This year, there have been a lot of developments extrinsic to the LRFL, including the rise in popularity of Gmail and GChat which have spawned some of the greatest ideas known to man. In that vein, each franchise will be introduced by a quote taken from a real-life offseason GChat session involving some of the more notable franchise owners in the league (aka not Gilman). Without further ado:
Chili Con Carnival Division
Hollywood Hogwash (formerly The Nearly-Extinct Large-Headed Ginger Kids)
Owner/GM: Nathan "the Commish" Matlin
Last Season: 10-3 (Division Champ); lost in second round of playoffs to Lunch Money.
Keepers: Larry Fitzgerald (4), Peyton Manning (5). Chris Johnson (7)
Matlin: you already have a backpack full of stale pretzels anway
Bigtime: next time you are in philly we are going to Reading Terminal and you are going to pay for me to fill a wagon-fullim just going to ask for a bucket of melted butter and brush it on myself
Matlin: i will wait till the wagon is full and then tip it over - boom. butter everywhere
Matlin: i will wait till the wagon is full and then tip it over - boom. butter everywhere
Bigtime: If you think im above eating pretzels and butter off the street, you are sorely mistaken.
To the Commish, a franchise owner who has been accused by certain other owners (Jon Ades) of some shady business and of not being above stooping to gain competitive advantages (see the 17-man roster he emerged with after last years's draft). In 2008, the Ginger Kids, beginning as the aptly-named Pubes on Soap, had quite a season. Nate Matlin--owner, general manager, and lead daywalker of the Kids--shocked everyone by displaying some real savvy in the draft. In seasons past, he was content to take bong hits and head to the local Kinko's where he executed his draft "strategy" to less-than-stellar results. Last year, however, Matlin drafted a strong combination of wily veterans (Larry Fitzgerald, Peyton Manning, Andre Johnson) and young talent (Chris Johnson, Desean Jackson) and the new approach was a great success early on. Of course, the bulbous-headed Commish could not maintain the momentum and started to panic, rightfully not trusting himself to have drafted a squad capable of winning the championship. He traded Andre Johnson and underperforming rookie Kevin Smith to El Che y los Guerrilleros for perrenial letdown Thomas Jones and Anthony Gonzalez. While Jones had a decent second half of the season, Anthony Gonzalez was released from the squad shortly after the trade and the Commish could never recoup the production of Andre Johnson. If only the trade was Matlin's biggest problem, he might have felt better about the 2008 campaign. As we all know, the Commish and his team again lost in the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl, the annual pissing contest between the respective franchises of Commissioner Matlin and Evan Schmidt where the loser's team is renamed by the winner. Thus, the Commish's team took on the moniker of the Nearly-Extinct Large-Headed Ginger Kids (credit goes to the genius intellect of Mike "Magic Elf" Hartman for dreaming that one up). Commissioner Matlin was disappointed: "Pubes on Soap...just rolls right off your tongue." Fortunately for Matlin, from dark shadows came a great light. The Kids were able to put the demoralizing loss aside and had a hell of a second half of the year, including a 5-game win streak to close out the regular season and ensure the division title. Being division champion was a huge coup for the Commish but, like so many teams before them, the Kids crashed and burned in the playoffs, putting up only 106.25 points against eventual champion Lunch Money. Matlin was left to go back to the drawing board.
Fans are curious to see if the Commish can wash off the stench of the playoff loss and regroup for the start of the 2009-2010 season. One can't help but think of the ghost of drafts past which has haunted Matlin for years. It brings to mind the 2006 Royal Football League draft, where a drunken enraged Matlin overturned his desk after an ill-fated Kevan Barlow pick in the 6th round. Matlin claims to have been spooked by a "sureptitious" Harms and A-Mart pop-in, but we all know that in reality, he crumbles under the pressures of draft day. Fortunately for the Commish, the newly minted Hollywood Hogwash (narrowly edging the Dreck Squad) heads into the 2009 draft with a formidable foundation. Larry Fitzgerald, surely a first-round talent, will only cost Hogwash a fourth round pick (much to the chagrin of Ades), and Peyton Manning for a fifth rounder and Chris Johnson for a seventh rounder have similar value. We wonder if Chris Johnson really has the talent to be a #1 running back with a svelt non-tequila drinking LenDale White behind his back, but with picks in rounds 1-3, Matlin should be able to set up a reliable group of backs and can play matchups. Yet, the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl looms like a dark cloud over Hogwash's season, much like the monstrous and heinous Lambda class loomed over GW's Kappa Sigma fraternity. Can he finally get one over on Drago this season? It remains to be seen.
Biggest Plus Factors: New foosball table; New Haven pizza; South African strippers; Lauren Tarantino
Biggest Minus Factors: Likelihood of unscrupulous panic trading; wife doesn't let him turn on the air conditioner; redheads to be extinct by 2012
Suggested Team Names: Air Conditioning (AC) United; The Tasty Beards; The 3-song Lunchtime Rockband Sets; Skittle Showers
Prediction: Hogwash finishes somewhere in the 9-4 range and grabs a wildcard.
Sweet Tangy Limes
Owner/GM: Eric "Rickles Gittles" Gittleman
Last Season: 9-4 (Wildcard); lost in second round of playoffs to Danger Monkey.
Keepers: Adrian Peterson (1), Steve Slaton (10), Kurt Warner (13)
Bigtime: "Enjoy it as a dessert beer, or tilt it back while sitting under a shady tree on a warm summer afternoon."
To the Commish, a franchise owner who has been accused by certain other owners (Jon Ades) of some shady business and of not being above stooping to gain competitive advantages (see the 17-man roster he emerged with after last years's draft). In 2008, the Ginger Kids, beginning as the aptly-named Pubes on Soap, had quite a season. Nate Matlin--owner, general manager, and lead daywalker of the Kids--shocked everyone by displaying some real savvy in the draft. In seasons past, he was content to take bong hits and head to the local Kinko's where he executed his draft "strategy" to less-than-stellar results. Last year, however, Matlin drafted a strong combination of wily veterans (Larry Fitzgerald, Peyton Manning, Andre Johnson) and young talent (Chris Johnson, Desean Jackson) and the new approach was a great success early on. Of course, the bulbous-headed Commish could not maintain the momentum and started to panic, rightfully not trusting himself to have drafted a squad capable of winning the championship. He traded Andre Johnson and underperforming rookie Kevin Smith to El Che y los Guerrilleros for perrenial letdown Thomas Jones and Anthony Gonzalez. While Jones had a decent second half of the season, Anthony Gonzalez was released from the squad shortly after the trade and the Commish could never recoup the production of Andre Johnson. If only the trade was Matlin's biggest problem, he might have felt better about the 2008 campaign. As we all know, the Commish and his team again lost in the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl, the annual pissing contest between the respective franchises of Commissioner Matlin and Evan Schmidt where the loser's team is renamed by the winner. Thus, the Commish's team took on the moniker of the Nearly-Extinct Large-Headed Ginger Kids (credit goes to the genius intellect of Mike "Magic Elf" Hartman for dreaming that one up). Commissioner Matlin was disappointed: "Pubes on Soap...just rolls right off your tongue." Fortunately for Matlin, from dark shadows came a great light. The Kids were able to put the demoralizing loss aside and had a hell of a second half of the year, including a 5-game win streak to close out the regular season and ensure the division title. Being division champion was a huge coup for the Commish but, like so many teams before them, the Kids crashed and burned in the playoffs, putting up only 106.25 points against eventual champion Lunch Money. Matlin was left to go back to the drawing board.
Fans are curious to see if the Commish can wash off the stench of the playoff loss and regroup for the start of the 2009-2010 season. One can't help but think of the ghost of drafts past which has haunted Matlin for years. It brings to mind the 2006 Royal Football League draft, where a drunken enraged Matlin overturned his desk after an ill-fated Kevan Barlow pick in the 6th round. Matlin claims to have been spooked by a "sureptitious" Harms and A-Mart pop-in, but we all know that in reality, he crumbles under the pressures of draft day. Fortunately for the Commish, the newly minted Hollywood Hogwash (narrowly edging the Dreck Squad) heads into the 2009 draft with a formidable foundation. Larry Fitzgerald, surely a first-round talent, will only cost Hogwash a fourth round pick (much to the chagrin of Ades), and Peyton Manning for a fifth rounder and Chris Johnson for a seventh rounder have similar value. We wonder if Chris Johnson really has the talent to be a #1 running back with a svelt non-tequila drinking LenDale White behind his back, but with picks in rounds 1-3, Matlin should be able to set up a reliable group of backs and can play matchups. Yet, the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl looms like a dark cloud over Hogwash's season, much like the monstrous and heinous Lambda class loomed over GW's Kappa Sigma fraternity. Can he finally get one over on Drago this season? It remains to be seen.
Biggest Plus Factors: New foosball table; New Haven pizza; South African strippers; Lauren Tarantino
Biggest Minus Factors: Likelihood of unscrupulous panic trading; wife doesn't let him turn on the air conditioner; redheads to be extinct by 2012
Suggested Team Names: Air Conditioning (AC) United; The Tasty Beards; The 3-song Lunchtime Rockband Sets; Skittle Showers
Prediction: Hogwash finishes somewhere in the 9-4 range and grabs a wildcard.
Sweet Tangy Limes
Owner/GM: Eric "Rickles Gittles" Gittleman
Last Season: 9-4 (Wildcard); lost in second round of playoffs to Danger Monkey.
Keepers: Adrian Peterson (1), Steve Slaton (10), Kurt Warner (13)
Bigtime: "Enjoy it as a dessert beer, or tilt it back while sitting under a shady tree on a warm summer afternoon."
Matlin: always makes my day easier
Bigtime: what could be better
Matlin: who cares what it tastes like, that description is awesome
Bigtime: definitely -- the only thing better would be if it was like "Our unique blend of hops and awesomeness is sure to blow your curly-haired friends valve."
