WEEK THREE RECAP

Week Three Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

First things first, the hot news this week were the trades between Evan “Drago” Schmitt’s Pontoon Boats and Seth Pruss’s Danger (not really a) Monkey. Let’s try to sort this thing out. There were two trades that came a day apart and included one player being traded back and forth. So the trade, in full, amounted to this:

Pontoon Boats get: Cedric Benson, Jerricho Cotchery, and Jaguars D
Danger Monkey gets: Donald Driver, Vernand Morency, Mike Furrey, Patriots D

We can analyze this trade pretty easily. The Monkeys pick up a no. 1 receiver with a quarterback who is playing lights out this season, a running back with unknown potential when he comes back from injury, and the third-best team defense (which has already scored two defensive TDs this season). The Monkeys also picked up Mike Furrey, a serviceable no. 3/4 receiver. The Boats get Benson (39th among running backs with the strong possibility to get hurt or lose his job this season), Cotchery (a decent no. 2/3 receiver), and the Jaguars defense (currently ranked ninth).

Furrey has only caught 3 less balls then Cotchery and hasn’t found the endzone yet, but that trend is unlikely to continue in the Lions offense, especially with Calvin Johnson nursing a back injury. So the Cotchery/Furrey exchange is almost a wash. Thus, Drago has basically traded a #1 receiver, a top-3 defense, and an injured backup running back to get a worse defense and a crappy running back who may not finish the season as a starter. Oh, I should also mention that Danger Monkey and the Boats are in the same division, with the Monkey currently undefeated and in first place. Good thinking Drago!

ANYWAY, on to the games (winner in caps).

The Straw Hat Brigade (156.75) @ DANGER MONKEY (171.25)

Before he sold snake-oil to the Pontoon Boats this week, Monkey manager Seth Pruss took his team to a perfect 3-0 start by cruising to a 15 point victory against the Brigade. Danger Monkey now sits atop the Oatmeal Stout Division as well as the power rankings. The question that Brigade manager Jon Ades must be asking himself: what in the hell is wrong with Drew Brees? The second-round pick (21st overall) has performed horribly thus far. Is it the sophomore slump? Is it that weird mole on his face? Who knows…all we can say is that he is leading the Brigade right into the shitter. For the Brigade, the positive is that two of his gambles, Lamont Jordan and Randy Moss, have come through, continuing to pile up the yards and touchdowns. On the Monkey’s side, manager Pruss will have to start Marion Barber until Brandon Jacobs comes back. At least he unloaded that cancer known as Cedric Benson to the Boats.

The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes (164.5) @ PONTOON BOATS (168.25)

What in the hell is going on with the Sundaes receivers? Starters Bernard Berrian, Marques Colston, and Javon Walker have scored one touchdown between them and unfortunately for manager Mike Hartman, that touchdown did not come this week. If one of the three receivers would have scored the elusive touchdown or even caught another couple of ten yard passes, the Sundaes would have achieved a narrow and much-needed victory. Instead, Boats manager Evan “Mr. Overrated” Schmitt was able to exact sweet revenge against his tormentor. The Boats went to 2-1 on the back of Donovan McNabb who had to try harder against the Lions because he is black. Although the Boats are currently second in the power rankings, we predict the run ends here. He just lost Deuce for the season and Steven Jackson for at least a few games and traded away his second best receiver. This week at running back he’ll be starting underachieving Ced Benson and Kevin Jones against the Bears’ D. Good luck asshole. The Sundaes meanwhile drop to 0-3 and look to right the ship this Sunday against league whipping-boy Robert Frederickson and his Soul-Ja Boi Records.

EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (145.25) @ Your Mom’s Balls (93.75)

Oy! The Guerrillas made it rain all over the Balls this week, as manager Jeremy Gilman’s team continues to look absolutely horrible. Your Mom’s Balls became the first team to fail to break the 100 point mark. What’s the problem? How about an underperforming Peyton, and the worst collection of running backs and wide receivers in the league? Predictably, the Balls sit on the bottom of the power rankings and join the Sundaes as the only other 0-3 team. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like the Balls will rise up, as there isn’t a single bright spot on that roster. For the Guerrillas, they picked up an easy win this week, but things aren’t looking so good for the coming weeks. After Matt Leinart’s benching last week, the Guerrillas QB situation is in turmoil, and team manager Eriq Keentsull will be forced to start sissy-boy Chad Pennington against the Brigade. The receiver corps is also looking a little weak and the extent of Calvin Johnson’s injury will be of dire consequence. Perhaps Keentsull should spend less time on writing rambling league manifestos and more time on roster management. Nevertheless, the Guerrillas are 3-0 and on top of the Nut Brown Division.

Kimbo Slice (189.75) @ THE RAPE STAND (213.75)

This one was a shootout. Paul Kennedy and the Rape Stand moved to 2-1 with a big victory over Kimbo Slice. Even though Kennedy is under investigation for his abuse of the La Resistance News Agency, he rallied his troops to a solid showing. Ronnie Brown and Brian Westbrook were the two highest scoring non-quarterback players this week, which helped quite a bit considering that the Stand’s receivers and tight end were a bunch of no-shows. Kimbo Slice manager Evan Herring must go back to the drawing board for next week as he couldn’t get the victory even with the ingenious move to start Kevin Curtis over James Jones and Vincent Jackson. Unfortunately, Lee Evans added to his already strong case for fantasy bust of the year. Kimbo Slice faces another tough opponent this week as the team squares up against the ready-to-burst Sweet Tangy Limes.

SWEET TANGY LIMES (162.75) @ Gangstalicious Resurection (145)

Speaking of the Limes, they moved to the top of the Amber Division this week with a 17 point win over the Gs. Manager Rickles Gittles still can’t seem to get his QB situation figured out (or his Madden online connection for that matter). But it mattered not in week three, as Adrian Peterson continued to impress and T.J. Houshmandzadeh put up 141 yards and a score. The Limes looks solid for now, but after a week with Shareef Zawadaheehoo in D.C., Gittles might not be able to think straight when setting his lineup. The Gs put up a fight, but ultimately couldn’t come out with a victory due to another less-than-stellar LJ performance and the Edge’s first bad game of the season. I also just noticed that Resurrection is spelled wrong in the Gs team name and this may have something to with the early-season losses. League intern Paul Kennedy will get to the bottom of it to be sure.

Soul-Ja Boi Records (128) @ YOSSARIAN LIVES (194.25)

Commissioner Matlin layeth the smacketh down on the crap-fest that is Soul-Ja Boi Records. Records manager Roberto Frederickson can’t be proud of his wide receiver corps, although Chris Chambers continues to be a viable candidate for fantasy come-back player of the year. The Records just seem to be one of those teams that gets bit by the injury bug. Rudi Johnson and Ahman Green were both hurt this past week, and the Records started off the year with Brandon Jacobs on their roster (who they recently traded to Danger Monkey). Amazingly, the Records have scored the second-fewest points in the league even with Caron Palmer’s crazy start to the season. Yossarian Lives continues to shock the world early in the season and is tied for the best record in the Amber Division. Laurence Maroney is still struggling to find the endzone, but Anquan Boldin is starting to come on and may produce even more if Kurt Warner continues to see time for the Cardinals. Commish Matlin should have an easy victory this week against the stinky Balls.

NEWS & NOTES

Since we’ve already covered Drago’s trade and Kennedy’s blog abuse, there are no other news and notes. Dr. Bigtime had to do what Dr. Bigtime had to do this week.

Trojans Stick Together

Yossarian Lives manager, and commisioner for life, Nathan Matlin regrets that he wasn't invited to participate in this picture. Fight On!

Bigtime's Quick Hits

A few items of interest to carry us through the midweek doldrums:

1) YMB is currently a 117 point underdog to the Commish's Yossarian Lives...no comment here; just thought it deserves mentioning.

