WEEK TWO RECAP

It’s been an interesting start to the fantasy football season. The predicted fantasy studs (Ladanian Tomlinson, Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson, etc.) have failed to come through over the first two games. Who are the top scoring running backs in the LRFL? Lamont Jordan (drafted in the eighth Round by the Brigade), Edgerrin James (drafted late in the second round by the Resurrection), and Jamal Lewis (drafted in the sixth round also by the Resurrection). Tomlinson, the first overall pick, has put up only the fortieth best point total after week 2. Team managers are curious to see how this plays out, but, of course, it’s still very early in the season and only two teams made it through the first two weeks without losing. With the short rosters, the waiver wire has been extremely active and it is only a matter of time before a team scores a diamond in the rough. It probably won’t be the Pontoon Boats though though. ANYWAY, on to the games! (winners in caps)

Your Mom’s Balls (109.25) @ KIMBO SLICE (157.75)

Kimbo Slice scored its first victory of the season over the sagging Balls. YMB once again nearly failed to top the 100-point mark as MJD continues to be a non-factor in the Jaguars offense and Patrick Crayton put up the big fat goose-egg this week. Kimbo Slice got a huge day from Chad Johnson and probably deserved extra points for Johnson’s leap into the Dawg Pound where the classy Cleveland fans poured beer all over him (ed.’s note: Commish Matlin, can we get a scoring category going for touchdown celebrations?). Reggie Bush and Slice’s receivers still aren’t getting the job down, so it remains to be seen if the team can get on a streak. Even if he had his best lineup in the game, Balls’ manager Jeremy Gilman would still have only mustered roughly 140 points. Said Gilman after the game, “I just don’t know what to do with these Balls. Hopefully I can light a fire under them.”

The Rape Stand (139.5) @ EL CHE AND LOST GUERRILLEROS (159.25)

The Rape Stand suffered its first defeat at the hands of Eriq Keentsull and the Guerillas. The Guerillas saw nice performances by Calvin Johnson, Willie Parker, TO, and Antonio Gates, who all scored touchdowns on the road to victory. Despite imbibing fermented beverages with Sundaes manager Mike Hartman well into the early hours of Saturday morning, Keentsull managed to put a solid lineup together. Although Rape Stand manager Paul Kennedy got help from Brian Westbrook, Andre Johnson, and the Cowboys D, Ronnie Brown continued his campaign for “Bust of the Year,” putting up a measly 9.75 points. Of note, prior to week 2, Kennedy had no WRs on his bench and was forced to start Arnaz Battle. He tried to make some magic on the waiver wire this week picking up Bobby Engram and Dennis Northcutt …weak!

YOSSARIAN LIVES (155.5) @ Sweet Tangy Limes (142)

The Limes go down! The Limes go down! In the upset special of the week, the Sweet Tangy Limes fell victim to the Commish and the scrappy Yossarian Lives. Devin Hester and Brett Favre were the difference as Limes manager Rickles Gittles now begins to worry about his strength at quarterback and the mediocrity of Reggie Brown thus far. Despite the victory, Yossarian Lives still has scored the second lowest amount of total points and is at the bottom of the Power Rankings among one-win teams. Meanwhile, the Limes have scored the third highest amount of total points and still haven’t unleashed the fury of Chocolate Elvis. Believe me, it’s coming.

Gangstalicious Resurrection (146) @ SOUL-JA BOI RECORDS (197.5)

Where did Soul-Ja Boi Records come from? After putting up the lowest point total in week 1, Robbie “the Espresso Aficionado” Fredrickson (of McDonald's management fame) stomped the Resurrection into the ground and in the process, put up the highest point total of the week. How did this happen you ask? Carson Palmer threw six touchdowns and Rudi Johnson put up over 150 yards of offense and was on the receiving end of one of Palmer’s touchdown passes. For the Resurrection, Phillip Rivers still can’t get it going and Reggie Wayne put up modest stats in the loss. The Resurrection left a lot of points on the bench in the form of Jamal Lewis, but no one can blame team manager Emilio Pabon for being unable to predict Lewis’s gigantic game. The question in the future will be which version of Soul-Ja Boi will show up to play in the coming weeks. “My opponents better watch out,” Frederickson said, “my team is more delicious than Frank’s baked brie.” The rest of the league is still trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about.

