Week Thirteen Recap

Week Thirteen Recap
By Dr. Linus J. Bigtime, M.D., D.D.S.

The Recap has been a little harder to write this week as League Intern Paul Kennedy seems to have disappeared in the mean streets of Birmingham, Alabama most likely fueled by crank and beef jerky. Coincidentally, Dr. Bigtime is also currently in the midst of final exams.

Accordingly, we are going to skip the snappy intro today and get right to the games (winners in caps).

THE BROWNIE KABOOM SUNDAES (158.75) @ Danger Monkey (134.5)

Danger Monkey could have locked up the Oatmeal Stout Division with a win in Week 13, but manager Sethadiah Pruss and his squad of rapscallions really blew it. Don’t blame Peyton Manning who threw for 4 touchdowns and 288 yards. Don’t blame Steven Jackson who is continuing to turn it on in the late going of the season and went for 167 total yards and a touchdown. Who should Pruss blame? How about those underperforming Patriots? Wes Welker caught only 3 passes for 18 measly yards and the Patriots Defense/Special Teams gave up 24 points to the Ravens’ anemic offense and failed to record a single sack in the game. Unfortunately for Pruss, he really couldn’t have managed the game any better as the only way he could have improved the Monkey’s total point score would have been to unreasonably start Shaun McDonald over Wes Welker or Plax Burress. More unfortunately for Pruss, he lost Roy Williams this week to a PCL sprain and it doesn’t look like he’ll get his stud receiver back until after the playoff push. Even if the Monkey gets to the playoffs, the prospects for post-season success aren’t looking good. Here at the Recap, we can only guess that Pruss’s players have started to quit on him as his priorities are clearly his duties as the Chairman of the Rules Committee and his endless searching for a league trophy. He also writes too many emails… Regardless, the Monkey still could have pulled out the win this week if not for the gritty performance of the Sundaes, who are trying to salvage some pride by finishing division play at .500 (they started the season 0-3). Ladanian Tomlinson finally realized he’s the best player in football this week and ran for 177 yards and two 20+ yard touchdowns (coincidentally, LT now has put up more points in the LRFL than any other running back). If he would have performed like that during the first half of the season, there’s no doubt that the Sundaes would be challenging for the division lead or at least a wild card spot. It would also have been nice for manager Mike Hartman if Thomas Jones didn’t wait until Week 13 to score his first touchdown of the season. At least the Lendale White/Tory Holt swap with the Brigade finally looks like a solid win for the Sundaes. Sitting at #4 in the power rankings, the Sundaes should have some momentum going into the 2008 season.

Kimbo Slice (129.25) @ YOUR MOM’S BALLS (180.5)

This game should be dubbed the Irrelevance Bowl as both teams were eliminated from playoff contention long ago. Slice once again put up a comparatively low point total, primarily because their roster is chock full of guys who were pre-season studs but failed to come through during the 2007 fantasy season: Reggie Bush, Lee Evans, Vince Young, and Vernon Davis. Young actually had his first nice game in a while and Kevin Curtis put up big numbers, but it wasn’t nearly enough to challenge the Balls for victory. In fact, those Balls put up the highest point total of the week at 180.5. The Balls have to be the toughest team in the league to figure out. One week the Balls are huge, pulsating beasts, and the next they are shriveled, liver-spotted prunes. This week the Balls and team manager Jeremy “Vagina Sand” Gilman got very nice games from Earnest Graham (106 rushing yards and a touchdown), Hines Ward (11 catches, 90 yards, two touchdowns), and Tony Gonzalez (10 catches, 140 yards), but it doesn’t really matter what the Balls do this year, it now matters what they are going to do next year. Looking at the Balls’ lineup, we don’t see a lot of keeper potential there. Derek Anderson is likely playing somewhere else next year and might not be able to carry the magic over. Earnest Graham might not be starting for the Bucs when Caddy returns. Donald Driver and Gonzo are getting old and haven’t been studs this year. MJD has some big games, but still shares carries and probably isn’t big enough to ever be an every-down back in the NFL. Looks like the Balls will be hanging low going into 2008.

