Several other owners feel that Katz's sensitivity could become a big problem during the course of the season. Already having been accused of having beady eyes, receding hair, a euro-trash faux hawk and of generally resembling an aging Jimmy Neutron, the insults will only continue to fly faster and more furiously as the weeks pass. Katz has informed us that he is plotting his revenge, but as it was off-the-record and deep background, we can't comment any further. Katz must put vengeance out of his mind for the time being and focus on building a strong roster and becoming competitive in the Faith + 1 Division. Bush can be good, but once it starts to stink it can ruin everything.
Biggest Plus Factors: Matt Ryan for a 15th rounder; Jake Matlin running draft room; plot in community garden.
Biggest Minus Factors: Reggie Bush for a 1st rounder; the newspaper industry; Dov as real estate agent; getting stood up for neighborhood watch shifts.
Suggested Team Names: Katz Out of the Bag; Aveinu Malkatznu; You Got Katzed; We've Got Bush
Prediction: Katz's squad finishes 4-9 as Jake can't work too much magic into the roster and the Katz fantasy curse spreads to football.
Brett Baker's Pill Extravaganza Bonanza (formerly Handjobs Are the Antithesis of What I Stand For)
Owner/GM: Jeremy Gilman (not Gittleman)
Last Season: 3-10, lost the Toilet Bowl
Keepers: Maurice Jones Drew (1), Antonio Gates (7), LenDale White (9)
Matlin: so you are going to walk in with a stew pot telling everyone its bullion and asking about why janet cried? it is can't miss
The above exchange could refer to Katz's new digs -- a burgeoning neighborhood in Philly that is still rife with crack dealers and registered sex offenders -- but if mostly refers to Katz's management philosophy. Katz's franchise was brand new to the LRFL in 2008, and his record reflects his identity as a green fantasy owner. While starting off on the good foot with a great team name, Katz soon drew some harsh criticism due to his performance at the Hartman compound during the 2008 draft. For those not in attendance, here was the standard Katz pick timeline:
0:00: Katz's turn to pick comes up -- Katz too busy reading Gawker to notice.
0:30: After thirty seconds, Katz clicks on the draft wesbite: "Oh, my pick!"
0:31-1:45: Katz alternately stares blankly at his many fantasy websites and glances puppy-eyed at Jake Matlin for assistance.
1:45-2:00: Other GMs begin to irrately ask Katz to make his pick.
2:00-3:30: More blank staring.
3:30: "Dante Stallworth!!!"
The draft "strategy" led to a particularly weak roster, including an end-of-season receiving corps that consisted of Chad Ochocino, Lee Evans, Derrick Mason, Amani Toomer, and Matt Jones. It was actually worse than that before Katz flabbergastingly traded Phillip Rivers straight up to Ludicrous Speed for Jones mid-season. Said Katz of the trade, "any time you can make a deal for a perpetually disappointing white wide-receiver with a coke problem on a run-first offense you have to do it." The trade sparked the ire of other owners/GMs, who were already questioning their decision to vote Katz in to the league. There was off-season talk that Katz had made the least contribution to the league last year and was going to be on a short leash come 2009. Writing off-season emails in Hebrew did not help his cause.
Well it's now time for the 2009 draft. Katz has a new headquarters for the Douche Chills and, more importantly, he has decided inexpicably to travel to Israel and will not be in attendance for the draft. The consensus is that this will actually help his team out since consultant Jake Matlin will have to man the head of the table in the Douche Chills' war room. Matlin, however, will have his work cut out for him. Against the great weight of advice and available analysis, Katz chose to sacrifice his team's first round pick for the rights to Reggie Bush. Bush, of course, has never put up impressive numbers and would likely have been available in the 5th or 6th round of the draft. The Douche Chills will be forced to rely on an aging Clinton Portis and a young Matt Ryan, who carries the significant risk of regressing in his sophomore campaign. On top of the roster concerns, Katz has managed to find himself in raging rivalries with two other owners, Boats owner "Hong Kong Drago" Schmidt and El Che owner Eriq Keentsull. Several other owners feel that Katz's sensitivity could become a big problem during the course of the season. Already having been accused of having beady eyes, receding hair, a euro-trash faux hawk and of generally resembling an aging Jimmy Neutron, the insults will only continue to fly faster and more furiously as the weeks pass. Katz has informed us that he is plotting his revenge, but as it was off-the-record and deep background, we can't comment any further. Katz must put vengeance out of his mind for the time being and focus on building a strong roster and becoming competitive in the Faith + 1 Division. Bush can be good, but once it starts to stink it can ruin everything.