Matlin: when we got krunked on the elf we just kept ordering not knowing how bad we were, it just tasted so good
Bigtime: it tastes like warm delicious fruit cake right out of the oven
Getting Steve Slaton for a 10th rounder couldn't be better than that shady tree and owner/GM Rickles Gittles likes Warner almost as much as he likes fruitcake. Ok, he doesn't really like fruitcake (or does he??) but you get the idea. Despite his solid keepers, Gittles will need to formulate a better draft strategy for the 2009 season. Last year, he shocked the world by taking supposed rookie phenom Darren McFadden with the 5th overall pick. The selection proved less than stellar as McFadden was a bust and rode the Limes' pine most of the season. In fact, the poor draft led the Limes to an abysmal 2-3 start, including an absolutely embarassing loss to the Face Fucked Hannukah Bears. "A loss is always tough," Gittles said when reached for comment after that game, "but losing to the FFHBs is like getting killed by Jiggly Puff in Smash Brothers...that means it's bad." The Limes' biggest problem last year: quarterback. Gittles waited until late in the draft to nab a signal caller and drafted the craptastic duo of Marc Bulger and Jason Campbell. Fortunately for Gittles, by late October Ludicrous Speed's season was over and owner/GM Mike Hartman was looking to unload Kurt Warner, who had by then emerged as a top 5 quarterback. For only a 7th round pick in the 2009 draft, Gittles finally added his man-crush to the Limes' roster. Gittles spent the rest of the season praying with Warner and his wife Brenda, and the Limes went on a huge run grabbing an elusive wildcard spot. The Limes even managed to take down 2008 champion El Che y los Guerrilleros in the first round of the playoffs before succumbing to Danger Monkey in round two.
Gittles will no doubt be looking to get over the hump this year (that's the playoff hump, not the Commish's gigantic head). He has told media that he's developed a three part plan to achieve success. Part one, go on a national carnival tour as a ring-toss apprentice eating every possible deep-fried food imaginable and 19 different colors of cotton candy. Part two, get a special japanese treatment on his jew-fro for permanent straightening. Part three, draft some solid wideouts to go with the strong starting roster of Peterson, Slaton, and Warner. Admittedly, the first two parts sound much more exciting and entertaining to the rest of the league, but the third part will probably be the most important to the Rickler's squad. The grapevine has Gittles targeting Steve Smith or Roddy White in round two. The grapevine also has Gittles regularly going to Thursday night bible chat with Kurt and Brenda. Will Jesus be enough in 2009? What if Gittles makes him a braised rib roast? The rest of the owners better hope that never happens or the LRFL could be all Gittles all the time.
Biggest Plus Factors: Steve Slaton; peanut-chicken stew, resemblance to Rockband character
Biggest Minus Factors: Valve issues; pictures of flat-ironed hair circulating internet; Jewish girls whose names go well with the word "bullion"
Suggested Team Names: The Explosive Valves; Pot Roasts of Fury; Beer-Braised Death Rays; Facebook Stalkers; Sweeter Tangier Limes
Prediction: The Limes stay healthy and go 10-3, taking the division.
GANGSTALICIOUS RESURECTION
Owner/GM: Emilio "Badelio" Pabon
Last Season: 6-7, lost (fortunately) in the Toilet Bowl
Keepers: Reggie Wayne (2), Anquan Boldin (4), DeAngelo Williams (9)
Getting Steve Slaton for a 10th rounder couldn't be better than that shady tree and owner/GM Rickles Gittles likes Warner almost as much as he likes fruitcake. Ok, he doesn't really like fruitcake (or does he??) but you get the idea. Despite his solid keepers, Gittles will need to formulate a better draft strategy for the 2009 season. Last year, he shocked the world by taking supposed rookie phenom Darren McFadden with the 5th overall pick. The selection proved less than stellar as McFadden was a bust and rode the Limes' pine most of the season. In fact, the poor draft led the Limes to an abysmal 2-3 start, including an absolutely embarassing loss to the Face Fucked Hannukah Bears. "A loss is always tough," Gittles said when reached for comment after that game, "but losing to the FFHBs is like getting killed by Jiggly Puff in Smash Brothers...that means it's bad." The Limes' biggest problem last year: quarterback. Gittles waited until late in the draft to nab a signal caller and drafted the craptastic duo of Marc Bulger and Jason Campbell. Fortunately for Gittles, by late October Ludicrous Speed's season was over and owner/GM Mike Hartman was looking to unload Kurt Warner, who had by then emerged as a top 5 quarterback. For only a 7th round pick in the 2009 draft, Gittles finally added his man-crush to the Limes' roster. Gittles spent the rest of the season praying with Warner and his wife Brenda, and the Limes went on a huge run grabbing an elusive wildcard spot. The Limes even managed to take down 2008 champion El Che y los Guerrilleros in the first round of the playoffs before succumbing to Danger Monkey in round two.
Gittles will no doubt be looking to get over the hump this year (that's the playoff hump, not the Commish's gigantic head). He has told media that he's developed a three part plan to achieve success. Part one, go on a national carnival tour as a ring-toss apprentice eating every possible deep-fried food imaginable and 19 different colors of cotton candy. Part two, get a special japanese treatment on his jew-fro for permanent straightening. Part three, draft some solid wideouts to go with the strong starting roster of Peterson, Slaton, and Warner. Admittedly, the first two parts sound much more exciting and entertaining to the rest of the league, but the third part will probably be the most important to the Rickler's squad. The grapevine has Gittles targeting Steve Smith or Roddy White in round two. The grapevine also has Gittles regularly going to Thursday night bible chat with Kurt and Brenda. Will Jesus be enough in 2009? What if Gittles makes him a braised rib roast? The rest of the owners better hope that never happens or the LRFL could be all Gittles all the time.
Biggest Plus Factors: Steve Slaton; peanut-chicken stew, resemblance to Rockband character
Biggest Minus Factors: Valve issues; pictures of flat-ironed hair circulating internet; Jewish girls whose names go well with the word "bullion"
Suggested Team Names: The Explosive Valves; Pot Roasts of Fury; Beer-Braised Death Rays; Facebook Stalkers; Sweeter Tangier Limes
Prediction: The Limes stay healthy and go 10-3, taking the division.
GANGSTALICIOUS RESURECTION
Owner/GM: Emilio "Badelio" Pabon
Last Season: 6-7, lost (fortunately) in the Toilet Bowl
Keepers: Reggie Wayne (2), Anquan Boldin (4), DeAngelo Williams (9)
Matlin: gittles and i will be in puerto rico at the AAB. with sharif...on the beach in our dresses
Bigtime: well i will be in puerto rico at the end of december. maybe i can hire that puerto rican girl to start the bacon whiskey and ill be able to search for a good butcher to provide us with all of our bacon needs
Matlin: whose got my bacon???
Bigtime: paella and mofongo and bacon explosion...what could be better than that?
What a difference a year makes for our Puerto Rican brother. What a difference a year makes. The Gs were amongst the bottom-feeders in 2007, never being able to put together a winning streak on the legs of their aging running backs. Owner/ GM Emilio Badelio Pabon managed to turn things around in 2008 and the Gs were much better than their 6-7 record would seem to indicate. The biggest change had to be the newly acquired waiver wire wizardry of Pabon, who nabbed DeAngelo Williams after he was released mid-season by Ludicrous Speed. Williams ended up finishing as a top five running back and gave the Gs a glimmer of hope. Pabon reportedly sent Hartman a nice fruit basket for his role in the acquisition. Unfortunately, the front office moves couldn't carry the day and there was too much amiss with the team to go on a serious run in the regular season. Pabon struggled to find a reliable quarterback, vascillating between the inadequate talents of Matt Schaub (eventually injured) and David Garrard. The Gs running back crew also was poor outside of Williams: Gs early season scoring leader Larry Johnson found himself on an indefinite stay on the Kansas City bench and Jamal Lewis's numbers sputtered with the Cleveland offense. Additionally, the Gs season took a big hit when Anquan Boldin's head exploded -- Emo supposedly saw footage of the injury after hotboxing the downstairs bathroom at the District Chophouse. Said an unnamed friend of Pabon's, "watching Boldin's head blow up blew Emo's mind which was blown when Boldin's head blew up from that hit." The injury took its toll, and Pabon never got active enough in the trade market to put together a winning roster.
One thing that the Gs can take solace in is the fact that all seven regular season losses were to playoff teams. Of course, this also means that the Gs are going to have to win at least two more division games this season to challenge for a playoff spot. The Gs appear to have a good starting base with Wayne, Boldin, and Williams, and also possess the first overall pick in the draft. We've heard inklings that Pabon is leaning towards shoring up his receiving corps with Roddy White, but he also supposedly likes Steven Jackson due to his shared hatred of haircuts. Pabon would be wise to take care of the quarterback position early on, lest he find himself in the same position as last year. The rest of the league is curious to see how Pabon executes his war-room from the small screen of his iPhone and whether the unreliable touchscreen will result in him taking Roddy Piper instead of Roddy White with the first pick. No matter how the draft goes though, the Gs must take down either the Limes in week two or Hollywood Hogwash in week three to make a statement that they are for real. As far as we know, there isn't an app for that (thanks, I'll be here all week).
Biggest Plus Factors: Waiver wire skills; iPhone typing ability; looks like a young version of Sean Connery's character in Highlander.
Biggest Minus Factors: Potential to get pony-tail caught in a bearing press, Matlin's comments about Puerto Ricans.
Suggested Team Names: Latino Heat; The Chimichongas (Commish suggestion); Not Quite America (ditto); Porn Staches
Prediction: The Gs finish 7-6, challenge for a wildcard spot but ultimately fall short.
Face Fucked Hannukah Bears
Owner/GM: Robert "Bobby" Frederickson IV
Last Season: 2-11, beat the Gs in the Toilet Bowl playoffs to avoid a repeat Toilet Bowl victory.
Keepers: Dallas Clark (7), Ray Rice (10), Antonio Bryant (15)
Gittles: so i think shmanet is throwing a happy hour tonight at ESL. Should i ask how the party went or is that a touchy subject?
What a difference a year makes for our Puerto Rican brother. What a difference a year makes. The Gs were amongst the bottom-feeders in 2007, never being able to put together a winning streak on the legs of their aging running backs. Owner/ GM Emilio Badelio Pabon managed to turn things around in 2008 and the Gs were much better than their 6-7 record would seem to indicate. The biggest change had to be the newly acquired waiver wire wizardry of Pabon, who nabbed DeAngelo Williams after he was released mid-season by Ludicrous Speed. Williams ended up finishing as a top five running back and gave the Gs a glimmer of hope. Pabon reportedly sent Hartman a nice fruit basket for his role in the acquisition. Unfortunately, the front office moves couldn't carry the day and there was too much amiss with the team to go on a serious run in the regular season. Pabon struggled to find a reliable quarterback, vascillating between the inadequate talents of Matt Schaub (eventually injured) and David Garrard. The Gs running back crew also was poor outside of Williams: Gs early season scoring leader Larry Johnson found himself on an indefinite stay on the Kansas City bench and Jamal Lewis's numbers sputtered with the Cleveland offense. Additionally, the Gs season took a big hit when Anquan Boldin's head exploded -- Emo supposedly saw footage of the injury after hotboxing the downstairs bathroom at the District Chophouse. Said an unnamed friend of Pabon's, "watching Boldin's head blow up blew Emo's mind which was blown when Boldin's head blew up from that hit." The injury took its toll, and Pabon never got active enough in the trade market to put together a winning roster.