PONTOON BOATS (191.75) @ The Straw Hat Brigade (191.5)

Wow…what a nail-biter! Evan “Drago” Schmitt had a particularly rough week, so the .25 point victory by the Pontoon Boats was especially needed. The difference? How about a three touchdown, 150 yard performance from Steve Smith and a two touchdown, 135 yard performance from Joey Galloway? The Pontoon Boats look solid at WR, but abysmal at RB where #2 overall pick Steven Jackson failed to impress and Deuce continues to see his carries limited. More striking, the Boats have no healthy RBs on their bench. Meanwhile, the Straw Hat Brigade’s loss equaled that of a strong punch to the gut. Had the Panthers D done anything against the Texans, Jon Ades would have cruised his yacht to victory. The Brigade looks strong, but can Lamont Jordan keep it up? What will happen later in the season when Super Smash Bros. Brawl comes out for the Wii? Oh man, I can hardly wait to find out.

DANGER MONKEY (172.5) @ The Brownie Kaboom Sundaes (123.75)

The Sundaes are melting early this season. LT was swallowed up by the Patriots and the Bengals D, who looked like a strong free agent pickup, got face-f*cked by the Clevand Browns, of all teams. Danger Monkey, on the other hand, went to 2-0 and sits atop the Power Poll after week 2. Frank Gore had a nice game and John Kitna received help from the big man upstairs to come back into the game and lead the Lions (and Danger Monkey) to victory. Manager Seth Pruss, who claimed not to know what he is doing prior to the draft, looks like one crafty a-hole and sits atop the Oatmeal Stout Division. The only chink in Pruss’s armor? His weak your-mom joke in a Wednesday email…even if he was being sarcastic, he should be ashamed that he even knows that joke.

NEWS & NOTES

Danger Monkey has looked like an early contender for the La Resistance league championship, but an investigation of the team has turned up some interesting information. The Danger Monkey logo features a chimpanzee wearing a T-Shirt and holding a gun (it’s really quite hilarious). A chimp, however, is not technically a monkey; rather, it is an ape. Thus, Pruss’s logo does not actually feature a dangerous monkey. Will this affect Danger Monkey’s performance as we get later into the season? Should he have to forfeit his week 2 victory for fraudulent misrepresentation? It should be noted, for clarification purposes, that a lemur (an animal looking suspiciously like Rickles Gittles) is also not technically a monkey.

Sundaes manager Mike Hartman had his first Nintendo Wii related incident this past week. Going to make a big hit in Madden ’08—which requires one to punch forward with the Wiimote—Hartman punched directly into a half full coffee cup, knocking the inky beverage all over his carpet. Hartman is thankful that he still hasn’t thrown the Wiimote into the TV screen, but he’s only had Madden for a few weeks. (Do you have a Wii? Send your Wii ID to me and we can get an sweet LRFL Mii parade going on. Also, if you have a similar Wii related incident, we are currently collecting stories)

A rumor is circulating that League Commissioner Nathan “King of the Basement” Matlin left the Katuba, a prized Jewish symbol of his marriage to Samantha, at the Gittles household. According to the field reporter, Mr. Eric is thinking about crossing out Nate’s name and writing in his own, and thus, taking Sam as his bride (for the money, of course). The burning question: how long would it have taken the Commish to realize his error had he not read this report?

In other Matlin news, he and other league managers have antagonized Pontoon Boats manager Evan “Rash Guard” Schmitt to the point that Shmitt has threatened to stay offline for the rest of the season. We’re not sure if this can be characterized as a threat or a wonderful promise, but the league may have to search for a new whipping boy. Schmitt has called out to other managers to respond to Matlin and Sundaes’ manager Mike Hartman, but so far the other managers have only continued to pile on Schmitt.

Finally, Jon Ades celebrated his 26th birthday this past week-ish. A hearty happy birthday to Jonny HIV, captain of industry.