WEEKLY PRESS CONFERENCE: The Rape Stand

Thanks for coming folks, Coach Kennichick will make his opening statement, and then take questions from you all...
Had to sweat that one out didn't we? Phew. That Cowboys-Bills game damn near killed me, but if your star can have the worst game of his career and you still get the win, that's the mark of a good team right there. Anytime you match up with an X-and-O mind like Nathan Matlin, you know it'll be a hard fought weekend. I'm disappointed in Ladell Betts, for sure, I thought he was more determined than that, but we'll talk about that later. Going into this weekend as the favorite is uncharted territory for this team, I hope we can respond. Questions?

Coach, is that a new banner behind you?
Thanks for noticing Sal, good eye. Because of the overwhelming success of this little get-together we have each week, and the need to create new revenue streams to keep up with the big-market teams like the Brownies and Danger Monkey, we've teamed with a new corporate sponsor. This pants-party shall henceforth be referred to as "The World's Greatest Fake Football Press Event, presented by Dunkin' Donuts". The Rape Stand runs on Dunkin'.


Any qualms starting Tony "6 Turnovers" Romo against the New England Patriots this week?
In one word...sort of. Last week was one of those bizarre games where a guy does so many things to lose that you assume he has to be shaving points. Thankfully, Dick Jauron was doing even more to lose the game. Tony is our quarterback.

What happened to Ladell Betts last week?
Great question Pedro, glad you could peel yourself off of Barry's front lawn to join us this week. Ladell ran into a problem that no one could have anticipated. This guy...

Mike Sellers is the boom king.

Your team has played well as the underdog all season, now you're favored by a mile and a half, any worries about a letdown?
As with any time I've dealt with Senor Pabon, I expect my team to come out sky-high. They know there's a target on their backs right now. Anyone can play as a 'dog, when there's no pressure, no expectations. For a guy like Ronnie Brown, now is the time to show that he can be a star. This is an opponent who has come out of the blocks slowly, but with a lot of sleeping talent, especially in the backfield. There's the potential for a shootout here.

There seems to have been a lot of activity around here this week, have there been additions to the staff?
We've added a few small roles to the staff, and one senior member to the administration. The Rape Stand is proud to announce the addition of New York city councilman James Oddo as Head Bullshit Detective. Look out media, there's a new sheriff in town.


Will 'Cavemen' be canceled before Tom Coughlin?
I'll reserve judgment until I hear what Tiki Barber thinks.

Alright folks, that's all the time I have today. Enjoy the veal, don't forget to tip your waiter, and visit your local Dunkin' Donuts for a commemorative Coach Kennichick bobble-head this weekend.