One thing that the Gs can take solace in is the fact that all seven regular season losses were to playoff teams. Of course, this also means that the Gs are going to have to win at least two more division games this season to challenge for a playoff spot. The Gs appear to have a good starting base with Wayne, Boldin, and Williams, and also possess the first overall pick in the draft. We've heard inklings that Pabon is leaning towards shoring up his receiving corps with Roddy White, but he also supposedly likes Steven Jackson due to his shared hatred of haircuts. Pabon would be wise to take care of the quarterback position early on, lest he find himself in the same position as last year. The rest of the league is curious to see how Pabon executes his war-room from the small screen of his iPhone and whether the unreliable touchscreen will result in him taking Roddy Piper instead of Roddy White with the first pick. No matter how the draft goes though, the Gs must take down either the Limes in week two or Hollywood Hogwash in week three to make a statement that they are for real. As far as we know, there isn't an app for that (thanks, I'll be here all week).
Biggest Plus Factors: Waiver wire skills; iPhone typing ability; looks like a young version of Sean Connery's character in Highlander.
Biggest Minus Factors: Potential to get pony-tail caught in a bearing press, Matlin's comments about Puerto Ricans.
Suggested Team Names: Latino Heat; The Chimichongas (Commish suggestion); Not Quite America (ditto); Porn Staches
Prediction: The Gs finish 7-6, challenge for a wildcard spot but ultimately fall short.
Face Fucked Hannukah Bears
Owner/GM: Robert "Bobby" Frederickson IV
Last Season: 2-11, beat the Gs in the Toilet Bowl playoffs to avoid a repeat Toilet Bowl victory.
Keepers: Dallas Clark (7), Ray Rice (10), Antonio Bryant (15)
Gittles: so i think shmanet is throwing a happy hour tonight at ESL. Should i ask how the party went or is that a touchy subject?
Bigtime: touchy
Gittles: i won't smirk when i ask
Matlin: stay away from the subject
Gittles: it would be worse if i didn't ask though. its like the fat girl breaking a chair...you have to laugh
Matlin: true...always laugh at that
It's fairly obvious that when it comes to the LRFL, Bobby Frederickson's franchise is the fat girl breaking the chair...and it would be wrong if we didn't laugh. What is there to say about a team that has nothing? In 2008, Bobby forfeited the first overall pick in the draft, deciding to keep his 2007 first round pick, Rudi Huxtable Johnson, as the centerpiece of his club. Johnson didn't last 3 weeks on the roster, failing to ever record a single point for the FFHBs. As if that wasn't bad enough, Bobby's second round pick, Carson Palmer, was injured for most of the season and wasn't particularly good when he was under center. Third round pick, Laurence Maroney, only gave the FFHBs 93 yards of offense as a starter before being placed on injured reserve. Bobby's draft also included taking the first defense/special teams (Vikings in the seventh) and octogenarian Isaac Bruce in the eighth. It got worse from there. The FFHBs' season also included the trade of Roddy White to Danger Monkey for the somewhat resurgent Julius Jones. As we all know, White was one of the best receivers in the league last year and would have made a great keeper going into 2009. Jones returned to his craptastic ways in late 2008 and will be lucky to be drafted before the 10th round this season. Needless to say, the trade did nothing for the losing ways of the FFHBs. As a quick example, shortly after the trade, Bobby's running back platoon consisted of Jones, LeRon McClain, Ricky Williams, Shaun Alexander, and Correll Buckhalter. It would have been awesome if it was 5 years ago, but it wasn't exactly a murderers row in 2008. The FFHBs finished at the bottom of the power rankings, scored the least amount of points, and had the dubious distinction of having five--yes five--sub-100 point game. This included a week one loss in which they scored only 59.25 points against the Gs (avoiding the LRFL record for least points scored in a game by one point). The only thing that prevented the franchise from completely imploding is that they managed to avoid a second straight loss in the LRFL Toilet Bowl, besting the Gs in the second round of the TB playoffs by unfathomably putting up 180 points.
Other owners have speculated that Bobby's second career as a young associate in a large Boston-based law firm is clouding his football brain. There is also a rumor that there is some potentially-damaging video of him attempting to swing-dance at Hartman's wedding, which may be weighing on his managerial decisions. However, the Office of Public Relations recently discovered that Bobby has, in fact, been moonlighting as a cereal box model:
It's fairly obvious that when it comes to the LRFL, Bobby Frederickson's franchise is the fat girl breaking the chair...and it would be wrong if we didn't laugh. What is there to say about a team that has nothing? In 2008, Bobby forfeited the first overall pick in the draft, deciding to keep his 2007 first round pick, Rudi Huxtable Johnson, as the centerpiece of his club. Johnson didn't last 3 weeks on the roster, failing to ever record a single point for the FFHBs. As if that wasn't bad enough, Bobby's second round pick, Carson Palmer, was injured for most of the season and wasn't particularly good when he was under center. Third round pick, Laurence Maroney, only gave the FFHBs 93 yards of offense as a starter before being placed on injured reserve. Bobby's draft also included taking the first defense/special teams (Vikings in the seventh) and octogenarian Isaac Bruce in the eighth. It got worse from there. The FFHBs' season also included the trade of Roddy White to Danger Monkey for the somewhat resurgent Julius Jones. As we all know, White was one of the best receivers in the league last year and would have made a great keeper going into 2009. Jones returned to his craptastic ways in late 2008 and will be lucky to be drafted before the 10th round this season. Needless to say, the trade did nothing for the losing ways of the FFHBs. As a quick example, shortly after the trade, Bobby's running back platoon consisted of Jones, LeRon McClain, Ricky Williams, Shaun Alexander, and Correll Buckhalter. It would have been awesome if it was 5 years ago, but it wasn't exactly a murderers row in 2008. The FFHBs finished at the bottom of the power rankings, scored the least amount of points, and had the dubious distinction of having five--yes five--sub-100 point game. This included a week one loss in which they scored only 59.25 points against the Gs (avoiding the LRFL record for least points scored in a game by one point). The only thing that prevented the franchise from completely imploding is that they managed to avoid a second straight loss in the LRFL Toilet Bowl, besting the Gs in the second round of the TB playoffs by unfathomably putting up 180 points.
Other owners have speculated that Bobby's second career as a young associate in a large Boston-based law firm is clouding his football brain. There is also a rumor that there is some potentially-damaging video of him attempting to swing-dance at Hartman's wedding, which may be weighing on his managerial decisions. However, the Office of Public Relations recently discovered that Bobby has, in fact, been moonlighting as a cereal box model:
Now in 2009, Bobby must dig down deep, turn his modeling career aside, and get back to his duties as GM of the FFHBs. Unfortunately, his keepers have started him out on the wrong foot. While Antonio Bryant--a top 20 receiver--is a great value for a 15th pick, Dallas Clark probably would have gone in the 6th or 7th round, and Ray Rice's season is as unpredictable as a Magic Hat sampler pack. We certainly don't think that he's a reliable #2 running back. Bobby will need to exercise some real savvy in the draft and fellow GMs are dying to see what he does with the 4th overall pick. We hear Edgerin James is available.
Biggest Plus Factors: Used to losing.
Biggest Minus Factors: Used to losing.
Suggested Team Names: Models, Inc.; FC Skechers; Badunkadunks; Rudi Johnson Relief Fund
Prediction: Bobby's franchise repeats its 2-11 performance, finishes at the bottom of the power rankings, and finally sets the record for least amount of points scored in a game.
Faith + 1 Division
Lunch Money
Owner/GM: Paul Kennedy
Last Season: 9-4 (Division Champ); defeated Danger Monkey in LRFL Championship
Keepers: Drew Brees (4), Kevin Smith (6), Pierre Thomas (15)
Bigtime: oh, this? this is a triple-cream brie from southwestern france. the cows feed exclusively on allspice and wheatberries.
League champion Lunch Money returns stocked with Grade A keepers that will cost little in the way of draftpicks. Owner/GM Paul Kennedy has reportedly been going all over town telling people how good his team is and calling all of the other owners "pear-shaped losers." In other words, he's turned into a bit of an elitest. How did Lunch Money get to this position of prominence? It was obvious to all that the team needed a fresh start after it crashed and burned in the 2007 playoffs. The primary culprit was Kennedy's chosen team name, the Rape Stand, which could only be described as a truly awful idea. Rechristening his team Lunch Money, Kennedy embarked on a new run-heavy philosophy and displayed true draft genius. He initially drew jeers when he took Drew Brees with the 13th overall pick despite already having the quarterback and Jessica Simpson-pearl-necklacing skills of Tony Romo on his roster. Kennedy quickly quieted his critics, however, picking up a week one win over the Douche Chills where his team scored nearly 150 points all while starting Santonio Holmes, Jerricho Cotchery, and Kevin Walter at wide receiver. It was predicted that the weak receiver corps of Lunch Money would prevent Kennedy from once again unleashing his fury on the league. Instead, Lunch Money rolled through its first four opponents and Kennedy found himself with the top-ranked receiving corps in the league. Soon after, Tony Romo broke his thumb while giving Simpson a "bowling ball," and the Brees pick was looking pretty good. The 2008 season was not without its struggles though -- Lunch Money dropped three games in a row late in the season (including a soul-crushing 0.5 point loss to the Pontoon Boats), giving El Che y los Guerrilleros a chance to take the division. Like any good team does, however, Lunch Money beat who they were supposed to beat, both destroying the Douche Chills in week twelve and beating the welcome-mat resembling Handjobs in week thirteen. From there, Lunch Money went on a fairly easy road to playoff victory, culminating in a championship win against the Sethadiah Pruss-led Danger Monkey.