Biggest Plus Factors: Matt Ryan for a 15th rounder; Jake Matlin running draft room; plot in community garden.
Biggest Minus Factors: Reggie Bush for a 1st rounder; the newspaper industry; Dov as real estate agent; getting stood up for neighborhood watch shifts.
Suggested Team Names: Katz Out of the Bag; Aveinu Malkatznu; You Got Katzed; We've Got Bush
Prediction: Katz's squad finishes 4-9 as Jake can't work too much magic into the roster and the Katz fantasy curse spreads to football.
Brett Baker's Pill Extravaganza Bonanza (formerly Handjobs Are the Antithesis of What I Stand For)
Owner/GM: Jeremy Gilman (not Gittleman)
Last Season: 3-10, lost the Toilet Bowl
Keepers: Maurice Jones Drew (1), Antonio Gates (7), LenDale White (9)
Matlin: so you are going to walk in with a stew pot telling everyone its bullion and asking about why janet cried? it is can't miss
Gittles: whats your last name? Greenstein? Greenstein Bullion! nope, next
Bigtime: Chicken bullion?
Matlin: what about something like Sarah Silvermine
Bigtime: bullion cube? Rachel Goldensilver
Gittles: yikes, thats one too many for me
Matlin: Sister Goldenhair
Bigtime: Rebecca Nopubes
Matlin: HA
Gittles: thats a good one
Much like Rebecca Nopubes, Gilman's squad will go into the 2009 season with one of the greatest fantasy names of all time: Brett Baker's Pill Extravaganza Bonanza. It's about time Gilman got a good name after the 2008 debacle of "Handjobs Are the Antithesis of What I Stand For" (other owners are still trying to figure out what that team name meant). Of course, Gilman receives no credit for the new name. It was the rest of the league that voted for the change after the Handjobs lost the 2008 Toilet Bowl. Though not as bad as the FFHBs, Gilman's 2008 season was about as horrific as it gets. In fact, Gilman's squad actually lost to the FFHBs, which has pretty much become the proverbial scarlet letter among league owners. Of course, it was no suprise that the Handjobs had such a bad year -- as most will remember, Gilman lost the team's 2008 first round pick by failing to pay his league dues on time. Any owner/GM in this league would have a tough time coming back from that and by season's end, the Handjobs roster included guys like Hank Baskett, Joey Galloway, Alex Smith (TE), and Bobby Wade. As a result, Gilman was left with few keeper options heading into this year. Maurice Jones Drew was a must (though we have injury concerns), and Antonio Gates for a 7th rounder is arguably a good value, but LenDale White should not be kept under any circumstances even if he is rumored to be twenty pounds lighter. Gilman would have been better off only keeping the former two and trying to build his team through the draft.
It is, accordingly, somewhat surprising that Gilman is already touting himself as the LRFL's most improved manager. Bobby Frederickson was particularly irate about Gilman's prognostications, arguing that all he would have to do to be considered the most-improved manager is to win three games and have an average weekly score of more than 75 points. Gilman should also keep in mind that being a good manager is more about wins, losses, and points; it's also about one's contribution to the league. It takes more than two emails on the LRFL listserve per season and getting roaring drunk at the AAB to be a quality participant. For example, couldn't a drunken Gilman have at least kicked Hong Kong Drago in the balls at the 2008 AAB? That's the kind of fire the league needs and, reportedly, the Commish is thinking of bringing up Gilman's franchise for expulsion at season's end unless he submits three video recordings of him kicking Drago in the balls to the LRFL offices during the course of the season. Fortunately, the league website now has streaming video capabilities so everyone will be able to enjoy. Our advice, do it from behind. Drago surely developed some sort of ball-protection technique while training with his sensei's sensei's sensei in Japan. Wax on, wax off.
Bigget Plus Factors: Has all draft picks this year; LenDale White 20 pounds lighter.
Biggest Minus Factors: Taint of toilet bowl loss still palpable; email frequency (or lack thereof); rumor that LenDale White has tapeworms.
Suggested Team Names (if Gilman had option): The Invisible Men; Vagina Sand
Prediction: 3-10; Gilman loses interest in the league half-way through the season and starts players on their bye weeks.