Sweet Tangy Limes (133.75) @ JAKE LONG’S COCK (148.25)

This was no doubt the game of the week as the Commish’s Cock has come way out of nowhere to challenge the Limes for the Amber Division crown. If you recall, at one point this season the Limes were 5-4 and in control of the Amber Division and the Cock was mired in the cellar at 2-7. My lord, how the tides have turned. With the loss this week, the Limes have now dropped 4 straight and are in a 3-way tie for first place in the Amber Division where the Cock now owns all the tie-breakers. Where has it gone wrong for the Limes and team manager Rickles Gittles? Well, as the Recap has been saying all year, the Limes needed to make a move at some point to secure a better quarterback. Eli Manning is way too inconsistent and has been probably the worst quarterback in football as of late. Platooning him with the fragile Kurt Warner—who seems to just love losing football games—was certainly not the solution. The Limes also struggled to find consistency at running back. Adrian Peterson was no doubt the steal of the draft in the third round, but the few games he sat out with his PCL tear really cost the Limes some big games. The Limes also have had to suffer through the miserable season of Shaun Alexander, and DeShaun Foster and early waiver-wire pickup Chris Brown never lived up to their respective hypes. Let’s also not forget that Reggie Brown has been tremendously disappointing this year and that Starvin’ Marvin Harrison hasn’t played in what seems like an eternity. So, in short, Gittles really caught a lot of bad breaks this year but has the chance to go into next year with a very solid squad (Peterson, Housh, and Winslow perhaps?). In complete contrast to the Limes, the Cock has been growing stronger and more confident over the last few weeks. Winning three games in a row, the Cock now seems poised to take the Amber Division title and his squad is building momentum. We definitely need to point out that the Commish’s squad put up 149.25 points and beat the Limes by 14.5 points while getting negative points from the quarterback position. Yes it’s true, Brett Favre left the game in the first half after completing only 5 passes and throwing 2 interceptions for a grand total of -0.75 points. Even though the head of the Cock failed to perform, the rest of the team came through with flying colors. Willis McGahee ran for 138 yards and a touchdown against the Pats and the other Adrian Peterson accounted for 149 total yards. And how about that bamboozle job that Commissioner Matlin pulled on the Pontoon Boats? Andre Johnson and Joey Galloway combined for 16 catches, 275 yards, and a touchdown in Week 13. Anyone potentially meeting the Commish in the playoffs will have the Schmitter to thank if they fall victim to the pounding Cock.

Soul-Ja Boi Records (122.25) @ GANGSTALICIOUS RESURECTION (138.25)

Mr. Robbie and his Records really needed to come through with a win. If they had won, they would be in sole possession of first place in the Amber Division right now. Alas, it was a typical Records performance with 15 total points coming from the wide receiver “core,” and an 11.75 point day from Carson Palmer. There were some bright spots though. Waiver-wire pickup Justin Fargas had another good game and is now the 16th best running back in the LRFL points-wise despite not playing a whole lot during the first half of the season. Dallas Clark also had a really solid game, catching two touchdown passes. We also can’t forget the humongous news that Travis Henry will not be suspended after all for fathering tons of illegitimate children and smoking copious amounts of the sticky icky. The AP is reporting that Mr. Robbie and his star running back celebrated the news by taking six 4-footers and banging numerous groupies at a shoot for Lloyd Banks’ new video where the two were invited guests. Of course, no matter how many little Mr. Robbie’s shoot out of those skank’s nasty hair pies, the Records need a big win over the Cock this week to make the playoffs. For the Gs and manager Emilio “Badealio” Pabon, the win brought back a sense of pride to the team. It also helped pull the Gs out of last place in the Power Rankings. Jamal Lewis is still looking like one of the best drafts of 2007 and Reggie Wayne will no doubt be a great keeper (33 points this week), especially considering that Marvin Harrison is clearly no longer the #1 receiver in Indy. Mad blunts yo.

THE STRAW HAT BRIGADE (123.25) @ Pontoon Boats (98.75)

The Brigade needed a win and they got a win. It wasn’t pretty and manager Jon “Jonny HIV” Ades should thank his lucky stars that he played the lowly Boats . In fact, every other team except the Records would have beaten the Brigade this week, but as Guerrillas manager Eriq Keentsull always says, “that’s why we play the games.” The Brigade did just enough to pull out the win this week. Drew Brees was adequate and Ryan Grant and Braylon Edwards both had great days which overshadowed subpar performances by Joe Addai, Randy Moss, and the Packers D/ST. Of course, Jonny HIV is going to be in trouble if he has to start Quinn Sypniewski at tightend in the future (big Quinn threw up the big goose egg this week). That future will depend on the Week 14 tussle between the Brigade and the Monkey. Whoever wins is probably the Oatmeal Stout Division winner, even though their records will be tied with a Brigade victory. The first tie-breaker is head-to-head record (which would be split at 1-1) and the second tie-breaker is total points (Brigade has a 76 point lead going into the game). It’s already been reported that there has been some serious ticket scalping going on for the Week 14 battle. The current going rate for lower-tier seats? Three handjobs and a Ray Lewis fathead. The playoffs aren’t really that much of a concern for the Pontoon Boats who continue to be terrible and were the only team to fail to break the 100-total point mark this past week. If you are wondering what the Boats’ problem is, you need only look as far as manager Evan “The Schmitter” Schmidt whose out-of-control trading has really started to backfire. Anquan Boldin? 2 catches, 25 yards (recall the Galloway and Andre Johnson numbers above). Marques Colston? 2 catches, 39 yards (what? Cotchery is out for the year? Nonsense!). Jaguars D/ST? 7 total points. With the loss, the Boats clinched last place in the Oatmeal Stout Division and will probably be battling it out for the Toilet Bowl (discussed below). Better double up on that rash guard, Schmitter.