Heading into 2009 there are lingering questions about Kennedy's team. Can they hold up to the pressure of repeating? Will Kennedy finally get a good team name? Will Drago ever make amends for drinking Kennedy's bottle of red wine? One thing that is not in question is Kennedy's management skills. He heads into the season with three top-36 players on his roster, yet somehow still has picks in the first three rounds of the draft. We expect big things from Drew Brees and Kevin Smith and although something is askew with Pierre Thomas's knee, much like something is askew with Kennedy's pronunciation of the word "scallop," he is a more than serviceable #2 running back and costs next-to-nothing. The team still lacks a bona fide #1 running back and will need to add some talented receivers to have a chance at challenging for the title once again. In reality though, the only thing holding the team back is Kennedy's new position with the Chicago Blackhawks, which will undoubtedly cut into the time he can spend managing Lunch Money (clearly the more important and more successful franchise). Commissioner Matlin is reportedly unhappy that Kennedy's full attention might not be devoted to the LRFL: "Unless this leads to a Hartman-themed "Beard Night" at a Blackhawks home game," he said earlier in the week, "this may be grounds for expulsion." Owner owners have also expressed some discontent that Kennedy did not attend the 2008 Annual Awards Banquet in Washington, DC. Pruss was particularly upset, as he had to wait for his regular-season points championship trophy to arrive in the mail. Pruss was visibly upset when talking to reporters earlier in the week: "Not getting that trophy in person was like showing up for a guys-weekend and one of your buddies is wearing the same jeans as you. You guys know what I'm talking about...right?" Kennedy has promised to maintain his LRFL activity but he clearly has his detractors. The coming weeks will show whether his squad is ready to return to the Elysian fields of victory.
Biggest Plus Factors: Keeper value; more free time after abandoning his duties with the LRFL Public Relations Office to join the press office of a "real" sports franchise.
Biggest Minus Factors: Pressure to repeat; no one being able to confirm or deny that Kennedy still shaves his chest.
Suggested Team Names: The Chicago Blackcocks; The Abe Fromans; The No Talent MassClowns
Prediction: Lunch Money proves to be a one-year wonder, regresses and falls to 7-6, and misses out on the division championship based on head-to-head with El Che.
El Che y Los Guerrilleros
Biggest Plus Factors: Used to losing.
Biggest Minus Factors: Used to losing.
Suggested Team Names: Models, Inc.; FC Skechers; Badunkadunks; Rudi Johnson Relief Fund
Prediction: Bobby's franchise repeats its 2-11 performance, finishes at the bottom of the power rankings, and finally sets the record for least amount of points scored in a game.
Faith + 1 Division
Lunch Money
Owner/GM: Paul Kennedy
Last Season: 9-4 (Division Champ); defeated Danger Monkey in LRFL Championship
Keepers: Drew Brees (4), Kevin Smith (6), Pierre Thomas (15)
Bigtime: oh, this? this is a triple-cream brie from southwestern france. the cows feed exclusively on allspice and wheatberries.
League champion Lunch Money returns stocked with Grade A keepers that will cost little in the way of draftpicks. Owner/GM Paul Kennedy has reportedly been going all over town telling people how good his team is and calling all of the other owners "pear-shaped losers." In other words, he's turned into a bit of an elitest. How did Lunch Money get to this position of prominence? It was obvious to all that the team needed a fresh start after it crashed and burned in the 2007 playoffs. The primary culprit was Kennedy's chosen team name, the Rape Stand, which could only be described as a truly awful idea. Rechristening his team Lunch Money, Kennedy embarked on a new run-heavy philosophy and displayed true draft genius. He initially drew jeers when he took Drew Brees with the 13th overall pick despite already having the quarterback and Jessica Simpson-pearl-necklacing skills of Tony Romo on his roster. Kennedy quickly quieted his critics, however, picking up a week one win over the Douche Chills where his team scored nearly 150 points all while starting Santonio Holmes, Jerricho Cotchery, and Kevin Walter at wide receiver. It was predicted that the weak receiver corps of Lunch Money would prevent Kennedy from once again unleashing his fury on the league. Instead, Lunch Money rolled through its first four opponents and Kennedy found himself with the top-ranked receiving corps in the league. Soon after, Tony Romo broke his thumb while giving Simpson a "bowling ball," and the Brees pick was looking pretty good. The 2008 season was not without its struggles though -- Lunch Money dropped three games in a row late in the season (including a soul-crushing 0.5 point loss to the Pontoon Boats), giving El Che y los Guerrilleros a chance to take the division. Like any good team does, however, Lunch Money beat who they were supposed to beat, both destroying the Douche Chills in week twelve and beating the welcome-mat resembling Handjobs in week thirteen. From there, Lunch Money went on a fairly easy road to playoff victory, culminating in a championship win against the Sethadiah Pruss-led Danger Monkey.
Heading into 2009 there are lingering questions about Kennedy's team. Can they hold up to the pressure of repeating? Will Kennedy finally get a good team name? Will Drago ever make amends for drinking Kennedy's bottle of red wine? One thing that is not in question is Kennedy's management skills. He heads into the season with three top-36 players on his roster, yet somehow still has picks in the first three rounds of the draft. We expect big things from Drew Brees and Kevin Smith and although something is askew with Pierre Thomas's knee, much like something is askew with Kennedy's pronunciation of the word "scallop," he is a more than serviceable #2 running back and costs next-to-nothing. The team still lacks a bona fide #1 running back and will need to add some talented receivers to have a chance at challenging for the title once again. In reality though, the only thing holding the team back is Kennedy's new position with the Chicago Blackhawks, which will undoubtedly cut into the time he can spend managing Lunch Money (clearly the more important and more successful franchise). Commissioner Matlin is reportedly unhappy that Kennedy's full attention might not be devoted to the LRFL: "Unless this leads to a Hartman-themed "Beard Night" at a Blackhawks home game," he said earlier in the week, "this may be grounds for expulsion." Owner owners have also expressed some discontent that Kennedy did not attend the 2008 Annual Awards Banquet in Washington, DC. Pruss was particularly upset, as he had to wait for his regular-season points championship trophy to arrive in the mail. Pruss was visibly upset when talking to reporters earlier in the week: "Not getting that trophy in person was like showing up for a guys-weekend and one of your buddies is wearing the same jeans as you. You guys know what I'm talking about...right?" Kennedy has promised to maintain his LRFL activity but he clearly has his detractors. The coming weeks will show whether his squad is ready to return to the Elysian fields of victory.
Biggest Plus Factors: Keeper value; more free time after abandoning his duties with the LRFL Public Relations Office to join the press office of a "real" sports franchise.
Biggest Minus Factors: Pressure to repeat; no one being able to confirm or deny that Kennedy still shaves his chest.
Suggested Team Names: The Chicago Blackcocks; The Abe Fromans; The No Talent MassClowns
Prediction: Lunch Money proves to be a one-year wonder, regresses and falls to 7-6, and misses out on the division championship based on head-to-head with El Che.
El Che y Los Guerrilleros
Owner/GM: Eriq Keentsull
Last Season: 8-5 (wildcard), lost in first round of playoffs to the Sweet Tangy Limes
Keepers: Andre Johnson (1), Jonathan Stewart (7), Phillip Rivers (10)
Matlin: i would go see Tebow preachin if he put out some crablegs
Last Season: 8-5 (wildcard), lost in first round of playoffs to the Sweet Tangy Limes
Keepers: Andre Johnson (1), Jonathan Stewart (7), Phillip Rivers (10)
Matlin: i would go see Tebow preachin if he put out some crablegs
Bigtime: who doesnt like crab legs?
Matlin: i know jesus does
Bigtime: thats why he made them that way
Matlin: are you claiming jesus came up with crabs?
Bigtime: yes that is exactly what I am claiming
El Che y los Guerrilleros, championed by our resident Jesus look-a-like (who, unfortunately, does not eat crab legs), took the LRFL by storm in 2007, winning the championship and striking a blow for poorly-named franchises everywhere. 2008 was a bit of a different story. Keentsull's team had a rough 1-3 start to the year and could never really get its mojo going. Many suspected that the team lost its winning ways because Keentsull was heartbroken once Hartman's cousin-in-law spurned his amorous advances after finding out that Keentsull was a real-deal hippy and not some poser pseudo-hippy hipster dude. The real story, however, is that Keentsull was heartbroken when his rutabaga crop was infested by a rowdy bunch of aphids, leaving it to ruin. El Che did have a nice mid-season run, stringing together five straight wins, but ultimately it could not maintain the momentum and had a crushing 5-point loss to the Matt Katz-helmed Douche Chills in week thirteen. Failing to win the division, the team all but rolled over in the playoffs and the once-rich fields of El Che lay fallow. His spirits crushed, Keentsull moved to no-mans land in Philadelphia, where he has taken to using his own feces to draw up and revise his draft board on his living-room wall. In related news, other Philadelphia-based GMs will not be drafting at the El Che headquarters.
While he couldn't repeat as champ in 2008, Keentsull made some keen in-season moves that have set his team up for success in 2009. He acquired Andre Johnson in the aforementioned trade with the Ginger Kids and picked up Phillip Rivers from Ludicrous Speed for his 2009 seventh round draft pick. Both players will be on the El Che roster heading into this season and should put up some big points. Keentsull also finds value in Jonathan Stewart for a seventh round pick, although Stewart appears a bit hobbled and DeAngelo Williams has so far looked like a monster in the preseason. This points to Keentsull's need to still draft two starting running backs early on and thsi could ultimately hurt his ability to put together a winning roster. Another problem for El Che heading into 2009 include Keentsull's new team rule requiring players to travel exclusively by bicycle. Some GMs think that this may prevent the team from arriving to practice and games on time. Rickles Gittles, for one, saw better alternatives, commenting that Keentsull could have simply bought every player a Prius which is 100% powered by good vibes and positive thinking. Other GMs also have noted that Keentsull's patruli stink continues to disorient his team whenever they try to run the two-minute drill. It's tough to say whether Keentsull will be able to get these issues straightened out before the season starts, but if he can teach urbanites to set up compost piles in their apartments, then certainly he should be able to teach his players about the benefits of holistic living. Whether this results in a championship is a horse, er, a horseradish of an entirely different color.
Biggest Plus Factors: Inexplicable fantasy luck; weak division; spiders living in dreadlocks keep flies out.
Biggest Minus Factors: DeAngelo Williams; tomato blight; olfactory nerves of others.