Jesus and Pals Division
Danger Monkey
Owner/GM: Sethadiah Pruss
Last Season: 10-3 (Division Champ); lost to Lunch Money in championship
Keepers: Calvin Johnson (5), Matt Forte (7), Aaron Rodgers (14)
Bigtime: i didnt even notice that -- i was more concerned with why he used that version of the pig emoticon
Much like Rebecca Nopubes, Gilman's squad will go into the 2009 season with one of the greatest fantasy names of all time: Brett Baker's Pill Extravaganza Bonanza. It's about time Gilman got a good name after the 2008 debacle of "Handjobs Are the Antithesis of What I Stand For" (other owners are still trying to figure out what that team name meant). Of course, Gilman receives no credit for the new name. It was the rest of the league that voted for the change after the Handjobs lost the 2008 Toilet Bowl. Though not as bad as the FFHBs, Gilman's 2008 season was about as horrific as it gets. In fact, Gilman's squad actually lost to the FFHBs, which has pretty much become the proverbial scarlet letter among league owners. Of course, it was no suprise that the Handjobs had such a bad year -- as most will remember, Gilman lost the team's 2008 first round pick by failing to pay his league dues on time. Any owner/GM in this league would have a tough time coming back from that and by season's end, the Handjobs roster included guys like Hank Baskett, Joey Galloway, Alex Smith (TE), and Bobby Wade. As a result, Gilman was left with few keeper options heading into this year. Maurice Jones Drew was a must (though we have injury concerns), and Antonio Gates for a 7th rounder is arguably a good value, but LenDale White should not be kept under any circumstances even if he is rumored to be twenty pounds lighter. Gilman would have been better off only keeping the former two and trying to build his team through the draft.
It is, accordingly, somewhat surprising that Gilman is already touting himself as the LRFL's most improved manager. Bobby Frederickson was particularly irate about Gilman's prognostications, arguing that all he would have to do to be considered the most-improved manager is to win three games and have an average weekly score of more than 75 points. Gilman should also keep in mind that being a good manager is more about wins, losses, and points; it's also about one's contribution to the league. It takes more than two emails on the LRFL listserve per season and getting roaring drunk at the AAB to be a quality participant. For example, couldn't a drunken Gilman have at least kicked Hong Kong Drago in the balls at the 2008 AAB? That's the kind of fire the league needs and, reportedly, the Commish is thinking of bringing up Gilman's franchise for expulsion at season's end unless he submits three video recordings of him kicking Drago in the balls to the LRFL offices during the course of the season. Fortunately, the league website now has streaming video capabilities so everyone will be able to enjoy. Our advice, do it from behind. Drago surely developed some sort of ball-protection technique while training with his sensei's sensei's sensei in Japan. Wax on, wax off.
Bigget Plus Factors: Has all draft picks this year; LenDale White 20 pounds lighter.
Biggest Minus Factors: Taint of toilet bowl loss still palpable; email frequency (or lack thereof); rumor that LenDale White has tapeworms.
Suggested Team Names (if Gilman had option): The Invisible Men; Vagina Sand
Prediction: 3-10; Gilman loses interest in the league half-way through the season and starts players on their bye weeks.
Jesus and Pals Division
Danger Monkey
Owner/GM: Sethadiah Pruss
Last Season: 10-3 (Division Champ); lost to Lunch Money in championship
Keepers: Calvin Johnson (5), Matt Forte (7), Aaron Rodgers (14)
Bigtime: i didnt even notice that -- i was more concerned with why he used that version of the pig emoticon
Gittles: yeah, good call, the other one is just sitting in the barn waiting to be used
Bigtime: exactly. why go with a sirloin when you have prime dry-aged ribeye sitting right there?
Danger Monkey's roster at the end of the 2008 season read like the starting lineup of the Pro Bowl: Matt Forte, Brandon Jacobs, Steven Jackson, Calvin Johnson, Wes Welker, Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez, Jason Witten, and Aaron Rodgers. Picking keepers for Pruss was like shooting fish in a barrel (town's the fish, people the barrel), but the media has questioned Pruss's decision to keep Aaron Rodgers as opposed to Steven Jackson, who would have cost a first rounder, or Roddy White or Tony Gonzalez, who would have each cost a sixth rounder. Rodgers is surely a great value at the cost of a 14th round pick, but many question whether he should be rated so high entering the season. Even if Rodgers costs little, we wonder whether it makes sense to give up the rights to known commodities in Jackson, White, Witten, and Gonzalez. Decisions like this aren't new to Danger Monkey, however. Pruss tends to be one of those GMs that constantly out-thinks himself, always tinkering with an already solid roster. Though it worked out in 2008 for the most part, that kind of over-analysis usually results in some very poor trade decisions from Pruss. When you add the distraction of his new child--which he disconcertingly refers to as "my man"--and his never-ending quest to strike the right facial pose in pictures with said baby, it is not entirely out of the question that Pruss could end up making some really bad decisions for Danger Monkey. We haven't even gotten to Pruss's 80 hour-a-week job as a blogger for thesejeansaresweet.com.