EL CHE Y LOS GUERRILLEROS (158.25) @ The Rape Stand (146.25)

As noted last week, this game was kind of pointless. Both teams already clinched playoff spots and they were going to meet in the first round no matter what as whoever won the Nut Brown Division would have the #1 seed and whoever lost would be the wild card team. This game was really just about pride. The Guerrillas and manager Eriq Keentsull pulled out a narrow 12-point win to remain undefeated in division play and claim the division title. But are the Guerrillas the favorite for the championship? After a closer look at the numbers, the Recap isn’t so sure. One number really stands out, which is that the Guerrillas have only had 1596 total points scored against them. That is, by far, the lowest number in the league and it’s nearly 100 points less than the team with the second least points scored against it (Danger Monkey). So, even though the Guerrillas have been impressive, stringing together 6 consecutive victories and scoring the second most points in the league, it also appears that they have encountered a considerable amount of luck on their way to an 11-2 record. Perhaps this is why, even after the loss, the Rapists and manager Paul “Squeal Like a Pig” Kennedy are #1 in the power rankings. Whatever the case, the foundation of a great rivalry has definitely been laid and it’s only going to add to the excitement of the playoffs. Dreads! Shaved chests! It’s the Rapists against the Guerrillas this week on FOX!!!!

NEWS & NOTES

Limes manager Rickles Gittles did some scouting work on the League Headquarters at Case de Pelo Rojo in New Haven, CT, the site of the 2007-08 LRFL Conference on Recreation and Leisure Activities. He reports that the clam pizza is quite tasty. One other manager, however, has expressed concerns that Case de Pelo Rojo may be a tight fit for attending league managers and their respective entourages. “I’m a little worried,” the anonymous source said, “between the managers and Otis, the place is going to stink worse than the time turkey gravy poured through the ceiling and sink of Matlin’s room in the frat house and he tried to vacuum it up, subsequently breaking the fraternity’s vaccum.”

Speaking of the Conference, the planners are still trying to get an adequate headcount for beverage and room stinkage purposes. Please send an email to chopstix@football.sportsline.com if you are planning or not planning on attending (Robby and Gilman, we are looking in your direction). The chance of League Intern Paul Kennedy making it seems dim, but fellow managers, have started to take up a “Save Kennedy” flight fund in an attempt to get his bare, pasty chest and video game skills to New Haven.

The Conference is going to have a lot of entertaining features, one of which came about this week. After it was announced that Michigan would be playing UF in the Capital One Bowl, Drago (aka the Schmitter), a lifelong Michigan fan, challenged Hartman, a lifelong UF fan, to a little wager (whether the Commish can be considered a lifelong USC fan is still in dispute). Whoever loses will have to wear the winner’s team apparel for the first night of the Conference and learn the winner’s fight song. If Hartman wins, Drago must refer to him as Dr. Bigtime all weekend. Oddly, Drago requested that if he should win, Hartman must refer to him as “Sparkles” all weekend. There may be some additional wagers as we near closer to the festivities.

Last, but certainly not least, a Toilet Bowl is in the works to determine the worst team in the league. The bottom 4 teams will be placed into a loser’s bracket during the playoffs, and whoever is the ultimate loser will have their 2008 team name determined by a majority vote of the league. Honestly, the Recap sincerely doubts that team names could get any worse than “Soul-Ja Boi Records,” “Pontoon Boats,” or “Your Mom’s Balls” (though the latter provided the Recap with a lot of material), but it will be a nice challenge to try.

That’s it for now. Please send any clam pizza, no-doze, Mario Galaxy tips, gas money, White Russians, and UF apparel in Lurch-sizes to League Intern Paul Kennedy (assuming he is still alive).