Suggested Team Names: The Fighting Rhubarb; Is That Vegan?; Beard Beetles; The Communist Socalist Lefty Pinko Radicals
Prediction: El Che also takes a step back and finishes 7-6, with two of those wins coming against Kennedy thus guaranteeing the division championship.
Douche Chills
Owner/GM: Matt Katz
Last Season: 5-8, defeated the Pontoon Boats in first round of Toilet Bowl playoffs
Keepers Reggie Bush (1), Clinton Portis (3), Matt Ryan (15)
Matlin: you don't pop your head in the window and look when they ride by -- especially when you hear woo woo
El Che y los Guerrilleros, championed by our resident Jesus look-a-like (who, unfortunately, does not eat crab legs), took the LRFL by storm in 2007, winning the championship and striking a blow for poorly-named franchises everywhere. 2008 was a bit of a different story. Keentsull's team had a rough 1-3 start to the year and could never really get its mojo going. Many suspected that the team lost its winning ways because Keentsull was heartbroken once Hartman's cousin-in-law spurned his amorous advances after finding out that Keentsull was a real-deal hippy and not some poser pseudo-hippy hipster dude. The real story, however, is that Keentsull was heartbroken when his rutabaga crop was infested by a rowdy bunch of aphids, leaving it to ruin. El Che did have a nice mid-season run, stringing together five straight wins, but ultimately it could not maintain the momentum and had a crushing 5-point loss to the Matt Katz-helmed Douche Chills in week thirteen. Failing to win the division, the team all but rolled over in the playoffs and the once-rich fields of El Che lay fallow. His spirits crushed, Keentsull moved to no-mans land in Philadelphia, where he has taken to using his own feces to draw up and revise his draft board on his living-room wall. In related news, other Philadelphia-based GMs will not be drafting at the El Che headquarters.
While he couldn't repeat as champ in 2008, Keentsull made some keen in-season moves that have set his team up for success in 2009. He acquired Andre Johnson in the aforementioned trade with the Ginger Kids and picked up Phillip Rivers from Ludicrous Speed for his 2009 seventh round draft pick. Both players will be on the El Che roster heading into this season and should put up some big points. Keentsull also finds value in Jonathan Stewart for a seventh round pick, although Stewart appears a bit hobbled and DeAngelo Williams has so far looked like a monster in the preseason. This points to Keentsull's need to still draft two starting running backs early on and thsi could ultimately hurt his ability to put together a winning roster. Another problem for El Che heading into 2009 include Keentsull's new team rule requiring players to travel exclusively by bicycle. Some GMs think that this may prevent the team from arriving to practice and games on time. Rickles Gittles, for one, saw better alternatives, commenting that Keentsull could have simply bought every player a Prius which is 100% powered by good vibes and positive thinking. Other GMs also have noted that Keentsull's patruli stink continues to disorient his team whenever they try to run the two-minute drill. It's tough to say whether Keentsull will be able to get these issues straightened out before the season starts, but if he can teach urbanites to set up compost piles in their apartments, then certainly he should be able to teach his players about the benefits of holistic living. Whether this results in a championship is a horse, er, a horseradish of an entirely different color.
Biggest Plus Factors: Inexplicable fantasy luck; weak division; spiders living in dreadlocks keep flies out.
Biggest Minus Factors: DeAngelo Williams; tomato blight; olfactory nerves of others.
Suggested Team Names: The Fighting Rhubarb; Is That Vegan?; Beard Beetles; The Communist Socalist Lefty Pinko Radicals
Prediction: El Che also takes a step back and finishes 7-6, with two of those wins coming against Kennedy thus guaranteeing the division championship.
Douche Chills
Owner/GM: Matt Katz
Last Season: 5-8, defeated the Pontoon Boats in first round of Toilet Bowl playoffs
Keepers Reggie Bush (1), Clinton Portis (3), Matt Ryan (15)
Matlin: you don't pop your head in the window and look when they ride by -- especially when you hear woo woo
Bigtime: what happens?
Matlin: danger
The above exchange could refer to Katz's new digs -- a burgeoning neighborhood in Philly that is still rife with crack dealers and registered sex offenders -- but if mostly refers to Katz's management philosophy. Katz's franchise was brand new to the LRFL in 2008, and his record reflects his identity as a green fantasy owner. While starting off on the good foot with a great team name, Katz soon drew some harsh criticism due to his performance at the Hartman compound during the 2008 draft. For those not in attendance, here was the standard Katz pick timeline:
0:00: Katz's turn to pick comes up -- Katz too busy reading Gawker to notice.
0:30: After thirty seconds, Katz clicks on the draft wesbite: "Oh, my pick!"
0:31-1:45: Katz alternately stares blankly at his many fantasy websites and glances puppy-eyed at Jake Matlin for assistance.
1:45-2:00: Other GMs begin to irrately ask Katz to make his pick.
2:00-3:30: More blank staring.
3:30: "Dante Stallworth!!!"
The draft "strategy" led to a particularly weak roster, including an end-of-season receiving corps that consisted of Chad Ochocino, Lee Evans, Derrick Mason, Amani Toomer, and Matt Jones. It was actually worse than that before Katz flabbergastingly traded Phillip Rivers straight up to Ludicrous Speed for Jones mid-season. Said Katz of the trade, "any time you can make a deal for a perpetually disappointing white wide-receiver with a coke problem on a run-first offense you have to do it." The trade sparked the ire of other owners/GMs, who were already questioning their decision to vote Katz in to the league. There was off-season talk that Katz had made the least contribution to the league last year and was going to be on a short leash come 2009. Writing off-season emails in Hebrew did not help his cause.
Well it's now time for the 2009 draft. Katz has a new headquarters for the Douche Chills and, more importantly, he has decided inexpicably to travel to Israel and will not be in attendance for the draft. The consensus is that this will actually help his team out since consultant Jake Matlin will have to man the head of the table in the Douche Chills' war room. Matlin, however, will have his work cut out for him. Against the great weight of advice and available analysis, Katz chose to sacrifice his team's first round pick for the rights to Reggie Bush. Bush, of course, has never put up impressive numbers and would likely have been available in the 5th or 6th round of the draft. The Douche Chills will be forced to rely on an aging Clinton Portis and a young Matt Ryan, who carries the significant risk of regressing in his sophomore campaign. On top of the roster concerns, Katz has managed to find himself in raging rivalries with two other owners, Boats owner "Hong Kong Drago" Schmidt and El Che owner Eriq Keentsull. Several other owners feel that Katz's sensitivity could become a big problem during the course of the season. Already having been accused of having beady eyes, receding hair, a euro-trash faux hawk and of generally resembling an aging Jimmy Neutron, the insults will only continue to fly faster and more furiously as the weeks pass. Katz has informed us that he is plotting his revenge, but as it was off-the-record and deep background, we can't comment any further. Katz must put vengeance out of his mind for the time being and focus on building a strong roster and becoming competitive in the Faith + 1 Division. Bush can be good, but once it starts to stink it can ruin everything.
Biggest Plus Factors: Matt Ryan for a 15th rounder; Jake Matlin running draft room; plot in community garden.
Biggest Minus Factors: Reggie Bush for a 1st rounder; the newspaper industry; Dov as real estate agent; getting stood up for neighborhood watch shifts.
Suggested Team Names: Katz Out of the Bag; Aveinu Malkatznu; You Got Katzed; We've Got Bush
Prediction: Katz's squad finishes 4-9 as Jake can't work too much magic into the roster and the Katz fantasy curse spreads to football.
Brett Baker's Pill Extravaganza Bonanza (formerly Handjobs Are the Antithesis of What I Stand For)
Owner/GM: Jeremy Gilman (not Gittleman)
Last Season: 3-10, lost the Toilet Bowl
Keepers: Maurice Jones Drew (1), Antonio Gates (7), LenDale White (9)
Matlin: so you are going to walk in with a stew pot telling everyone its bullion and asking about why janet cried? it is can't miss
The above exchange could refer to Katz's new digs -- a burgeoning neighborhood in Philly that is still rife with crack dealers and registered sex offenders -- but if mostly refers to Katz's management philosophy. Katz's franchise was brand new to the LRFL in 2008, and his record reflects his identity as a green fantasy owner. While starting off on the good foot with a great team name, Katz soon drew some harsh criticism due to his performance at the Hartman compound during the 2008 draft. For those not in attendance, here was the standard Katz pick timeline:
0:00: Katz's turn to pick comes up -- Katz too busy reading Gawker to notice.
0:30: After thirty seconds, Katz clicks on the draft wesbite: "Oh, my pick!"
0:31-1:45: Katz alternately stares blankly at his many fantasy websites and glances puppy-eyed at Jake Matlin for assistance.
1:45-2:00: Other GMs begin to irrately ask Katz to make his pick.
2:00-3:30: More blank staring.
3:30: "Dante Stallworth!!!"
The draft "strategy" led to a particularly weak roster, including an end-of-season receiving corps that consisted of Chad Ochocino, Lee Evans, Derrick Mason, Amani Toomer, and Matt Jones. It was actually worse than that before Katz flabbergastingly traded Phillip Rivers straight up to Ludicrous Speed for Jones mid-season. Said Katz of the trade, "any time you can make a deal for a perpetually disappointing white wide-receiver with a coke problem on a run-first offense you have to do it." The trade sparked the ire of other owners/GMs, who were already questioning their decision to vote Katz in to the league. There was off-season talk that Katz had made the least contribution to the league last year and was going to be on a short leash come 2009. Writing off-season emails in Hebrew did not help his cause.
Well it's now time for the 2009 draft. Katz has a new headquarters for the Douche Chills and, more importantly, he has decided inexpicably to travel to Israel and will not be in attendance for the draft. The consensus is that this will actually help his team out since consultant Jake Matlin will have to man the head of the table in the Douche Chills' war room. Matlin, however, will have his work cut out for him. Against the great weight of advice and available analysis, Katz chose to sacrifice his team's first round pick for the rights to Reggie Bush. Bush, of course, has never put up impressive numbers and would likely have been available in the 5th or 6th round of the draft. The Douche Chills will be forced to rely on an aging Clinton Portis and a young Matt Ryan, who carries the significant risk of regressing in his sophomore campaign. On top of the roster concerns, Katz has managed to find himself in raging rivalries with two other owners, Boats owner "Hong Kong Drago" Schmidt and El Che owner Eriq Keentsull. Several other owners feel that Katz's sensitivity could become a big problem during the course of the season. Already having been accused of having beady eyes, receding hair, a euro-trash faux hawk and of generally resembling an aging Jimmy Neutron, the insults will only continue to fly faster and more furiously as the weeks pass. Katz has informed us that he is plotting his revenge, but as it was off-the-record and deep background, we can't comment any further. Katz must put vengeance out of his mind for the time being and focus on building a strong roster and becoming competitive in the Faith + 1 Division. Bush can be good, but once it starts to stink it can ruin everything.