Fortunately for Pruss, Danger Monkey heads into the draft with a fool-proof starting duo of Johnson and Forte, both top-20 picks. Both players played significant roles in nabbing a division championship for Danger Monkey and both must live up to their 2009 hype for Pruss to repeat a deep playoff run. With Pruss having draft picks in the first four rounds, he should be able to add another solid running back and assemble an all-together frightening receiver group. As such, it's no surprise that Danger Monkey will be the early-season favorite in the Jesus and Pals Division. Pruss's nagging problem, as always, will be the direct phone line he keeps with Hong Kong Drago Schmidt. The phone line has led to countless horrible trades in previous seasons, and Pruss will be desparate for another human voice since his son cannot yet speak and his wife is involved in a torrid WordTwist affair with other league owners. Danger Monkey faces further problems as a result of its leaders's poor judgment. This offseason, Pruss has been openly and confusingly referring to his franchise as "America's team," both irking and drawing puzzled stares from other owners. Also angering fellow owners is Pruss's habit of soliciting roster and draft advice and then failing to return the same when asked. Surely all this is doing is painting a giant target on the back of Pruss's heather-gray cashmere cardigan. If Pruss can get out of his own way, Danger Monkey might have a chance--but that's a big if.
Bigget Plus Factors: Enters draft loaded with players and picks; recently retained private denim tailor to ensure Ades can't copy jeans; bocce skills.
Biggest Minus Factors: Poor trade judgment; still doesn't realize that Notre Dame isn't part of a division one conference.
Suggested Team Names: Blue Steel; The Manwhores; Baby Bjorn Ballers; My Men
Prediction: Danger Monkey goes 9-4 in the regular season, failing to repeat their 5-1 inter-division record from a year ago, and wins the division tie-breaker on overall points.
ΔΣ (Dark Side)
Owner/GM: Jonathan "Jonny HIV" Ades
Last Season: 7-6 (wildcard), lost in first round of playoffs to Lunch Money
Keepers: Randy Moss (2); Ryan Grant (3); Gregg Jennings (6)
Bigtime: so you know they give you a choice of ketchup or catsup at Hellburger? the catsup just looks so good in the bottle. it looks kind of thick and all crimson colored...like someone really cared for it. so i wanted some on my tater puffs and i took off the cap
Gittles: and poof?
Bigtime: i figured it would pour just like ketcup, its bastardized cousin...but it came rushing out. half the bottle all over my plate
Matlin: ha
Bigtime: it was embrassing
Matlin: was it watery?
Bigtime: a little bit and as it turned out I didnt even like it
Matlin: did you shake it
Bigtime: i tapped - like Heinz 57
Matlin: did it ruin any of the taters?
Gittles: they were in a boat. it was a miracle
Gittles: they were in a boat. it was a miracle
Matlin: very lucky
Bigtime: yeah. so i swept some of the catsup away with my knife and covered it with the tomato so the guy cleaning up didnt notice
Matlin: were you afraid of hurting feelings?
Bigtime: no i thought they might kick me out if they saw me wasting catsup
Ades's 2008 season can only be described with one word: luck. Like Hartman and his catsup dilemna, the rest of the league is still trying to figure out how the Ades-led Dark Side fell ass-backwards into the playoffs last year. A thorough examination of the team's 2008 schedule reveals that Ades was able to string together several wins against division rivals late in the season and got the rest of the way with some help from the scheduling gods. Dark Side's only three non-division wins came in games against the FFHBs, the Douche Chills, and an overrated El Che--pretty much the frosting on a crap-flavored birthday cake. It was no suprise when Ades's squad was anihilated by Lunch Money in the first round of the playoffs. Since the loss, it has not been an easy offseason for owner/GM Jon Ades, who has had to overcome quite a bit in the months leading up to the LRFL draft. First, the Dark Side's Baltimore-based headquarters were ransacked by several groups of roving gangmembers who have taken to the city streets in order to deliver beatdowns to local residents. Second, a red tide in Baltimore harbor caused several thousand fish to die, making the city smell worse than usual. Ades had trouble convincing free agents to visit his facilities and player morale appears to be low. Third, and finally, Ades came in last place in the annual LRFL GM spelling bee. "It was tough going out in the first round," said Ades, "t-u-p-h tough."