2) Just when I thought we'd run out of Coach Drago material, he makes one of the more poorly thought-out trades I've seen in fantasy football. The Pontoon Boats have traded a low-end #1 WR (Driver), a passable #4 WR (Furrey), and a running back who may put up numbers after getting back from injury (Morency), for a crappy high-end #3 running back* (Benson, 29th in scoring among RBs) and a #3/#4 WR (McDonald). True, Drago did need to make a desperation trade as he lost Steven Jackson for a few weeks...but I am guessing he made no consideration of the fact that he made this trade with division rival Danger Monkey who he will most likely need to pass in the standings to make the playoffs.

3) Rape Stand manager Paul Kennedy sure is spending a lot of time writing lengthy, meandering, self-congratulating posts on this blog. Rumor is circulating that his next post will simply be a picture of him blowing himself. He's just working on the right angle and lighting for the shot.

That is all for now. Over and out, Dr. Bigtime.

* This post was edited after Mr. Pruss noted a glaring error in reporting.

Tuesday Press Conference: The Rape Stand

Thanks for coming folks, Coach Kennichick will make his opening statement, and then take questions from you all...
Obviously it was a good win for our ballclub this week, Kimbo Slice put up a hell of an effort and some people would say we were lucky to escape with a win this week. I'm not one of those people. When you play as well as we did, it doesn't matter one bit what your opponent does. We've got some guys that were banged up in the win this week, but nobody suffered any injuries that should keep them out of action going forward. Good effort on both sides of the ball, and even on special teams. I can't pronounce the kicker's name, but as long as he keeps splitting the uprights, I'll just call him Money.

To what do you attribute your strong performance this week?
Well, first and foremost was Ronnie Brown removing his head from his ass and deciding to play like a first round draft pick. Sure it was the Jets, and sure Coach Mangini will accuse us of videotaping his wife in the shower...all lies by the way....as far as you know....but Ronnie came to play and made a statement. It's been a tough year for the Auburn program, and a tough year for all the Auburn running backs in the NFL like Brandon Jacobs, Cadillac, and Rudi Johnson, so it was good to see Ronnie separate himself. We knew it would be a difficult week with Andre on the bench with an injury, although we didn't know it would be made even tougher by Kurt Warner's complete inability to look in Larry's direction. Fuck Kurt Warner. I can't stress that enough. Fuck Kurt Warner.

Coach K, you took some heat for picking up Bobby Engram this week, and he caught a touchdown pass in the first two minutes of his game, how'd that make you feel?
Do you like apples Hartman? How do you like 'dem apples?

Coach, with the war in Iraq still raging, how important for America was this win by your team?
If the Rape Stand loses, the terrorists win, its really that simple. I'm not saying that this is America's Team....you guys are the ones saying that....but a vote against the Stand is a vote for Al Qaeda. George Bush may not care about black people, but Tony Romo does.


Coach, if your team was a beverage, what beverage would it be?
Dr. Pepper. This team unleashes 23 different kinds of pain on its opponents. Except for Kintzel, because he's a pacifist.

Are you saying last week's loss was out of your control?
No, I'm not making excuses about that loss, but I do believe that El Che was using some sort of illegal shamanism on the sideline last week, and I've asked Commissioner Matlin to look into that. Guys, please, we're looking ahead to the Pontoon Boats, not looking back. We're 2-1 in the division, and feel like we're in a good position moving forward.

Did you give the team any time to enjoy this win?
The 24-hour rule was in effect, and I'm sure the guys enjoyed the chance to bask in the glorious spotlight of victory. I think the fans did as well. In fact, here's some footage of the victory party at Middlebury College.

Find more videos at Heavy.com

Coach, The Rape Stand versus a hurricane, who ya got?
Is the hurricane's name Hurricane Rape Stand? No? Then I'll take the Stand. This team is really starting to come together, and since the only thing standing in the way of a 3-1 start is something called the Pontoon Boats, I don't see things changing in the near future. Seriously, Pontoon Boats? You know what would sink a whole fleet of Pontoon Boats? Hurricane Rape Stand.

What are some of the keys for this team's success going forward?
Well, the biggest keys might just be Clinton Portis and Marion Barber. We're not hoping for injuries to those two, but we think Ladell and Julius can do the job if they get the chance. I mean, should anything happen to Clinton and Marion, that would be terrible.....just awful....just....hmmmm....