Biggest Plus Factors: Matt Ryan for a 15th rounder; Jake Matlin running draft room; plot in community garden.
Biggest Minus Factors: Reggie Bush for a 1st rounder; the newspaper industry; Dov as real estate agent; getting stood up for neighborhood watch shifts.
Suggested Team Names: Katz Out of the Bag; Aveinu Malkatznu; You Got Katzed; We've Got Bush
Prediction: Katz's squad finishes 4-9 as Jake can't work too much magic into the roster and the Katz fantasy curse spreads to football.
Brett Baker's Pill Extravaganza Bonanza (formerly Handjobs Are the Antithesis of What I Stand For)
Owner/GM: Jeremy Gilman (not Gittleman)
Last Season: 3-10, lost the Toilet Bowl
Keepers: Maurice Jones Drew (1), Antonio Gates (7), LenDale White (9)
Matlin: so you are going to walk in with a stew pot telling everyone its bullion and asking about why janet cried? it is can't miss
Gittles: whats your last name? Greenstein? Greenstein Bullion! nope, next
Bigtime: Chicken bullion?
Matlin: what about something like Sarah Silvermine
Bigtime: bullion cube? Rachel Goldensilver
Gittles: yikes, thats one too many for me
Matlin: Sister Goldenhair
Bigtime: Rebecca Nopubes
Matlin: HA
Gittles: thats a good one
Much like Rebecca Nopubes, Gilman's squad will go into the 2009 season with one of the greatest fantasy names of all time: Brett Baker's Pill Extravaganza Bonanza. It's about time Gilman got a good name after the 2008 debacle of "Handjobs Are the Antithesis of What I Stand For" (other owners are still trying to figure out what that team name meant). Of course, Gilman receives no credit for the new name. It was the rest of the league that voted for the change after the Handjobs lost the 2008 Toilet Bowl. Though not as bad as the FFHBs, Gilman's 2008 season was about as horrific as it gets. In fact, Gilman's squad actually lost to the FFHBs, which has pretty much become the proverbial scarlet letter among league owners. Of course, it was no suprise that the Handjobs had such a bad year -- as most will remember, Gilman lost the team's 2008 first round pick by failing to pay his league dues on time. Any owner/GM in this league would have a tough time coming back from that and by season's end, the Handjobs roster included guys like Hank Baskett, Joey Galloway, Alex Smith (TE), and Bobby Wade. As a result, Gilman was left with few keeper options heading into this year. Maurice Jones Drew was a must (though we have injury concerns), and Antonio Gates for a 7th rounder is arguably a good value, but LenDale White should not be kept under any circumstances even if he is rumored to be twenty pounds lighter. Gilman would have been better off only keeping the former two and trying to build his team through the draft.
It is, accordingly, somewhat surprising that Gilman is already touting himself as the LRFL's most improved manager. Bobby Frederickson was particularly irate about Gilman's prognostications, arguing that all he would have to do to be considered the most-improved manager is to win three games and have an average weekly score of more than 75 points. Gilman should also keep in mind that being a good manager is more about wins, losses, and points; it's also about one's contribution to the league. It takes more than two emails on the LRFL listserve per season and getting roaring drunk at the AAB to be a quality participant. For example, couldn't a drunken Gilman have at least kicked Hong Kong Drago in the balls at the 2008 AAB? That's the kind of fire the league needs and, reportedly, the Commish is thinking of bringing up Gilman's franchise for expulsion at season's end unless he submits three video recordings of him kicking Drago in the balls to the LRFL offices during the course of the season. Fortunately, the league website now has streaming video capabilities so everyone will be able to enjoy. Our advice, do it from behind. Drago surely developed some sort of ball-protection technique while training with his sensei's sensei's sensei in Japan. Wax on, wax off.
Bigget Plus Factors: Has all draft picks this year; LenDale White 20 pounds lighter.
Biggest Minus Factors: Taint of toilet bowl loss still palpable; email frequency (or lack thereof); rumor that LenDale White has tapeworms.
Suggested Team Names (if Gilman had option): The Invisible Men; Vagina Sand
Prediction: 3-10; Gilman loses interest in the league half-way through the season and starts players on their bye weeks.
Jesus and Pals Division
Danger Monkey
Owner/GM: Sethadiah Pruss
Last Season: 10-3 (Division Champ); lost to Lunch Money in championship
Keepers: Calvin Johnson (5), Matt Forte (7), Aaron Rodgers (14)
Bigtime: i didnt even notice that -- i was more concerned with why he used that version of the pig emoticon
Much like Rebecca Nopubes, Gilman's squad will go into the 2009 season with one of the greatest fantasy names of all time: Brett Baker's Pill Extravaganza Bonanza. It's about time Gilman got a good name after the 2008 debacle of "Handjobs Are the Antithesis of What I Stand For" (other owners are still trying to figure out what that team name meant). Of course, Gilman receives no credit for the new name. It was the rest of the league that voted for the change after the Handjobs lost the 2008 Toilet Bowl. Though not as bad as the FFHBs, Gilman's 2008 season was about as horrific as it gets. In fact, Gilman's squad actually lost to the FFHBs, which has pretty much become the proverbial scarlet letter among league owners. Of course, it was no suprise that the Handjobs had such a bad year -- as most will remember, Gilman lost the team's 2008 first round pick by failing to pay his league dues on time. Any owner/GM in this league would have a tough time coming back from that and by season's end, the Handjobs roster included guys like Hank Baskett, Joey Galloway, Alex Smith (TE), and Bobby Wade. As a result, Gilman was left with few keeper options heading into this year. Maurice Jones Drew was a must (though we have injury concerns), and Antonio Gates for a 7th rounder is arguably a good value, but LenDale White should not be kept under any circumstances even if he is rumored to be twenty pounds lighter. Gilman would have been better off only keeping the former two and trying to build his team through the draft.
It is, accordingly, somewhat surprising that Gilman is already touting himself as the LRFL's most improved manager. Bobby Frederickson was particularly irate about Gilman's prognostications, arguing that all he would have to do to be considered the most-improved manager is to win three games and have an average weekly score of more than 75 points. Gilman should also keep in mind that being a good manager is more about wins, losses, and points; it's also about one's contribution to the league. It takes more than two emails on the LRFL listserve per season and getting roaring drunk at the AAB to be a quality participant. For example, couldn't a drunken Gilman have at least kicked Hong Kong Drago in the balls at the 2008 AAB? That's the kind of fire the league needs and, reportedly, the Commish is thinking of bringing up Gilman's franchise for expulsion at season's end unless he submits three video recordings of him kicking Drago in the balls to the LRFL offices during the course of the season. Fortunately, the league website now has streaming video capabilities so everyone will be able to enjoy. Our advice, do it from behind. Drago surely developed some sort of ball-protection technique while training with his sensei's sensei's sensei in Japan. Wax on, wax off.
Bigget Plus Factors: Has all draft picks this year; LenDale White 20 pounds lighter.
Biggest Minus Factors: Taint of toilet bowl loss still palpable; email frequency (or lack thereof); rumor that LenDale White has tapeworms.
Suggested Team Names (if Gilman had option): The Invisible Men; Vagina Sand
Prediction: 3-10; Gilman loses interest in the league half-way through the season and starts players on their bye weeks.
Jesus and Pals Division
Danger Monkey
Owner/GM: Sethadiah Pruss
Last Season: 10-3 (Division Champ); lost to Lunch Money in championship
Keepers: Calvin Johnson (5), Matt Forte (7), Aaron Rodgers (14)
Bigtime: i didnt even notice that -- i was more concerned with why he used that version of the pig emoticon
Gittles: yeah, good call, the other one is just sitting in the barn waiting to be used
Bigtime: exactly. why go with a sirloin when you have prime dry-aged ribeye sitting right there?
Danger Monkey's roster at the end of the 2008 season read like the starting lineup of the Pro Bowl: Matt Forte, Brandon Jacobs, Steven Jackson, Calvin Johnson, Wes Welker, Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez, Jason Witten, and Aaron Rodgers. Picking keepers for Pruss was like shooting fish in a barrel (town's the fish, people the barrel), but the media has questioned Pruss's decision to keep Aaron Rodgers as opposed to Steven Jackson, who would have cost a first rounder, or Roddy White or Tony Gonzalez, who would have each cost a sixth rounder. Rodgers is surely a great value at the cost of a 14th round pick, but many question whether he should be rated so high entering the season. Even if Rodgers costs little, we wonder whether it makes sense to give up the rights to known commodities in Jackson, White, Witten, and Gonzalez. Decisions like this aren't new to Danger Monkey, however. Pruss tends to be one of those GMs that constantly out-thinks himself, always tinkering with an already solid roster. Though it worked out in 2008 for the most part, that kind of over-analysis usually results in some very poor trade decisions from Pruss. When you add the distraction of his new child--which he disconcertingly refers to as "my man"--and his never-ending quest to strike the right facial pose in pictures with said baby, it is not entirely out of the question that Pruss could end up making some really bad decisions for Danger Monkey. We haven't even gotten to Pruss's 80 hour-a-week job as a blogger for thesejeansaresweet.com.
Fortunately for Pruss, Danger Monkey heads into the draft with a fool-proof starting duo of Johnson and Forte, both top-20 picks. Both players played significant roles in nabbing a division championship for Danger Monkey and both must live up to their 2009 hype for Pruss to repeat a deep playoff run. With Pruss having draft picks in the first four rounds, he should be able to add another solid running back and assemble an all-together frightening receiver group. As such, it's no surprise that Danger Monkey will be the early-season favorite in the Jesus and Pals Division. Pruss's nagging problem, as always, will be the direct phone line he keeps with Hong Kong Drago Schmidt. The phone line has led to countless horrible trades in previous seasons, and Pruss will be desparate for another human voice since his son cannot yet speak and his wife is involved in a torrid WordTwist affair with other league owners. Danger Monkey faces further problems as a result of its leaders's poor judgment. This offseason, Pruss has been openly and confusingly referring to his franchise as "America's team," both irking and drawing puzzled stares from other owners. Also angering fellow owners is Pruss's habit of soliciting roster and draft advice and then failing to return the same when asked. Surely all this is doing is painting a giant target on the back of Pruss's heather-gray cashmere cardigan. If Pruss can get out of his own way, Danger Monkey might have a chance--but that's a big if.
