Philadelphia, PA – 2007 marks the debut for the La Resistance Football League, a wily collection of redheads, yacht owners, fruititarian hippies, and league managers resembling Lurch, My Little Buddy, and a gnome. League Commissioner, Nate “Mr. Marbles’ Matlin, started the league after defecting from the Royal Football League, a rival league run by a mythical creature named Sexy Joe that looks like a Mexican/Arab child molester and has a pension for buying used Japanese school-girl panties from vending machines.
ANYWAY, here is a recap of the Week 1 Madness:
Game #1: El Che y Los Guerrilleros @ Kimbo Slice
El Che and the Guerillas (you are in America you damn hippy) took it to Kimbo Slice, who managed to be a formidable opponent despite Reggie Bush and Marc Bulgur shitting their proverbial beds. Even though El Che manager Eriq Keentsull proved to be a Benedict Arnold by drafting Eagle-tormenter Terrell Owens in the third round, he still assembled a solid squad fronted by the two-headed monster of Willie Parker and Travis Henry. He did make the curious decision to bench Calvin Johnson in favor of Devery Henderson, but this can be chalked up to a rookie mistake and his prolonged stay in Cameroon, where fantasy football is an edible soccer ball that tastes like roasted antelope. Kimbo Slice looks to rebound this week against Your Mom’s Balls (the team; not your actual mom’s balls).
Game #2: Pontoon Boats @ Danger Monkey
Evan Schmitt (aka Drago), team manager of Pontoon Boats had several things going against him entering week 1. First, the love of his life, the Michigan Wolverines, had what can only be described as the worst first two games of a season in NCAA football history. Second, he picked the name Pontoon Boats, which is arguably the worst team name in the history of fantasy football (more on this later). Third, he selected the first kicker in the draft (Adam Vinatieri) in the 9th round, perhaps the worst pick in the entire draft. Fourth, and finally, he looks like Lurch from the Adams Family. Drago probably should have just stuck his head in the oven before the season started, but kudos to him for giving it the ‘ole college try. Nevertheless, Danger Monkey sunk the Pontoon Boats on the back of Plax Buress’s likely season-high performance. Although Ced Benson did his best Jamal Lewis impression last Sunday, Danger Monkey had a solid performance and team manager Seth Pruss should be proud after putting up the second-highest point total in week 1.
Game #3: The Rape Stand @ Your Mom’s Balls
Dubbed the “Offensive Team Name Battle Royale,” this one proved to be a snoozer. Paul “Most Out of Place Alabama Resident Ever Except For the Fact That He Isn’t Jewish” Kennedy cruised to an easy victory. Tony Romo’s 5-TD performance and Andre Johnson’s huge day were nearly enough for the win. Your Mom’s Balls struggled to break the 100-point mark, and most analysts blame team manager Jeremy Gilman’s unorthodox drafting strategy which included overspending on WRS (4th rounder on Hines Ward, a 5th rounder on Darrell Jackson, 7th rounder on Donte’ Stallworth) and the 11th round selection of Nate Kaeding. Some have ventured that Kennedy’s selection of “The Rape Stand” as team name completely discombobulated Gilman and it remains to be seen if he can rebound from his early-season drubbing.
Game #4: The Straw Hat Brigade @ The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes
The closest game of the week found billionaire mogul Jon Ades spearheading the Straw Hat Brigade to a 16 point victory over Mike “Don’t Call Me Angry” Hartman’s Sundaes. Tom Brady’s heroics weren’t enough to take the Sundaes to victory as Jack Del Rio decided Fred Taylor’s groin would explode if he carried the ball more than 6 times and the Sundaes’ receivers decided that scoring touchdowns really isn’t that much fun. The Brigade was led by a strong performance by Randy Moss, which should probably be nullified by Commissioner Matlin because the Patriots are a bunch of cheaters (except for Tom Brady). Lamont Jordan also surprisingly pitched in with a solid game, but will Ades’ lack of depth at the running back position be a challenge in the future? And who will manage the Brigade if Ades accidentally crashes his helicopter into a mountain for the 5th time? We shall see.
Game #5: Sweet Tangy Limes @ Soul-Ja Boi Records
Robert Ulysses Fredrickson IV’s Soul-Ja Boi Records had the dubious honor of putting up the lowest point total in week 1. Perhaps his awful team name returned in karmic form when Brandon Jacobs went down with a knee injury early in the Giants-Cowboys game. Whatever the case, the Sweet Tangy Limes look to be an early powerhouse, dominating with the highest point total of the week. Although team manager Rickles Gittles nearly vomited after selecting Adrian Peterson in the third round, Peterson looked good, putting together 163 total yards and a touchdown. Gittles has a history of choking in big games, so it will be interesting to see if he can keep it together through the end of the season. He does have one thing in his favor: those damn, sweet, sweet, super tangy limes.
Game #6: Yossarian Lives @ Gangstalicious Resurrection
The “Chop House Throwdown” culminated in a lopsided victory for the Gs and team manager Emilio Pabon. Commissioner Matlin, GM of Yossarian Lives, was on the short end of the stick, continuing a streak of disappointing week 1 performances. Interestingly, Matlin was forced to draft at Kinko’s this season. Thus, he was unable to participate in his usual pre- and during-draft “activities” although his 5th round pick of Matt Hasselbeck was certainly curious. Yossarian Lives could not take advantage of the goose egg laid by the Gs’ Deion Branch, as Mark Clayton through up a goose egg of its own. The Commish faces the Limes next week, and he could be in a hole early in the season. Could it be the Curse of Sexy Joe? We shall soon find out.
NEWS & NOTES
The first year of the La Resistance Football League is already full of controversy. The primary hot topic? Who has the worst team name. Pontoon Boats, Soul-Ja Boi Records, and Your Mom’s Balls are all vying for the top spot. Kennedy has thrown his hat in the ring with the sheer veracity of The Rape Stand. May I suggest the following team names taken mostly from inside jokes between Matlin, Ades, Rickles, and myself: (1) Dumpy the Dump Trucks; (2) Stinky the Deuce; (3) The Bubble Bubbles; (4) The Spicy Griblets; (5) The You Think You Know Mes; (6) Fists of Fury; and (7) The Gas Leak That Almost Killed Ades. I suggest that whoever has the worst record by week 8 between Gilman, Drago, and Robby gets their team name changed by league vote.
ANYWAY, here is a recap of the Week 1 Madness:
Game #1: El Che y Los Guerrilleros @ Kimbo Slice
El Che and the Guerillas (you are in America you damn hippy) took it to Kimbo Slice, who managed to be a formidable opponent despite Reggie Bush and Marc Bulgur shitting their proverbial beds. Even though El Che manager Eriq Keentsull proved to be a Benedict Arnold by drafting Eagle-tormenter Terrell Owens in the third round, he still assembled a solid squad fronted by the two-headed monster of Willie Parker and Travis Henry. He did make the curious decision to bench Calvin Johnson in favor of Devery Henderson, but this can be chalked up to a rookie mistake and his prolonged stay in Cameroon, where fantasy football is an edible soccer ball that tastes like roasted antelope. Kimbo Slice looks to rebound this week against Your Mom’s Balls (the team; not your actual mom’s balls).
Game #2: Pontoon Boats @ Danger Monkey
Evan Schmitt (aka Drago), team manager of Pontoon Boats had several things going against him entering week 1. First, the love of his life, the Michigan Wolverines, had what can only be described as the worst first two games of a season in NCAA football history. Second, he picked the name Pontoon Boats, which is arguably the worst team name in the history of fantasy football (more on this later). Third, he selected the first kicker in the draft (Adam Vinatieri) in the 9th round, perhaps the worst pick in the entire draft. Fourth, and finally, he looks like Lurch from the Adams Family. Drago probably should have just stuck his head in the oven before the season started, but kudos to him for giving it the ‘ole college try. Nevertheless, Danger Monkey sunk the Pontoon Boats on the back of Plax Buress’s likely season-high performance. Although Ced Benson did his best Jamal Lewis impression last Sunday, Danger Monkey had a solid performance and team manager Seth Pruss should be proud after putting up the second-highest point total in week 1.
Game #3: The Rape Stand @ Your Mom’s Balls
Dubbed the “Offensive Team Name Battle Royale,” this one proved to be a snoozer. Paul “Most Out of Place Alabama Resident Ever Except For the Fact That He Isn’t Jewish” Kennedy cruised to an easy victory. Tony Romo’s 5-TD performance and Andre Johnson’s huge day were nearly enough for the win. Your Mom’s Balls struggled to break the 100-point mark, and most analysts blame team manager Jeremy Gilman’s unorthodox drafting strategy which included overspending on WRS (4th rounder on Hines Ward, a 5th rounder on Darrell Jackson, 7th rounder on Donte’ Stallworth) and the 11th round selection of Nate Kaeding. Some have ventured that Kennedy’s selection of “The Rape Stand” as team name completely discombobulated Gilman and it remains to be seen if he can rebound from his early-season drubbing.
Game #4: The Straw Hat Brigade @ The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes
The closest game of the week found billionaire mogul Jon Ades spearheading the Straw Hat Brigade to a 16 point victory over Mike “Don’t Call Me Angry” Hartman’s Sundaes. Tom Brady’s heroics weren’t enough to take the Sundaes to victory as Jack Del Rio decided Fred Taylor’s groin would explode if he carried the ball more than 6 times and the Sundaes’ receivers decided that scoring touchdowns really isn’t that much fun. The Brigade was led by a strong performance by Randy Moss, which should probably be nullified by Commissioner Matlin because the Patriots are a bunch of cheaters (except for Tom Brady). Lamont Jordan also surprisingly pitched in with a solid game, but will Ades’ lack of depth at the running back position be a challenge in the future? And who will manage the Brigade if Ades accidentally crashes his helicopter into a mountain for the 5th time? We shall see.
Game #5: Sweet Tangy Limes @ Soul-Ja Boi Records
Robert Ulysses Fredrickson IV’s Soul-Ja Boi Records had the dubious honor of putting up the lowest point total in week 1. Perhaps his awful team name returned in karmic form when Brandon Jacobs went down with a knee injury early in the Giants-Cowboys game. Whatever the case, the Sweet Tangy Limes look to be an early powerhouse, dominating with the highest point total of the week. Although team manager Rickles Gittles nearly vomited after selecting Adrian Peterson in the third round, Peterson looked good, putting together 163 total yards and a touchdown. Gittles has a history of choking in big games, so it will be interesting to see if he can keep it together through the end of the season. He does have one thing in his favor: those damn, sweet, sweet, super tangy limes.
Game #6: Yossarian Lives @ Gangstalicious Resurrection
The “Chop House Throwdown” culminated in a lopsided victory for the Gs and team manager Emilio Pabon. Commissioner Matlin, GM of Yossarian Lives, was on the short end of the stick, continuing a streak of disappointing week 1 performances. Interestingly, Matlin was forced to draft at Kinko’s this season. Thus, he was unable to participate in his usual pre- and during-draft “activities” although his 5th round pick of Matt Hasselbeck was certainly curious. Yossarian Lives could not take advantage of the goose egg laid by the Gs’ Deion Branch, as Mark Clayton through up a goose egg of its own. The Commish faces the Limes next week, and he could be in a hole early in the season. Could it be the Curse of Sexy Joe? We shall soon find out.
NEWS & NOTES
The first year of the La Resistance Football League is already full of controversy. The primary hot topic? Who has the worst team name. Pontoon Boats, Soul-Ja Boi Records, and Your Mom’s Balls are all vying for the top spot. Kennedy has thrown his hat in the ring with the sheer veracity of The Rape Stand. May I suggest the following team names taken mostly from inside jokes between Matlin, Ades, Rickles, and myself: (1) Dumpy the Dump Trucks; (2) Stinky the Deuce; (3) The Bubble Bubbles; (4) The Spicy Griblets; (5) The You Think You Know Mes; (6) Fists of Fury; and (7) The Gas Leak That Almost Killed Ades. I suggest that whoever has the worst record by week 8 between Gilman, Drago, and Robby gets their team name changed by league vote.
No comments:
Post a Comment