Coach, any thoughts overall on the League thus far?
There are some quality teams in this league, and then there are some struggling teams...and then there are Your Mom's Balls. On draft day, their fans in attendance would have booed almost every pick if they weren't so damn confused. Even Matt Millen was disgusted. Overall, I really think that on any given week about half the teams will win, and half will lose, I really believe that.

Comedy/Tragedy Lineup

Because second-guessing is at least 62% more accurate than first-guessing.

Comedy players sat on their respective benches, while the tragedies hurt more than they helped in the starting lineup.

COMIC
Brett Favre...........QB.............Yossarian Lives..............58.5 pts
Marion Barber......RB.............Danger Monkey.............29.25 pts
DeShaun Foster....RB.............Sweet Tangy Limes........30.5 pts
Dwayne Bowe.......WR............Danger Monkey..............15.5 pts
Vincent Jackson....WR...........Kimbo Slice.....................18.0 pts
Greg Jennings.......WR...........Yossarian Lives...............19.0 pts

TRAGIC
Drew Brees............QB............Straw Hat Brigade..........14.5 pts
Rudi Johnson.........RB...........Soul-Ja Boi Records.......7.75 pts
M. Jones-Drew......RB............Your Mom's Balls...........6.75 pts
Lee Evans..............WR...........Kimbo Slice.....................0.5 pts
Steve Smith...........WR...........Pontoon Boats.................1.75 pts
Hines Ward...........WR...........Your Mom's Balls...........0.75 pts

Villanova's Finest

I dedicate this video to Kimbo Slice, who had to watch Employee #36 tap-dance all over his dreams this weekend. Tough luck, friend. Next victim: Pontoon Boats.

Coach Kennichick's press conference is scheduled for this afternoon in the 200 Club.

WEEK TWO RECAP

It’s been an interesting start to the fantasy football season. The predicted fantasy studs (Ladanian Tomlinson, Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson, etc.) have failed to come through over the first two games. Who are the top scoring running backs in the LRFL? Lamont Jordan (drafted in the eighth Round by the Brigade), Edgerrin James (drafted late in the second round by the Resurrection), and Jamal Lewis (drafted in the sixth round also by the Resurrection). Tomlinson, the first overall pick, has put up only the fortieth best point total after week 2. Team managers are curious to see how this plays out, but, of course, it’s still very early in the season and only two teams made it through the first two weeks without losing. With the short rosters, the waiver wire has been extremely active and it is only a matter of time before a team scores a diamond in the rough. It probably won’t be the Pontoon Boats though though. ANYWAY, on to the games! (winners in caps)

Your Mom’s Balls (109.25) @ KIMBO SLICE (157.75)

Kimbo Slice scored its first victory of the season over the sagging Balls. YMB once again nearly failed to top the 100-point mark as MJD continues to be a non-factor in the Jaguars offense and Patrick Crayton put up the big fat goose-egg this week. Kimbo Slice got a huge day from Chad Johnson and probably deserved extra points for Johnson’s leap into the Dawg Pound where the classy Cleveland fans poured beer all over him (ed.’s note: Commish Matlin, can we get a scoring category going for touchdown celebrations?). Reggie Bush and Slice’s receivers still aren’t getting the job down, so it remains to be seen if the team can get on a streak. Even if he had his best lineup in the game, Balls’ manager Jeremy Gilman would still have only mustered roughly 140 points. Said Gilman after the game, “I just don’t know what to do with these Balls. Hopefully I can light a fire under them.”

The Rape Stand (139.5) @ EL CHE AND LOST GUERRILLEROS (159.25)

The Rape Stand suffered its first defeat at the hands of Eriq Keentsull and the Guerillas. The Guerillas saw nice performances by Calvin Johnson, Willie Parker, TO, and Antonio Gates, who all scored touchdowns on the road to victory. Despite imbibing fermented beverages with Sundaes manager Mike Hartman well into the early hours of Saturday morning, Keentsull managed to put a solid lineup together. Although Rape Stand manager Paul Kennedy got help from Brian Westbrook, Andre Johnson, and the Cowboys D, Ronnie Brown continued his campaign for “Bust of the Year,” putting up a measly 9.75 points. Of note, prior to week 2, Kennedy had no WRs on his bench and was forced to start Arnaz Battle. He tried to make some magic on the waiver wire this week picking up Bobby Engram and Dennis Northcutt …weak!

YOSSARIAN LIVES (155.5) @ Sweet Tangy Limes (142)

The Limes go down! The Limes go down! In the upset special of the week, the Sweet Tangy Limes fell victim to the Commish and the scrappy Yossarian Lives. Devin Hester and Brett Favre were the difference as Limes manager Rickles Gittles now begins to worry about his strength at quarterback and the mediocrity of Reggie Brown thus far. Despite the victory, Yossarian Lives still has scored the second lowest amount of total points and is at the bottom of the Power Rankings among one-win teams. Meanwhile, the Limes have scored the third highest amount of total points and still haven’t unleashed the fury of Chocolate Elvis. Believe me, it’s coming.

Gangstalicious Resurrection (146) @ SOUL-JA BOI RECORDS (197.5)

Where did Soul-Ja Boi Records come from? After putting up the lowest point total in week 1, Robbie “the Espresso Aficionado” Fredrickson (of McDonald's management fame) stomped the Resurrection into the ground and in the process, put up the highest point total of the week. How did this happen you ask? Carson Palmer threw six touchdowns and Rudi Johnson put up over 150 yards of offense and was on the receiving end of one of Palmer’s touchdown passes. For the Resurrection, Phillip Rivers still can’t get it going and Reggie Wayne put up modest stats in the loss. The Resurrection left a lot of points on the bench in the form of Jamal Lewis, but no one can blame team manager Emilio Pabon for being unable to predict Lewis’s gigantic game. The question in the future will be which version of Soul-Ja Boi will show up to play in the coming weeks. “My opponents better watch out,” Frederickson said, “my team is more delicious than Frank’s baked brie.” The rest of the league is still trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about.

PONTOON BOATS (191.75) @ The Straw Hat Brigade (191.5)

Wow…what a nail-biter! Evan “Drago” Schmitt had a particularly rough week, so the .25 point victory by the Pontoon Boats was especially needed. The difference? How about a three touchdown, 150 yard performance from Steve Smith and a two touchdown, 135 yard performance from Joey Galloway? The Pontoon Boats look solid at WR, but abysmal at RB where #2 overall pick Steven Jackson failed to impress and Deuce continues to see his carries limited. More striking, the Boats have no healthy RBs on their bench. Meanwhile, the Straw Hat Brigade’s loss equaled that of a strong punch to the gut. Had the Panthers D done anything against the Texans, Jon Ades would have cruised his yacht to victory. The Brigade looks strong, but can Lamont Jordan keep it up? What will happen later in the season when Super Smash Bros. Brawl comes out for the Wii? Oh man, I can hardly wait to find out.

DANGER MONKEY (172.5) @ The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes (123.75)

The Sundaes are melting early this season. LT was swallowed up by the Patriots and the Bengals D, who looked like a strong free agent pickup, got face-f*cked by the Clevand Browns, of all teams. Danger Monkey, on the other hand, went to 2-0 and sits atop the Power Poll after week 2. Frank Gore had a nice game and John Kitna received help from the big man upstairs to come back into the game and lead the Lions (and Danger Monkey) to victory. Manager Seth Pruss, who claimed not to know what he is doing prior to the draft, looks like one crafty a-hole and sits atop the Oatmeal Stout Division. The only chink in Pruss’s armor? His weak your-mom joke in a Wednesday email…even if he was being sarcastic, he should be ashamed that he even knows that joke.

NEWS & NOTES

Danger Monkey has looked like an early contender for the La Resistance league championship, but an investigation of the team has turned up some interesting information. The Danger Monkey logo features a chimpanzee wearing a T-Shirt and holding a gun (it’s really quite hilarious). A chimp, however, is not technically a monkey; rather, it is an ape. Thus, Pruss’s logo does not actually feature a dangerous monkey. Will this affect Danger Monkey’s performance as we get later into the season? Should he have to forfeit his week 2 victory for fraudulent misrepresentation? It should be noted, for clarification purposes, that a lemur (an animal looking suspiciously like Rickles Gittles) is also not technically a monkey.

Sundaes manager Mike Hartman had his first Nintendo Wii related incident this past week. Going to make a big hit in Madden ’08—which requires one to punch forward with the Wiimote—Hartman punched directly into a half full coffee cup, knocking the inky beverage all over his carpet. Hartman is thankful that he still hasn’t thrown the Wiimote into the TV screen, but he’s only had Madden for a few weeks. (Do you have a Wii? Send your Wii ID to me and we can get an sweet LRFL Mii parade going on. Also, if you have a similar Wii related incident, we are currently collecting stories)

A rumor is circulating that League Commissioner Nathan “King of the Basement” Matlin left the Katuba, a prized Jewish symbol of his marriage to Samantha, at the Gittles household. According to the field reporter, Mr. Eric is thinking about crossing out Nate’s name and writing in his own, and thus, taking Sam as his bride (for the money, of course). The burning question: how long would it have taken the Commish to realize his error had he not read this report?

In other Matlin news, he and other league managers have antagonized Pontoon Boats manager Evan “Rash Guard” Schmitt to the point that Shmitt has threatened to stay offline for the rest of the season. We’re not sure if this can be characterized as a threat or a wonderful promise, but the league may have to search for a new whipping boy. Schmitt has called out to other managers to respond to Matlin and Sundaes’ manager Mike Hartman, but so far the other managers have only continued to pile on Schmitt.

Finally, Jon Ades celebrated his 26th birthday this past week-ish. A hearty happy birthday to Jonny HIV, captain of industry.

WEEK ONE RECAP

Philadelphia, PA – 2007 marks the debut for the La Resistance Football League, a wily collection of redheads, yacht owners, fruititarian hippies, and league managers resembling Lurch, My Little Buddy, and a gnome. League Commissioner, Nate “Mr. Marbles’ Matlin, started the league after defecting from the Royal Football League, a rival league run by a mythical creature named Sexy Joe that looks like a Mexican/Arab child molester and has a pension for buying used Japanese school-girl panties from vending machines.

ANYWAY, here is a recap of the Week 1 Madness:

Game #1: El Che y Los Guerrilleros @ Kimbo Slice

El Che and the Guerillas (you are in America you damn hippy) took it to Kimbo Slice, who managed to be a formidable opponent despite Reggie Bush and Marc Bulgur shitting their proverbial beds. Even though El Che manager Eriq Keentsull proved to be a Benedict Arnold by drafting Eagle-tormenter Terrell Owens in the third round, he still assembled a solid squad fronted by the two-headed monster of Willie Parker and Travis Henry. He did make the curious decision to bench Calvin Johnson in favor of Devery Henderson, but this can be chalked up to a rookie mistake and his prolonged stay in Cameroon, where fantasy football is an edible soccer ball that tastes like roasted antelope. Kimbo Slice looks to rebound this week against Your Mom’s Balls (the team; not your actual mom’s balls).

Game #2: Pontoon Boats @ Danger Monkey

Evan Schmitt (aka Drago), team manager of Pontoon Boats had several things going against him entering week 1. First, the love of his life, the Michigan Wolverines, had what can only be described as the worst first two games of a season in NCAA football history. Second, he picked the name Pontoon Boats, which is arguably the worst team name in the history of fantasy football (more on this later). Third, he selected the first kicker in the draft (Adam Vinatieri) in the 9th round, perhaps the worst pick in the entire draft. Fourth, and finally, he looks like Lurch from the Adams Family. Drago probably should have just stuck his head in the oven before the season started, but kudos to him for giving it the ‘ole college try. Nevertheless, Danger Monkey sunk the Pontoon Boats on the back of Plax Buress’s likely season-high performance. Although Ced Benson did his best Jamal Lewis impression last Sunday, Danger Monkey had a solid performance and team manager Seth Pruss should be proud after putting up the second-highest point total in week 1.