Bigget Plus Factors: Enters draft loaded with players and picks; recently retained private denim tailor to ensure Ades can't copy jeans; bocce skills.
Biggest Minus Factors: Poor trade judgment; still doesn't realize that Notre Dame isn't part of a division one conference.
Suggested Team Names: Blue Steel; The Manwhores; Baby Bjorn Ballers; My Men
Prediction: Danger Monkey goes 9-4 in the regular season, failing to repeat their 5-1 inter-division record from a year ago, and wins the division tie-breaker on overall points.
ΔΣ (Dark Side)
Owner/GM: Jonathan "Jonny HIV" Ades
Last Season: 7-6 (wildcard), lost in first round of playoffs to Lunch Money
Keepers: Randy Moss (2); Ryan Grant (3); Gregg Jennings (6)
Bigtime: so you know they give you a choice of ketchup or catsup at Hellburger? the catsup just looks so good in the bottle. it looks kind of thick and all crimson colored...like someone really cared for it. so i wanted some on my tater puffs and i took off the cap
Gittles: and poof?
Bigtime: i figured it would pour just like ketcup, its bastardized cousin...but it came rushing out. half the bottle all over my plate
Matlin: ha
Bigtime: it was embrassing
Matlin: was it watery?
Bigtime: a little bit and as it turned out I didnt even like it
Matlin: did you shake it
Bigtime: i tapped - like Heinz 57
Matlin: did it ruin any of the taters?
Gittles: they were in a boat. it was a miracle
Gittles: they were in a boat. it was a miracle
Matlin: very lucky
Bigtime: yeah. so i swept some of the catsup away with my knife and covered it with the tomato so the guy cleaning up didnt notice
Matlin: were you afraid of hurting feelings?
Bigtime: no i thought they might kick me out if they saw me wasting catsup
Ades's 2008 season can only be described with one word: luck. Like Hartman and his catsup dilemna, the rest of the league is still trying to figure out how the Ades-led Dark Side fell ass-backwards into the playoffs last year. A thorough examination of the team's 2008 schedule reveals that Ades was able to string together several wins against division rivals late in the season and got the rest of the way with some help from the scheduling gods. Dark Side's only three non-division wins came in games against the FFHBs, the Douche Chills, and an overrated El Che--pretty much the frosting on a crap-flavored birthday cake. It was no suprise when Ades's squad was anihilated by Lunch Money in the first round of the playoffs. Since the loss, it has not been an easy offseason for owner/GM Jon Ades, who has had to overcome quite a bit in the months leading up to the LRFL draft. First, the Dark Side's Baltimore-based headquarters were ransacked by several groups of roving gangmembers who have taken to the city streets in order to deliver beatdowns to local residents. Second, a red tide in Baltimore harbor caused several thousand fish to die, making the city smell worse than usual. Ades had trouble convincing free agents to visit his facilities and player morale appears to be low. Third, and finally, Ades came in last place in the annual LRFL GM spelling bee. "It was tough going out in the first round," said Ades, "t-u-p-h tough."
The Dark Side go into the 2009 season with a return to the playoffs on their collective mind. Already, Ades has faced some criticism over his managerial skills and his keeper selections. Only Gregg Jennings for a third rounder appears to provide major value and it is questionable whether Ryan Grant would even have gone by the end of the 3rd round (he certainly wouldn't have gone any earlier). Ades will need to be at the top of his game come draft time and hope that his GM-skills match his proficiency with a crab mallet. Speaking of which, rumor has it that, in typical Jerry Jones-fashion, Ades has taken to walking around with a diamond-encrusted crab mallet in a holster around his waist. Will such showy tactics work to intimidate fellow owners, or will they simply draw distraction to an already troubled team? A better question: where can you get an egg sandwich in Baltimore without having to take a ten-minute drive in a car? No seriously, Randy Moss wants to know. If Ades can't keep him happy, it's going to be a long season.
Biggest Plus Factors: Solid receivers; Ray Lewis fathead finally delivered by UPS; BMW can parallel park itself.
Biggest Minus Factors: Baltimore-based headquarters; scientists predict global warming will cause ocean to run out of shrimp by 2017.
Suggested Team Names: Columbia Plaza A Building Allstars; The Shrimp Shack Shooters; Argyle Suprise
Prediction: Ades's franchise returns to familiar form and goes 6-7.
Pontoon Boats
Owner/GM: Evan "Hong Kong Drago" Schmidt
Last Season: 5-8, beat Handjobs in second round of Toilet Bowl playoffs
Keepers: Frank Gore (1); Terrell Owens (2); Marques Colston (3)
Matlin: i forgot to tell you about a great conversation drago and i had. it was just about how fondly we remembered the first Ninja turtle moviehe loved casey jones, but he didn't think april was hot and i strongly disagreed
Ades's 2008 season can only be described with one word: luck. Like Hartman and his catsup dilemna, the rest of the league is still trying to figure out how the Ades-led Dark Side fell ass-backwards into the playoffs last year. A thorough examination of the team's 2008 schedule reveals that Ades was able to string together several wins against division rivals late in the season and got the rest of the way with some help from the scheduling gods. Dark Side's only three non-division wins came in games against the FFHBs, the Douche Chills, and an overrated El Che--pretty much the frosting on a crap-flavored birthday cake. It was no suprise when Ades's squad was anihilated by Lunch Money in the first round of the playoffs. Since the loss, it has not been an easy offseason for owner/GM Jon Ades, who has had to overcome quite a bit in the months leading up to the LRFL draft. First, the Dark Side's Baltimore-based headquarters were ransacked by several groups of roving gangmembers who have taken to the city streets in order to deliver beatdowns to local residents. Second, a red tide in Baltimore harbor caused several thousand fish to die, making the city smell worse than usual. Ades had trouble convincing free agents to visit his facilities and player morale appears to be low. Third, and finally, Ades came in last place in the annual LRFL GM spelling bee. "It was tough going out in the first round," said Ades, "t-u-p-h tough."
The Dark Side go into the 2009 season with a return to the playoffs on their collective mind. Already, Ades has faced some criticism over his managerial skills and his keeper selections. Only Gregg Jennings for a third rounder appears to provide major value and it is questionable whether Ryan Grant would even have gone by the end of the 3rd round (he certainly wouldn't have gone any earlier). Ades will need to be at the top of his game come draft time and hope that his GM-skills match his proficiency with a crab mallet. Speaking of which, rumor has it that, in typical Jerry Jones-fashion, Ades has taken to walking around with a diamond-encrusted crab mallet in a holster around his waist. Will such showy tactics work to intimidate fellow owners, or will they simply draw distraction to an already troubled team? A better question: where can you get an egg sandwich in Baltimore without having to take a ten-minute drive in a car? No seriously, Randy Moss wants to know. If Ades can't keep him happy, it's going to be a long season.
Biggest Plus Factors: Solid receivers; Ray Lewis fathead finally delivered by UPS; BMW can parallel park itself.
Biggest Minus Factors: Baltimore-based headquarters; scientists predict global warming will cause ocean to run out of shrimp by 2017.
Suggested Team Names: Columbia Plaza A Building Allstars; The Shrimp Shack Shooters; Argyle Suprise
Prediction: Ades's franchise returns to familiar form and goes 6-7.
Pontoon Boats
Owner/GM: Evan "Hong Kong Drago" Schmidt
Last Season: 5-8, beat Handjobs in second round of Toilet Bowl playoffs
Keepers: Frank Gore (1); Terrell Owens (2); Marques Colston (3)
Matlin: i forgot to tell you about a great conversation drago and i had. it was just about how fondly we remembered the first Ninja turtle moviehe loved casey jones, but he didn't think april was hot and i strongly disagreed
Bigtime: she was not hot in that movie. They blew that part of it. pretzel goes to drago.
Matlin: he thought april in the sequel: revenge of the ooze was better
Matlin: he thought april in the sequel: revenge of the ooze was better
Bigtime: i dont remember them well enough to compare
Matlin: he also liked the ninja delivery boy
Evan Schmidt ladies and gentlemen!!! Exchanges like this exemplify the Pontoon Boats wacky and distracting offseason, which is just as well as Hong Kong Drago would as soon forget the 2008 LRFL season ever occurred. The Boats finished with a 1-5 inter-division record, including two notable losses to division whipping-boy Ludicrous Speed by a combined 7.25 points. The Boats' front office moves were just as terrible as the team's actual performance. 2008 was no different from earlier seasons in which Drago established himself as the most easily-duped GM of the league, often receiving the short end of the stick on largely unbalanced trades. As Commissioner Matlin rightly has pointed out, "Drago is the Al Davis of the LRFL." Towards the end of the season, Drago sent Kevin Smith and Steve Smith (two guys with great keeper upside) to Lunch Money for Tony Romo, Vincent Jackson, and Chester Taylor. It goes without saying that Drago's "blockbuster" did nothing to save his season. We actually wish the trading was the worst offense Drago committed on the league in 2008, but as most know, his waiver-wire moves alone were grounds for possible expulsion. On September 10, 2008, known hereafter as D-Bag Day, Drago picked-up and dropped 17 different players from the waiver wire. This, of course, culminated in a new rule for the 2009 season requiring franchises to pay a 50 cent tax for each player claimed off of waivers. According to NASA scientists, had the rule applied retroactively, the Boats would currently owe the league a sum roughly the size of the GDP of Uruguay.