The Dark Side go into the 2009 season with a return to the playoffs on their collective mind. Already, Ades has faced some criticism over his managerial skills and his keeper selections. Only Gregg Jennings for a third rounder appears to provide major value and it is questionable whether Ryan Grant would even have gone by the end of the 3rd round (he certainly wouldn't have gone any earlier). Ades will need to be at the top of his game come draft time and hope that his GM-skills match his proficiency with a crab mallet. Speaking of which, rumor has it that, in typical Jerry Jones-fashion, Ades has taken to walking around with a diamond-encrusted crab mallet in a holster around his waist. Will such showy tactics work to intimidate fellow owners, or will they simply draw distraction to an already troubled team? A better question: where can you get an egg sandwich in Baltimore without having to take a ten-minute drive in a car? No seriously, Randy Moss wants to know. If Ades can't keep him happy, it's going to be a long season.
Biggest Plus Factors: Solid receivers; Ray Lewis fathead finally delivered by UPS; BMW can parallel park itself.
Biggest Minus Factors: Baltimore-based headquarters; scientists predict global warming will cause ocean to run out of shrimp by 2017.
Suggested Team Names: Columbia Plaza A Building Allstars; The Shrimp Shack Shooters; Argyle Suprise
Prediction: Ades's franchise returns to familiar form and goes 6-7.
Pontoon Boats
Owner/GM: Evan "Hong Kong Drago" Schmidt
Last Season: 5-8, beat Handjobs in second round of Toilet Bowl playoffs
Keepers: Frank Gore (1); Terrell Owens (2); Marques Colston (3)
Matlin: i forgot to tell you about a great conversation drago and i had. it was just about how fondly we remembered the first Ninja turtle moviehe loved casey jones, but he didn't think april was hot and i strongly disagreed
Ades's 2008 season can only be described with one word: luck. Like Hartman and his catsup dilemna, the rest of the league is still trying to figure out how the Ades-led Dark Side fell ass-backwards into the playoffs last year. A thorough examination of the team's 2008 schedule reveals that Ades was able to string together several wins against division rivals late in the season and got the rest of the way with some help from the scheduling gods. Dark Side's only three non-division wins came in games against the FFHBs, the Douche Chills, and an overrated El Che--pretty much the frosting on a crap-flavored birthday cake. It was no suprise when Ades's squad was anihilated by Lunch Money in the first round of the playoffs. Since the loss, it has not been an easy offseason for owner/GM Jon Ades, who has had to overcome quite a bit in the months leading up to the LRFL draft. First, the Dark Side's Baltimore-based headquarters were ransacked by several groups of roving gangmembers who have taken to the city streets in order to deliver beatdowns to local residents. Second, a red tide in Baltimore harbor caused several thousand fish to die, making the city smell worse than usual. Ades had trouble convincing free agents to visit his facilities and player morale appears to be low. Third, and finally, Ades came in last place in the annual LRFL GM spelling bee. "It was tough going out in the first round," said Ades, "t-u-p-h tough."
The Dark Side go into the 2009 season with a return to the playoffs on their collective mind. Already, Ades has faced some criticism over his managerial skills and his keeper selections. Only Gregg Jennings for a third rounder appears to provide major value and it is questionable whether Ryan Grant would even have gone by the end of the 3rd round (he certainly wouldn't have gone any earlier). Ades will need to be at the top of his game come draft time and hope that his GM-skills match his proficiency with a crab mallet. Speaking of which, rumor has it that, in typical Jerry Jones-fashion, Ades has taken to walking around with a diamond-encrusted crab mallet in a holster around his waist. Will such showy tactics work to intimidate fellow owners, or will they simply draw distraction to an already troubled team? A better question: where can you get an egg sandwich in Baltimore without having to take a ten-minute drive in a car? No seriously, Randy Moss wants to know. If Ades can't keep him happy, it's going to be a long season.
Biggest Plus Factors: Solid receivers; Ray Lewis fathead finally delivered by UPS; BMW can parallel park itself.
Biggest Minus Factors: Baltimore-based headquarters; scientists predict global warming will cause ocean to run out of shrimp by 2017.
Suggested Team Names: Columbia Plaza A Building Allstars; The Shrimp Shack Shooters; Argyle Suprise
Prediction: Ades's franchise returns to familiar form and goes 6-7.
Pontoon Boats
Owner/GM: Evan "Hong Kong Drago" Schmidt
Last Season: 5-8, beat Handjobs in second round of Toilet Bowl playoffs
Keepers: Frank Gore (1); Terrell Owens (2); Marques Colston (3)
Matlin: i forgot to tell you about a great conversation drago and i had. it was just about how fondly we remembered the first Ninja turtle moviehe loved casey jones, but he didn't think april was hot and i strongly disagreed
Bigtime: she was not hot in that movie. They blew that part of it. pretzel goes to drago.
Matlin: he thought april in the sequel: revenge of the ooze was better
Matlin: he thought april in the sequel: revenge of the ooze was better
Bigtime: i dont remember them well enough to compare
Matlin: he also liked the ninja delivery boy
Evan Schmidt ladies and gentlemen!!! Exchanges like this exemplify the Pontoon Boats wacky and distracting offseason, which is just as well as Hong Kong Drago would as soon forget the 2008 LRFL season ever occurred. The Boats finished with a 1-5 inter-division record, including two notable losses to division whipping-boy Ludicrous Speed by a combined 7.25 points. The Boats' front office moves were just as terrible as the team's actual performance. 2008 was no different from earlier seasons in which Drago established himself as the most easily-duped GM of the league, often receiving the short end of the stick on largely unbalanced trades. As Commissioner Matlin rightly has pointed out, "Drago is the Al Davis of the LRFL." Towards the end of the season, Drago sent Kevin Smith and Steve Smith (two guys with great keeper upside) to Lunch Money for Tony Romo, Vincent Jackson, and Chester Taylor. It goes without saying that Drago's "blockbuster" did nothing to save his season. We actually wish the trading was the worst offense Drago committed on the league in 2008, but as most know, his waiver-wire moves alone were grounds for possible expulsion. On September 10, 2008, known hereafter as D-Bag Day, Drago picked-up and dropped 17 different players from the waiver wire. This, of course, culminated in a new rule for the 2009 season requiring franchises to pay a 50 cent tax for each player claimed off of waivers. According to NASA scientists, had the rule applied retroactively, the Boats would currently owe the league a sum roughly the size of the GDP of Uruguay.
The tax will surely make Drago's team-building efforts more difficult as he won't be able to replace his entire draft-day roster by mid-season (as he has done in past years) without incurring serious financial woes. Despite the warning signs, Drago hasn't gotten off to a good start with his managerial strategy. To begin with, his keeper choices are more than suspect. While we won't quibble with Frank Gore and Marques Colston, Terrell Owners and his bum toe no longer warrant a second round draft pick and the Boats won't have an actual draft pick until round four. When you add in the fact that the Boats' seventh round draft pick belongs to El Che, it would appear that Hong Kong Drago will have a difficult time building a solid squad through the draft. Drago would have been better off keeping Vincent Jackson, who would have provided much better value at the cost of only a ninth round pick. Even withou thte roster issues, the Boats' 2009 season seems to be an uphill battle. Drago has already disgraced himself this offseason on the league email listserve more than Michigan has disgraced itself during the Rich Rodriguez era. There is also a rumor that only suckling pig (Drago's kryptonite) will be served at this year's AAB and, moreover, that there will be a denim-jacket free dress code. On top of all that, one owner has pointed out that Drago will surely face some distractions while he is prepping himself to audition for the Billy Zabka role in the off-broadway production of the new Karate Kid musical (Andrew Lloyd Webber is doing the score). All of this points to another miserable season for the Boats, which, in turn, points to another wonderful season for the rest of the league. Domo arigato Mr. Drago-boto.
Biggest Plus Factors: Blood pressure down; waiver tax will prevent Drago from incurring negative fantasy karma; celebrity jean blogger Sethadiah Pruss claims to be a new Drago fan.
Biggest Minus Factors: Lack of draft picks; glut of Terrell Owens; bad fantasy karma leftover from making Kintzel promise he wouldn't trade Hartman his seventh round draft pick.
Suggested Team Names: Suckling (War) Pigs; Drago's Denim Dungeon; My Girl Wants to Karate All the Time (only true Eddie Murphy fans will get this)
Prediction: 1-12, with lone win coming against the Commish in the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl
Hartman in Bird Form (formerly Ludicrous Speed)
Owner/GM: Mike "Mad Elf" Hartman
Last Season: 4-9, beat the Gs in the first round of the Toilet Bowl Playoffs
Keepers: LaDainian Tomlinson (1); Tom Brady (2); Michael Turner (3)
Bigtime: the worst is this steakhouse by me that just opened, Del Friscos. It has this huge like giant snifter full of jelly beans so you can take them on the way out
Matlin: gross
Evan Schmidt ladies and gentlemen!!! Exchanges like this exemplify the Pontoon Boats wacky and distracting offseason, which is just as well as Hong Kong Drago would as soon forget the 2008 LRFL season ever occurred. The Boats finished with a 1-5 inter-division record, including two notable losses to division whipping-boy Ludicrous Speed by a combined 7.25 points. The Boats' front office moves were just as terrible as the team's actual performance. 2008 was no different from earlier seasons in which Drago established himself as the most easily-duped GM of the league, often receiving the short end of the stick on largely unbalanced trades. As Commissioner Matlin rightly has pointed out, "Drago is the Al Davis of the LRFL." Towards the end of the season, Drago sent Kevin Smith and Steve Smith (two guys with great keeper upside) to Lunch Money for Tony Romo, Vincent Jackson, and Chester Taylor. It goes without saying that Drago's "blockbuster" did nothing to save his season. We actually wish the trading was the worst offense Drago committed on the league in 2008, but as most know, his waiver-wire moves alone were grounds for possible expulsion. On September 10, 2008, known hereafter as D-Bag Day, Drago picked-up and dropped 17 different players from the waiver wire. This, of course, culminated in a new rule for the 2009 season requiring franchises to pay a 50 cent tax for each player claimed off of waivers. According to NASA scientists, had the rule applied retroactively, the Boats would currently owe the league a sum roughly the size of the GDP of Uruguay.
The tax will surely make Drago's team-building efforts more difficult as he won't be able to replace his entire draft-day roster by mid-season (as he has done in past years) without incurring serious financial woes. Despite the warning signs, Drago hasn't gotten off to a good start with his managerial strategy. To begin with, his keeper choices are more than suspect. While we won't quibble with Frank Gore and Marques Colston, Terrell Owners and his bum toe no longer warrant a second round draft pick and the Boats won't have an actual draft pick until round four. When you add in the fact that the Boats' seventh round draft pick belongs to El Che, it would appear that Hong Kong Drago will have a difficult time building a solid squad through the draft. Drago would have been better off keeping Vincent Jackson, who would have provided much better value at the cost of only a ninth round pick. Even withou thte roster issues, the Boats' 2009 season seems to be an uphill battle. Drago has already disgraced himself this offseason on the league email listserve more than Michigan has disgraced itself during the Rich Rodriguez era. There is also a rumor that only suckling pig (Drago's kryptonite) will be served at this year's AAB and, moreover, that there will be a denim-jacket free dress code. On top of all that, one owner has pointed out that Drago will surely face some distractions while he is prepping himself to audition for the Billy Zabka role in the off-broadway production of the new Karate Kid musical (Andrew Lloyd Webber is doing the score). All of this points to another miserable season for the Boats, which, in turn, points to another wonderful season for the rest of the league. Domo arigato Mr. Drago-boto.
Biggest Plus Factors: Blood pressure down; waiver tax will prevent Drago from incurring negative fantasy karma; celebrity jean blogger Sethadiah Pruss claims to be a new Drago fan.
Biggest Minus Factors: Lack of draft picks; glut of Terrell Owens; bad fantasy karma leftover from making Kintzel promise he wouldn't trade Hartman his seventh round draft pick.
Suggested Team Names: Suckling (War) Pigs; Drago's Denim Dungeon; My Girl Wants to Karate All the Time (only true Eddie Murphy fans will get this)
Prediction: 1-12, with lone win coming against the Commish in the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl
Hartman in Bird Form (formerly Ludicrous Speed)
Owner/GM: Mike "Mad Elf" Hartman
Last Season: 4-9, beat the Gs in the first round of the Toilet Bowl Playoffs
Keepers: LaDainian Tomlinson (1); Tom Brady (2); Michael Turner (3)
Bigtime: the worst is this steakhouse by me that just opened, Del Friscos. It has this huge like giant snifter full of jelly beans so you can take them on the way out
Matlin: gross
Bigtime: the thing is - everyone reaches in with their hands
Matlin: right
Bigtime: there is a scoop but no one uses it. we were standing there waiting for our table
Matlin: you need to have them individually wrapped
Matlin: you need to have them individually wrapped
Bigtime: we saw 10 different people just shove their hands in there. sometimes they went for seconds right after they shoved their fat sticky fingers in their mouths
Matlin: that is how people get herpes
Herpes. That one word pretty much sums up the 2008 season for Mike Hartman's Philadelphia-based franchise. It was a sad early-September Sunday at the LRFL headquarters in New Haven, CT, when Hartman and Commissioner Matlin watched (one with horror and one with mild glee) as Bernard Pollard destroyed Tom Brady's knee, effectively throwing Ludicrous Speed's season to the wolves. Despite being one of the pre-season favorites, Ludicrous Speed could never come back from the loss of its mighty super-model banging signal caller and started the season off 2-7. By that point, Hartman could see the writing on the wall and began to position his team for a run in 2009, trading away Philip Rivers and Kurt Warner for 7th round draft picks. Unfortunately, Hartman was reportedly so distraught at his team's performance that he semi-abandoned his duties with the league press office, deeply concerning most owners and elating Hong Kong Drago, who was spared the diminutive writer's nasty barbs over the second half of the regular season. Though Speed escaped a deep run in the Toilet Bowl playoffs, Hartman's torment over his team's performance resulted in a summer full of heavy drinking and a lack of pants-wearing. "I've only seen him like this once," said the Commish. "It was the 2002 Kappa Sigma basement Tecmo Super Bowl and after he lost, the only sound we heard coming from his room was the sound of the smack cooking."
In the weeks leading up to the season, Hartman has supposedly cleaned up his act. He's got a new team name (Hartman in Bird Form) and a new pair of japan pants, and he appears ready to go. HIBF will enter the draft with three top twenty players already on the depth chart in Tomlinson, Turner, and Brady, and while Hartman wont pick before the 4th round, he is sitting pretty with three seventh round picks and should be able to put together a solid starting lineup. Hartman's squad also only lost two games last year to non-playoff teams, so it's not as if the team was truly the bottom-feeder that its record suggets. Still, Hartman's achilles heel has always been his inability to secure a winning group of wide receivers. With his first three picks used on a quarterback and running backs, Hartman won't be able to add a pass-catcher until the 4th round at the earliest--not a good sign in a draft where top wide receivers are few in number. If Hartman can deftly execute his draft strategy, however, this could be a team to reckon with. If not, Hartman has already volunteered to man the grill at the AAB and to take up the Rockband lead vocal duties. Either way, everyone's a winner, especially if japan pants are involved.
Biggest Plus Factors: QB-friendly scoring system; 15 pretzels for $5 at Philadelphia Pretzel Factory; controls the press.
Biggest Minus Factors: Injury bug; Lack of wide receivers in draft; roller coaster rides requiring you to be "this tall".
Prediction: 9-4 (it's good to control the media), take the division on overall points in a minor upset.
That's it folks. If you aren't excited for the start of the season than either you don't have a pulse or you need some of Brett Baker's pill bonanza extravaganza. See you at the 2009 draft!!!
In the weeks leading up to the season, Hartman has supposedly cleaned up his act. He's got a new team name (Hartman in Bird Form) and a new pair of japan pants, and he appears ready to go. HIBF will enter the draft with three top twenty players already on the depth chart in Tomlinson, Turner, and Brady, and while Hartman wont pick before the 4th round, he is sitting pretty with three seventh round picks and should be able to put together a solid starting lineup. Hartman's squad also only lost two games last year to non-playoff teams, so it's not as if the team was truly the bottom-feeder that its record suggets. Still, Hartman's achilles heel has always been his inability to secure a winning group of wide receivers. With his first three picks used on a quarterback and running backs, Hartman won't be able to add a pass-catcher until the 4th round at the earliest--not a good sign in a draft where top wide receivers are few in number. If Hartman can deftly execute his draft strategy, however, this could be a team to reckon with. If not, Hartman has already volunteered to man the grill at the AAB and to take up the Rockband lead vocal duties. Either way, everyone's a winner, especially if japan pants are involved.
Biggest Plus Factors: QB-friendly scoring system; 15 pretzels for $5 at Philadelphia Pretzel Factory; controls the press.
Biggest Minus Factors: Injury bug; Lack of wide receivers in draft; roller coaster rides requiring you to be "this tall".
Prediction: 9-4 (it's good to control the media), take the division on overall points in a minor upset.
That's it folks. If you aren't excited for the start of the season than either you don't have a pulse or you need some of Brett Baker's pill bonanza extravaganza. See you at the 2009 draft!!!
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