Game #3: The Rape Stand @ Your Mom’s Balls

Dubbed the “Offensive Team Name Battle Royale,” this one proved to be a snoozer. Paul “Most Out of Place Alabama Resident Ever Except For the Fact That He Isn’t Jewish” Kennedy cruised to an easy victory. Tony Romo’s 5-TD performance and Andre Johnson’s huge day were nearly enough for the win. Your Mom’s Balls struggled to break the 100-point mark, and most analysts blame team manager Jeremy Gilman’s unorthodox drafting strategy which included overspending on WRS (4th rounder on Hines Ward, a 5th rounder on Darrell Jackson, 7th rounder on Donte’ Stallworth) and the 11th round selection of Nate Kaeding. Some have ventured that Kennedy’s selection of “The Rape Stand” as team name completely discombobulated Gilman and it remains to be seen if he can rebound from his early-season drubbing.

Game #4: The Straw Hat Brigade @ The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes

The closest game of the week found billionaire mogul Jon Ades spearheading the Straw Hat Brigade to a 16 point victory over Mike “Don’t Call Me Angry” Hartman’s Sundaes. Tom Brady’s heroics weren’t enough to take the Sundaes to victory as Jack Del Rio decided Fred Taylor’s groin would explode if he carried the ball more than 6 times and the Sundaes’ receivers decided that scoring touchdowns really isn’t that much fun. The Brigade was led by a strong performance by Randy Moss, which should probably be nullified by Commissioner Matlin because the Patriots are a bunch of cheaters (except for Tom Brady). Lamont Jordan also surprisingly pitched in with a solid game, but will Ades’ lack of depth at the running back position be a challenge in the future? And who will manage the Brigade if Ades accidentally crashes his helicopter into a mountain for the 5th time? We shall see.

Game #5: Sweet Tangy Limes @ Soul-Ja Boi Records

Robert Ulysses Fredrickson IV’s Soul-Ja Boi Records had the dubious honor of putting up the lowest point total in week 1. Perhaps his awful team name returned in karmic form when Brandon Jacobs went down with a knee injury early in the Giants-Cowboys game. Whatever the case, the Sweet Tangy Limes look to be an early powerhouse, dominating with the highest point total of the week. Although team manager Rickles Gittles nearly vomited after selecting Adrian Peterson in the third round, Peterson looked good, putting together 163 total yards and a touchdown. Gittles has a history of choking in big games, so it will be interesting to see if he can keep it together through the end of the season. He does have one thing in his favor: those damn, sweet, sweet, super tangy limes.

Game #6: Yossarian Lives @ Gangstalicious Resurrection

The “Chop House Throwdown” culminated in a lopsided victory for the Gs and team manager Emilio Pabon. Commissioner Matlin, GM of Yossarian Lives, was on the short end of the stick, continuing a streak of disappointing week 1 performances. Interestingly, Matlin was forced to draft at Kinko’s this season. Thus, he was unable to participate in his usual pre- and during-draft “activities” although his 5th round pick of Matt Hasselbeck was certainly curious. Yossarian Lives could not take advantage of the goose egg laid by the Gs’ Deion Branch, as Mark Clayton through up a goose egg of its own. The Commish faces the Limes next week, and he could be in a hole early in the season. Could it be the Curse of Sexy Joe? We shall soon find out.

NEWS & NOTES

The first year of the La Resistance Football League is already full of controversy. The primary hot topic? Who has the worst team name. Pontoon Boats, Soul-Ja Boi Records, and Your Mom’s Balls are all vying for the top spot. Kennedy has thrown his hat in the ring with the sheer veracity of The Rape Stand. May I suggest the following team names taken mostly from inside jokes between Matlin, Ades, Rickles, and myself: (1) Dumpy the Dump Trucks; (2) Stinky the Deuce; (3) The Bubble Bubbles; (4) The Spicy Griblets; (5) The You Think You Know Mes; (6) Fists of Fury; and (7) The Gas Leak That Almost Killed Ades. I suggest that whoever has the worst record by week 8 between Gilman, Drago, and Robby gets their team name changed by league vote.