The tax will surely make Drago's team-building efforts more difficult as he won't be able to replace his entire draft-day roster by mid-season (as he has done in past years) without incurring serious financial woes. Despite the warning signs, Drago hasn't gotten off to a good start with his managerial strategy. To begin with, his keeper choices are more than suspect. While we won't quibble with Frank Gore and Marques Colston, Terrell Owners and his bum toe no longer warrant a second round draft pick and the Boats won't have an actual draft pick until round four. When you add in the fact that the Boats' seventh round draft pick belongs to El Che, it would appear that Hong Kong Drago will have a difficult time building a solid squad through the draft. Drago would have been better off keeping Vincent Jackson, who would have provided much better value at the cost of only a ninth round pick. Even withou thte roster issues, the Boats' 2009 season seems to be an uphill battle. Drago has already disgraced himself this offseason on the league email listserve more than Michigan has disgraced itself during the Rich Rodriguez era. There is also a rumor that only suckling pig (Drago's kryptonite) will be served at this year's AAB and, moreover, that there will be a denim-jacket free dress code. On top of all that, one owner has pointed out that Drago will surely face some distractions while he is prepping himself to audition for the Billy Zabka role in the off-broadway production of the new Karate Kid musical (Andrew Lloyd Webber is doing the score). All of this points to another miserable season for the Boats, which, in turn, points to another wonderful season for the rest of the league. Domo arigato Mr. Drago-boto.
Biggest Plus Factors: Blood pressure down; waiver tax will prevent Drago from incurring negative fantasy karma; celebrity jean blogger Sethadiah Pruss claims to be a new Drago fan.
Biggest Minus Factors: Lack of draft picks; glut of Terrell Owens; bad fantasy karma leftover from making Kintzel promise he wouldn't trade Hartman his seventh round draft pick.
Suggested Team Names: Suckling (War) Pigs; Drago's Denim Dungeon; My Girl Wants to Karate All the Time (only true Eddie Murphy fans will get this)
Prediction: 1-12, with lone win coming against the Commish in the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl
Hartman in Bird Form (formerly Ludicrous Speed)
Owner/GM: Mike "Mad Elf" Hartman
Last Season: 4-9, beat the Gs in the first round of the Toilet Bowl Playoffs
Keepers: LaDainian Tomlinson (1); Tom Brady (2); Michael Turner (3)
Bigtime: the worst is this steakhouse by me that just opened, Del Friscos. It has this huge like giant snifter full of jelly beans so you can take them on the way out
Matlin: gross
Evan Schmidt ladies and gentlemen!!! Exchanges like this exemplify the Pontoon Boats wacky and distracting offseason, which is just as well as Hong Kong Drago would as soon forget the 2008 LRFL season ever occurred. The Boats finished with a 1-5 inter-division record, including two notable losses to division whipping-boy Ludicrous Speed by a combined 7.25 points. The Boats' front office moves were just as terrible as the team's actual performance. 2008 was no different from earlier seasons in which Drago established himself as the most easily-duped GM of the league, often receiving the short end of the stick on largely unbalanced trades. As Commissioner Matlin rightly has pointed out, "Drago is the Al Davis of the LRFL." Towards the end of the season, Drago sent Kevin Smith and Steve Smith (two guys with great keeper upside) to Lunch Money for Tony Romo, Vincent Jackson, and Chester Taylor. It goes without saying that Drago's "blockbuster" did nothing to save his season. We actually wish the trading was the worst offense Drago committed on the league in 2008, but as most know, his waiver-wire moves alone were grounds for possible expulsion. On September 10, 2008, known hereafter as D-Bag Day, Drago picked-up and dropped 17 different players from the waiver wire. This, of course, culminated in a new rule for the 2009 season requiring franchises to pay a 50 cent tax for each player claimed off of waivers. According to NASA scientists, had the rule applied retroactively, the Boats would currently owe the league a sum roughly the size of the GDP of Uruguay.
The tax will surely make Drago's team-building efforts more difficult as he won't be able to replace his entire draft-day roster by mid-season (as he has done in past years) without incurring serious financial woes. Despite the warning signs, Drago hasn't gotten off to a good start with his managerial strategy. To begin with, his keeper choices are more than suspect. While we won't quibble with Frank Gore and Marques Colston, Terrell Owners and his bum toe no longer warrant a second round draft pick and the Boats won't have an actual draft pick until round four. When you add in the fact that the Boats' seventh round draft pick belongs to El Che, it would appear that Hong Kong Drago will have a difficult time building a solid squad through the draft. Drago would have been better off keeping Vincent Jackson, who would have provided much better value at the cost of only a ninth round pick. Even withou thte roster issues, the Boats' 2009 season seems to be an uphill battle. Drago has already disgraced himself this offseason on the league email listserve more than Michigan has disgraced itself during the Rich Rodriguez era. There is also a rumor that only suckling pig (Drago's kryptonite) will be served at this year's AAB and, moreover, that there will be a denim-jacket free dress code. On top of all that, one owner has pointed out that Drago will surely face some distractions while he is prepping himself to audition for the Billy Zabka role in the off-broadway production of the new Karate Kid musical (Andrew Lloyd Webber is doing the score). All of this points to another miserable season for the Boats, which, in turn, points to another wonderful season for the rest of the league. Domo arigato Mr. Drago-boto.
Biggest Plus Factors: Blood pressure down; waiver tax will prevent Drago from incurring negative fantasy karma; celebrity jean blogger Sethadiah Pruss claims to be a new Drago fan.
Biggest Minus Factors: Lack of draft picks; glut of Terrell Owens; bad fantasy karma leftover from making Kintzel promise he wouldn't trade Hartman his seventh round draft pick.
Suggested Team Names: Suckling (War) Pigs; Drago's Denim Dungeon; My Girl Wants to Karate All the Time (only true Eddie Murphy fans will get this)
Prediction: 1-12, with lone win coming against the Commish in the Foggy Bottom Market Bowl
Hartman in Bird Form (formerly Ludicrous Speed)
Owner/GM: Mike "Mad Elf" Hartman
Last Season: 4-9, beat the Gs in the first round of the Toilet Bowl Playoffs
Keepers: LaDainian Tomlinson (1); Tom Brady (2); Michael Turner (3)
Bigtime: the worst is this steakhouse by me that just opened, Del Friscos. It has this huge like giant snifter full of jelly beans so you can take them on the way out
Matlin: gross
Bigtime: the thing is - everyone reaches in with their hands
Matlin: right
Bigtime: there is a scoop but no one uses it. we were standing there waiting for our table
Matlin: you need to have them individually wrapped
Matlin: you need to have them individually wrapped
Bigtime: we saw 10 different people just shove their hands in there. sometimes they went for seconds right after they shoved their fat sticky fingers in their mouths
Matlin: that is how people get herpes
Herpes. That one word pretty much sums up the 2008 season for Mike Hartman's Philadelphia-based franchise. It was a sad early-September Sunday at the LRFL headquarters in New Haven, CT, when Hartman and Commissioner Matlin watched (one with horror and one with mild glee) as Bernard Pollard destroyed Tom Brady's knee, effectively throwing Ludicrous Speed's season to the wolves. Despite being one of the pre-season favorites, Ludicrous Speed could never come back from the loss of its mighty super-model banging signal caller and started the season off 2-7. By that point, Hartman could see the writing on the wall and began to position his team for a run in 2009, trading away Philip Rivers and Kurt Warner for 7th round draft picks. Unfortunately, Hartman was reportedly so distraught at his team's performance that he semi-abandoned his duties with the league press office, deeply concerning most owners and elating Hong Kong Drago, who was spared the diminutive writer's nasty barbs over the second half of the regular season. Though Speed escaped a deep run in the Toilet Bowl playoffs, Hartman's torment over his team's performance resulted in a summer full of heavy drinking and a lack of pants-wearing. "I've only seen him like this once," said the Commish. "It was the 2002 Kappa Sigma basement Tecmo Super Bowl and after he lost, the only sound we heard coming from his room was the sound of the smack cooking."
In the weeks leading up to the season, Hartman has supposedly cleaned up his act. He's got a new team name (Hartman in Bird Form) and a new pair of japan pants, and he appears ready to go. HIBF will enter the draft with three top twenty players already on the depth chart in Tomlinson, Turner, and Brady, and while Hartman wont pick before the 4th round, he is sitting pretty with three seventh round picks and should be able to put together a solid starting lineup. Hartman's squad also only lost two games last year to non-playoff teams, so it's not as if the team was truly the bottom-feeder that its record suggets. Still, Hartman's achilles heel has always been his inability to secure a winning group of wide receivers. With his first three picks used on a quarterback and running backs, Hartman won't be able to add a pass-catcher until the 4th round at the earliest--not a good sign in a draft where top wide receivers are few in number. If Hartman can deftly execute his draft strategy, however, this could be a team to reckon with. If not, Hartman has already volunteered to man the grill at the AAB and to take up the Rockband lead vocal duties. Either way, everyone's a winner, especially if japan pants are involved.
Biggest Plus Factors: QB-friendly scoring system; 15 pretzels for $5 at Philadelphia Pretzel Factory; controls the press.
Biggest Minus Factors: Injury bug; Lack of wide receivers in draft; roller coaster rides requiring you to be "this tall".
Prediction: 9-4 (it's good to control the media), take the division on overall points in a minor upset.
That's it folks. If you aren't excited for the start of the season than either you don't have a pulse or you need some of Brett Baker's pill bonanza extravaganza. See you at the 2009 draft!!!
In the weeks leading up to the season, Hartman has supposedly cleaned up his act. He's got a new team name (Hartman in Bird Form) and a new pair of japan pants, and he appears ready to go. HIBF will enter the draft with three top twenty players already on the depth chart in Tomlinson, Turner, and Brady, and while Hartman wont pick before the 4th round, he is sitting pretty with three seventh round picks and should be able to put together a solid starting lineup. Hartman's squad also only lost two games last year to non-playoff teams, so it's not as if the team was truly the bottom-feeder that its record suggets. Still, Hartman's achilles heel has always been his inability to secure a winning group of wide receivers. With his first three picks used on a quarterback and running backs, Hartman won't be able to add a pass-catcher until the 4th round at the earliest--not a good sign in a draft where top wide receivers are few in number. If Hartman can deftly execute his draft strategy, however, this could be a team to reckon with. If not, Hartman has already volunteered to man the grill at the AAB and to take up the Rockband lead vocal duties. Either way, everyone's a winner, especially if japan pants are involved.
Biggest Plus Factors: QB-friendly scoring system; 15 pretzels for $5 at Philadelphia Pretzel Factory; controls the press.
Biggest Minus Factors: Injury bug; Lack of wide receivers in draft; roller coaster rides requiring you to be "this tall".
Prediction: 9-4 (it's good to control the media), take the division on overall points in a minor upset.
That's it folks. If you aren't excited for the start of the season than either you don't have a pulse or you need some of Brett Baker's pill bonanza extravaganza. See you at the 2009 draft!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment